NaNoWriMo is coming up in just a few days - last year I finished Earning Her Stripes during that time. I'm hoping to do the same with this fic, though since each chapter is beta-ed, they may not all be released in November.

That being said, let's get some healing for Jasper - she deserves it, while Ames digs herself deeper into trouble.

Chapter 8 – Breaking Silence

April 2006

Jasper

Matt was more of a gentleman than any other guy she'd dated and she told Lacy this as she helped her set up the crib she'd gotten for her baby shower. "I mean, we've kissed, but he hasn't even tried to make a move. Everyone else I dated I banged within a month."

"Sounds like a keeper." Lacy took a screwdriver from Jasper.

"What if he's terrible at sex?"

"Or a virgin?"

Jasper laughed. "No, he talked about a couple of girls he's been with."

"Do you feel ready for that? How is your therapy going?"

"It's good – we're working on getting me more comfortable with expressing feelings."

"Ah yes, the whole 'I feel' stage. And you feel he's helping you through things?"

"Yeah, actually." She'd had fewer vivid dreams and when she woke from one, it wasn't so startling once she realized she was safe. "He recommended a comfort item like a stuffed animal that I can physically touch and know I'm safe. I feel a little silly about that though." She glanced at the instructions and passed the last piece to Lacy. "How many soldiers do you know with a teddy bear?"

"It doesn't have to be a teddy bear." Lacy held the piece in place and started attaching it. "It could be a pillow in your favorite color or a soft blanket."

Jasper picked up a quilt that had been laying on the rocking chair. It was sewn in various shades of blue and white. "Carlos' mom made this?"

"Yeah. Once the baby is born, she'll embroider his name and weight and his birth date – you know, all the details – on it. We've chosen the name Kyle. It means 'handsome'."

"What if he comes out ugly?"

Lacy gave her an incredulous look. "You think my child is going to come out ugly? Bitch, I was a model." She finished up and took the quilt from Jasper, draping it over the side of the crib. "Hey, Jasps, you're okay with all this baby stuff, right?"

"If I wasn't I wouldn't be here." She looked at Lacy's swollen belly. "It does make me think about how far along I'd be, but I'd probably also be a huge mess. I mean, you're getting ready for a child you want and will love. I'd be getting ready to probably give my child away."

"Have you talked to Derek about it?"

Jasper shrugged. "Some. I mostly focus on things that happened during the war. I know eventually I have to somehow let go of that baby, but I don't think I'm there yet."

"Do you think it would be too hard to be there when I have Kyle?"

"Me? What about Carlos?"

"Of course, he'll be there too, but I'd feel much better about it if I have another woman there – someone I know and trust. I guess most women have their moms, but that's not an option for me."

Jasper scoffed. "Even though my mom delivers babies day in and day out, I don't really want her anywhere near my coochie when my time comes."

"Oh no – only the doctor is going down there. I just want you and Carlos in the room for support or whatever I need that day." She placed a hand on her stomach. "I don't know why, but I'm scared. I know it's natural and they say you forget the pain once you hold your baby, but I think it's gonna hurt like hell and I've had my share of pain."

"True, but I mean, if you have to go to the hospital and be in a lot of pain, at least this time it's for something worth it."

Lacy looked down at her stomach, smiling sweetly as she ran her hands over it. She was glowing and beautiful and Jasper pushed down the jealousy and guilt rising in her. "Yeah, I'll be at the hospital for you."

She had to be there for her friend…no matter how much it killed her inside.

"I mean…I made a choice, right and most of the time, I'm okay with that – I know a baby right now, especially…well, it's not part of my plan and would fuck everything up for me. But there's still that part of me that thinks about the fact that it would be born next month and whether it would be a boy or girl and what name would I be choosing. I'm not lying when I say I'm happy for Lacy, but when I look at her…it just drives the point home that I still need to let go of what I did."

"Grief is a process. Just like coming to terms with the death of your friends, you need to mourn the loss of your baby and some days may be harder than others. No matter how many years pass or other children you have, regardless of how that loss came to be, it was loss. The important thing is to remind yourself why you made that decision and that it was best for you."

"I don't even know why I beat myself up about it. I didn't choose to get pregnant or have sex."

Derek stopped writing. "What do you mean by that?"

"What?"

"You didn't choose to have sex?"

Jasper's fingers clenched the stress ball as her heart pounded. Her stomach turned to ice and dropped as memories of that night flooded back. "I…he said…"

"This is a safe place, Jasper. No matter what someone said, you can tell me anything and it stays right here. If you keep it in, I can't help you."

