4. Mamihlapinatapei - the shared look of desire between two people too shy to make the first move (Yaghan)

Valentine's Day, 2005

Pam returned to her desk after going to the annex to give Toby and Kelly candies. A bouquet of flowers had arrived, and she opened the card taped to the vase.

To my first, my last, my only Valentine, I love you
~Roy

Any other Valentine's day this note would make her smile but today she only scoffed. They just had to pay a huge mechanical bill, and received an ominous warning that Roy's transmission was "on the brink" and he may want to look into getting a new truck. Between that, their landlord hiking up the rent at the start of the year, and Pam's father getting laid off last month, Roy and Pam decided they had no choice but to delay the wedding yet again. Pam was doing her best not to be angry or upset, it was nobody's fault these things kept happening, but last night Roy made an offhand comment that they should just go to the courthouse and then have a reception at Poor Richard's. Pam tried laugh it off but when Roy followed that up by saying they were practically married anyway and what's so important about a big ceremony, she felt her hands ball into fists, and announced she was going to bed early because she didn't feel well.

She moved the bouquet to the table behind her so she wouldn't have to look at them, eyeing the trash bin on the way before deciding the bin was too small to hold the whole arrangement. After she returned to her seat, she unwrapped a couple chocolates and popped them into her mouth, noticing a red envelope on her keyboard that had been hidden by Roy's bouquet. She opened the envelope and nearly spat out the chocolate when she saw Dwight's head pasted onto a little cherub body, holding a bow and arrow. "Have an adequate Valentine's Day," a word bubble by Dwight's frown said. Inside the card it read in familiar handwriting, "Cupid Dwight is trained in 6 different forms of archery. Don't mess with him." Smiling at Jim's signature, Pam looked up to his desk, disappointed to find he was still in the conference room in a salesman meeting. Pam looked around her desk, thinking about what she could use to put together as a Valentine's for Jim. She remembered she had some colored pencils in her bottom drawer so she grabbed the set and took out a piece of paper.

Pam worked on the drawing when she could for the rest of the morning, telling Jim he wasn't allowed to come to reception, which resulted in several silly phone calls from his desk to hers. At the tail-end of lunch she put the final touches on the paper and slipped it into a folder. She went to the break room and found Jim was the only one in there.

"Okay, it's not my best work, but I had to have some response to Cherub Dwight," Pam said, handing Jim the folder.

He opened it and laughed at the caricature of him jumping to slam-dunk a basketball, kneeing a caricature of Dwight in the face. "Awesome," he said, big smile on his face, "I can't believe I'm getting away with such an obvious foul too, wow." Pam giggled and Jim squinted at the corner of the drawing, "Who is this in the crowd, holding a sign that says 'Jim, be my Valentine?'"

Pam shrugged, "Oh, you know, one of your fangirls." She couldn't say why she had decided to give the fan curly golden-brown hair.

"This is really awesome, thanks," Jim said.

They smiled at each other for a moment, and Pam felt her cheeks get warm for some reason.

Jim's smiled faded a little and he suddenly closed the folder. "Hey man," he said, his voice deeper than usual.

Pam knitted her brows then jumped a little when she heard a "Hey, Halpert" right behind her. She spun around and saw Roy, who put his hand on her shoulder and before walking to the soda machine. "Downstairs is out of cola again." Tugging at the cuff of her sleeve, Pam kept her eyes on the floor until Roy's broad chest was in front of her face. "You like your flowers, babe?"

Pam put on the biggest smile she could manage and looked up, "Mm-hmm."

Roy smugly grinned before giving her a peck on the lips, "I'd hang out but we've got a truck coming in five minutes." He started for the door, "Later."

Pam turned to see Jim's eyes following Roy, then snap back to her. "Things any better?" He had been very sympathetic the past few weeks, hanging out with Pam during breaks and lunches and letting her vent about all her problems.

Scoffing, Pam took a seat across from Jim, "No." She started to fiddle with her ring, "Last night he basically said to my face he doesn't see what's so important about getting married, and I've hardly talked to him since but he hasn't noticed." She looked up to Jim, "I'm sorry, I've bothered you enough with this."

Jim shrugged, "It's okay."

She sat up, "So, you got any plans for tonight?"

Jim chuckled, "Oh, um, I have a friend throwing a party. She wrote 'singles only' in caps about 5 times in the email. Anyway, she'll have pizza, beer and games so I figured it's something to do."

"No, it sounds fun," Pam said. She looked down at her hands, still twisting her engagement ring. "Would she be okay with you bringing a friend?"

Jim knitted his brows, "You got someone in mind, Beesly?"

"Um," Pam gave a smile and shrugged.

"Oh," Jim said, realizing Pam meant herself. He shifted in his seat. "Don't you wanna spend Valentine's Day with your fiancé?"

"I want to spend Valentine's day with people I like," Pam said. She gazed off to the side, "and honestly I don't like him very much right now." She looked back to Jim's skeptical face and silently pleaded with him, just for one night she wanted to forget about delayed weddings and auto bills and have some fun.

Jim finally gave her a smile, "Alright, if you're sure, it starts at 7. I can get you her address -"

"Or I can come to your place at a quarter till and we can go there together," Pam said.

"Or we can do that," Jim said with a nervous laugh that made Pam smiled. He glanced at his watch, "We should probably get back to work." Pam nodded in agreement and they stood. He picked up the folder and opened it to look at Pam's drawing again. "And this is going in a frame," he said with a grin.

