Chapter 7 - Pieces

December 2005

Jasper

Jasper's fingers tapped nervously against her knees as she sat down in the counselor's office. The sofa was comfortable and there were plants everywhere and pictures on the wall of nature scenes.

The counselor was a middle-aged man, his long black hair streaked with gray pulled back in a ponytail. Though his face was lightly lined and his stomach was a little pudgy, he may have once been very handsome. Actually, he still was in his own way, she decided. He introduced himself as Derek Eagle. "So, most people would have you fill out the intake form by yourself, but I like to ask the questions to get a feel for who you are and what we might want to discuss during our time together."

"You don't want to know the main reason I'm here?"

"We'll get to that." He held up a clipboard. "Let's start with your childhood. Who did you grow up with?"

"My mom and dad and a sister." She answered questions about abuse in the household, drug use and prison stays, none of which applied to her. "I had a very good life, actually."

"And you left home at eighteen when you joined the Army?"

She looked down at her camouflage, having not had time to change. "Yeah. I served in the MP for a while until they let women in combat then I changed my specialty to the infantry and that's what I was doing in Iraq the past eighteen months. I just got back the end of the September."

"Are you in a relationship?"

"No…well, I went on a date this past weekend and we talked about getting together again. Wouldn't call that a relationship."

"Are you sexually active?"

"Is that really relevant?"

"Absolutely." He didn't explain further.

"No." Be honest, she told herself. "Okay, well, I have been…" what was a good word to use here? "…promiscuous, especially lately."

"Any particular reason?"

Jasper shrugged and shook her head. "Sex is fun." Was.

"Have you ever been the victim of sexual assault?"

Her heart pounded and her lungs contracted, making it hard to breathe.

If you say anything, there will be consequences.

It was a dream…it was just a dream. She wasn't 'victim' – no, Jasper Palamo could never be a 'victim'. It had never actually happened. "No."

"From the information you gave my receptionist, your main concern was about a war experience."

"Yeah. I mean, nothing about war is easy, but just before I left there was this battle and…" she paused to take a breath. "…I lost nine people I knew from my squad. I was laughing with them just that morning…and then they were just…gone. One of them was my roommate – Ruby."

Derek nodded and jotted down some notes. "It's never easy to lose friends."

"I should have died with them. The terrorists were going to shoot me, but they didn't. I looked dead to them, so they didn't." Her voice faltered and she blinked furiously trying to keep the tears back. "And…ever since, it won't stop. I should have died there too…and I keep hearing guns and bombs in my head. My dreams are real – it's like I'm back there. I can't even hear a car backfiring or something being dropped or I startle. I was in the store helping my mom shop for Thanksgiving shit and I literally stopped in the frozen foods and stared at the Otter Pops because one of the last conversations I had with Ruby was about goddamn Otter Pops." She squeezed her eyes together but a tear escaped anyway. "It was going to be Thanksgiving and I was with my family and Ruby wasn't with hers. I tried to save her, I did…"

He handed her a box of tissues. "Jasper, losing a friend is never easy and this is a safe place. You can express your feelings here and it's okay to cry. It's a sign of how much you cared for Ruby."

"I talked to my dad about it – he was in Vietnam – and he said a lot of the guys came back shell shocked. Yeah, I've heard about those guys – hiding under the damn table at Christmas throwing rolls at 'Charlie'. Okay, I don't want that to be me. I want to be normal – not crazy Auntie Jasper who could go off at any time."

"Understandable. We didn't know a lot about the effect battle could have on combat soldiers – particularly the psychological impact back then. The doctors wrote it off as being 'crazy', many people were against the war and had negative feelings and a lot of the returning veterans didn't get the care they needed. Was your dad in combat?"

"Not that I know of. He doesn't talk about it much, but I don't think he saw much action. He has this story about bananas he tells a lot."

"That sounds interesting, but let's focus on you. Now, we know much more about how being in active combat can alter the mind and we've discontinued the use of the term 'shell shocked' – it's archaic. Now we call it PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Have you heard of it?"

"Yeah."

He asked her a series of questions about that battle and how she was dealing with it, which from her answers, she gathered was poorly. "I think it's safe to say you're probably suffering from PTSD – very common in combat soldiers. The good news is that it's manageable and our time together is going to be spent talking about your experience and helping you come to terms with it."

