Well, I thought NaNoWriMo would give me a chance to really bang out so many chapters on this fic, but that didn't happen. It's been a little slow going, but I'm still churning out chapters. Hopefully I'll have plenty of time in December/January because I have surgery coming up - nothing serious, life improving actually, but I'll have six weeks off work while I'm at home recovering.

Chapter 10 - Warning Shots

May 2006

Amethyst

Amethyst had been relieved that her heart was not damaged.

"Just a little weak," the doctor had told her. "Once you start eating a balanced diet, it'll get stronger."

She'd seen a psychiatrist who said she didn't have to stay in the hospital, but could be treated as an outpatient. They'd diagnosed her with bulimia…of course, she knew that's what it was. She'd read articles about it in teen magazines. She'd known what she was doing wasn't good, but did it anyway. "I guess that was a dumb move," she told the psychiatrist. "I figured I'd do it for a little while, lose weight, but not get sucked in."

"It's easy to get sucked in, but we can help you get back out of this spiral. Our team can help you with your self-esteem and body image. And we'll get you set up with a nutritionist who can teach you how to eat healthy." Her psychiatrist gave her a friendly smile. "You have a lot of people rallying behind you to help you."

Two days after being admitted, she was sent home with follow up appointments for counseling and an appointment with a nutritionist. Her mom had picked up her assignments from school so she could work on them over the weekend. "It's Friday," Penina told her. "No reason for you to go to school for half a day. Your science teacher says you can make up the test any day after school next week."

Peridot came over on Saturday and gave her as big a hug as her scrawny arms would let her. "I was so worried. Your mom said it was your heart. Are you going to be okay? Do you need a transplant?"

Amethyst let go and sat on her bed. "No, nothing like that. I kind of fucked myself up with crappy eating habits trying to lose weight."

"You're looking good, but you don't want to hurt yourself."

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I know that now." She filled Peridot in on exactly what she'd been doing. "I just wanted to be skinny and wear cute clothes and get my mom off my back."

"You could already wear cute clothes. You know how many girls would kill to have your curves?" Peridot looked down at her rather flat chest. "I mean, if you could give me a cup size or two I know I'd be grateful."

"Fuck, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I want smaller boobs, but my regular doctor said that's not likely." Amethyst sighed. "They said they'll work on my body image and self esteem."

"What teenage girl is happy with the way she looks?"

"Chyeah, I see your point, but I took it to extremes."

"You're going to get better though, right?"

Amethyst nodded and truly hoped that she would. Once Peridot was gone, she looked at herself in the mirror. Her face was still round. She pinched some fat still clinging to her stomach. She remembered what she'd looked like at the beginning of the school year. Was she going to get fat again? She'd already gotten rid of some of her bigger clothes. She thought about the purple dress she'd worn to the dance and felt panic rise in her. What if she gained weight and didn't fit into it? Then on the other side, what if she didn't get healthy? She didn't want a bum heart. She didn't want to be weak or – God forbid – die. She sat on the bed, fear of her uncertain future on her mind and choked back tears as she tried not to give into worry.

When nothing terrible had ever really happened to her, Amethyst wasn't looking forward to therapy. What was she going to talk about? Did she really need to do this?

"You're going," her mother had told her in a no-nonsense way that morning. "If you don't, I'll know because I work in the same hospital."

"What if I just don't show up?"

"Then I'll sasa you with a wooden spoon."

"Chyeah, pretty sure that's still illegal…"

Nevertheless, that Tuesday afternoon, she went, walking into her counselor's office and plunking her backpack next to the couch. "So, do I lay down or what?"

The woman smiled kindly and took a seat across from the couch. She was older, probably in her sixties, wore glasses and her voice held a thoughtful quality. "No, you can sit. My name is Flo and I specialize in counseling teens with eating disorders. I read the notes from the psychiatrist and your doctor and understand that you're bulimic."

"So they say."

"Was there any single incident that triggered you to start vomiting after eating?"

Amethyst shrugged and sat back. "No, I just got tired of being fat and I don't want to get fat again." She paused. "Fatter."

"The psychologist you saw mentioned in her notes that you had some problems with your mother regarding your weight. Do you want to talk about that?"

"That'll take all session probably, but sure. She gets on me all the time about what I eat and how much and how I look and she's fat too so it's bullshit. Like if she wants me to eat healthy and lose weight maybe she could start by fucking setting an example."

