Caroline decided to take Gillian out for an early dinner directly from the train station rather than dine at home; despite it being early-March, there was snow in the forecast so she thought they should enjoy going out while they could. Settling in over their starters, Caroline and Gillian's conversation seemed to pick up right where it left off the last time they were together. The bond they solidified while planning their parents' wedding only strengthened over the ensuing years as they worked together to keep them safe and comfortable.
Caroline appreciated Gillian doing the bulk of the heavy lifting after she moved down south; their folks planned to buy a little cottage of their own but when the chain fell through they defaulted to living full time at the farm for a few years until the stairs proved too much for them. In the end, Celia suffered a fatal heart attack within about ten months of their moving into the care home and about a month later, Alan died of what the doctor decreed a heart attack. Their daughters knew it was really a broken heart and truly believed their passing so close to each was a sign that they were always meant to be together; it was something that they took comfort in as they grieved.
They noticed the heavy clouds rolling in as they were leaving the restaurant. "It definitely smells like snow," Caroline commented as they climbed in the car to head back to her house.
"It'll be nice to wake and actually watch the snow fall without having to be out in it tending the sheep," Gillian confessed. She didn't remember the last time she had no chores nagging at her and was more than ready to be a lady of leisure, even if only for a few days.
About half way into the first bottle of red back at the house, their conversation predictably meandered to Gillian's love life. She was between lovers at the moment, which explained to Caroline why Gillian was spending her free time with her instead of on a dirty get-away like the last time Raff and Ellie had a bust-up.
She casually told Caroline that Raff kept in touch with Robbie and that he showed no interest in ever returning from Canada. Gillian gave the impression that she was relieved to not have to face him again and in a way she was because she worried that eventually Robbie would tell Raff about Eddie's death and assumed that since it hadn't happened yet it might if she were to see him again. It was the one risk she couldn't take.
"Do you think if he hadn't retired you could have held it together?" The fact that Gillian hadn't had a serious relationship since her marriage ended made Nicola and Caroline wonder from time to time if she was still in love with Robbie but neither wanted to ask her directly. But on this night, the wine was making Caroline more than a little brave so she dipped her toe into the shallow end of the subject with her question.
"I used to wonder that too but I don't think so. We might have adjusted to all that togetherness but looking back, it's clear it was never going to work long term; Eddie wouldn't have allowed it," Gillian admitted as she looked around to see where Caroline had placed the wine bottle; as the thought of Eddie still made her spine tingle and she wanted something to numb it. Spotting it on the counter behind her, she turned on her stool and grabbed it by the neck. She carelessly sloshed some into her glass and tried to be more precise as she topped off Caroline's.
"Pace yourself, we've got all night," Caroline cautioned. She didn't mind Gillian getting tight, and was actually looking forward to getting a little loose herself, since they had nowhere to go in the morning and could sleep in. She was enjoying Gillian's company and wanted to extend the night; she missed seeing her like she did when Celia and Alan were still alive.
"I've been thinking about selling the farm," Gillian said to deflect the attention away from her drinking and from the topic of Robbie. She took another swallow and puckered her lips afterward; she knew it was a better quality wine than she usually bought for herself and suddenly felt guilty for not slowing down and savoring it more.
"Really?" Caroline, with her glass halfway up to her lips, stopped its upward progress and lowered it without taking a sip. She couldn't believe her ears because she knew Gillian felt about her farm the way she did about her house on Conway Drive once upon a time.
"Yup. That's what the bust up between Raff and Ellie was about. He wants to buy me out and she doesn't." She paused to take a sip and then continued, "If I'm honest, I don't want them to live there but it's up to them to figure it out."
"Why? I mean why are you thinking of selling?" Her back was starting to ache from sitting on the hard kitchen stool so she shifted a bit in her seat to release the building inflammation in her lower back.
"Honestly? It's taking a harder toll on my body than it used to," Gillian confessed. "Besides, Gary told me how farm prices around me have skyrocketed the past few years."