"Okay."

"But you have to open up to me. Before our next appointment, I'd like you to write out a trauma narrative – your account of that night, what you remember, how you felt about it then and how you feel now. Next appointment, I'll have you read it to me and then we can start dissecting some of those feelings over our visits and help you come to terms with them."

"Is swearing okay?"

"If that helps you express yourself, then yes."

God, the last thing she wanted to do was go back to that night and all that happened, but she'd promised Lacy she'd give this a chance. She took a breath and thought about the journal she used to keep. She wasn't sure where it was anymore and would need to get a new one. She guessed her next few nights journaling would be devoted to this as she began picking up the pieces of her broken mind and putting them back together.

"Strike!" Jasper jumped in the air and whooped happily.

"You're kicking my ass." Matt laughed as he picked up his bowling ball from the return machine. "For a cheap date, this is pretty fun."

Jasper sat at the table, watching him approach the lane as the pins were reset. "Yeah, I haven't done this in a while." She plucked a chip from the basket of nachos and crunched it. "I don't normally eat this kind of stuff, but damn I missed nachos when I was deployed."

"I miss my mom's cooking." He sat beside her and looked up at the screen, his score reflecting the single pin he'd managed to knock down. "I miss the palm trees and the sun and the sound of the ocean."

"Well, we have pine trees and rain and the sound of the waves in the Puget sound."

His brows knitted together. "Wait…Pyuu-jet? I've been saying Pugget for like three months and you're the first person who's corrected me."

Jasper laughed. "Pugget! Sorry, but that's…that's kinda cute."

"And we have mountains, but not like here. In Samoa they're green…and they're volcanoes."

"What do you think ours are? Don't let the snow fool you – they've been saying we're due for an eruption and a huge earthquake for YEARS."

"And neither of those things have happened?"

"No, well, we had a quake about five years back when I was in high school. We were supposed to have a pep rally that day, so Lacy and I were cutting class and we're near the gym and hear this rumbling and thought it was the pep squad practicing. Then the ground starts rolling – no shitting you – rolling and twelve years of earthquake preparedness – out the window. We're like 'what the fuck do we do'? By the time we thought to get under a nearby door frame, it was over. There was some damage to older buildings, but it wasn't too bad."

Matt nodded. "Never been in an earthquake, but we've weathered a few typhoons. They said it's gonna get cold in the next few days, so maybe we'll get some snow."

"It's possible."

"Well, this game is almost over, so roll again and beat me."

"Gladly." Jasper got up and bowled another strike. "Well, that's turkey then."

"You got lucky."

She did a victory dance and laughed as she sat down to finish the nachos with him. "You've said you like football. Do you play?"

"I did in high school. Back home I'd play for fun with my cousins and neighbors sometimes." He popped a jalapeño in his mouth. "So, you have any tattoos?"

"Me? No."

"Really? You seem so badass, I figured you'd have at least one – maybe even malu."

"Oh, no – I mean, I've considered it. Not malu, but something and I think I want a traditional design but I'm not sure what, you know. It's permanent and I don't want to just settle and be stuck with a turtle or something on my body. What about you?"

"I got my pe'a done before I left for boot camp."

"Really?"

"Yeah, it took a whole summer and then my family and village had a huge fia fia to celebrate and also say goodbye."

"My dad had it done after he left the Army. You think I should get it done?"

"What pe'a?"

Jasper laughed and shook her head. "No, I'm not going that far. Besides, that's just for guys. Maybe I can get a little ankle tattoo."

"Naw – those are for princess types. You're not a princess." He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "You're a warrior."

She felt warmth spread in her stomach and heat rise to her cheeks. His touch was gentle and welcoming and a smile came to her lips as he held her hand while they walked back to the barracks. They stopped in front of her door all too soon. "I had fun. We should do this again."

"This weekend?"

"I can't. My friend, Lacy, is getting married."

"Right, you told me that was soon. You get to wear some hideous dress, right?"

"Well, the style isn't bad, but it's pink." Jasper made a face. "I hate pink."

"It's not my color either." Matt chuckled. He cupped her cheek with his hand and stroked her skin. "I like you, Jasper."

