Chapter 3 - Decisions

October 2005

Jasper

It played over and over in her head. Jasper couldn't believe she was in this predicament. She'd been so careful…so safe…and then in one night, Sergeant McCoy had shattered her world and knocked her up. She'd like to knock him up – upside the head with an axe. She had to sit in meetings and briefings with him throughout the week despising the sight of him. She hated the way he looked at her with a sly smile playing on his face. He knew what parts of her felt like…looked like…he knew the taste of her kisses. These things she'd reserved for someone special, he'd just helped himself to. She hated him for it. She just plain hated him.

It was two days before her leave began that she was called to see Sergeant-Major Jackson – the commander leading her unit – in his office. She entered and saluted. "Corporal Palamo reporting, sir."

"At ease." He sat behind a mahogany desk, his eyes studying her, his face etched with years on the battlefield. He was the type of commander not to take any shit from anyone – the kind who yelled and chewed people out for the most minor things.

He told her to sit down. Jasper's heart pounded. God, what had she done? Had Sergeant McCoy reported her? If he had she was going to offer him a blow job and bite his dick off.

Instead, Jackson's face softened and he spoke in a very gentle tone. "I understand you're pregnant."

Oh…that. She recalled the doctor saying her command would be notified. "The doctor thought about five weeks… it would be almost six now."

Jasper expected him to lecture her on proper behavior while deployed, but a lecture never came. "Is the father in the picture?"

She shook her head. Why did her face feel warm?

"You have your options, of course. I will say being a single parent in the military is difficult, but if you have family to help, which from the things I've heard you say about them, you do, it may not be so awful." He folded his hands on the desk in front of him. "As I said, though, you have your options."

There was a pressure behind her eyes that felt familiar. No…no, no no…she was not going to do this.

"We understand this is hard, but you do have the support of the Army no matter what you decide."

Stop it, Jasper, she scolded herself. You are not going to… But she was. She felt her face scrunch up and tears fall from her eyes. God, she was crying – actually fucking crying – in front of her commanding officer. "I…I don't know what I'm going to do…"

To her surprise, he reached into a drawer and pulled out two tissues, which he handed to her. "My wife and I have three kids. I know it's not an easy time and emotions run high. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you."

He had no idea. She was carrying a child fathered by a man who had forced himself on her. She could do it…she could report Sergeant McCoy right here…right now. She could rake him over the coals something fierce and get him thrown in jail. His threats rang in her head…if he went down, so did she. Jasper swiped at her eyes with the tissue and took a breath. "I'm sorry, Sergeant-Major…I don't know…it might be the hormones." She did not just say that. She did not just excuse her behavior with…women's troubles.

"Like I said, it's a rough time, especially for a single mother. We'll have you on a modified PT regimen – you're expected to attend your prenatal visits and parenting classes." He gave her a kind smile. "You're a tough soldier, Palamo. You can handle this."

"And…if I choose…to end the pregnancy?" The words still didn't sound right.

"That is an option. You will need to bring in documentation from a doctor that the procedure has been performed before you resume your normal duties. Of course, you'd have to seek treatment outside a military facility should you decide on termination."

"Yes, sir. Thank you for…um…being understanding."

"We're human and things happen." He laughed heartily. "I know I come off as a hard-ass, but I have some kind of a heart in here." He thumped his chest. "Just don't let the others know, okay? I have a reputation to maintain."

"Thank you, sir. I will take my leave time to think about it and I will let you know of my decision when we return." She stood, saluted and walked out. That could have gone much differently. As Jasper walked to the barracks she thought about what he'd said: she had options. He had said she was strong and could handle it. However, he didn't have the whole truth. Was she really going to be able to carry this pregnancy to term? To watch her body change and give birth to this baby? She recalled her mother being very truthful about childbirth when she herself had been pregnant with Amethyst. Jasper hadn't yet known about sex, but was shown a picture in a book of a baby being born. The thought of childbirth – even years later – terrified her.

She knew, because of the circumstances, some would encourage her to go through with an abortion. She believed in choice – she did – but she never imagined she'd have to make that choice.

She knew her father would support her, as he always had, regardless of her decision. He'd also want to kill Sergeant McCoy, but so did she. He may sit her down and remind her of the importance of family. "Back home," he would say, "aiga – the family – is central to our way of life, second only to God. We will care for you and for your baby." Jasper's home was here and in America it didn't always work that way. There was adoption, but her parents would likely try and talk her out of that, or at least try to persuade her to give the baby to a family in the community. Could she do that? Could she watch this child grow up from afar knowing it was hers? Could she handle seeing it at happy celebrations and be reminded of that awful night?

It would be better, she thought, to give it away to strangers and never see it again. It's not even a baby – it's a cluster of cells. I could just do it now…get rid of it and then I have no reminders of Sergeant McCoy or that night.