"The father of my baby was my sergeant. He kept asking me to…and I kept saying no." She took a breath and let it out slowly, forcing back her tears. "So I finally said yes, but he didn't want to use protection…" Her face was suddenly on fire – a mix of anger and shame. "So, I said I wouldn't…and I woke up…and he was…well, he had sex with me."

Silenced filled the room for a moment. "This is significant, Jasper. When did this happen?"

"August."

"And you've held it in since then?"

"I told Lacy, that was it. He said if I reported it there would be consequences." She swiped at the tears trying to escape. "I just…women in the military get kicked out for squealing…he knows that. He knows that this career is important to me and it's all I've ever known or wanted. I don't want to report it – God, no – but I do want to forget it happened."

"I can tell you that you're never going to forget. Any traumatic event is going to stay in your mind likely forever. Just like the trauma you experienced in war, forgetting won't happen. However, you can move on…you can recover, but you have to do the work. You have to trust me and talk to me and let me help you. Can you do that?"

"I…I don't…"

"When you're in battle, you have to face your enemy, right? You have to challenge and overcome every obstacle in the way? This is just like that – this is battle – and you have to tackle it head on to get through it and once you do, you'll be able to go on and fight through whatever might come after. You'll come through stronger – guaranteed."

"I'd like that…but…it's just…"

"You can do it, Jasper. You don't have to talk about it anymore today, but before we meet again I want you to write down exactly what happened that night, how you felt when it happened and how you feel now. This gives you a week to do that. Have you been keeping up on your journaling?"

"Yeah."

"Do you think you can write this out for me?"

"I…yeah, I guess I can do that." Jasper wanted her heart to stop pounding. What was he going to think of her if he knew the whole truth? What would he say when he realized it was her fault?

"So they do this fair every year?" Matt asked as they walked through the vendors and booths. The joyful screams of people on rides filled the air.

"Yeah, it's not as big as the one in the fall, but it's a nice distraction. Lacy wants me to get her some fair scones."

"And that's like a biscuit with jam, right?"

"Okay, it is not just a biscuit with jam." Jasper laughed. "It's a fucking fair scone and it's delicious."

"What's a corn dog?"

"Hot dog covered with cornbread and deep fried. You don't want that. There is a place here that sells roasted corn on the cob and the biggest turkey leg you've ever seen in your life. That's what you want – trust me. And afterwards, there's a barn area with the creamiest, most amazing ice cream – probably made from fresh milk and given an angel's blessing. Of course, if we're doing rides, we're going to want to do that first."

"Okay, so I've never been on anything like these rides. Can we start with something simple?"

"Um, yeah, the ferris wheel is pretty tame."

"What's your favorite?"

"The roller coaster." She pointed to it as it crested the hill and clattered down, the occupants screaming in delight.

"I like the wheel idea first."

"Step right up!" A man yelled from a game booth. "You sir – win the pretty lady a prize!"

Matt led Jasper over to the booth and surveyed the prizes. "Anything catch your eye?"

"They're all stuffed animals."

"At least it's a shooting game."

"The games are rigged, Matt."

"I take offense to that," the carnie said. "Tell you what – you hunt – this is an easy game. All you gotta do is knock out as many of those ducks as you can. Knock out three you get a small prize, seven gets you a medium and ten gets you a large prize."

"You're on." Matt plunked some money down.

Jasper laughed. "Let's hope you're better at this than bowling."

Matt picked up the rifle they handed him, which Jasper guessed maybe shot out BBs at the most, and aimed for the plastic ducks that swam by on fake water. He missed the first one, but must've quickly realized how the game was set up and what was off with the gun because the rest of them went down easily and he ended with eleven points.

"Good job, sir – what will it be?"

"That stuffed tiger up there." He accepted the animal from the man and handed it to Jasper.

"What am I going to do with this?" She laughed, but part of her found it sweet. It was at least a foot long and stuffed very fat.

"Isn't the proper response 'thank you'?"

"Thanks."

"It reminded me of you…you in your orange tank top with your stripes and your wild spirit."

Jasper smiled and stroked the tiger's ear. "Well, he is kinda cute."

"So, it's a 'he'. What's his name?"

"I don't know. I've never had to name a tiger before."

The sky turned gray later on in the afternoon and they cut the day short, picking up a dozen scones and heading back to base. Jasper stood with her hand on the door to her room. "You want to come in?"

"Sure." He followed her inside and looked around. "It looks a lot like my room."

"Shocker, I know." Jasper plunked the tiger on the bed next to her pillow and set the scones on the desk.

Matt picked up the journal from next to the paper bag she'd placed down. "Is this your diary of secrets?"

"Yeah, read it and I'll kill you." She grabbed it from him and put it in a drawer.

"Anything about me in there?"

