I told Haruhi about Haruta and Nozawa's shadowing as soon as she got back from wherever she went during lunch.

"Don't worry about it." She sounded a little annoyed at me. "If you happen to get cleaning duty, I'll stay behind with you and escort you to the clubroom when you're done."

"I think they're after all of us, not just me."

"Well, obviously they are. I told you, that's why I painted our logo. But you're the only one of us who's wetting his pants over it."

"You realize there's a difference between being brave and being careless, right?"

She sighed and turned her head to the window. "Your excuses for your cowardice are so boring. Why did you insist on helping out yesterday evening, anyway? Who were you trying to impress?"

I gave up. She was clearly determined to hold onto her grudge against my initial "no" for as long as she could. Knowing her, that would be until the next caper came along, at the longest.

As luck would have it, neither of us drew cleaning duty, so we walked to the clubroom together. I looked over my shoulder every time I heard another student walking the halls. I was feeling about ready to face them and get it over with, but I wanted to make sure Nagato and Miss Asahina were safe first.

When we arrived, both the aforementioned girls were there, but Koizumi hadn't showed.

"Hey, Yuki," Haruhi said, in perhaps her most subdued clubroom greeting yet. "No one teased you today, did they?"

Are you kidding? Of course they did.

"No," Nagato answered. I wondered if she was lying to keep Haruhi from worrying, or if she hadn't recognized the things people were saying to her as teasing.

"Good. Mikuru! Haven't changed yet?"

"Um, no... I was waiting for you or Koizumi to arrive, because..."

"Because...?"

She was quivering like there was a vampire lurking outside the window. "Well, during world history I noticed Tomohiro Nozawa... He was looking at me like... like he hasn't done since Tsuruya made him stop bothering me..."

"Did you let Miss Tsuruya know?" I suggested. It suddenly occurred to me that as useless as my own friends were, Miss Asahina's friend could be an exceptionally good ally.

But she shook her head. "She wasn't there. She got sent home early... Someone threw a shoe that hit her in the face..." She sniffed miserably. "Her lip was bleeding everywhere..."

Oh shit. Come tomorrow they might all be in deep trouble for hurting the heir to the Tsuruya clan, but right now, they're after us and they're not fooling around.

"Whose shoe was it?" Haruhi asked.

"Does it matter?" I pointed out. "They probably stole it from someone else's locker."

"S-so... I was afraid..." Miss Asahina finished. "...that Nozawa might come in while I was changing..."

"Good thinking." Haruhi started digging into the SOS Brigade's closet. "It would have been a waste to get changed anyway, because I want you in a different costume today. Something I've been saving for the right occasion. And since we're at war, this is the perfect occasion!"

"O-oh? That sounds pretty good..." The promise of a costume that would protect her from ogling males for a change was enough to bring a shaky smile to her face.

"Here we are!"

"Nyaaahhh!"

I have to admit I was pretty shocked myself. Haruhi selecting inappropriately revealing outfits for Miss Asahina to wear was completely standard, but somehow I had expected her to be a little more tasteful considering the seriousness of our situation. Stupid of me, I know.

I think the popular term for what we were looking at is "chain mail bikini". But I'm not a fantasy nerd, so I'd better describe it in detail to avoid any confusion from my possible misuse of words. It had two pieces, one a set of briefs and the other a bra, for lack of a better term. Both were composed of faux brown fur overlaid with a net of cheap metal plates. There was a plastic scabbard and sword fitted to the waist.

It was the first Asahina costume Haruhi had presented to offer full coverage of the cleavage, but apart from that it earned no points for modesty. "You can't make her wear that! Her belly button will be exposed!"

"So? You never make a stink about it when I wear a two-piece bathing suit."

"We're not at a pool or the beach."

"Right, and this isn't a bathing suit. Now get out of here so Mikuru can get changed!"

She wasn't getting it. "Haruhi, this isn't the time to be playing dress-up. Those guys are after us and we have to -"

"I said out!"

The next thing I knew, I was being shoved out of the room with both hands. A split second later, the door was slammed behind me, and the sound of Miss Asahina's screamed protests ensued. I sat down, leaning back against the wall beside the door.

"Are the ladies getting into costume?"

I glanced up and saw Koizumi had arrived. "Just Miss Asahina. It seems Haruhi isn't taking the situation with Haruta, Inokuchi, Yamamoto, and Nozawa seriously."

"Oh?"

He didn't have anything meaningful to contribute, apparently. "Were they eyeballing you during class, too?"

"No. But then, they all already know who I am, thanks to yesterday."

We were awkwardly silent for a moment. Then the door reopened.