Jasper thought again about her mother…about that book. Penina's stomach had already been quite rounded, but she had started at the beginning. "After about four weeks, the heart forms and starts beating. It doesn't look like a baby yet, but that's life."

Somewhere in her body, some of those cells were becoming heart muscle, perhaps already contracting, getting ready for a lifetime of work. She knew what her mother would say…she recalled what she'd already said: "You ever make that choice then you choose to deal with it on your own because I do not support it."

Her mother would consider it murder. Once the heart was beating – hell, once the thing was conceived, Penina would have said it was alive. But was it really? It couldn't survive outside of Jasper – not at this point. It probably didn't even look human. Right now, it was a parasite. She reached the door of the barracks and sighed. Even parasites were alive.

"Palamo!"

Jasper groaned. "Yes, sergeant?"

"A word, please." Sergeant McCoy's eyes were dark and he did not look happy. "In private."

"No. Not after last time. You can say what you need to here."

"You're pregnant?"

Fuck. Her command included him. Her eyes narrowed and she lowered her voice. "In private it is then, but you touch me – in any way – and I swear to God I will go right back to Sergeant-Major Jackson and tell him what you did."

"Good luck with that. Don't forget – insubordination."

Jackass. She followed him to his office, which was back in the other building where she'd just met with Jackson. Jasper stood there, hands on her hips and raised her eyebrow.

"I got the doctor's report."

"Okay. So?"

"You know I brought you to the medic that night after I realized you weren't dead. I checked your tags. You know what it says?"

Her name? Her serial number? Her date of birth? She crossed her arms. "I'm getting tired of games, sir."

"It says you're Catholic."

"And?"

He half-sat, half leaned on the side of the desk. "So, you're probably not considering abortion."

And she had him. She knew she did. He knew the baby was his and he was scared. Usually it would be her word against his, but if she had the baby and a DNA test was done it would help back her up. "The thought may have crossed my mind. I don't know though…I could have it, keep it, put your name on the birth certificate. How are you going to explain to your wife the child support being taken from your paycheck every month?"

"You wouldn't dare…you couldn't. On your own?"

"I have family to help. I could even stay in the military. I'm strong – stronger than you think probably and I can do this."

"Remember what you said – that you didn't want my wife to find out? Right before you agreed to fuck me. You knew I was married and you said yes anyway."

"I took it back!"

Sergeant McCoy straightened and took a few steps toward her. "That's not how I remember it. You wanted it – you begged me for it. You slut. Do you think my wife is going to be happy to hear that? You said you didn't want some woman coming on base and screaming at you…"

Jasper faced him, her fists at her sides now, shaking with rage. "I took it back and I said no – and you fucking did it anyway!"

"And who do you think my wife is going to believe?" He dropped his voice. "I would think long and hard before you go making accusations you can't back up."

"I told you no…and you did it anyway…without protection…"

"And where are your witnesses to that conversation?"

"You fucking knocked me up…and now what? You just get to go and live your life and I…"

Sergeant McCoy leaned in, the heat of his breath against her ear, causing her to shudder. "Get rid of it."

"I haven't made any decisions one way or…"

"Get rid of it and I'll leave you alone. We won't ever have any private meetings again. You can go on and go about your life like none of this ever happened."

"I don't…" She hated him being so close. The wall was to her back and he was in front of her and her eyes flickered to the door. She couldn't breathe as she remembered how he'd held her down.

"One more chance. You are to get rid of it, understand?"

Her heart thudded and her only response was to try and slip from between him and the wall and run. Her sergeant grabbed her, slamming her against the hard surface behind her. Before she could even think of her next move a shock jolted through her stomach. She cried out briefly and it was cut off by another blow. He had punched her…he was trying to make her lose the baby. Before she knew it, she was on the floor. She clutched her aching midsection and groaned. It took her a moment to realize, but he'd punched her too high to even come close to the baby.

He took hold of her bun, forcing her head up and turned her so she was looking at him. "I could make your life so much worse. You think about that." He let go so her cheek smacked against the carpet. "Dismissed."

She didn't wait for him to assault her further – she scrambled to her feet and ran out of the room, walking quickly to the barracks. She tried to control her breathing and her trembling hands. Jasper sat on the bed wanting to forget what she'd just been through…wanting to forget that night a month ago when she'd woken up to terror. But she couldn't forget the concern she felt for the baby…the cluster of cells…whatever it was that was growing inside her. She took a deep breath and heaved out a sigh. She went on leave in two days…and she had three weeks to make a decision.

Amethyst

It was Saturday morning – too early according to her – when the doorbell rang. She forced her eyes open and looked at the glowing alarm clock telling her it was almost nine-thirty. She glanced out the window from under her quilt at the changing leaves and groaned. She was supposed to see a movie with Peridot later and discuss their Halloween costumes, but she had plenty of time, so she rolled over and closed her eyes again.

