Marlene stormed through her quarters fuming and throwing shoes at Lockharts' portrait he had sent to her that morning. There were holes in it now, but she took the most satisfaction in the hole that went straight through the buffoon's head. She knew it was petty but at this moment she couldn't be damned!
Sir Sirius was deliberately being difficult! It wasn't like she'd asked anything really, just for him to nod and if asked answer affirmatively that they were courting. He didn't need to do anything else! She didn't want to be courted, she didn't want him to dote on her, she didn't want him to do anything other than keep the idiot courtiers at bay. It wasn't like she could spend all day every day with Lily, though Marlene treasured that Lily was trying to make it so she could as frequently as possible. Why couldn't Sir Sirius just do her the favor? They'd call the whole thing off once he found a woman he was actually interested in or she found a man worth pursuing. It wasn't an actual courtship!
She desperately wanted to cry. This was one of those moments when she wanted her mother, when her absence ached in Marlene's chest like a knife wound when the loneliness began to take over, and Marlene gripped her desk as she tried to steady her breathing. The feeling of her chest collapsing had become familiar over the last six months. The panic she felt when the priest told her both her parents were gone constantly lingered under the surface of her practiced calm. The hole in her heart seemed to bleed through her bodice at random times and she was barely hiding the blood in her black dresses. Marlene hated black, and she was technically now allowed to wear colors again, but she knew that black was probably helping her now. She didn't look nearly as stunning in black as she did in the rest of her wardrobe. Black was a safe hiding spot at the moment. Black was her barrier to the rest of the world. Black was the shield she chose to use to deal with this hell that her life had become.
Slowly, painfully, Marlene kept herself from completely breaking down, regained control of her breathing, and placed her mask firmly back in place. This wasn't what life was supposed to be. This wasn't how she'd imagined her life. This wasn't whom she'd thought she'd be. What was she doing groveling to a man who didn't even want her? But what options did she have, every eligible man within her age bracket was interested in her politically. The only man she'd met thus far who didn't care about her or her position was Sir Sirius. He didn't even want to talk to her, and he was a pretentious bastard at that.
But then an idea hit.
Sirius didn't want to be around her, didn't want to talk to her, didn't want to willingly help her, but the right story, crafted well and spread through the right channels, could get her the same results and Sir Sirius wouldn't need to be involved at all really. Marlene smiled, her mother would have been proud.
Marlene would drop hints when speaking with the nobles, have Emmeline make comments to the other Ladies in waiting, she would talk about Sir Sirius anytime a suitor approached, she would be over the top when they were seen in public, and anytime someone asked, she would smile and sigh and not give a definitive answer one way or the other. It might work, or at the very least it would annoy Sir Sirius and at this point, she really wanted to get back at him for being so awful with her. If they'd been in private she would have let her tongue loose on him and the comments he made, the impertinence!
But he'd looked so haunted, a voice in the back of her head sounded softly.
Sure, but that was no excuse to take it out on her. Though Marlene would be lying if she didn't wonder what weight he carried. He tended to maintain a carefree smile, what had the council been discussing that had him walking out looking so defeated. Marlene didn't care what James said, there was definitely more going on than he was sharing and it hurt that he wasn't willing to share with her. It wasn't like other lands didn't have queens who ruled. It wasn't like she was completely inept. She didn't want to be a queen, but she really didn't want to end up the queen and be blindsided by the current "state of things" as James had phrased it. Maybe Lily knew what was going on? Marlene made a mental note to ask the next time she could spend the day with her.
Marlene walked into her bedroom and pulled her black dress off, removing her mother's knife, the one memento she kept of her mother, from her hiding spot in her bodice, placing it safely under her pillow. Marlene tried to focus on the routine of preparing for sleep, the comforting familiarity that at least this hadn't changed. Just when Marlene finally felt like she'd managed to get back into the proper frame of mind, she caught sight of her reflection in her vanity mirror and her heart nearly gave out on her. Then her brain reminded her it was only her reflection, that her mother was still dead and buried, and at that moment there was no black fabric to hide behind as her heart bled out and the anguish she barely kept in check came rushing out like a torrential downpour.
But no one saw the Princess curled on the floor sobbing like a little girl, a little girl who desperately missed her mother. And she intended to make sure that no one ever would.