"Okay, you can come back in!"

Miss Asahina had, in addition to the chainmail bikini, a sash tied around her midriff, which I think I recognized from the kimono she wore at Bon festival. I guess Haruhi took my complaint about naval exposure to heart. Despite that, the outfit's wild, barbaric flavor had me staring rather more intensely than I should have. Miss Asahina was clutching her bare arms and looking at me like she feared I might be a masher.

"Alright, I'm glad you appreciate my savvy costume choice, but we've got work to do." Haruhi pointed a commanding finger at our laptops. "Get those articles written!"

Articles...? Are you serious? What about the four guys stalking us? What about, dare I mention it, the "phase three" you said we were going to discuss?

"We'll talk about phase three at the end of the meeting," Haruhi said, once more seemingly responding to my unspoken thoughts. "Right now we need to get this newsletter done!"

I looked for potential allies. But Koizumi just shrugged, and Miss Asahina's chief concern was still keeping her bare arms and legs as covered as possible. Nagato just sat in the corner reading, her shaved head reflecting the light of the already descending sun; she was less concerned about the bullies than Haruhi was.

So we sat down to work without further argument. Really, it was probably better this way, when I thought it over. "Phase three" was probably one cure which would be worse than the disease. And the bullies would surely hesitate to attack all five of us at once, holed up here in our headquarters. We were fairly safe for the moment.

You couldn't count on Haruhi in the least. It was up to me to formulate a way out of our situation.

As I stared at my half-finished article, hands unmoving, I ran over our options. Going to the school administration would probably be useless, even if we could prove anything. Nagato was the only one to witness a punishable offense; it would be her word against the four of theirs, and somehow I didn't think Nagato's monotone delivery would make her story sound at all believable. Besides, I'd never seen the administration do much to stop misbehavior. If they do, then I implore somebody to explain to me how Haruhi has escaped their attention all these months.

But if we acted on our own, what could we do? Yesterday's pranks had seemingly only added fuel to the fire. What could convince them to stop, to just leave Nagato and the rest of us alone?

I had no idea.

The dead-end route of my thoughts was interrupted by the sound of Haruhi growling through her teeth. "Kyon! Why won't this photo go where I want it to in the layout?"

I was sure that I didn't understand how anything, living or nonliving, could be so foolish as to not do exactly what Haruhi wanted him, her, or it to do, but maybe she would lay off the "coward" tune if I resolved the situation. I got up, walked over, and took a look at the screen.

My mood took an immediate turn. "What are you doing?"

"It's an article about bullying."

"I can see that. Why do you have that photo of Nagato with her head shaved up here?"

"Well, I've been trying to get it over there, so that I can fit another photo in the upper right corner, but -"

"I don't care. Get rid of it. This is embarrassing enough for Nagato as it is."

She looked up at me, her eyes half-lidded. "Everyone has already seen her like that in class or in the halls, idiot. Besides, this photo is crucial, to illustrate the seriousness of the problem!"

"It's the principle. You can't put a stupid newsletter before your friend's dignity!"

"Yuki's fine with it! Aren't you, Yuki?"

Nagato didn't look up from her book. "I am."

"See?"

She always agrees to whatever you want, you idiot. I restrained myself from blurting that out. Some things, once said, can't be unsaid.

"Fine," I said. "But you can figure out the layout thing on your own."

"Hey," she said as I started to walk away. "I'm not finished with you. Mikuru, Yamamoto is supposed to be in the tennis club. Go check to see if he's there right now. Kyon, go along and protect her."

...Excuse me?

"We need to know if those villains are really making a move on us. If Yamamoto's not at tennis club, that means they are. If he is at tennis club, then at least we have one less person to worry about."

I continued to gawk at her.

"I know just the thought of running into those guys makes your knees knock together, but I can't send Mikuru out on her own, can I? Just keep an eye out, and if you see them, run back here as fast as you can. If it looks like they're going to catch Mikuru, dive between her and them and do everything you can to distract them. You can be the coward who redeems himself with one self-sacrificing act of bravery."

This isn't some kids' movie. If it were, someone would have turned it off a while ago.

"Well, don't just stand there." Haruhi jumped to her feet. "Move out! That's an order!"

I wasn't so meek as to flee before some imperiously shouted words, not even when they came from the valkyrie-like visage of Haruhi Suzumiya.

The other recipient of that order was a different story, however. "Y-yes, Miss Suzumiya!" she yelped, then awkwardly saluted, before hurrying out the door.

Which left me no choice but to hurry after her. Never mind our adversaries; in that outfit, Miss Asahina would need protection against any males who happened to be wandering the halls.

