6. Dor - the sense of longing when separated from that which you love (Romanian)

Valentine's Day, 2007

They ran into no one as they descended the steps from the reception hall and walked around the back of the building to the parking lot. Roy's truck was on the far end, but Pam slowed her stride a bit as they passed her small blue car. For a brief moment she considered pulling her hand away from his, telling him she would just meet him at his place, knowing she probably wouldn't ever make it over there. She didn't even know where his new apartment was.

Roy nodded towards her car. "It'll be okay here, don't you think?" he said, as if sensing her doubt.

"Yeah, I can pick it up later," Pam replied quickly, and they continued walking. Pam spotted Jim's silver hatchback parked not far from her car, and felt a little embarrassed Jim would likely notice her car still there when he left. She kind of hoped he would notice, though.

The drive was quiet, Roy's radio played some classic rock song so faintly that Pam had no hope of identifying it. He kept his hand on hers, his fingers tracing the spot where his ring was for so many years. She left it on the nightstand when she called off the wedding and was now slightly curious to know if he still had it. They came to a stop light and Pam's eyes fell onto the street sign. If she were to go home, she would ask him to keep going straight, but she bit her lip as he turned right, then left, then right into a parking lot. The name on the entrance sign was familiar, she had researched this very apartment complex when she was looking for a new place last June, settling on her current apartment because the landlord had the earliest "move in" date of any place she looked at.

They climbed a flight of stairs and entered his apartment, Roy apologizing as he kicked his work boots out of the entrance way, then taking Pam's coat to hang it up. He ask if she wanted anything to drink. Nothing sounded appealing but she asked for water and walked around the living room as he grabbed a glass from the cupboard. The small apartment was white-walled and sparsely furnished, a couple old sports trophies next to his DVD collection serving as the only thing close to decorations.

Roy appeared next to her, handing her a glass, and she took a couple sips as he bumbled about how he was wanting to do more with the apartment but he doesn't feel like he has any kind of eye for design. Pam took one more sip of water, and set the glass down on the coffee table.

"I do have one decoration I like, though," Roy said, walking towards the hallway.

Pam followed him and he stepped aside to reveal a framed watercolor hanging on the wall, a still-life she painted back in high school that made it to the district art show.

"I know it pretty old but I still think it's good," Roy said.

"I don't know if I've improved much since this painting," Pam said quietly.

He took her hand and gently turned her towards him. "I think all your art is beautiful."

She let out a very small scoff, but looked up to see his expression was sincere. She smiled slightly before stepping closer, and he brought his hand up to cup her cheek before leaning down to kiss her.

After a moment he pulled his face away from her, saying nothing as he took her hand again and guided her down the short hallway. When she moved out of their house last summer she left all the furniture, and as he opened the bedroom door, she felt a slight panic thinking about how he might still have the bed they shared for years. She exhaled in relief when her eyes fell onto a different, smaller bed; their king-size would have been much too large for this new bedroom.

He stood behind her, kissing her neck while he pinched the small zipper and slowly pulled it down. The chocolate-colored satin fell in a heap at her feet, and she turned to face him, blushing as his eyes traveled down to the pretty, lacy bra she wore, embarrassed that she definitely had someone else in mind when she picked it out this morning.

It was strange, he was the only man she had ever been with, they had done this hundreds of times. But still it was somehow different. Once his shirt and pants joined her dress on the floor, he leaned back down to kiss her, his fingers blindly trying to unhook her bra before she reached back to do it for him.

They lay down on bed, him on top of her, and as they kiss she ran her hands along the back of his arms, noticing they had definition for the first time since his high school football days. His lips broke away and he moved down the matress, kissing her breasts and her navel along the way. His fingers slipped under the lacy sides of her panties and she lifted her hips as he gently pulled down. His new beard tickled the inside of her thighs and she did her absolute best not to giggle, but then his lips and tongue reached a certain spot and she was able to forget about the tickling and started to breath heavy. She didn't really want to know how but he had gotten better at this. He always had treated foreplay like a chore, something to get through as quickly as possible, but tonight he took his time. He even lifted his head to ask how he was doing and if she was liking it, definitely a first for him. She smiled at his nervousness and once she assure him she liked it, he lowered his head and she closed her eyes.

"Jim told me about you guys"

"I'm in love with you"

"That you kissed"

"I just needed you to know, once"

"And it's not a big deal"

"I want to be more than that"

"It was just a kiss"

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that"
"Me too."

Pam's eyes popped open and she looked down to Roy. Good as this felt, her mind was too easily wandering. "Hey," she said, causing him to pause and look up to her, "come here." Roy knitted his brows, getting ready to ask if something was wrong, but she sat up a little and smiled. "Get up here," she said in a voice that hardly sounded like her.

He smiled and licked his lips as he lifted himself up onto his palms and crawled up until his sky blue eyes were the only thing in her vision. He gave her a couple kisses before she felt his hand brush her stomach, reaching down between them.

She pulled her face away from his, "Um, you have anything?" She didn't intend to get this far before mentioning protection. She didn't really intend anything that had happened the last hour.

"You're not still on–"

She lied and shook her head no. He leaned over her to his nightstand and grabbed a square metallic wrapper out of the drawer. Seeing he was now keeping condoms right by his bed made Pam feel validated in her request that he wear one. After all, it had been the better part of a year and he was a good looking guy, surely he had been with other women.

As Roy sat up and tore the wrapper, Pam found her thoughts drifting elsewhere again; the wedding reception was probably finished now, they were probably back at Jim's place. Karen's full lips were probably already on his, her fingers in his soft hair, his hands on her flawless tan skin. What a fool Pam was to think he'd still want her, now that he had someone so smart, so pretty, so confident.

Roy leaned back down until his lips were hovering just over hers. "You're so beautiful," he said, his thumb stroking her cheek. She smiled a little and closed her eyes. It was so awful and surreal to be at that wedding, to hear compliments on the dress she had chosen, to watch everyone dance to the band she had hired, to see "P&R" written everywhere in the font and colors she spent weeks selecting. Somehow the worst thing was having Jim right in front of her, smiling and flirting as he told he thought her bad dancing was cute, making her feel like maybe, just maybe, something could happen, until she was reminded she missed her chance. She had years of chances and didn't realized it until she had no more.

She gasped softly as Roy first pushed into her, it had all felt different and new up until this point, but now everything felt very familiar again. She knew his rhythm, his movement, his breath, it was rather comforting. And it was the one thing from this bizarre day she could call her own.

They lay on their sides, his chest pressed up against her back and his arm holding her tightly around the shoulders. She felt secure, wanted. This is good, she told herself, this is right.

"I love you, Pammy," he whispered into her ear.

The tears that had been beading in her eyes finally spilled out onto her cheeks, and she told herself she was crying because she was happy.