Her mother's shrieking caused her eyes to fly open. Amethyst leapt out of bed and fell to the floor with a thud before scrambling to her feet and dashing down the stairs. "Mom! Mom! What…"

Penina had her arms wrapped tightly around Jasper, only letting go when she heard Amethyst's voice. "Your sister is home! Jasper, why didn't you tell us?"

"I had a lot…"

Her mother picked up the green duffel bag from the floor. "This your clothes?"

"Yes, but they're cle…"

"I'll wash them. You must be hungry."

"Actually, my stomach is a little…"

"I'll whip up breakfast for you." Penina walked off through the kitchen toward the laundry room.

Jasper looked up at Amethyst and snickered. "She hasn't changed."

Amethyst laughed a little. "She doesn't cook breakfast or do my laundry for me."

Fetuao hugged his eldest daughter. "I've missed you, Baby Girl. I'm glad you came home safe to us. So, let your mom fuss over you, okay?" He kissed her forehead.

It was honestly odd actually seeing her sister in person again. Of course they'd chatted over video, but she'd forgotten how tall Jasper was until she hugged her again. Her sister was close to perfect – she had a body most women would kill for. Her hair was long, the roots dark, giving way to light brown that hadn't been touched up since the last time she was home. The vitiligo painting light tones across her tan skin didn't seem to bother her. Amethyst envied her confidence. It was like Jasper knew she looked perfect and when she exchanged her camouflage for civilian clothes that showed her figure, everyone's heads would turn.

Within half an hour, her mom had whipped up corned beef and potato hash for a late breakfast. She'd also prepared mugs of koko using the special chocolate one of her friends had brought back from Samoa that she saved for very special occasions. She proudly plunked down a loaf of coconut bread. "I just made this last night. Shall we say grace?"

"Grace!" Amethyst exclaimed causing her sister to chuckle.

"Cute," her mom remarked as she sat down. She closed her eyes with the rest of the family. "Bless us, O Lord, and these Thy gifts, which we receive from Thy bounty. We offer special thanks for bringing Jasper home to us safely that we are all together again. This we pray through Christ, our Lord, Amen."

Amethyst immediately piled some hash on her plate and took a thick slice of the coconut bread, which her mom had warmed up in the oven. "You know what would go great with this? Butter." She rose from the table, getting some from the fridge and put it on the table.

"Not too much, Ames," Penina remarked. "Remember what a hard time we had finding you a homecoming dress?"

"Is that soon?" Jasper asked.

"It was last weekend," Amethyst told her.

"You go with anyone?"

"No. There's this guy I like but…I don't think he knows I exist."

"So, make him know." Jasper reached in front of her and took a tiny slice of bread. "There's no law that says you can't ask him out."

"He's a football player – really popular. He'd probably just say no."

Jasper spread a small amount of butter on her bread. "You gotta have confidence, Ames. Guys like confidence." She took a bite and made a face.

Fetuao laughed. "Did you forget you don't like coconut?"

Amethyst noticed a troubled look crossing her sister's face for a second before Jasper shrugged. "I like the smell and, I don't know, it smelled good." She choked down another bite.

Amethyst was looking forward to spending time with Jasper, but though the family ate dinner together that night, her sister then disappeared into her old room to sleep…for three days apparently. Wednesday morning at school, she vented to Peridot. "It's not fair. I don't see her for over a year and she's just sleeping. She gets up to go to the bathroom, maybe drink some water and that's it." Peridot opened her mouth to say something, but Amethyst continued on. "And my dad is just like 'give her a break – she came home from war, she's tired' and I get that, but it would be nice to see a little more of her than passing her on the way to the crapper."

She looked up as Seth walked into class and bit her lip. Jasper had said guys liked confidence. She should go up and ask him out then, right? She looked down at her black top and gray leggings with the stars on the knees. It wasn't as if she'd dressed to impress, but her makeup was on point, she realized as she looked in her compact mirror.

"Pfft, look at her over there," one of Seth's friends said. "If I had an ass that big I wouldn't be worried about my face."

Were they talking about her? And so what if his friend thought she was fat, at least her crush didn't…

Seth laughed. "You know what I call her – Pala-mooo." He emphasized the last syllable to sound like a cow's lowing. "People like to talk about being 'husky' or 'healthy' – I see her walking down the hall and it's like: 'LAWD, SHE COMIN'!'"

Peridot gasped beside her. "Did he just say that? I'm going to go straight up to that clod and…"

It hurt, it did…to think he saw her that way – a fat, ugly cow. Still, she pushed it down as she always did and waved her hand, dismissing it as though it didn't bother her. "Pffft, forget it, Per."

"But hearing him say that must make you so…" she lowered her voice, "…peeved."