She started at the sound of my footsteps as I caught up with her. "Oh! You did come!" She smiled.

"I couldn't leave you to fend for yourself, could I?"

"Mmm... No." She put an index finger to her chin. "But I thought Miss Suzumiya might have second thoughts."

It was incredibly odd. Haruhi, ordering Miss Asahina and I to go off alone together? With her wearing an outfit that had me openly drooling? Was I dreaming this?

Wait. What did she say before shoving us off? Sacrifice myself to save Miss Asahina? Maybe that wasn't just an idle thought. Maybe she sent us off hoping that we would run into Haruta and the rest, and that I'd perform just the way she said.

And when Haruhi really hopes for something...

Haruhi would never wish for me to be seriously hurt. I knew that. But since she obviously wasn't taking the threat posed by our enemies seriously, that didn't mean she wouldn't wish for us to be caught by them.

"Miss Asahina." I warned myself not to panic yet. What I was thinking was just a possibility. "Do you think you could time travel out of here? I'll check on the tennis club, while you go, say, 15 minutes into the future and back to the clubroom. We can tell them we got separated."

"Just to keep me safe from Nozawa and the others?" She smiled, and I felt myself blushing at how frivilous my suggestion sounded. "I doubt I would be granted authorization to do that. Besides, I can't abandon you."

Her fingers reached over to mine, lightly touching, and for one thrilling moment I thought she was going to take hold of my hand. Then she pulled away as though suddenly realizing the apple she'd been reaching for had a poisonous snake reclining near it. Damn Haruhi.

"Where are you two goin'?"

I looked up with a start. I'd been so focused on Miss Asahina's hand that I hadn't even been looking where I was going - and so had failed to see Yamamoto and Inokuchi in front of us, not two meters away.

"Escorting her to a fantasy convention?" prodded Inokuchi, who frustratingly showed no signs of spider bites. He and Yamamoto both looked relaxed, unhurried, and chillingly bemused.

I grabbed Miss Asahina's arm (I swear, in the fear of the moment I forgot that it was bare), intending to dash back to the clubroom, but when we turned around, there were Nozawa and Haruta. Miss Asahina let out a meek cry of dismay.

"That outfit definitely has a part in my fantasies," Nozawa leered.

"Shit, Nozawa, that was lame," Yamamoto said. He pointed to a nearby room. "Alright, you two, in there."

Was this it? Had Haruhi contrived this scenario? Was now the time for me to throw myself at them, and give Miss Asahina the chance to escape?

Yeah, right. Even if I managed to keep two of them busy, that still left two to grab Miss Asahina. And they would probably make it worse for us if we struggled. If Haruhi had scripted this for me to play hero, she'd done a poor job. If all you do is get yourself hurt trying to help someone, you're not a hero. You can only be a hero if you accomplish something.

Better to play for time. Nagato or Koizumi would realize something was wrong eventually.

"We're not going anywhere!" Miss Asahina's cry made me jump. Her hand clenched into a fist. "You creeps think you can hurt Miss Tsuruya and Nagato and get away with it? I guess you didn't learn your lesson yesterday - the SOS Brigade is here to make you regret your bullying!"

I'd never seen her like this before. She'd shown some pent-up indignation against Nozawa during our pranks, but it seemed like the violence against Tsuruya had ignited every ounce of righteous fury she had.

It was good enough to get some yuks out of the four thugs. Still laughing, Nozawa grabbed Miss Asahina from behind by her arms, pulling her towards the indicated room while she struggled and screamed.

I lunged towards them. "Hey, get your hands off -"

Inokuchi's fist slammed into my belly, making me double over. I went down so hard that my forehead clunked against the floor tile. My stomach screamed. I couldn't get a breath. First Nagoshi, now Inokuchi. I guess I'm the real One-Punch Man.

But I didn't stay on the floor for long. Oh, no. Yamamoto and Inokuchi wouldn't let me. They each grabbed an arm and pulled me up to my feet and through the door of the room where they wanted to torment us in private.

Miss Asahina was already inside, and putting up a better fight. By twisting herself forward, she landed a backwards kick on Nozawa's kneecap, loosening his grip enough for her to draw her plastic sword from its scabbard and thwack him on the hip with it.

"Ow! Man, you are feisty today!" Nozawa said delightedly, even as he clutched at his injured legs, allowing her to slip free.

"Let him go!" Swinging her sword like a true warrior maiden, she forced Haruta to retreat, then struck Yamamoto's arm so hard that he actually shrieked like a little girl as he dropped me. I'm sure that was my cue to use my newly freed hand to punch Inokuchi in his smug face and get us out of there, but I was so weak from that gut punch that I just slumped in Inokuchi's grip.