"Has she been this way all your life?" When Amethyst nodded, Flo continued. "Has she ever been physically abusive?"

"Not unless spanking counts."

"Depends on the spanking."

Probably not a good idea to bring up that her father had been a believer in the belt and her mom wouldn't hesitate to sasa her ass with a wooden spoon or hairbrush. "Nothing too bad. Honestly, my dad's a pretty awesome guy and my mom just needs to shut up about my weight. I get it from the kids at school and I don't need it from her."

"High school's never easy. Do you have any friends you confide in when things get tough?"

"Peridot's my best friend. We've known each other since we were five and we're really different, but get along well. There's also Kiki and Jenny – they're twins. We're not super close, but they're nice." Over the next fifty minutes she told Flo about her classes and which ones she was good at and which she was barely passing. "I mean who uses freaking algebra on a daily basis? I may not know what I want to do with my life, but I do know it won't involve complicated math."

Once the timer had dinged, Flo closed her notebook. "You meet with the nutritionist this week, right?"

"Tomorrow, yeah."

"Before we meet next week I'd like you to write out five things you like about yourself as an exercise in self-esteem. Then I'd like you to write five things you'd like to improve and some positive ways you think you can do so. Are you off to group therapy next?"

"Yeah…do I really need it though?"

"It helps to get to know other kids who understand what you're going through. You're not alone in this, Amethyst."

She knew that, but somehow she still didn't want to sit in a circle and spill her feelings to a whole group of strangers…whether they were her age or not. She still had about half an hour until support group, so she took the elevator down to the main floor and found the cafeteria for a snack. Maybe she shouldn't get a snack…after all, she'd kept her lunch down and it wasn't exactly healthy, but her stomach growled. Something little couldn't possibly hurt. She surveyed the choices in the refrigerated section knowing she should pick out a package of vegetables or fruit, but a cup full of chocolate and vanilla pudding with whipped cream was calling her name. It would soothe her sweet tooth and help fill her a little until dinner. She plucked it from its place and took it to the register, also grabbing a bottle of iced tea.

"That'll be three-fifty," said the cashier.

Amethyst dug in her bag and pulled out two dollars and a handful of change. She frowned. She was certain she'd had three dollars. Wait…she'd bought a soda at lunch…God, what a heifer.

"Come on, dearie, there's a line forming."

She was no one's 'dearie' and there was only one person after her who plunked down a five dollar bill and told the cashier in a soft voice: "I'll pay for hers."

"You don't have to. I can just…"

"Oh please, let me," the stranger said, her voice lifting up in a soft Southern accent.

"Uh…okay, thanks." Amethyst noticed the girl only bought a cup of hot tea. "Do you want to sit together?"

"That would be lovely." The girl took a seat at one of the small round tables next to Amethyst and dunked the tea bag in the cup of hot water.

Amethyst had never seen a girl her age who was so elegant. She wore a pink coat over her thin frame – almost too thin in her opinion – and her blonde hair was perfectly arranged and fell in loose curls framing her face and tumbling over her shoulders. She wore no foundation on her perfectly shaped face, but light eye shadow and lip gloss. Amethyst couldn't tell if the lashes surrounding the sky-colored eyes were enhanced by mascara or not. She suddenly felt plain and insignificant. Stop staring, Amethyst told herself as she gave an awkward grin. "Um, thanks again. I'm Amethyst."

"My name is Roselyn. Pleased to meet you." She offered her hand, which Amethyst found odd because she'd never shaken hands with someone her own age. That was an adult thing, but then she did seem more mature than Amethyst felt, despite them probably being the same age.

"Where are you from?"

"Oh, I was born here. I picked up my accent from my daddy. He's from Georgia."

"I hope he's not sick…I mean, 'cause this is a hospital and all."

"No, not at all. They say I have an eating problem and I'm here for therapy. I'm just waiting for group." Roselyn sipped her tea lightly, her stomach growling angrily under her coat as though wanting more.

"Yeah, I have to go to that too. I'm bulimic." It was still hard to admit.

"They say I'm anorexic. I say I'm on a diet."

"Is it…I mean, is it helping? Are you getting better?"

"I've gained a pound." She shrugged her shoulders. "I don't think I really have a problem. My parents say they disagree…when they're around."