Amethyst rolled her eyes. "Whatever." Then again, maybe she should start eating healthy and exercising like Jasper. Except she hated exercise. "Still, I think I'll have a salad for lunch."

"It's first period and you're already thinking about lunch?" Peridot asked. Her stomach growled. "I guess I am, too, but I didn't eat breakfast."

"How could you not eat breakfast?" Amethyst thought about the toast she'd had slathered in butter and jam. She'd nuked bacon in the microwave and fried two eggs in butter. Her mom had asked if she was really going to eat all of it. Amethyst had drenched the plate in syrup and dug in. However, her mother wasn't the only one who had an adverse reaction to Amethyst's food. The front door had opened and shut and Jasper walked in wearing workout clothes.

"I didn't even know you were up," Penina had said. "Are you hungry?"

"A little." Jasper had made a face at Amethyst's place. "Not for that though. American Heart Association breakfast, Ames?" Instead, her sister had surveyed the fridge and popped open the jar of dill pickles.

"Pickles for breakfast?" Her mother had simply shaken her head.

Jasper devoured five of them, crunching and chomping as though they were going to be outlawed tomorrow before putting the jar back. "Fuck, that was good."

"Language!"

Her sister had followed up her breakfast with a glass of milk, which Amethyst found odd because she failed to see how milk and pickles were a good combination. Jasper had sat beside her for a moment and Amethyst was filled with envy at her perfection again. She could go out jogging in a sports bra and tight shorts and looked amazing. Jasper didn't even appear to have rolls or any cellulite to speak of. Was it normal for Amethyst to have it when she was only fifteen? She bet Jasper didn't have stretch marks either while she herself had them on her boobs and belly. It must be easy to be confident when one was built like a fucking Amazon. Still, she'd given her sister a small smile and got one in return before Jasper's eyes flickered to her plate and she sprinted down the hall. The sounds of gagging and retching had echoed from the closed bathroom.

And there, sitting in class thinking of that morning, she got it. She knew exactly what was going on. It was no secret Jasper loved food, too. They were from the same parents, so why did one look amazing while Amethyst was built like an over-inflated beach ball? Because Jasper had discovered the rewind button. She'd heard of girls doing this, but had never thought to herself. She hated throwing up – it was disgusting, but it clearly gave Jasper the body she wanted. She didn't need all the muscles, so maybe she wouldn't have to work out, but she could lose weight and be thinner with just the right curves to make the guys go crazy. Then she could be confident and Seth would have to sit up and take notice.

Still, she knew she had to eat something, so she ate lunch as she normally would – pizza and fries – and decided she would not try this in the girls' bathroom. Peridot looked up from her sandwich. "I thought you were getting salad."

"Changed my mind." No doubt her mother would whip up something unhealthy for dinner, so she could try getting rid of that and still have her lunch.

Sure enough, that evening when she came to the table, her mother had made fried chicken with all the fixings – mashed potatoes and gravy, macaroni and cheese, flaky biscuits waiting for butter and honey. After a prayer, the family dug in, even Jasper, though she commented: "Mom, there's not a single vegetable on this table."

"There are potatoes."

"Green vegetables."

"Oh, I forgot the coleslaw." Penina rose and rummaged in the fridge before plunking a bowl on the table.

Jasper chuckled, shaking her head, but took some anyway. "Thanks, Mom. You want some, Ames?"

"No. Cabbage gives me wicked bad farts."

"Right, none for you then." Jasper moved the bowl away. "I'm planning to go out Saturday night with Lacy, by the way – for my birthday."

"Okay, well, plan to go with us to church Sunday morning," Penina told her.

Jasper let out something that sounded like a cross between a laugh and a scoff. "Jesus Christ…"

"Excuse me?" Penina raised an eyebrow.

"…is our Lord and Savior – praise His name – hallelujah!"

"Nice save."

"Yeah, I don't really do church much anymore."

"After being over there – with the things you've done – you should attend confession before Mass." There was no wiggle room in Penina's statement. Apparently, her eldest daughter was going to both church and confession on Sunday.

"Could we maybe do the Saturday evening Mass?" Jasper asked. "It's still at five, right?"

"Yes. We could do that."

Jasper nodded as she took another piece of chicken. "Then I'll be done with confession and church and I can still meet Lacy at seven. She says she has a surprise for me."

"Just don't drink too much, Baby Girl," her father admonished.

"No worries there."

A troubled look crossed Jasper's face for a split second, so briefly Amethyst wasn't sure if her parents even noticed. She felt like reminding them she'd be sixteen in February. She wanted a huge party, but likely it would be a family dinner. Were they not even doing a family dinner for Jasper's? She made her way upstairs and into the bathroom and let out a breath trying to see if she felt sick, but didn't. Rather she was full; she loved being full – it was like a hug from the inside. However, she wanted to look like her sister, to fit in and be beautiful.