"Maybe…all good, of course." Jasper wasn't concerned about any of the entries regarding him, however. She was more concerned about the most recent entries regarding Sergeant McCoy. What would Matt think if he knew what had happened?

Right now, though, he was holding her close, rubbing her back lovingly. "I had a great time today, Jasps."

"Me too." She slid her arms around him. "Thank you for the tiger."

He laughed a little. "Think of any names yet?"

"I dunno…Stripes?"

"Boring. How about a Samoan name?"

"Yeah, I don't know the word for 'tiger'."

"There isn't one. The closest is pusi – cat."

"That word is too close to an English one that's not always polite. Besides, every time my mom tells a story, the names always sound like they have twenty letters."

"So, your mom tells you stories. You know Sina and the Eel?"

Jasper nodded. "Yep."

"My mom's name is Sina." He sat on the bed with her. "Your parents wanted a more American approach, I guess."

"Our middle names are Samoan, but yeah, they wanted us to fit in."

"What is it?"

"What?"

"Your middle name?"

"Nafanua."

Matt moved some hair away from her eyes, tucking it behind her ear. "The warrior goddess – fitting."

He'd called her a warrior multiple times. Warriors didn't have things like the dream happen to them. Would he change his mind if he knew how weak she'd been? "My mom hasn't told me that story."

"What? Oh, you should ask her – it's a good one. Nafanua was a remarkable woman – like yourself."

"You really think I'm remarkable?"

"Of course I do. Most women who join the army don't choose to go into the infantry. I mean, I've seen how strong you are – commanding…you just take initiative even in training exercises. You have the makings of a leader. When are you up for sergeant?"

"I can apply later this year, but I probably won't get it."

"Why would you think that?"

"Um, because it would be my first time applying and I'd probably do well on the test, but my smart mouth will botch the interview. I'm a woman…"

"They can't deny you a promotion because of your sex."

"Yeah, well, from what I've seen it seems to take women a little longer to move up the ranks."

"Why do you think that is? I mean, you're as fit as any man. You're just as smart."

Jasper gave an affirmative nod. "I can also have babies. If I become a sergeant and I also decide one day to be a mother, I'll need to have a modified routine and obviously I can't be deployed during a pregnancy. I would need to take several weeks after having the baby and if I had one I might want another." She took a breath and let it out as a sigh. "I know a lot of women leave the military when they become mothers. I signed on to have a full career. I don't plan to just leave."

"Do you plan to have kids?" Matt took her hand and squeezed. "I know you lost one…I also know it wasn't planned, but I wonder if you would want to have some that are."

"Maybe." She recalled the turmoil in her mind when she was faced with the pregnancy. She also remembered saying numerous times that if it had happened any other way she would have kept the baby. "Yeah…yeah, I want kids someday."

"So do I."

She laughed lightly. "Are you proposing?"

"No, but if I'm honest, I don't date just to mess around. I date to find someone to spend my life with. I mean, I'm not getting any younger."

"I guess I'm not either." Jasper had always resisted society's push to be a wife and mother. She always thought she had time for all those things later. However, sitting next to Matt with his arm around her as he leaned in for a kiss, it felt right and she had to consider that maybe love wasn't restricted to a timeline she set.

"Were you able to get your trauma narrative written?" Derek asked as he sat across from Jasper at their next session.

Her hands shook as she pulled the pages from her purse that she'd ripped from her journal and held them out. "Yeah…it took the better of a week."

"Good. I'd like you to read it."

"Me?"

"As I said, you need to face your trauma just like you face an enemy in battle." He handed her a box of tissues. "It's okay to take your time and it's okay to cry, but you need to be the one to tell me your story."

Jasper's heart pounded and she felt heat rise to her face. "I've only told Lacy about this and I wrote in way more detail. Did you mean what you said about not being judgmental?"

"I did."

"Okay." It took her close to forty minutes to get through telling him about it haltingly and wiping away her tears as the feelings of that night flooded back. She could feel him on her and hear his voice in her ear. Chills ran up her spine as she described how he'd touched her…violated her. Her throat hurt from trying to hold back the sobs that threatened to escape. "I…I just wanted him to stop and…and I couldn't tell him that. I just couldn't do anything. I just lay there…and let him do it."

"I'm sure you've heard of 'fight or flight' – that instinct in your brain that tells you to either defend yourself or run away." When she nodded, he continued. "Most people haven't heard of 'freeze' – sometimes in a split second your brain decides that fighting or fleeing are both too risky that's what your mind tells your body to do – to just freeze. It's a natural reaction and there's nothing wrong with that."