"I like you too."

"Would it be okay if I kissed you goodnight?"

"You're actually asking?" When he nodded, she smiled. "Yes, that's okay."

The kiss was soft and gentle and her lips tingled deliciously even after they'd said good-bye and she settled in her room for the night. After so many years of fuckboys and relationships that lasted weeks at most, it finally felt like maybe this could go somewhere. She'd promised herself long ago that she wouldn't date anyone in the community, but she hadn't grown up with him, so this was a little different. Another smile as she got into bed. He was different. And she liked that.

Jasper was not used to wearing makeup…or a dress, but she shoved down her feelings about the off-shoulder pink taffeta dress with ruffles on the bottom because this day was not about her. She adjusted Lacy's veil over her face and smiled at her. "You look…"

"Don't say beautiful. I'm wearing this veil for a reason."

"You stop that nonsense right now," her sister, Holly, told her. "Carlos loves you for more than your face."

"Besides, you look extremely happy today," Jasper said.

"Glowing, even," another bridesmaid chimed in.

Lacy smiled and put a hand to her stomach, which was slightly rounded. "I'm so nervous…it's like butterflies in there."

"Are you sure that's nervousness?" Holly asked. "I mean, you're what – nineteen weeks now?"

Lacy ran her hand along the bump covered by her white satin dress. "Oh my God…I can feel him move."

Jasper forced a smile. She'd been a couple of weeks behind. Maybe she'd be feeling her baby move soon. Maybe, like Lacy, she'd know what she was having and would be thinking of names. She took a deep breath. Why was she even thinking of this? She made a choice…a necessary one. Right now she needed to be happy for her friend.

The wedding itself was a very typical affair, as Jasper had expected. She stood beside Lacy, holding her bouquet as the couple exchanged vows. She'd known her as Lacy Agate – Crazy Lace – for so long that the thought of her changing her name, becoming a wife and mother was odd. For years it seemed like they'd never settle down, that they'd be friends forever without change. Change was inevitable, but at least if it had to happen, it was a good change. She could have lost Lacy like she did Ruby, but here she was, watching her best friend slip a ring on Carlos' finger.

"With this wing, I thee wed…" Lacy breathed, her voice airy as though trying not to cry.

Hold on, had she heard that right? No, of course not. But then she heard Holly stifle a snicker beside her. Yes, she had – she'd botched her vows and said 'wing'. Wow…well, maybe no one else noticed.

Unfortunately, it was apparent everyone had noticed as they both congratulated the couple and teased her during the reception. Carlos' mother laughed. "With this wing…"

Lacy turned to Jasper who sat next to her at the bridal table. "And to think I was going to try and say these vows in Spanish…as a sign of respect or something. It's not like I remember a lot from high school though."

"I only speak it well when I'm drunk and can sing a mean La Bamba…other than that…I'm right there with you."

"And how are things going with your man?"

Jasper smiled and cut into her chicken. "They're good. He's coming to Christmas dinner. My parents couldn't be happier, but I told them it's nothing serious right now."

After the best man had made his speech, which involved note cards and calling the bride Lexi by mistake, it was Jasper's turn to stand up. "Well, I'm not much for writing speeches and I am much for procrastinating, so I guess I'm gonna – wing it." She paused while everyone laughed and Lacy gave her an incredulous, but amused look. "Sorry, Lace, I had to. Lacy and I have been best friends for twelve years or something now and I guess we all knew this day would come when Lacy would meet someone who completed her in ways that no other best friend could. Now, she's given him a promise to share her life with him and invited him to be not just a best friend, but a soul mate. So, to Carlos and Lacy." She raised her glass of sparkling cider with everyone and took a sip. She looked at Lacy after she sat down. "I'm gonna need a stiff drink after this."

"I've been craving a hot toddy recently. Isn't that something? All the cravings in the world and it's something I can't have. Well, I decided if I can't drink at my wedding no one else is either." Lacy laughed. "I'll be your turn soon. Word of advice – make sure you're not pregnant."

Well, she definitely wouldn't be getting married in December if she could help it. She took another drink of cider and inwardly made plans to burn the ugly dress she was wearing.