Amethyst tore the top off of her pudding and dug her spoon into the whipped cream. "What do they do?"

"Oh, Daddy and my aunt run a company together…and Mama is busy with luncheons and organizing galas – charity things, you know."

"I wish my parents were into doing something – they're always around. My dad's cool, but my mom's kind of a bitch." She ate a spoonful of pudding.

Roselyn smiled gently. "You know that has to have three hundred calories, right?"

"I take it you don't eat pudding."

"Not in over a year. No sugar, no carbs, strict vegan diet, small portions, exercise daily – no exceptions. I know what I'm doing."

Amethyst knew she couldn't live on that kind of diet…neither could Roselyn, probably. She twisted the cap off her iced tea and took a sip. They could talk about what they ate or didn't eat or other such things at support group. "So, what school do you go to?"

"I'm privately tutored."

"That must be kind of lonely." Maybe Amethyst didn't have a lot of close friends, but school still helped her be social.

"I also take ballet classes and riding lessons. I have some friends there. Do you dance or ride?"

She laughed. "Yeah…me dance ballet?"

"Or any kind of dance – there's also tap and jazz."

"No and the only horse I've ever been on was attached to a carousel."

Roselyn giggled. "Perhaps we can go riding at my place sometime."

"I'd probably break the horse's back."

"They're quite strong, I assure you." She pulled out a cell phone from the small purse that matched the rest of her outfit and flipped it open. "It's almost time. We should get going."

Amethyst tossed the remainder of her pudding and slipped the bottle of tea in her backpack before following Roselyn out of the cafeteria and down the hall. She glanced down at her pink flats. "I'm surprised you don't wear heels."

"Oh no, Mama says no heels until I'm sixteen – that'll be in August."

Wait…she knew they were close in age, but Roselyn was younger? Maybe age and maturity didn't go hand-in-hand. "Do you live close by?"

"No, I live near Emerald City, but I go here for therapy to avoid anyone who might know the family." Roselyn jabbed the elevator button with her finger. "So they send me an hour away to maintain the family image. I tell you, it's exhausting. 'Stand up straight, Roselyn – smile, speak softly and don't forget your accent' – got to be put together, you know…Mama and Daddy's perfect trophy. Can't let anyone know I'm a mess-up."

"I hear that feeling, though my mom's probably upset that I didn't lose more weight before this all happened."

"I mean…I can help you if you want," Roselyn offered.

"Thanks, but I'm sure they'll be watching me like hawks, so I can't exactly pick up your vegan, water-only diet."

Roselyn laughed. "True, but at least your parents are there for you."

Support group was much what she'd expected – about ten girls and one boy sitting in a circle and talking about their feelings. Amethyst simply sat back and listened as some of them discussed the typical fears and anxieties that come with growing up and being in high school or the pressures of being in sports where they had to keep their weight down. However a couple had broken families or had been abused in some way and Amethyst was almost in awe that they were comfortable enough in this group to talk about it.

The therapist leading, Joanna, looked at her. "Amethyst, do you want to share?"

"I mean…I just…I didn't wanna be fat."

"I think most of us have been in that position, but is being fat really the worst thing you can be?"

"It's not healthy."

"Not particularly, but neither is starving yourself or forcing yourself to be sick. You are more than your size." Joanna's eyes flickered to Roselyn. "Would you like to share today?"

Amethyst's new friend shook her head and gave a serene smile. "No."

It lasted an hour and they walked out together. "How do you get home, Amethyst?"

"My mom's shift should be over soon, so I'm headed to OB to wait for her and she'll drive me home. You?"

"My daddy will send a car for me."

"A car?"

"You know…a limo. Or…maybe just the town car."

Damn…how rich is she? Amethyst wondered. It must be nice to be rich. Amethyst was definitely tired of being poor. As she said goodbye to Roselyn and headed up to the OB floor, she thought about getting a job. That would give her some money to spend. She waited almost half an hour, working on her homework before Penina got off work. "Hey, Mom."

"Good, you're studying. What do you want to eat for dinner?"

"Um…I don't know."

"I read that helping plan meals can help your recovery."

Amethyst shrugged. "Spaghetti?" She walked silently alongside her mom until they got to the car and closed the door before asking what was on her mind. "Could I get a job this summer?"

"You'll have therapy to consider. A job won't get you out of that."

"I know."