"You know, I've never been afraid of men. Even if they hoot and holler at me, I usually give them some sarcastic answer and they shut up. No one ever tried to touch me or hurt me until he did. Men, more or less, respected me. And then…he just…"

"So, the other men you were with respected you." Derek shifted in his chair and made a note. "Did you ever tell the other men 'no' when they asked for sex?"

Jasper nodded. "Yeah, I mean, obviously there was one week of the month where I wasn't going to do it – we called that week 'code red'." She shrugged. "But sometimes I just didn't want to and they were okay with that and we didn't have sex."

"And the moment Sergeant McCoy disrespected your right to say no, it was no longer sex. Can you tell me what it was?"

She shook her head. She couldn't say that word. "That makes it too real. That can't have happened to me."

"It was real."

"No – I would never let that happen! I would have kicked his ass; I should have kicked his ass! I'd never just lay there and…and just let him…I didn't even fight."

"I'm sure you're very good when it comes to fighting, but so is he, I'm assuming. You were scared and that's okay. What wasn't okay was that he didn't respect you or your right to say no."

Fresh tears clouded her vision. "I fucking deserved it! He said I did! I was a fucking slut and I was dishing it out to a bunch of other guys on a silver platter, so why not him? He had every right to just take what he wanted!"

"No matter what justification he gave for his actions, you are not to blame for what HE did. And what he did was not sex. Sex is consensual; this was not."

"That can't have happened to me. I'm supposed to be strong. Things like this don't happen to strong people."

"They do, Jasper," he said gently, but firmly. "Something like this doesn't mean you're weak. It means you're a person who had something terrible happen to them and that terrible thing was not your fault. And in order to face this, you need to stop using euphemisms and call it what it is."

She took a deep, shuddering breath. "I…I haven't even admitted to myself. How can I…how can I even say it?"

"You can – you just said you're strong. So, be strong – give this crime a name and then start to heal from it – rise above and move on. That will be your revenge…to show him this didn't destroy you. Now, if it wasn't consensual sex, what was it?"

Jasper sniffled and pulled a few tissues from the box, blowing her nose and soaking up her tears. Once she said this, it became real. There was no going back to calling it a dream or pretending it never happened. Once she said these words, she became a victim forever, but she couldn't keep dodging it. Beyond the fear and shame was her desire to do exactly as Derek had said – rise above and move on. Her voice escaped hardly above a whisper. "He raped me."

"A little louder if you would, so I can hear you."

God, was it his job to make this difficult? Jasper straightened herself on the couch and took another breath, her voice coming out slightly stronger than before. "Sergeant McCoy raped me."

And once she said it, she felt like a weight had been lifted from her chest.

Amethyst

"I'm going to the dance alone again…" Amethyst lamented as she and Peridot surveyed the clothes in the thrift store. "Plus my mom is all like 'why don't you wear the dress you wore to homecoming'? Because I've lost like thirty pounds – the dress only fits in my boobs but looks like a potato sack everywhere else."

"Mom tried to give me an old dress of Pearl's, but she's around six inches taller than me, so all her dresses were too long." Peridot pulled a suit jacket off the rack. "I wonder if I could wear pants…"

Amethyst plucked a yellow sundress from the selections. It had large yellow flowers sewn on the base of it. "How about this?"

"Ew…it's ugly. Plus, yellow washes me out."

"Yeah, it looks better on people with darker hair."

"And darker skin. Pinks and yellows tend not to look so good on people whose skin is as white as those wedding dresses over there."

Amethyst placed it back on the rack. "Well, it's too small for me. I wonder when I'll lose weight in my boobs. I figure I'll ask the doctor when Mom takes me next week."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just a checkup." Amethyst glanced over as an employee put a bunch of dresses on the rack. She looked through them and pulled out one that was purple – the chiffon fabric draped over the chest area and it was long enough that it would probably cover her knees. She wasn't sure it would fit, but she would try it on anyway. "What tags are on sale today?"

"All blue tags are two dollars." The employee smiled at her and walked off.

Amethyst checked the tag – damn, it was a black one, meaning this was one of the more expensive options. She didn't come to a thrift store to spend twenty-five bucks on a dress. She located a dress with a blue tag that she knew wouldn't fit. In time she and Peridot and chose a few more dresses and went into separate dressing rooms. Amethyst tried on the sleeveless purple dress first and knew she'd found the one. It hugged her curves, making her breasts look full with just enough cleavage showing to be sexy but not slutty. 'Girls your age don't need to be sexy,' she could hear her mom say. But she was sixteen now – more woman than girl and she wanted her clothes to reflect that.

But twenty five dollars was about all she had. Once she took the dress off, she carefully removed the tag from the plastic bit holding it to the dress and switched it with the blue one from the dress she never planned to try on. She exited the dressing room and saw Peridot had chosen a mint green dress that would look great with her blonde hair. "Let's go look at jewelry."