"I had an abortion, you know," Jasper told Derek at her next appointment. "I'd be about seventeen or eighteen weeks now…and I know I had to do it, but I still feel guilty. Especially when I see Lacy's pregnancy progress, it just drives the point home that I didn't even give my baby a chance."

"You're already dealing with a lot – loss, survivor's guilt, PTSD – you did what you had to do for your own mental health. Going through with an unplanned pregnancy on top of everything else would have been difficult."

"My religious background is Catholic. What I did went against everything my parents and my church taught me…and what I believe morally. I'm all for freedom of choice, but I never wanted to have to make this choice for myself. I truly thought when I got pregnant it would be because I really wanted a child, but I…I just couldn't face it."

He scribbled a few notes. "Being a parent – especially a single parent – is not easy and from what we've discussed, you seem very career-oriented. I imagine it would be difficult to be a soldier and a mother."

Jasper shrugged and looked over a plant in the corner. "Women do it. It's not impossible. If the circumstances had been different maybe…no, not maybe – I would have owned up and kept it. Even if it was hard, I would have done it."

"Are you feeling jealous of your friend?"

She paused for a moment. Talking about her feelings wasn't something she was used to yet, but she'd only been to three sessions. "I don't think 'jealous' is the right word. I mean, I'm happy for her – this is something she wants and she's getting it. You know, I have other opportunities for babies and now was definitely not the right time. I guess I just feel guilty that I cheated it out of a life. I still think I could have given it up for adoption, but I'd still have to deal with the pregnancy and my family's reactions."

"You think they would have been angry or disappointed?"

"Not about me having a child – I mean, my mom may not have been thrilled about my not being married, but they know I'm an adult. Family is very important to us – our entire community is like a huge extended family, so if I gave away a child who was meant to be part of that family, I know they wouldn't be happy about it." She squeezed the stress ball she'd plucked from the shelf earlier. Having something to do with her hands helped her concentrate. "That would have been unthinkable to them. They'd have helped, but…"

"Sometimes you have to focus on what's best for you."

"If I was insistent on it, they'd have encouraged me to give the child to a couple that we knew – someone I'd see regularly at community events…parties and such. I'd have to watch it grow up and I'd be reminded of…well, I'd just want to break all contact, that's all."

"I remember you saying you'd slept with other soldiers…"

Jasper gave a nervous laugh. "There was no sleeping."

"Was the father of your baby one of the men who died? One of your friends?"

"No…I was really careful with them." Her heart pounded and the stress ball nearly slipped from her sweaty hand. "I used condoms…every time."

Here – if you don't have one I do.

I don't think so.

Then it's a no.

"Jasper, you seem far away. Where did you go just now?"

"N-nowhere. I mean, I was just thinking about some of the guys. Three of them I were with died that night…you know even though I was having sex with them and we had this arrangement, they always treated me like a friend." She took a deep breath and willed herself not to cry. "They were…my friends."

"Jasper, if you have to cry – to mourn – this is the place to do it."

"I don't cry. I've always been strong. I mean, I cried when I was pregnant, but I think that was the hormones."

"Do you not cry because it's not a physical response you feel to pain or sadness? Or do you try and stop it before it starts?"

"Uh…yeah, that second one. I'm strong – I'm supposed to be strong and strong people don't cry."

"That's not true. Do you find yourself getting angry when you keep these feelings inside?"

"Sometimes. I guess I feel if I cry over something like losing my friends, I might not be able to stop. I mean, I come from a culture where family is important and then in the Army your fellow soldiers are brothers and sisters-in-arms. They also tell you don't get too close, you know, you never can tell what's going to happen, but…" she shrugged. "You can't help it. You work with them…you become friends and then in one night several of them are just gone…just like that."

"And how did that make you feel?"

Her face flushed and her chin shook…so did her hands and suddenly she had a death grip on the stress ball. "Angry – it's not fair! I know it's what we sign up for and when I'm in uniform, I'm supposed to put all my human feelings aside and focus on the job but I'm still a person and it still bothers me when people DIE. I mean, I saw Lacy after she got dismembered and Ruby's gone and I'm a fucked up mess and now I find myself asking why the fuck we're even over there. I used to want to make a difference – I used to think I was doing something good and noble. Now I'm wondering if I'll really renew my contract when it comes up later next year. Do I really want a full military career or do I want to get out?"