And Miss Asahina had underestimated Nozawa's enthusiasm. He sprang on her, wrested the sword from her grip with one hand, and with the other... my mind rebels at the very thought... he started feeling her uncovered parts. She screamed.

"D-damn you!" I shouted. The sight of Miss Asahina in such distress was enough to ignite what strength I had. I surged to my feet, determined to aid her no matter what the cost. But Inokuchi held me in a firm arm lock, and all my force of will couldn't break it. I couldn't help her.

"You've got ten seconds to let them go!"

At the sound of that bright, piercing voice, everyone turned their heads to the doorway.

There stood Haruhi Suzumiya, posed like an action figure, her finger on the trigger of the spray bottle full of I swear I have no idea what it is so stop asking damn it.

Her appearance got even more laughs than Miss Asahina's defiant speech from a few minutes before. "Get real! Even if that was loaded with anything dangerous, you wouldn't shoot your friends to get us!"

Oh shit yes she would. Please, for the love of everything holy believe me, she would.

Their ridicule only inspired a terrifying smile to spread over Haruhi's face. "The spray bottle's just to get your attention. What you really should be worrying about is this!"

She lifted her other hand. In it was the same video camera we'd used to film our movie.

"Sexual assault on a delicate young lady and physical assault on a mild-mannered young man. I was really hoping I'd catch you guys confessing what you did to Yuki and Tsuruya too, but this is still going to look pretty bad when I send it to the police, publish it in our newsletter, and post it on social media."

The four of them glanced sideways at each other.

"And don't even think about trying to grab it from me. You've seen me run - I've heard your dumb remarks from the sidelines - so you know you have no chance of catching me. Your only choice is to agree to my terms." She already sounded like a triumphant conqueror. But I had to admit, they weren't making any move against her. "They're simple, really. Let Kyon and Mikuru go. Never bother Tsuruya or anyone in the SOS Brigade ever again. And apologize to Yuki in front of her whole class."

There she was: North High's biggest weirdo, telling four scary bullies what to do.

"You're insane," Inokuchi spat.

Haruhi's smile didn't even flicker.

They agreed to the terms, of course. Even bullies have concerns about their future, and parents they need to please - most of them, anyway. I can't say what Nozawa, Inokuchi, Yamamoto, and Haruta's individual feelings were about Haruhi's threat, but at the least, enough of them were afraid of what that video could do to their social and academic standing that they couldn't form a solid majority against Haruhi. Nozawa let Miss Asahina go, upon which she turned and gave him a good kick where it counted.

After they beat a retreat, Haruhi uploaded the video to the computer and to a secure file-sharing account. If they ever violated her terms, the footage was ready to be sent out. She ordered us to finish up our articles for the newsletter, but Miss Asahina said she couldn't concentrate and begged leave to go visit Tsuruya. Haruhi then insisted that the whole brigade come along to see how she was doing.

She was doing just fine, it turned out, or was simply happy enough to see us that she was willing to fake being fine. When I asked what her family was going to do about the thrown shoe, she said she'd told them it was an accident, since she didn't know who had done it. Even if we could narrow it down to four likely suspects. I suspect that, while she didn't sympathize with those bullies in the least, she wasn't comfortable with the idea of extreme punishments being exacted on her behalf. She was a person who took care of herself.

Miss Asahina didn't mention Nozawa's groping when she told Tsuruya how the situation had been resolved, but it had to be preying on her mind. "Miss Asahina," I said when we got a brief moment alone. "Are you all right?"

She looked into the distance. "I think... I will be. I can't pretend it didn't affect me, but... I've promised myself. I've promised myself that I'm not going to run and hide back to the present - your future, I mean. I'm going to remain on my mission, no matter what I have to go through."

I'll bet she would succeed, too. She was quite a girl.

Even so, she shouldn't have been put in that position.

"Haruhi used you." For some reason, I felt awful for saying that. "She sent you to the tennis club because she knew they would go after anyone who went off alone, and that harassing you would make the best footage to blackmail them with. She even picked out that costume to incite them."

She looked at me. "Maybe she just got worried about us, and came with the camera to save us."

I knew she hadn't, though.

"Even if she did plan it..." There was that fire in her eyes again. "...it was worth it to stop them."

"What's with you?" Haruhi asked me the next morning.

For a moment I said nothing. I didn't want to talk to her. But I began to twitch in anticipation of her slamming the back of my head against the front of her desk, so I turned around and said, "Miss Asahina could have been really hurt yesterday."