The jewelry counter was nearly deserted as they poked through the displays of necklaces. She found a purple beaded necklace with a teardrop piece of amethyst in the center of it. It was marked at ten dollars, which caused her to roll her eyes. She looked around then knocked the display over, making it look accidental. "Oops!"

Peridot came to help and Amethyst started putting everything on the display, slyly concealing the necklace in her hand, holding it a moment, placing a few more pieces of jewelry on the holder before sliding the necklace into her shoe. An employee came over and helped them put everything back on the display and place it on the counter. Amethyst gave her as sheepish a grin as she could muster. "Sorry about that."

The salesgirl sighed as though it happened all the time. "No problem."

After they'd purchased their items, they headed over to the mall to their favorite burger place, ordering shakes and fries. Over in the corner, she noticed Seth and his friends were there. Her crush on him had definitely waned since Halloween. However, his comments on her weight had stopped lately. She dipped a fry in her milkshake and ate it.

"Hey, Ames…how did you get that dress for two dollars?" Peridot asked.

"Heh…found my own way to discount." She noticed her friend's confused expression. "You know it's pretty easy to switch the tags. I find something I like and if it's not on sale, I switch it with a tag color that is."

"Ames, that's stealing!" Peridot hissed.

"Okay, but it's a thrift store and the way I see it, they're robbing me by charging twenty five dollars for a dress that was donated to them. Like, the person who owned the dress could have just given it to me, you know."

"I still don't think it's right."

"So, what the hell – you gonna rat on me or something?"

Peridot's cheeks blushed pink with embarrassment. "I…just don't think you should do it again." Her voice dropped more. "And you don't need to get snippy."

"I'm not trying to be snippy, I'm just tired. Sorry." Amethyst sucked back her milkshake and moved her foot against the necklace still in her shoe. She knew it wasn't about the dress or the necklace. She could have put them on hold and had her mom come with her to buy them later. It was about control…control over how much she did or didn't spend…like the control she'd feel later when she went to the bathroom to get rid of the food she'd just eaten.

"She's been tired lately, but otherwise, I think she's fine," Amethyst's mom told the doctor at her appointment.

Amethyst rolled her eyes. "Yeah, 'cause I have to get up at six in the morning to go to school. Why can't school start at a decent hour, like…noon?"

Dr. Shaw looked at her chart. "Looks like you've dropped some weight since I saw you last – eating better, exercising?"

She laughed. "Heh, yeah right – I don't exercise outside of P.E. but, yeah, I've been eating less. I switched to diet soda."

"It's better than regular, but soda isn't good for you, I'm sure you know. If you're trying to lose weight, exercise wouldn't be a bad idea. It doesn't have to be strenuous, even walking a few times a week can help," the doctor explained.

"The only place I'm not losing it is in my boobs," Amethyst complained.

Her doctor chuckled. "Well, breasts are mostly mammary tissue, not fat. You may lose some, but probably not a lot. When you're a little older, we can discuss a surgical approach, but not until you've finished growing." She felt the glands in Amethyst's neck and looked in her mouth. "How much soda are you drinking?"

She shrugged. "Like…five or six cans a day."

"Amethyst!" Penina snapped.

"Soda is very acidic – even diet – and it looks like it's causing some changes to the enamel on your teeth. I'd definitely recommend cutting down." Dr. Shaw looked over at Penina. "I'd like to ask Amethyst a few questions privately."

This had been routine ever since a few years ago when Amethyst had become a teenager. As soon as the door closed, she looked at the doctor. "I'm not having sex and I'm not doing drugs."

"I believe you. In addition to what I noticed on your teeth, your throat appears irritated and the glands by your jaw are a little swollen. Usually when that happens it's from repeated vomiting, so I have to ask if you've been sick lately or if maybe you're making yourself throw up."

This bitch. Well, Amethyst wasn't done losing weight and she wasn't about to have control over what she ate wrestled from her. The doctor would no doubt tell her mom and her mom would make her stop. "I had the flu in December."

"That was almost four months ago – this would have resolved by now."

"Can anything else cause it?"

"It could be a simple virus or a by-product of mouth breathing, but usually all these things combined with the weight you've lost point to a more serious problem…especially in teenage girls."

"I drool when I sleep." Amethyst shrugged. "So I'm probably doing that."

Dr. Shaw nodded. "It could be, but if there's anything you ever want to talk about or need help with, you can always contact me."

"Yeah, okay." Why was it all of a sudden a problem? Jasper had been doing it, maybe for years and she was fine. Amethyst would be okay too, wouldn't she?

She looked up at the doctor briefly as if to ask: wouldn't she?