"That's a question only you can answer. Try to remember why you wanted to get in – what difference did you want to make in the world?"

"I saw news reports of the women in Afghanistan being treated horribly – not just unfairly, but horribly. Like if their shoes made noise on the street or they laughed in public they could be beaten. They were shrouded like they shouldn't be seen…like they weren't even people. I mean, I could wear what I wanted, speak my mind, get an education and I wanted that for them. I thought being a soldier – going over there and kicking the Taliban's butt, you know, I'd do some good in the world. But we go over there and we shoot them and they shoot us and now we're in Iraq and I just follow orders and even I'm questioning whether this is about terrorism or oil or God only knows what anymore." Jasper sighed heavily. "It just seems like I'm not really making a difference."

Derek nodded and wrote down some more notes. "I would try and find that passion again – that passion to help people and see how you might be able to do so in the military. If you can't, you may need to look outside the box."

"I don't know what I'd do. I mean, the military pays for college, but I've never been that smart and I'm too old for that shit."

"You're never too old to further your education or improve your life in any way. Now, why don't you feel you're smart?"

Jasper scoffed and shifted the stress ball from one hand to the other. "I didn't get good grades in school. I guess I really just didn't apply myself…I did very well on the ASVAB, which surprised me. Never did take the SATs because I always figured I was joining the Army. I'd planned on it since I was twelve."

"What made you decide that so young?"

"My dad, I guess. He was always strong and I've always been more like him than my mom. He always talked about having that 'warrior spirit' and I asked him if girls could be soldiers and he hugged me and said: 'baby girl, you can be whatever you want'. My dad has always been supportive of my choices."

"But you don't think he would have supported you giving your baby up for adoption?"

She shrugged. "Eventually, I think he would, but both my parents would have told me how much they'd help and that they'd do what they could to take care of the baby and I worried that I'd cave and keep it and never really love it the way it deserved."

"And children deserve all the love they can get. So, if you felt you couldn't love that child the way it sounds like your father loves you then what do you think about your decision?"

Jasper nodded her head as though in confirmation. "I made the right decision for me."

"It's natural for you to mourn your child and to feel some guilt about that, but the more you remind yourself that you did what was best for you the closer you get to letting go and moving on. Grief is process and you've been through a lot of loss lately – your friends, your baby – it's not easy."

"No, it's not. I've never really lost anyone but whenever I've heard of someone dying, there's a funeral – there's that closure. I didn't really get that. I think there was a memorial on base but I was in the medic during that time. All the funerals were held stateside. My baby's funeral was Lacy holding me while I cried right after the procedure. No one but her and I knew it existed." Okay, she figured the people at the clinic did and her priest, but of people she cared about, only Lacy had been able to help her grieve.

"It's okay to cry, maybe talk to your parents and see if they could help you set up a small ceremony for your friends. If you don't want to tell them about the baby…"

"I can't," she interrupted. "They'd never forgive me."

"Perhaps reach out to Lacy and see if she can help you. It doesn't have to be much – you could release balloons. You could write a letter telling them what they meant to you and burn it. You could send flowers floating in a lake or river. Just something small and simple, once you feel you're ready, to say goodbye and let go."

Jasper took a breath, nodding as her hand slowly released around the stress ball. Letting go, she realized as her fingers relaxed, would feel good, but was she really ever going to be able to let go of the dream she couldn't even bring herself to talk about?

Amethyst

"I was supposed to eat junk food and watch Christmas specials with Peridot…" Amethyst moaned as her mom put a blanket over her.

"You haven't been able to keep anything down for two days. How are you going to enjoy your popcorn and candy and all the other stuff you shouldn't be eating?"

"I'll manage…"

"Besides, Peridot is such a tiny thing – you don't want to get her sick too." Penina felt her daughter's forehead. "In fact I'm beginning to wonder if I should call Jasper and tell her not to come tomorrow."

"But she missed last Christmas and she's home now." Amethyst coughed and shivered.

"Yes, but I doubt she wants to get sick. I have no idea if she got her flu shot. I'm required to because of my job, but I never thought to make you and your dad get one."