"You say that like it's my fault."

"Well, you planned this from the beginning, didn't you? All those pranks were just a way of getting them angry enough to try something, weren't they?"

She folded her arms and shook her head, not as an answer to my question, but as a gesture of disappointment. "You need to use your head in these situations, Kyon. If you let bullies get away with bullying, they'll do it even more. But if you just retaliate, that'll make them all the more determined to get back at you."

Figures you'd think that. You never back down from anything.

"The only way to get them to stop is to make them want to stop. You have to make it so that the price of fighting on is greater than the price of surrendering. That's how generals win battles. You'd know that if you paid better attention in history."

I wonder if those generals' troops ever wished their general would just yield the battlefield instead of gambling their lives.

"I took the one sure path to victory."

"What if I had managed to get Miss Asahina away from them?"

She snorted. "I knew you wouldn't. Why do you think I sent you instead of Koizumi?" She leaned towards me, fixing my gaze with her eyes. "You need to learn to trust your brigade chief, Kyon. I have your best interests at heart."

The gut punch I took and the unwelcome fondling Miss Asahina took would seem to indicate otherwise, but okay. I guess I had to accept that Haruhi at least had good intentions. And just like with the water jugs, I didn't have a Plan C.

We finished assembling the newsletter at that day's meeting. Haruhi's article on bullying had one photo, an image she'd lifted off the internet. The shot of Nagato with her shaved head was absent.

"You weren't able to solve the photo layout problem, huh?" I remarked.

She gave me a blank look, then turned back to the printer, which was still spitting out copies. "Nope."

I thought about that. Suddenly it didn't make sense to me that Haruhi could have even had a problem doing the layout. The reasons why she had me take care of the website and such had more to do with her lack of interest than with any difference in our computer skills. Fitting two photos into the article should have been a snap for her. So then, why had she asked for my help with that in the first place?

I also thought about Nagato, who was now sporting some very cute peach fuzz. Koizumi, who had a "friend" in Nagato's class, assured Haruhi and me that after the bullies apologized per Haruhi's terms, the teasing over her shaved head had more or less died off. But that made me wonder. Nagato acted so convincingly unbothered by the shaving ordeal, and the teasing. So what reason did I have to believe that this was the first time she'd been bullied? Maybe this was just the first time something had been done to her that she couldn't hide.

And that made me think about Miss Asahina. She didn't have Nagato's stoicism, but maybe she was a better actress than I'd given her credit for. I thought about the way Nozawa said "You are feisty today" to her. I thought about the way she'd screamed back when Haruhi put the Computer Society President's hand on her breast. I had a chilling suspicion that maybe someone had put his hand there before Miss Asahina had ever entered the Literature Club room. I suspected, too, that she may have exaggerated how effective Tsuruya had been in stopping Nozawa from bothering her.

I noticed that Haruhi never had to ask for more tea during that meeting. The moment she had downed a cup, Miss Asahina was there to offer her a fresh one. And I noticed Nagato at one point raise her eyes from her book to give Haruhi a look that I couldn't define.

So maybe "Phase Three" had been effective. Fine. I still don't like the idea of Haruhi standing in the shadows, filming me getting beaten up.

Haruhi jerked her head towards me so suddenly that I almost spilled my tea. "I didn't think you'd fight them."

"Huh?"

"When they grabbed Mikuru." She lowered her eyes. "I didn't think you'd fight to help her. That's why I didn't step in sooner."

Damn mind reader. And do you really think I'm that craven?

Haruhi continued, "I thought you'd let them manhandle her, and I could get the footage we needed. I would have told you that was the plan, but I was afraid you wouldn't be able to act the part convincingly, you know? I just wanted some proof of what rats they are. I didn't think they'd... hit you..." She was now clenching her fists and trembling.

I felt like I had to say something or she'd start crying. "It wasn't that bad. I'm fine now."

I fell back as Haruhi thrust her pointer finger at my face. "Don't you dare defend them! Or make excuses for yourself, either! You shouldn't be picking fights with people if you don't even know how to fight!" Her eyes looked ready to burn through solid steel.

The printer had spit out the last of the copies, but she ignored them for the moment, instead looking over the membership of the SOS Brigade with a familiar spark in her eye. "Listen up, everyone! If there's one thing this incident should have taught us, it's that we all need to be able to defend ourselves! We'll finish distributing the newsletter tomorrow, and starting Monday you'll all begin vigorous training!"

She took a blank armband and a marker out of her bag and started writing. I looked over her shoulder to see that it read: Karate instructor.

God save us.

END