Music resounded through the gym as Amethyst entered the dance with Peridot. She walked confidently, feeling tall in her three inch heels and sexy in her new dress. She'd done her eye makeup to have a smoky effect and put on fake lashes, which took several tries but looked amazing. Her mom had insisted she wear a shawl over her dress, but as soon as Amethyst walked through the double doors, it came off and she threw it over a chair at one of the tables. She looked at her friend – geez, Peridot looked like a little kid in her demure green dress and no makeup. Her mom had attempted to curl her hair, but it was already coming undone. "You dancing?"

Peridot shook her head, causing her hair to straighten out more and start defying gravity. "I think I'll just sit it out for now."

"Okay, well, I'm gonna have fun." Amethyst shuffled onto the dance floor and found two twins from her math class she sometimes chatted with. "Hey, Kiki, Jenny – you both look good."

"Hey, girl – you look fabulous!" Jenny smiled at her. "Did you get that dress from that bridal shop in the mall?"

"Well, I…yeah." Amethyst smoothed down the front of the dress. "It was expensive."

"Definitely worth it. You want to come by the pizza place later with us? We're all going as a group," Kiki told her. "Peridot can come too."

"Sounds great. I'll have to…" Don't say 'ask my parents', she told herself. You're not a baby. "I'll have to save my appetite then."

"For sure – can you believe they charge like a dollar for a pack of crackers?" Jenny shook her head. "I thought high school dances would have free, decent food."

"I've heard they only do free food at prom," Kiki said. "And even then it's like pretzels, nothing fancy."

"I can't wait for prom – and senior year," Amethyst told them loudly over the music. "It's going to be so much fun!" She bent her knees and gyrated her butt to the rhythm. Dancing gave her some freedom – an escape from her otherwise mundane life. The motion and music took her away from her mom's condescending voice and the pressures of school. After hours of dancing when the lights came on, she didn't want to stop having fun. "We still doing pizza, girls?"

"Yeah, definitely. You comin' too, Per?" Kiki asked.

Peridot shuffled her feet nervously. "My mom's coming to pick us up…Amethyst too."

Amethyst shrugged. "Just tell her I went with the twins – tell my parents too – and let them know I'll be home when I'm home."

"Your mom is going to be pissed."

"She'll get over it. See you Monday." Maybe Peridot had a compulsive need to be a good girl, but Amethyst was willing to live her life. She left with the twins and got into their car. It was an old clunker, but she was still in awe that they had their own car.

As they drove the few miles to Fish Stew Pizza, Amethyst reflected on how this time next year she'd probably have a license…maybe even a car. She unbuckled her belt as they rolled into the parking lot and she noticed it was pretty full. An old, blue car with a bumper sticker that said 'I know, officer, license and registration' and a window decal of a dumbbell stood out to her. Of course, when she was all made up and looking so fly, her perfect sister was going to be in the same restaurant.

Thankfully, the place was big enough that she wasn't even sure where Jasper was, but guessed probably in the bar area where music mixed with talking and laughter escaped from the entrance. The clattering of billiard balls followed along with the ping of a pinball machine.

Kofi came to take their order. "This is the last time both of you get the night off at the same time. We got slammed with a huge party of soldiers celebrating a birthday."

"Thanks, Dad," Kiki said sweetly. She ordered a large pizza and a pitcher of soda for all of them. "So, Ames, you ready for our test on Monday?"

"God, no. I'm barely passing. Like when am I ever going to use geometry?"

"You said it, girl. My counselor is like: 'what are you doing after high school'? Right now, I'm just focused on my band," Jenny told her. "Maybe we'll get famous some day."

Kiki poured herself a glass of soda when it came. "I'm hoping for a track scholarship. Have you ever considered sports, Ames?"

Amethyst laughed and shook her head. "Yeah, right. If I run my boobs will bounce up and knock me out." This caused a round of laughter from her friends. "But seriously, I don't think there's a sports bra made that can hold these when I run."

They ate the first pizza and then ordered a second one to munch on. "So, how do you girls stay so skinny working in a pizza place?" Amethyst asked.

"You get sick of pizza," Kiki told her with a giggle. "But, as I said, I like running."

There was a commotion from across the restaurant – yelling and the sound of a body hitting the floor. "You touch her again, I'll put your lights out!"

Amethyst turned her head and saw a man pull himself up off the floor. "You'll pay for that!" he spat back.

Matt came from the entrance. "I think you'd better leave, now."

She quickly turned back around as Kiki and Jenny's grandmother told both men to get out and stop causing trouble. The sound of the bell over the door ringing indicated they'd left. The next thing she heard was the sound of boots hurriedly following.