They walked side by side back to their desks, Pam unable to stop smiling.

For the rest of the afternoon, Pam rehearsed in her head how she was going to tell Roy about this party. It would probably involve a white lie or two, maybe tell him it was at Kelly's or Phyllis', definitely omit that she was going to go together with Jim. Roy knew Jim was a friend, but he still tended to have a jealous streak when it came to Pam hanging out with men without him, no matter who it was. Still, she couldn't imagine Roy would care or ask many questions about the party, he would probably be relieved to learn he's off the hook for Valentine's Day.

Pam started her end-of-day routine when the phone rang. She recognized the extension to be the warehouse and answered, expecting to hear Darryl and was surprised to hear a "Hey babe" instead.

"Hey, what's up?" Pam said flatly.

"Well, I figured I should find out why you're mad at me," Roy replied.

Pam felt her heart rate increase, "I'm not mad-"

"Pammy, c'mon, I know how you get. I just really don't know why."

She chewed her lip, wanting to give him the 'you should know what you said' line before deciding he may honestly not know how his comment hurt her. "I just ... I don't know how much I appreciated what you said last night."

Her free hand made a fist as Roy let out a small laugh, "What, that we should elope? You know I was just talking."

"Were you also just talking when you said getting married isn't important?" Pam said, trying to keep her voice down and not draw anyone's attention.

"Babe, of course I know how important getting married is to you. I'm as frustrated as you are about all this. I hate that all this stuff is happening and it's stopping us from having the wedding you want ... that we want."

Pam twisted her lips, suddenly feeling a touch guilty.

"But it's gonna happen, alright, and it's not going to be at a courthouse, we'll do it right, we both just need to be patient," Roy said.

Be patient, the words repeated in her head, be patient. It felt like all she's done is be patient. "Okay," she finally replied.

Roy took a breath "So I'll see you downstairs in 30?"

Pam replied yes and hung up the receiver, her eyes falling onto Jim. He was on the phone with a client, leaning back in his chair, smiling and laughing. He noticed Pam watching him and gave her a nod before looking back down to his notepad. Pam felt her cheeks flush but still watched him. How did he possibly not have a girlfriend, she found herself thinking. Probably just afraid of commitment like most men his age seemed to be. Even her own fiancé.

With perfect timing, Jim grabbed his coat from the rack right as Pam's computer screen when dark. "You all done?" he asked.

Pam nodded and gathered her things, walking with Jim to the elevator.

"So my friend does have a cat, but she keeps him upstairs whenever there's company," Jim started as they waited for the elevator.

Pam jerked her face to Jim, somehow the party had slipped her mind in the last half hour. "Oh, yeah, um, I'm not allergic."

"I didn't think so," Jim replied. He smiled broadly, and Pam felt her stomach twist.

"Um, about that..." Pam started, but the ding of the elevator interrupted her.

The doors opened and Jim's smiled instantly faded. Pam looked and inhaled sharply as she saw Roy. "Hey, good timing," Roy said with a grin.

Pam's eyes snapped back to Jim, who kept his gaze on the floor as he stepped onto the elevator. Pam followed him and Roy hit the "down" button.

"So Halpert, you got any kind of hot date tonight?" Roy said.

Jim laughed a laugh Pam knew was forced, "Nah, just hanging out with some friends."

"Yeah, I think Pammy and I will just have a night in," Roy replied. Pam tensed up slightly as Roy put her arm around her shoulder. She looked over to Jim, but he kept his eyes firmly ahead.

The doors opened to the lobby and the three stepped out of the elevator. After a couple steps, Pam gasped and stopped in her tracks, "Oh, my flowers."

"I'll go get them, babe," Roy said, stepping back onto the elevator.

When the door closed, Pam swiveled her head and saw Jim nearly at the front door of the building. "Jim," she called, jogging over to him. He turned and something about his expression made the words catch in her throat "I'm sorry..." she finally said softly.

Jim shook his head and put on a smile, "Don't worry about it. My friend was very emphatic about the 'single' part. She would have kicked you out if she found out you were engaged."

Pam smiled and looked at her shoes, an odd feeling, like a rush of adrenaline, came over her. "You know what, I still wanna go."

"Pam -" Jim said, lowering his gaze.

"No, I'm just gonna tell Roy I already made plans with my friends," Pam said, unsure where this feeling of defiance was coming from.

Jim gave her a half smile, "Pam, listen, this party . . . is everyone's back-up plan, you know? It's just gonna be a bunch of lonely people who want to commiserate on Valentine's day."

Pam bit her lip, thinking about how she had felt awfully lonely recently and feeling a little disappointed that Jim didn't see that. He usually would.

The elevator dinged and Jim put his hand on the door handle, "Have a great evening, Pam. Happy Valentine's Day."

"You too," Pam said quietly, watching Jim walk to his car until Roy appeared next to her, bouquet in hand.

"Ready, babe?" Roy asked.

Pam nodded and followed him out the door. Jim gave a small wave when he drove past them, and Pam couldn't help but watch the red Corolla as it turned onto the street and down the road. She looked to Roy in front of her. He was her first and only Valentine's as well. It'd be nice to have someone else be her valentine, though, she thought. Just to see what it was like. Just once.