"I'll talk to your father. I thought you should have something to do this summer."

"Maybe Peridot and I can get jobs together."

"Peridot isn't old enough yet."

"Right…" She looked out the window and watched the world go by as her mom drove. Peridot was a great friend, but in meeting Roselyn, Amethyst now had someone who understood her on a level her best friend couldn't. Despite everything happening, she looked forward to summer…to hopefully getting better…

June 2006

Jasper

"Where are you off to?" Matt asked as Jasper passed through the common area of the barracks. "And in your uniform again no less."

"Sergeant Major Jackson asked to see me about something."

"You in trouble?"

"I fucking hope not." She gave him a quick kiss. "See you later?"

"Yeah."

"Man, you guys are lucky," one of the others soldiers said. "I've been trying to get a girl to marry me, you know…get out of here."

"We're not getting married and definitely not just so we can move out of the barracks," Jasper told him. She hugged Matt again and left, making her way across base and waiting a few moments before being called into the major's office. "Corporal Palamo reporting, sir."

"Take a seat." His brows knitted together as he opened a file and tapped his pen against one of the pages. "You've worked closely with Sergeant Gary McCoy for a couple of years now, correct?"

Oh Jesus…she did not want to talk about that asshole. "Yes, sir, ever since I joined the infantry."

"There have been some allegations brought against him by another female soldier, so I have to ask about his conduct and whether you've ever felt his behavior to be inappropriate."

Sir, I could write a book about his inappropriateness, she wanted to say, but couldn't. "Um…well, I'd say he can definitely be sexist. He makes remarks and jokes about women being there to make sandwiches and do laundry, but that's not exclusive to him. If I can be so bold, the Army seems to still be a man's world, despite strides to make things more inclusive. Someone complained about him making jokes?"

"No, someone has accused him of sexual assault, so I need to ask if he's ever said anything or done anything to do that made you feel uncomfortable."

He raped me. She couldn't say those words. There was absolutely no proof and she had her reputation to think about. Suddenly, she was disgusted with herself. Damn her reputation – she should have thought about this from the beginning. Now he'd gone and done something to someone else. Still, the words stayed lodged in her throat.

"Corporal?"

"We were at a pizza place recently and he smacked me on the rear." That could be backed up – there were witnesses – plenty of them.

"How did you react?"

"I yelled at him and some of the guys basically got him to stop and shut up. His rationale for doing it was that I stuck my butt out – I was playing pool."

"I see." Sergeant Major Jackson turned the pen around in his hands. "Nothing else that stands out to you?"

Her heart was pounding and she resisted the urge to wipe her palms on her pants. "No, sir."

"You didn't think to report his behavior when this happened?"

"He wasn't the first guy to grab my ass. It seemed more trouble to report him than it was worth."

"It is your prerogative if you choose to report it or not, however, I would encourage everyone to come forward about inappropriate conduct."

"There are rumors of women being denied promotions, being demoted or even the odd case of one or two not returning from battle. As long as stories like that exist, I have to ask myself if reporting it is worth risking my career."

"You and I both know retaliation is not tolerated."

"It still happens. At the end of the year, I'm eligible for a promotion and I don't want this to be the reason I don't make sergeant after I've worked so hard. He's the first person I have to interview with – you think he's going to recommend me if I drag his name through the mud?"

"You think he'll have that power if he's demoted or in jail?"

Jasper nodded slowly. "That's a big if."

"I'll tell you what – you take a few days to think about this and request a meeting if you need to tell me anything else."

"Yes, sir." She left when he dismissed her and quickly returned to the barracks.

"Hey, Jasps, what did he want?" Matt asked from the couch in the common area where he was playing a video game with one of the other guys.

"I'll tell you in private. Come find me when you're done." She cringed as his virtual character shot another character in the head making it explode across the screen. Retreating to her room, she started getting undressed. It took everything in her to hang her uniform up neatly instead of flinging it across the room in frustration. "You fucking coward," she muttered to herself as she undid her bun and let her hair tumble down her back.

Jasper could feel Sergeant McCoy's hands on her…his breath against her skin…hear his voice threatening her. She sat on the bed in her bra and underwear, her hand resting lightly on the stuffed tiger's head. She needed to calm down and ground herself. She was safe here. Her sergeant didn't live in the barracks and couldn't threaten her here.