"Hey, Tiger, you okay?"

"Yeah, fine," Jasper's voice snapped.

"Are you mad at McCoy or Matua?"

"Right now – both. See you later, Moritz." There was a whisper of fabric – likely from her jacket and then the bell rang again and the door shut.

Amethyst glanced out the window to see her sister yelling at her boyfriend. Oh no, were they breaking up? Matt put a hand to her shoulder only for her to pull away and yell again. To her surprise, he reached for her and hugged her, Jasper's face to his shoulder and she shook. Holy shit…was she…she was…her sister was actually crying. Matt turned, putting an arm around her and they walked off toward the car.

"Wow, what was that about?" Jenny asked.

Nanefua came over with a fresh pitcher of soda. "I don't know, but they don't need to start that in my restaurant."

"Thanks, Gunga," the twins said in unison.

Amethyst thanked her too and poured another glass, finishing it and two more slices of pizza before she excused herself to go to the bathroom. After forcing the food out of her, she looked in the toilet and concern crossed her mind as she saw something red floating on top. Then she calmed herself by remembering that she just ate pizza. She flushed the toilet. It was tomato sauce, of course. She rinsed her mouth out and looked in the mirror, poking under her jaw where the doctor had felt her glands. She frowned at her round face then pinched the fat still on her stomach.

'You have a long way to go,' her mom's voice echoed in her head.

Her mind conjured up an image of Jasper in her perfectly fitted jeans and red top. Unfortunately, her mom was right…she had a long way to go if she ever wanted to be like her sister.

Jasper

"You look so different out of uniform," Nancy Carter said when she saw Jasper at the restaurant. She dropped her voice. "No wonder Matua took notice. He's quite a catch, huh?"

Jasper took a sip of her beer. "Yeah, I uh…I had to take him off the market before every other Samoan girl looked his way."

"It's not just the Samoans who are looking, honey." The two shared a laugh before Nancy continued. "Does he have brothers?"

"Two – and one sister. They're all older, all married."

"You think you'll be the lucky one to marry him?"

"We're just dating now – nothing serious. Just having fun." He had asked her if she wanted children though. That wasn't a topic she'd discussed with anyone else she'd dated. She looked up at him and smiled when he winked at her. "But we're doing good."

"That's good," Carter said. "You know, you seemed really distracted when you came back. I'm glad you're doing better."

"Yeah." Her eyes flickered toward the entrance as Sergeant McCoy came in with a few other men and greeted some of the soldiers. His eyes caught hers and he gave her a smug look as he scanned her body. Her heart pounded and she took some deep breaths trying to calm her stomach as she remembered how he'd touched her. She may have been able to admit what he'd done, but actually moving on was going to take much longer.

Matt came up alongside her, unfolding a menu. "What's good here? Some of these look…interesting."

Jasper was thankful for his presence – a welcome distraction from the dark thoughts in her mind. "The salty orchard."

"They put apples on pizza?"

"Don't knock it till you try it."

"And honey?"

"And prosciutto – I know you like pork, so tell you what: if you don't like it then you get to choose the next place we go to eat."

Matt laughed. "I didn't choose this. It's Grant's birthday; he got to pick. I'll trust you though – salty orchard it is."

She relaxed a bit as they sat in a booth with Carter and Moritz, chatting while they ate. Jasper had missed this place and she savored the piece of pizza, which was a harmonious medley of the saltiness of the prosciutto, the sweetness of honey, tart apple slices and earthy basil topping it off. "Good, right?"

"It's good – definitely different, though." Matt took another bite.

She noticed that Sergeant McCoy was sitting across the bar area, which helped her keep her eyes off him and focused on her boyfriend and her friends. Half a pizza and two beers later, she and Matt squared off at the pool table. "I'm not going easy on you."

"Oh, but I was pretty good at this when I lived in Germany."

They played a few rounds and had just started another when Jasper felt an unmistakable slap on her butt and knew who it was before she even looked. She slammed the cue on the table and turned to face her sergeant. "Do you mind?!"

"You stuck it out there, Tiger," his speech was slurred. "How am I supposed to resist that?"

"The same way I resist kicking you in the dick every time I see you!"

Another soldier took him by the arm. "C'mon, Sarge, just leave her alone. Sorry, Palamo, he had a lot of beer."

"That doesn't excuse it," Matt told him as he marched over. He stared down Sergeant McCoy. "You know we're dating and no one touches my girlfriend's ass, got it?"

"From what I remember, a lot of guys were touching her ass on deployment," her sergeant said.

"Yeah, well, now she's mine."

"Excuse me?" Jasper's anger rose at that statement. "I don't b…"

"Have fun with her – just get tested for everything. She's a slut."