Amethyst turned on the shower just in case anyone heard. She needed a shower anyway, so she stripped down before kneeling in front of the toilet. It took a couple of tries, but eventually she was able to make herself sick. It was disgusting – her eyes burned and her nose was running. She thought about how good the food had made her feel and how awful it felt coming back up. However, she knew it had been a million times worse hearing Seth say those terrible things about her. It was difficult how her mom was always on her about what she ate. Even Jasper's voice teasing her about her breakfast came to mind. She'd show them though…she figured in six months she'd drop weight and be hot and then things would be much better.

Jasper

Jasper hadn't brought a ton of clothes from the barracks, but it wasn't as though she had a lot of options for going out to begin with. So many of her outfits were either uniforms or for working out, but she had her favorite orange tank top with the beading around the neckline and a pair of black jeans, which she figured looked appropriate enough for church. As she buttoned her pants, she reflected on her flat stomach and imagined it expanding over the next several months. She wished she could tell her parents and have their support, but if she really couldn't go through with it, she hated to think of how disappointed they'd be. The only way they might possibly understand would be if she told them what had happened to her.

She'd rather die.

Sighing, she grabbed a lightweight black jacket, sliding it on to make her outfit look slightly more appropriate for church. Jasper looked out the window at the rain; a jacket was a good idea anyway. She made her way downstairs where her mother was waiting, wearing a black two-piece dress with flowers on it. Amethyst had chosen a short black dress with sheer black stockings. God, if it weren't for her brightly-colored tank top and her father wearing a vibrant red shirt with his black pants, they'd all look like they were on their way to a funeral.

Jasper got into her car so she could follow her parents and leave right after Mass. She started the engine, looking over in surprise as Amethyst plopped herself in the passenger seat. "Can I help you?"

"Let's ride."

"You know, sometimes when I drive, I like the quiet so I can hear myself…"

Amethyst turned the radio on and rock music poured from the speakers. "Hey, can we hit up Taco Bell on the way?"

"We're going to church, not to eat tacos. Then I'm going to see Lacy – alone – at La Fiesta so I can eat good Mexican food."

"I'd rather eat tacos than go to church."

Jasper laughed as she drove down the street. "Well, we have something in common then."

"I can eat, like, six tacos in one sitting. Peridot and I once got one of those huge boxes of like twelve and she only ate two and said she was full. Did you and Lacy ever do that?"

"No, Lacy was a model when she was your age. I'd go to her house for a predetermined amount of celery and carrot sticks."

"I wish I could be a model," Amethyst said wistfully.

Jasper shook her head. "No you don't – Lacy hated it. There were so many rules she had to follow, she missed a lot of school – a lot of growing up normally and her stomach was always growling. She quit when her contract was up December of our senior year. We went and gorged ourselves on food."

Amethyst sighed. "I bet she still looks amazing."

She stopped at a light and didn't answer. Amethyst wouldn't have seen Lacy and may not even know what had happened to her. Jasper had heard the explosion, but hadn't seen the direct aftermath. It was Ruby who found her later and told her Lacy had been nearby the truck when it ran over a bomb. She'd seen her in the medical tent soon after wrapped in bandages, one eye covered…her leg just gone mid-thigh. 'They're sending me home,' Lacy had said. 'I should have joined the Navy…like my sister.'

'No.' Jasper had gently taken her hand. 'You're a warrior.'

That had been six months ago. They'd exchanged some e-mails, but Jasper hadn't seen her friend since that day in April.

HONK!

Shit. How long had the light been green? Jasper kept driving, trying to banish those thoughts from her head. "I guess I'll see how she's doing later."

They arrived at the church quickly, Jasper taking in the familiar feeling of the red carpet under her boots, the incense that hung in the air, tickling her nose, and the gentle daylight streaming through the stain glass windows, depicting scenes she knew from the Bible. She joined the queue for the confession booth, which wasn't terribly long. Her mother was ahead of her and didn't take a very long time telling the priest maybe the two minor sins she'd committed in the past week. Jasper entered the small room and sat on the other side of a screen. She hoped the priest had a good, long time to listen to her lengthy list of transgressions. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been…about two years since my last confession. I've been deployed overseas."

"That must've been tough, but it's clear God has blessed you and brought you home safely."

Why though? What had she done to come home unscathed? So many soldiers never felt the earth of their homeland below their feet again. And then there were those like Lacy who had returned maimed. But she wasn't here to question God; she was here to confess. "Well, for starters, I have a dirty mouth – I mean, I say the F-word as much as I say 'and' – maybe more-so. I…was…" How did she say 'a goddamn slut' in a more church-friendly way? "…promiscuous while I was deployed." She sighed. She could tell the priest anything, right? No one else was listening. Her eyes flickered over to a painting on the wall of the Virgin Mary. "I'm pregnant…and I don't know what to do."