"Where would you go?" Caroline stood to get herself a glass of water and a couple of pain relievers. She quickly downed them in the hopes they would not only help her back but also stave off the headache she felt coming on.
"I always loved Robbie's little house. Some place like that would suit me fine. That financial guy Gary hooked me up with after me dad died says he could turn enough income out of the expected sale proceeds to keep me comfortable."
"Not to be crass but can Raff afford it?" She knew he was doing well since he went to work for Gary after their twin boys were born. He wanted more job security than he had; Gary wanted him to work for him to ensure he stayed nearby rather than seek a better job down south.
"I couldn't charge Raff top dollar so I'm hoping Ellie wins this one." She didn't share with Caroline that she had promised him the opportunity to top her best offer if she listed it for sale. It was an empty promise because she knew how much Ellie hated living at the farm, especially in the winter months.
"What, what, what would you do with yourself?" She was stammering with disbelief that Gillian was so calmly talking about making such a big life change.
"Learn to sleep in. Travel. Maybe find myself a gigolo," she said with a smirk to hide the fact that she was more serious than she wanted to let on.
"Won't you be bored? You've never been one to sit and knit tea cozies. Remember how you couldn't stand the silence after the folks moved?" Caroline started fidgeting with the abandoned cork lying on the counter to hide her distress at the thought that if Gillian retired she'd have an even harder time convincing Nicola they shouldn't. Her headache was getting worse by the second.
"Don't know but I could always find a shop to work in or volunteer at the animal shelter." Gillian appreciated that after she got her half of their inheritance she no longer needed to moonlight to make ends meet. She still had a tidy sum left from it thanks to that financial planner and to Caroline handling all the estate details so efficiently in the first place. "I thought you'd be more supportive."
"Can't imagine you not living on the farm. I always thought they'd carry you out feet first." It dawned on Caroline that Gillian seemed more fearless than her because she wasn't ready to jump into what she called the 'abyss' when she and Nicola debated retiring.
"This winter really took it out of me," she responded as she set down her glass and started rolling her left shoulder forward to stretch the rotator cuff she injured when an errant sheep knocked her against the barn door the other week. "I know I said I'd never leave it but some days there just isn't enough lineament to keep my stiff joints moving."
"I didn't know how you kept up with it ten years ago," Caroline said to commiserate and sound more positive.
"Hold on. Hold on. How about you, Vincent? Are you and Nicola still arguing about retiring?" She waved her hands about with some excitement when the penny dropped.
"How...how do you know about that?" Caroline drained the last of her wine and moved to grab the wine opener and the second bottle that was on the counter. If she had to discuss this topic, she needed some more lubricant herself. "Oh. That's right. Lawrence was with Raff the other week for that thing."
"Is it a state secret?" She gave her stepsister a self-satisfied smile, grateful to see her back on her heels for a change.
"No. According to Nicola, I have no valid reason for resisting but I'm just not sure I'm ready. It seems like such a final step." She stood up, grabbed her glass and the wine and walked past Gillian toward the family room. "Come on, if we're going to talk about this let's go move to softer seats in the other room."
Gillian dutifully followed and plopped herself down opposite Caroline on the settee. "I thought you were tired of all Nicola's traveling."
"That's not fair, using my words against me," she gently protested as she had uttered those words to her just the day before during their phone call. "Besides, you just sound like Nicola when you mimic that back to me."
"Good. If I had a partner to jump into retirement with I'd be taking a running start. I don't get you. Seriously, what's going on?"
Against her better judgment, Caroline leaned forward and poured more wine for both of them. She placed the quickly emptying bottle on the coffee table in front of them and slouched back against the sofa pillows to settle in. After a few seconds, she ran her hands through her hair and finally looked up at Gillian, blue eyes meeting blue eyes as if on a standoff. Realizing the need to get Gillian's perspective on the tiresome subject, she finally capitulated and prepared herself to tell Gillian some things she hadn't fully explained yet to Nicola.