Amethyst had gotten sick first and just this morning had heard the ungodly sounds of her dad retching in the bathroom. Not that she was any stranger to throwing up, but at least she controlled when she did it. Now she never knew and she couldn't even keep water down. Her mom had given her two pills earlier to try and reduce her fever, but she'd quickly puked those up too. "I'd feel much better in my own bed."

"And I feel better when I can keep an eye on you. Besides, you can watch TV here." Penina clicked the TV on and turned it to a cartoon show.

Amethyst grabbed the remote and flipped through the channels, pausing at a familiar talk show only to see they were reading paternity tests. She scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Of course he's not the father…" Finally, she settled on old reruns of a sitcom. It hadn't ever been her favorite show, but it was background noise to doze off to.

She was briefly awakened when the doorbell rang and heard her mom telling Peridot she didn't want her getting sick and "well, she can't keep anything down, but I'll be sure she gets it."

"What did she bring me?" Amethyst asked weakly as she heard her mom put something in the fridge.

"Potato soup."

"The creamy kind?" Peridot's mom made the most amazing creamy potato soup that just warmed a person up from inside and made them feel better no matter the problem.

"Yep. She said her mom and Pearl made it."

"Yum." Not that she could keep it down. Her stomach churned and groaned uncomfortably.

"You want to try some ginger ale and crackers?"

Amethyst shook her head before dozing off again. Her mother woke her up later to try and get her to drink a little water. It stayed down for only a moment before she retched into a basin. "I feel like crap."

"I'm worried you might be dehydrated." Penina felt her forehead and stuck a thermometer under her tongue without warning. It beeped and her mom's face reflected concern. "If you're not better in the morning, I'm taking you to the hospital."

"Mom, that's a little much. I just need rest."

"You also need water and medicine to help this fever and you puke up anything I give you. They may need to give you IV fluids and maybe some nutrients."

"I hate needles."

"I don't think anyone likes them, but sometimes they're necessary. For instance, you're getting a flu shot next year." Penina pulled the blanket up more and smoothed her hair. "I talked to Jasper. She's coming tomorrow but we felt it better if Matt didn't. You probably don't want him seeing you like this."

Amethyst shook his head. "You think Jasper's gonna marry him?"

Her mother smiled. "I hope so. She told me about Lacy's wedding and I just thought, you know, in a year or so that could be Jasper. I only hope she's not pregnant at her wedding, though."

She tried to imagine her sister in a wedding dress, but really couldn't. She could see Jasper wearing her dress uniform or perhaps a white suit. She drifted off to sleep and dreamt about being a bridesmaid, but on the day of the wedding Jasper's front teeth fell out and they were trying desperately to super glue them back in. Then for some reason she was marrying Tani and when the priest asked if she took him as her husband, Jasper said: "Are you fucking crazy?" She dropped her bouquet and left Tani crying at the altar then the dream skipped to her and Amethyst eating tacos. With each taco, Amethyst felt her body bloating larger and larger until her clothes had ripped and she was a naked blob still munching away.

She awoke with a start. It was dark and quiet…late at night, she suspected. Her stomach seemed to have settled down a bit, but it could just be a trick to get her to eat something and then projectile vomit all over the wall. Her sore throat was dry and she coughed uncomfortably. Clicking the light on, she took a tiny sip of water and waited. Then she took a mouthful. Nothing. Her stomach churned, but didn't rebel. Amethyst drank half the glass, relieved to finally be able to keep something – anything – down.

Amethyst slept again, only to wake up soaking wet and wiped sweat from her forehead. Feeling slightly stronger, she picked up the glass and shuffled into the kitchen where her mom was sliding a pie into the oven. "Hey, Mom."

"Amethyst, how are you feeling?" Penina was in front of her in a second and placed a hand to her forehead. She sighed with relief. "Your fever broke – thank goodness."

"I need water and probably a shower."

"Jasper will be here soon to stay with you and Dad while I go to Mass."

"Okay." Amethyst downed two glasses of water and took a soothing shower. The steam helped her sinuses clear, though her throat was still scratchy. As she dried off after, she heard the front door open and close and the unmistakable sound of Jasper's voice. She quickly changed into a pair of pajamas and made her way downstairs.