"Are you sorry for your transgressions?"

"Yes. I just don't know why God would allow this to happen to me." Her heart pounded. Was she taking up to much of his time? "You see…I was careful and I used protection and then my sergeant asked me…and I said I'd sleep with him, but then he wouldn't use a condom so I told him no…" Her jaw trembled and she shut her eyes as though to keep the tears from seeping through. "I told him no and now I'm pregnant…and I don't know what to do."

"That is a terrible burden to bear all by yourself. Once Mass is over, or when you feel comfortable, I'd like you to go to the Parish office. They can put you in touch with The Gabriel Project, an organization that helps pregnant women through this difficult time. We also run a sexual assault support group and they can help you heal from this."

Yeah, because healing is going to be possible, she thought bitterly. "I was considering…" God, she was actually going to say it to the priest who offered her help. "I think I want an abortion. I can't do this."

"Jeremiah 1:5 says 'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.' Your unborn baby is a living soul – one created by God. To end the pregnancy would be against the teachings of the church and the Bible. It would be a mortal sin."

"As I said, I was at war. It wouldn't be the first time I took a life – I suppose I should confess that, too. I killed in the war – I don't know how many men exactly." She did, actually, but she didn't discuss it.

"The Bible condemns pre-meditated, malicious killing – murder. War is unfortunate, but even God ordered the Israelites to go to war multiple times. You did your duty for your country, fighting enemies that threaten our freedoms and even our faith. For that, God will reward you."

Confusion reigned in her mind. "I'm sorry, but how is it worse to…to get rid of a baby conceived because of…in those circumstances, but it's okay that I shot full grown men and killed them? It was okay because it was war?"

"You still need to be absolved of that, yes, but it is different. The baby is innocent and an abortion would be intentional. That's the same as…."

"I'm like six weeks along – at this point it's a cluster of cells the size of a pea."

"It's life God has started in you."

"And every time I look at that child…look at my body changing then I have to remember…" Rage boiled in her at the contradiction. What kind of a church…what kind of God said war and the killing associated with it was acceptable, even noble, but she wasn't allowed to choose for herself whether to have the baby or not. "No. If aborting this baby is murder then so is what I did over there. There can't be good killing and bad killing – it's the same thing…"

"God's ways are mysterious…"

Jasper rolled her eyes. How many times were people of faith going to use that 'God is mysterious' line. "Don't give me that. It's not mysterious that this happened to me. It's not mysterious that I lived when so many others died. And don't you dare tell me that being pregnant is some kind of test because if it is, it's a pretty twisted, fucked up test!"

"My child, your language."

"It's fine – I'm out of here." It had at least been enlightening even if she wasn't forgiven. She stood and left the room. Suddenly, the scent of incense was so overpowering she thought she might choke…or throw up. Her eyes fell on Amethyst who was next in line to confess. "Tell Mom and Dad I'll see them later. I'm not feeling well and I'm gonna go."

Jasper couldn't hurry away fast enough back down the plush, red carpet, away from the eyes of saints from the stain glass windows following her until she finally pushed open one side of the double doors and found herself outside in the chilly, fall air. Leaves crunched under her feet as she walked to her car. She was certain she still believed in God, though she was pretty furious with Him at this point. Of one other thing she was certain: she would never set foot in that church again.

She had been away over Lacy's birthday last month, so she used the extra time to stop at a store, picking up a card with two laughing girls on it that said: 'You drink too much. You swear too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend'. She also bought a gift card to a local wine store. Jasper wasn't much for wine, but she knew Lacy occasionally enjoyed it.

La Fiesta was a little busy by the time Jasper arrived and Lacy was already there waiting for a table. Her once long hair was a little past her shoulders now, but still blonde and vibrant. She was still tall and thin and wore a long skirt concealing her prosthetic leg from the world. She looked at Jasper through her good eye, though it was nearly impossible to tell the left one was glass. She wore some eye makeup, but no foundation to cover the pink scars that stretched across her face. The tip of her nose was disfigured and it looked as though the area by her right ear had been burned. Then she smiled, showing off her perfect teeth and a friendly aura seemed to surround her. She hadn't changed at all and Jasper hugged her. Lacy squeezed tight, the gift bags she held rustling. "Happy birthday, bitch."

"Thanks, Crazy Lace. It's good to see you." What the hell did Lacy get her that required two gift bags?

Her friend pulled away. "I'm glad you returned safely. What's that smell?"

Jasper groaned. "Incense – I was at church."

"The fuck were you doing in church?"

"My mom wanted the whole family to go, but I'm not going back. We can talk about it after dinner – I have a lot to tell you."

Lacy got an awkward smile on her face that told Jasper she was somewhere between keeping in a secret and ready to burst out with exciting news. "Yeah, me too."