Matt shoved him, hard, sending him sliding out of the bar entrance. "You touch her again, I'll put your lights out!"

Sergeant McCoy pulled himself up off the floor slowly. "You'll pay for that!" he spat back.

Matt marched out, his eyes burning with anger and his tone commanding. "I think you'd better leave, now."

An elderly lady came over and yelled at them. "Go away – get out! This is a family place, not that kind of bar!" She stayed as she watched both Matt and the sergeant walk out of the restaurant.

Jasper grabbed her purse, plopped some money on the table and shook her head after gulping down the rest of her beer. Then, she stalked out.

Moritz quickly followed. "Hey, Tiger, you okay?"

"Yeah, fine!"

"Are you mad at McCoy or Matua?"

"Right now – both. See you later, Moritz." She pulled her jacket on and stormed out into the parking lot. A car was pulling away, likely Sergeant McCoy and whoever he came with. "What the actual fuck?"

"You're mad at me?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, is that a problem since I'm yours? Like I belong to you?"

"I didn't mean it like that, okay. I just…" he put a hand on her shoulder. "…I didn't like him treating you that way."

Jasper stepped back. "And I don't like being treated like property!"

"I'm sorry." He hugged her gently. "He's just a jerk."

He had touched her again even if slightly and thinking about it made chills run up her spine. Those thoughts and memories that usually stayed buried came hurtling forward to her consciousness. She clenched her teeth together trying to keep the tears at bay, but they took over her eyes anyway. "He really hurt me, Matt…" Jasper sniffled and started sobbing. "You don't even know…"

"Come on." He put his arm around her and guided her toward the car. "I'll drive, okay?"

Jasper nodded and handed him the keys after getting into the passenger seat. She stayed silent for several moments. Her therapist knew…and Lacy…and that was it. What would Matt think of her if he knew?

"I may already know the answer, but you want to tell me what he did?"

"First of all, he was right – I was acting like a slut. Men on deployment get horny and I made myself available to those guys – not all of them. I didn't sleep with married men and kept it to some close friends. Also, disregard his comment about diseases – I used a condom, every time."

Matt's mouth twisted up as though he didn't like hearing this, but he nodded. "Go on."

"Sergeant McCoy asked to sleep with me and I said no. So, that night he came in my room and…" Say it, she told herself. Admit it to someone else. You promised you wouldn't gloss over what it was.

"I think I know."

"He raped me."

Her boyfriend was silent for what seemed like a long time before he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Okay, I want to kill him."

"Get in line behind me."

"Wait, so when you were pregnant, that was…"

"Uh-huh."

Matt's hand gripped the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turned white. "Wow…I just…you probably weren't too sad when you miscarried."

Jasper wiped her tears away. Maybe she should fess up about that too, but telling him about the rape was probably enough news for tonight. She simply nodded.

"Did you report it?"

"Pffft, of course not and don't try to talk me into doing it because it's my word against his and won't lead to anything other than me becoming a pariah on base and facing the scorn of soldiers who are loyal to him and would call me out on being a slut."

"Well, if I'm honest, I'm disappointed to hear about that, but it doesn't seem like you're doing it now."

"No. I mean, we haven't even slept together."

"How would you feel about that? Sorry, that's really insensitive to ask about that after what you just told me…ignore that."

"It's fine. Yes, I would like to someday." Jasper took his hand when he offered it.

"I'll make it special for you." He squeezed her hand before turning the key and starting the car. "You're seeing someone for this, right?"

"Yeah, I'm in therapy. I don't necessarily want revenge. I mean if he were gored by a bull tomorrow I wouldn't be sad, but I just want to put it behind me and go on with my life. So, the counseling is helping me do that."

"You can always talk to me, too."

Jasper smiled at him. "Thanks." She wasn't sure she really would. Knowing the full story wouldn't help their relationship, but at least he knew why she hated Sergeant McCoy. "And in the interest of peace, on base, don't do or say anything to him. I don't want anyone to know about this. He knows what he did; I trust karma or the punishment of God or whatever will prevail and he'll get his eventually."

He nodded, keeping his eyes on the road. The drive back was silent as Jasper watched the rain patter against the windshield. What else was there to say? She'd spilled her darkest secret to her boyfriend and he was still with her. Even knowing that she'd willingly been with multiple men and it had lead to her being raped, he was still here.

No, she told herself. Stop it. McCoy is to blame, not me.

It still felt false. She could still see everything she'd done – no matter how small – that had caused him to attack her. Maybe it just took more time. She looked over at Matt as they pulled into the parking lot. He smiled gently at her and she gave a weak smile in return. Maybe it also took a support system and in that moment, she was glad he was a part of hers.