A.N: Hey guys!

Here come chapter 20, sorry I'm late but I really hope this chapter will satisfy you guys. Thanks to Stefanie for proofreading this chapter for me.

Please don't forget to review and tell me what you think I LOVE reading you.

Take care

Steffy

Chapter 20:

Coming home from Christmas in Turkey has been harder than I thought it was. It has been a total change, for once I was in peace most of the time,. New country, new people, new culture helped me to ease my mind. I almost didn't want to come back but I knew only too well the cost of running away from our responsibilities.

I had been happy to go away for a while, even more than I initially thought I would because, in a moment of weakness, I tried to get into Lissa's head when she was about to get to her first council meeting. I wanted to make sure she was alright, not too scared but I couldn't get in, she blocked me and it hurt me much more than I thought it would.

Was everything really over? Weren't we friends anymore? I thought and it broke my heart.

I came back two days before Tasha and it felt all weird to be back, staying in Christian's' room, roaming in this empty place full of pictures and memories.

I couldn't help but think about the song from Lifehouse 'Trying to find my way'

Honesty is a hard attribute to find When we all want to seem like we've got it all figured out I may be the first to say that I don't have a clue I don't have all the answers And god I pretend like I do just Trying to find my way Trying to find my way the best that I know how

Ironically enough, going further away helped me to set my priorities straight. I couldn't lie to myself anymore I needed my friends in my life but I needed to figure out what and who I really wanted before going back to them and if it was too late…maybe it was already too late.

What set me back on the 'right' path was one of the old stories I heard in Turkey. Abe introduced us to a very old lady that had been sort of a second mother to him. I learned that his parents, my grandparents, were involved in commerce and were rarely home. It was this old lady, his nanny that sort of raised him, he even called her mama Canan. She entertained my five days there with many counts and legends. Who would have thought that I would find that amusing?

However, it was on my last night there that she told me the story that was still disturbing me now.

Liam and I were sitting by the fireplace in a comfortable silence looking at the flames. Being together made me feel better. Canan came in and looked at me thoughtfully like if she was trying to read me. I was pretty sure she had a sixth sense of some sorts. She sat in the little armchair across from us.

"You know children, life is about choice making" she had said keeping her eyes on me.

"What do you mean?" Asked Liam truly confused but I knew she was talking to me.

"Sometimes pushing back the inevitable choices you have to make leads to cruel and dark outcomes." She settled more comfortably in her chair. "Let me tell you the story of Sabite, a young and beautiful young woman living in a small village in the mountain. In this time and age, most marriages were arranged but she was lucky to be promised to the bravest soldier named Berk, the man she actually loved. Just before getting married this young soldier had been called to become a part of a very rich and prestigious Prince's private guard. He was paid a great deal to stay there for a year. He promised Sabite to come back to her and that she ought to keep his heart safe as he was leaving it with her. After a couple of months, Berk's' mother was very sick and they all knew she wouldn't last long. Sabite knew that Berk would never forgive himself if he missed his mother's last moment so she left the village in the middle of the night in order to go to the Prince's' Castle. Once she made it there, her stunning beauty let her get in, it even got her in front of the prince that fell in love with her with just a look. He let Sabite inform Berk of the situation involving his mother. Prince Mehmed said, since he paid Berk in advance, he needed certitude of his return and he would keep Sabite as a guest in the castle waiting for him to come back. Berk was very hesitant to leave his promise unintended but Sabite, for no particular reason, trusted the young Prince and convinced Berk to go. Sabite spent the next 2 weeks with the prince and got a chance to get to know the real him. Without any intentions, Sabite started to fall in love with the young prince too and once Berk came back, Sabite was too confused, not knowing who she belonged with."

Why did this sound so familiar? I thought uncomfortable.

"What happened then?" asked Liam curiously.

"Well," Canan let out a weary sigh. "With Sabite going back and forth, the two men developed a burning hate for each other, they were trying to push her to make a choice. The Prince couldn't really do anything against Berk as he knew it was something that Sabite would never forgive. He also thought that the only thing that stopped Sabite from choosing him was that she considered that Berk was braver than him so he decided to take his army with him to join a raging war in a neighbouring territory thinking that, if he was making it back, the choice would be made for her."

"They came back?" I couldn't help but ask.

She shook her head negatively. "No, they both died on the battlefield."

"What about Sabite?" I asked knowing I wouldn't like the answer.