They were shown to a table and Jasper handed the card to Lacy. "I missed yours and it's hard to come by good gifts over there."

She opened the envelope and laughed as she read the words, but Jasper couldn't help but notice her face falling a bit at the gift card. "Thank you."

That was odd; Lacy loved drinking and partying. Maybe not so much since she was injured. God, she was probably on some medication that couldn't be mixed with alcohol. Way to go, Jasper, she thought as she started removing the tissue paper from the pink bag.

"Oh, the other one first."

O-kay…Jasper shook her head and took a box from the orange bag, opening it to reveal a mug with a galaxy design that stated: 'Friends are like stars. You can't always see them, but you know they're there.' How corny and sappy…and touching and she found her eyes clouding over with tears. God, she had missed Lacy.

"Jasps, are you crying?"

"Pfffft." She wiped the moisture away. "No. I have something in my eye…like an eyelash or…salsa."

A waitress walked up to their table and poured two glasses of water. "Are we doing margaritas today, senoritas?"

Jasper surveyed the drink menu. No…the baby was not getting that. She'd take two sips and regret it. She did not like coconut and there was no way… "I'll have a piña colada." What the fuck? But it sounded so good.

"Um…can I do a virgin mango margarita?" Lacy ordered.

That was probably a good idea. "Yeah, uh, make mine a virgin, too." Great, she'd ordered an expensive coconut-pineapple smoothie she wouldn't even finish. Wait, Crazy Lace who loved drinking had just ordered a virgin margarita? "You're not drinking?"

"Why aren't you?"

"I have to drive."

"That's a good reason."

It was, but it was also a lie. She could hold her liquor and one drink wouldn't get Jasper close to the legal limit. Jasper removed the tissue paper from the second bag and saw a pink shirt folded up inside. She suppressed the urge to roll her eyes. Lacy knew her enough to know she didn't like pink. Still, she smiled and took it out, unfolding it, her brows furrowing as she read the white lettering on it…then read it again: Maid of Honor. "What the fuck?"

Lacy held out her hand, a small diamond sparkling on her finger. "I'm getting married. You know, to Carlos – the one I wrote you about."

"You've only been dating a few months. I mean, are you sure?"

"Wow, Jasps, thanks for having my back."

"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that – I'm just surprised is all. Of course if you love him and that's what you want, I'll support you." Jasper ran her fingers along the letters. Lacy knew that already or she wouldn't have given her this shirt. "And yes, I'll be your maid of honor. What about your sister though?"

Lacy shrugged. "I'm closer to you than I am to her. She surprised me by requesting leave for the wedding. She'll be off the ship then anyway and can come."

"Your mom?"

"Still haven't forgiven her; still don't want to see her. She is not invited."

Jasper didn't blame her. Lacy's mom had been a right bitch for siding with her husband over her own daughter. Jasper couldn't wait to talk to her best friend in private. If anyone could understand, it was Lacy. Their drinks came and Jasper ordered her usual carne asada with a side of shrimp and mushrooms cooked in butter and spices. Wait, was she supposed to be eating shellfish? What did she care? She didn't even know if she was keeping the damn thing, so it could survive a little bit of seafood. Wait…Lacy usually ordered a seafood chimichanga, but when their order came she started digging into a pork enchilada. It couldn't be. Jasper took a sip of her drink. Part of her enjoyed it thoroughly as it soothed her odd craving for a food she otherwise hated. A single thought ran through her head: the baby wanted it. It's not even a baby, she reminded herself as she stabbed a shrimp with her fork.

"What did the shrimp do to you?"

"I'm sorry, Lace. I just have a lot...I'm pregnant."

She wasn't sure exactly what she expected – concern, sympathy or joy – but Lacy laughed. Actually fucking laughed. "Oh my God – so am I!"

Jasper forced a smile and ate one of her mushrooms.

"We're best friends and we'll have kids together and they'll be best friends," Lacy planned.

"We…can't just force our kids to be best friends. What if they hate each other?" What if I don't have mine?

"I'm not telling anyone else yet, you know, just in case. I was nervous about telling Carlos, but he's from a large family and always wanted kids so he's thrilled. I mean, it wasn't perfect planning, but if being in the Army taught me something, it's that life doesn't go as planned."

Jasper scoffed. "Yeah, no shit." She paused to eat a few bites. "I haven't told anyone either, except my command because I had to."

"Wait, not even your parents?"

"Not yet."

Lacy gave a kind smile. "It shocked me at first, too. What about the father?"

"What about him?" Jasper's tone sounded much nastier than she'd anticipated. "Sorry…he…I'll tell you everything later I promise, but this isn't ending with a fairytale wedding, that much I know."