Her mom set a small plate on the table. "I made you some toast and an egg. See if you can keep that down."

"Thanks, Mom. Merry Christmas, Jasps."

"Merry Christmas, Ames." Her sister hugged her briefly. "Not feeling very well?"

"I'm better than yesterday." Amethyst sat down.

"Okay, Jasper, remember to take out the pie when the timer beeps. It doesn't have long. The fire extinguisher is in the laundry room…just in case."

Jasper groaned after her mom left. "You set something on fire one time…"

Amethyst broke her egg with the fork and watched the yolk run over the white. She dipped the corner of her toast into it and took a small bite. "I had a dream last night where we were eating tacos."

"Yum."

"And you married Tani."

"Ew!"

"And your front teeth fell out."

"Creepy. Well, we can make the taco part happen when you feel better." The timer beeped and Jasper slid the pie out then back in. "It didn't look done – five more minutes."

"I kept getting bigger the more tacos I ate. I hate being fat."

Jasper sat back down. "You're doing a good job Ames. If you've hit a plateau, that's normal. Keep going for your goal, don't give up."

"Well, the past few days probably helped."

Jasper laughed. "Not the ideal way to lose weight, but they probably did."

Her father walked in, his hair was messy, but he smiled at both of them. "Ho, ho, ho." Fetuao plunked a headband with antlers attached onto Jasper's head. "Picked that up for you, Baby Girl."

"Festive and it's not nice to call your daughter a ho," she joked. "You look like you've felt better."

"Up until yesterday afternoon it was coming out both ends."

"Gross. You need anything?"

"I got it. Feeling better this morning. It hit Ames much harder." Fetuao grabbed a cup of Jell-o from the fridge. "Your mom's on me about getting the damn flu shot."

"It's not a bad idea."

"You girls want to play a game or something?"

"Uno!" Amethyst exclaimed.

"With or without the robot?" Jasper asked. When Amethyst said she wanted to play with the robot that spoke and mixed up the rules or made players switch cards, her sister got the game from the living room and set it up on the table.

Half an hour must've passed. Amethyst put her last blue card on the robot's head and pressed down. "Uno!"

"Nice play," the robot said in its prerecorded voice. "Amethyst trade cards with Fetuao."

Her jaw dropped. Her dad had at least twenty cards. "Boo…"

Her father switched cards with her then sniffed the air. "Is something burning?"

"Huh?" Jasper's eyes widened. "Shit!" She ran to the oven and slid the pie out, the top of it shades of black and dark brown. "Fuck!"

"It's okay, Baby Girl."

"No, Mom always makes apple pie for Christmas. I just ruined Christmas."

"I have an idea." Amethyst went to work, peeling back the top of the pie finding that the filling was cooked, but not burned. She scooped it into a dish then spread some granola and raisins on a pan, topping it with cinnamon and brown sugar before sliding it into the oven. By the time her mom returned from Mass, Amethyst had turned the disaster into something that resembled an apple crumble.

"I'm sorry, Mom," Jasper mumbled.

Penina gave an exasperated sigh. "I've offered to teach you to cook, but you just don't listen, do you? What would your husband say?"

Amethyst took a breath, deciding that a new scarf was not enough of a gift for her sister. At least today, Jasper didn't need her mom's judgment. "But, look, Jasper attempted to fix it. Try a bite. I'm sure it's good."

"Jasper fixed it?" Her mother asked with disbelief. She ate a small spoonful. "It…it's pretty good…actually…" She took another bite. "It's very good. Not tradition, but good. Maybe there's hope for you after all."

It was much later, after dinner when Jasper and Amethyst were alone and watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas that her sister brought it up. "You didn't take credit for dessert?"

"I couldn't. Consider it a Christmas present."

Jasper chuckled. "Thanks. It's definitely a good holiday when Mom isn't digging her claws into me."

"Right?! This is probably the first Christmas she hasn't said anything about how much I'm eating."

"Well, as good as you're doing, you deserve a cheat meal."

Amethyst smiled. Her sister knew the truth of what she was doing and that it worked. It was like a secret they shared. After years of being so different and with space between their ages being a factor, sharing a secret and smiling at each other, she finally knew what it was like to have a real relationship with her sister.