"She didn't survive the loss. Her guilt and broken heart took her over the edge, she apparently died of sadness."

Since that night that story had stayed anchored with me. I didn't want to be Sabite.

I was surprise when Liam had come trying to cheer me up. "You love them both don't you?" He had asked me.

I nodded with defeat, "In different ways but yes I do. I just don't know how to chose the one I love the most. I don't want to be Sabite."

"Why don't you choose the one you can't imagine your future life without?"

"That I can probably do" I said not really convinced.

"To every problem there is a solution, the only thing you need to remember is that time won't wait for you to decide."

Now that I was back, I was not sure of what I was supposed to do but I knew I didn't want things to stay that way. I thought I wanted to let go and I truly did but not this way, I needed to make things better.

Tasha came back two days later and I couldn't help but ask how things were going at the Court. Her answer 'they are going' intrigued me.

I had tried two or three times after I left to get into Lissa's head but she always stopped me. It has been months now since I last tried to get in her head maybe her guards wouldn't be that high and I could get in.

The next morning, before going with Tasha back to the Dojo to give Ryan his private lesson, I tried to get in her head as it was when I had more energy and I could try to force in if I had to.

As I closed my eyes and tried to get in, my heart started to beat frenetically with apprehension. What will I see? What if she didn't even think of me anymore? What if I saw Adrian with another girl?

I took a deep breath and gave her mind a little shake, it was blocked but I would feel the walls were not as high and strong as before. I pushed a bit harder and I was in. I could see she was in a classroom with an old man talking and pointing to his blackboard. I couldn't help but be disappointed to catch her there.

Lissa sighed looking around, that man bored her. She looked at Liam that was sitting beside her., He was playing with a pen and was looking beyond bored. She wanted to ask him if he had spent Christmas with me but thought better of it and turned around to look at Dimitri that was standing by the door. Seeing him here standing all stoic and professional took my breath away. He was looking straight away, face set, jaw locked. I knew it was terrible narcissistic but he looked just the same, like me leaving didn't have any impact on him.

As Lissa looked at him, an image of me popped in her head with a huge regret but it was gone almost as fast as it came in and I felt like being pulled back into my own head.

When I opened my eyes I found Tasha standing above me, worry all over her face.

"Jeez Rose I was getting really worried, I couldn't wake you up."

"I…" I blushed to have been caught spying on Lissa. "I was around" I said stupidly.

"You were ar-"- she stopped mid-sentence and I could see she got it. She sat on the bed and patted my leg. "You know I told you already that we all made bad decisions and sometimes the consequences are not so good but making mistakes is irrelevant here really, the most important thing is the way you deal with it and try to clean this mess up."

"I have choices to make" I said closing my eyes resting my forearm on them. "And I'm scared to choose wrong."

Tasha stayed silent for a second. "All I know is that running away or avoiding situations is never the answer. Reality and life will find you, wherever you hide, whatever you do. Pushing the deadline won't make your choice easier or clearer. You just have to trust yourself in making those choices, decide who you are and who you want to be and then go see her…them."

I lifted my forearm and met Tasha's icy blue eyes. "What if I chose wrong?"

Tasha gave me a nice sympathetic smile "You won't know until you make your choice." She sighed. "That's what life is all about…Choices." She stood up. "Come on let's get ready, you know Ryan will get mad if you make him wait."

"I know" I said rolling my eyes.

That same day I wrote a nameless letter and put it in a blank envelope, I would write the address and send it as soon as I would be sure of what I wanted.

The private classes with Ryan were actually pretty decent even if I hated to admit that out loud. He was a douche most of the time but he could make me laugh too and helped me to get my mind off of things and these days it was very good to take. It made my months of self banishment more bearable. Springtime came before I even realized.

"I heard your birthday is coming soon" he said one day during our lesson.

"Concentrate" I replied tightening my ponytail. "Your attack is still a bit stiff" I took a fighting stance. "Come on, attack me from the left."

He stayed leaning against the wall, like his cocky self. "Why don't we talk for a while?"

"I'm not here to talk. I'm here to train you to be efficient." I said realizing how much I sounded like Dimitri and it pained me.

"Efficient?" He asked confused. "We've been training for months and I don't know anything about you."

"You don't need to know anything about me" I replied losing patience.

"We could try to be friends" he tried finally moving from his spot walking lazily to the mat.

I couldn't help my sarcastic snort. "Right! What you want is get into my pants and you can't understand is that I'm not interested. Plus I don't need friends."