Their conversation turned to other things during dinner, with Lacy doing most of the talking about Carlos and what she envisioned for her wedding. It put Jasper at ease, honestly, though the last eighteen months and that horrible dream were still in her mind, talk of dresses and flowers gave her something else to focus on. "Do they have to be pink?" Jasper asked as she lay her silverware on the empty plate.

Lacy sat back and put a hand to her stomach. "It's my wedding, bitch. I'm not looking forward to wearing orange at yours."

They paid and headed to Lacy's one-bedroom apartment, which was nearby. Jasper slipped her boots off and joined her friend on the couch after they grabbed glasses of water from the kitchen. "Are you and Carlos moving in here?"

"No, Carlos has a house. His dad owns a car dealership, so Carlos works there and does pretty well for himself. I'm going to school to be a physical therapist and I still have some of my modeling money left." Lacy put a hand on Jasper's shoulder. "You want to tell me what's going on? You got pregnant over there, didn't you? Anyone I know?

Jasper looked at the floor and nodded. "Sergeant McCoy."

"Ew, that perv! Remember how he told us once to make him a sandwich and I told him to fuck off and he says: 'I'd like to be in the middle of a Palamo and Agate sandwich'." Lacy shuddered. "You slept with him?"

Jasper felt that pressure behind her eyes and did nothing to stop it. She could cry in front of Lacy; she could spill out the whole story and did. For the first time, she told another person everything about that horrible, awful dream. "But dreams don't get you pregnant…I don't know what to do…" She covered her eyes with her hand. "I just don't know…if it's a dream, I can handle it, but if I'm pregnant then…I don't think I can go through with this."

Lacy had her arm around Jasper and squeezed her shoulder. "Have you reported it?"

"Are you crazy? You know what happens to women who squeal. I want to stay in the Army; I can't go causing trouble."

"I know it can be scary. Remember, I had to go to the police about my stepdad …"

"Okay, but you were eighteen, independently wealthy and your career was not in jeopardy. Sergeant McCoy could make my life a lot worse. What if people don't believe me?" Jasper sniffled and accepted a tissue from her.

"That is a valid fear. I know my mom didn't want to believe me."

"Yeah, well, you weren't going around being a slut with a bunch of other people, so that's just her being a shitty parent."

"Jasps, it doesn't matter how many guys you were with. You told him 'no'."

"Lace, right now I need to figure out what to do about the baby."

"How far along are you?"

"About six weeks."

Her best friend nodded understandingly. "So you still have some options. Will your family help?"

"I'm sure they would, but I don't want them to know what happened. My mom will be disappointed that I was acting that way and I think it would hurt my dad too much. And if I choose to end the pregnancy, they can't know because in their eyes it's a horrible sin."

"Even though you were raped?"

"Don't say that word! That is not what happened!" That word…that thing…couldn't have happened to her.

"Then what would you call it?"

Jasper shook and her stomach flip-flopped at the thought of what had happened that night. "I acted like a complete and total slut and I got what I deserved…I should have just agreed to let him sleep with me…"

"No, Jasper, this was not your fault."

"It was; it really was. I should have just let him have 'the real deal' – let him fucking touch me all over because that's what he did anyway!"

Lacy hugged her. "I used to think I did something wrong too, but I didn't and neither did you. I'll tell you what, on Monday we're going to go to that women's clinic downtown, okay? They'll check you out – they can test for diseases and give you options about what to do with the pregnancy."

Her mind raced back to her confession and how the priest condemned even her thoughts about abortion and she told Lacy about that quickly. "I…I'm not sure I want to have this baby. I'm not sure I can. Is that terrible of me?"

"Jasps, you should know me well enough to know I'm not going to judge any woman for their decision no matter the reasons behind it. Whatever you decide, I'm here for you and I support you. I am so sorry you had to experience this. I'm not you, so I can't say I know exactly how you're feeling, but I've been through the same thing and I understand. You can always talk to me and I'll help you however I can."

Jasper wiped her nose with the tissue, thankful her tears had dried up. "If I have this baby, I'm going to have to watch my body change…I'll have to deal with either giving it away, which my parents will fight me on, or raising it and being reminded every day of what happened."

"You don't just forget." Lacy stroked her arm. "You can deal with the pain and move on, but you're never going to forget. However, you have to do this for yourself. You need to listen to yourself – not your mom or dad, not the priest, not anyone else. If you feel that having an abortion will put you in a better mindset to deal with the trauma then you need to do what is best for you. I'll be with you every step of the way."

Numbly, she nodded, exhausted after crying so much and spilling all this to her best friend. Lacy was right. She needed to think about herself, not the baby. She put a hand to her stomach; she needed to stop thinking of it as a baby if she was ever going to go through with this. But she had to go through with it. "Then, I've made my decision…"

The Gabriel Project is a real project run by the Catholic Church to help women with an unexpected pregnancy - more information can be found at their website at: .us