He shook his head. "Everybody needs friends and I might be able to understand that you are insane enough not to want me but I still wonder who hurt you so badly."

I sighed heavily to show my exasperation. "I didn't get hurt, maybe I'm the one who hurt people."

"Rose I-"

"Let's stop here okay? Do you want to train today or not ? If you don't, I'm wasting my time."

"Oh Rosalita of course I want to train," he grinned "I'm a big fan of full-contact sports."

I felt a stabbing pain right in the center of my chest at these words. I was back on the dock at the lodge cabin when Adrian had said those exact words to me but at the same time it made me smile to think of him…sort of a bittersweet moment.

"Rose?" He tried.

"Oh sorry, you just reminded me of someone."

"Damn it!" He said shaking his head.

"No! It was a compliment" I said raising my hand. "I swear for once it was."

"No I get that, it's just… now I understand why you keep refusing to even have a drink with me."

I looked at him confused.

"You are in love with someone."

"What? No I...No I don't love him."

Ryan gave me a humourless laugh. "Rose you might be the Jackie Chan, Chuck Norris of the fights but I have been an actor for more than 10 years, I'm a master at mimicking human feelings and believe me, what I just saw on your face was love and not the tiny kind of love, it was the all consuming love."

I stayed silent not really knowing what to say or how to say it.

"Come on Rose" he sighed, "it's not healthy to stay alone."

"I have plans already" I said and it was only half a lie. I was going out with Tasha for dinner and I was going to spend my morning at central Park which had become my spot in the last few months. Adrian had been right; this spot was very nice, he really had an artist eye, spotting spectacular places.

Tasha had asked me once why I was going to the same exact spot every day, I simply replied because it was pretty.

"You have plans?" asked Ryan disbelieving.

I nodded. "Yes I do, come on" I gestured him forward again." We only have twenty minutes left in this hour, let's' fight."

We finished the training session without approaching personal subject again. I knew I was intriguing him but I didn't want to let him get closer to me than he needed to be, I had suffered enough and I really didn't want to have any more friends or attachments.

I managed to avoid any other personal talk by joining Tasha in her classroom as soon as we were done.

"How are things going with the superstar?" Asked Tasha jerking her head towards the room I just left.

"He is still alive" I replied with a wide grin.

"I guess it's more than I expected."

I chuckled "No really he's doing fine. Deep, DEEP down he is pretty decent."

She wrapped her arm around my shoulders. "So tomorrow the big 19?"

"Yeah…"

"Still up for dinner?"

"Only the two of us right? I'm really not in the mood for something more, even if I like the people here I really can't deal with any kind of party."

"Sure Rose, just you and I." she nudged me slightly. "Even if I think it's a shame not to celebrate. You are young only once you know."

"Tasha…" I trailed off with a warning.

She smiled. "I told you, we will do it your way."

"Thanks, tomorrow morning I won't be here. You know I have some…stuff."

She sighed with resignation. "I know I said it before but I will say it again. Staying alone in your corner, lost in your thoughts, is not healthy."

"I know but…but I'm getting there. I promise."

Tasha looked at me her eyes full of curiosity but didn't comment.

That night, when I got home, I finally wrote the name and address of the receiver on the envelope and slide it in my jacket inside pocket promising myself to take my courage and post it tomorrow after my time in the park. Once that letter would be gone there will be no turning back, my decision would be made and my future path would be picked out.

The next day I left early, I was really not in the mood for the fake birthday cheer at least not yet. Seeing no emails from my friends except Eddie put me in a sour mood even if I shouldn't have expected more.

I stopped at Starbuck getting my usual Vanilla Latte and Biscotti, sat on my usual bench on my usual spot in Central Park saying hello to my usual runners.

Coming here every day for months was bound to have this effect.

I looked at the buildings reflecting in the pond, the sun was blinding today, it was a very nice springtime day.

"Happy birthday" I whispered to myself wondering if my friends would at least get a thought for me.

I closed my eyes trying to imagine how that day would be if I didn't mess everything up. Well this birthday was still better than the last one; I was not on my way to kill someone I cared about this time.

"Happy birthday Rose" I heard a deep voice say; a voice I knew only too well.

I smiled keeping my eyes closed, my imagination worked wonders now it was like I was not alone.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and my smiled vanished. "Open your eyes Rose, Happy birthday."

I slowly opened my eyes and met his.

"You're really here." Was all I could say.