A knock on the door startled her. Jasper wrapped a robe around herself. "Matt?"

"Yeah, it's me."

She opened the door and let him in, leaving the door cracked just a bit as the rules demanded. "Did you win your game?"

"No, Cardwell got high score." Matt put his hands on her shoulders. "What was your meeting about?"

Jasper filled him in on the situation then sat on the bed with a sigh. "If I'd said something when it happened then someone else wouldn't have to go through this. But…I didn't…I just pretended it never happened and now he attacked another woman who actually has the guts to say something. I never even considered…I thought about my damn self."

Matt sat next to her and put his arm around her, letting her lean into him. "You couldn't have known." He squeezed her shoulder. "Are you going to say something?"

"I don't know. What if I do and he doesn't actually get punished for it? He somehow weaseled his way out of a court marshal for how he led us during the siege. Who's to say he won't do the same with this?"

"If you do report it and they believe you, his punishment will be harsher."

"And if they don't, then I'm trying to cause trouble and he can make my life a living hell. I have no proof. It's my word against his and with my history and my reputation while I was over there, why should they believe me?"

Matt kissed the top of her head. "Because you're honest and even if you had it in you to lie, they know you wouldn't make this up."

"God, I'm such a fucking coward…"

"Then prove you're not. Go to Sergeant Major Jackson and tell him what happened."

Derek had told her she'd had to face this like she would an enemy in battle. "Maybe I should run it by my therapist."

"Good idea. I still want to kick his ass – er, McCoy, not your therapist. Look at me, Jasper." Once she'd faced him, he cradled her face in his hands and gently kissed her. "You're a warrior, okay? You can do this."

Jasper returned his kiss hungrily and deeply. His arms wrapped around her, strong and protective. His hands wandered around her back, running along the soft material of her robe. Jasper broke the kiss. "Hang on."

She wanted more…so much more than just kissing. She peeked out into the hall, seeing no one and shut the door, locking it.

"What are you doing?" Matt asked. "We could get in trouble."

"Not if we're quiet." Jasper undid the belt and let her robe fall to the floor, causing her boyfriend's eyes to widen. She reached behind her and popped her bra open, sighing in relief, letting it slide down her arms to plop on top of her robe.

Matt sat back and sucked in a sharp breath. "Damn."

Jasper straddled his lap and kissed him again, reveling in the feeling of his hands on her bare back. They explored her muscles, her shoulder blades, slid down her spine sending shivers through her. One hand wandered close to her breast, just inches away, fire burning in her core as she broke the kiss and moved his hand, causing his fingers to brush over her nipple. "Put your hands on me…please…"

He kneaded her breasts, his thumbs rubbing over her nipples causing them to pucker as tingles spread from her chest down to her core. She moved against him, feeling him expand in his pants.

Matt kissed her neck, his teeth nibbling her flesh, moving down to a spot that would be covered by her uniform and sucking. Jasper trembled and sighed. "Oh God…" It had been a long time since anyone had held her…touched her…kissed her.

His hips rolled against her and he moaned against her neck, finally pulling away. "Jasper, I want to make love to you. Is that okay?"

"Yes," she breathed. She pulled his shirt off over his head, running her hands along the flat planes of his chest and abs. Her fingers traced the lines of his pe'a stretching in dark tones across his sides. She'd never been with a man who was so covered in tattoos, but she found it sexy and powerful. "Hang on, um…one second."

Jasper ran to the bathroom and rummaged through a drawer, finding two condoms in foil wrapping. She returned, finding Matt sitting completely naked on the bed and handed one of the small packages to him. "Here…I'm, uh…not on birth control."

"Good idea." He opened it and rolled it on while she discarded her panties. His fingers slid between her legs…exploring her folds already slick with her nectar. "Is this against the rules?"

"When I'm dating someone, the rules go out the door."

"Except the protection rule."

"Well, that's just…ahhh…common fucking…" She grasped his shoulders as his fingers circled her clit. "Fuuuuuuck…sense." Her head tilted back and she tried holding a moan back. She pulled back from his hand and lowered herself onto him, pressing her lips against his as she moved up and down and he filled her. Her tongue gently pushed past his lips and his played with hers in return as she clenched around his member and rode him.

Matt broke the kiss and pulled away. "Unnngh…God, Jasper."

Being on top usually gave her a sense of power…being above men, driving them crazy…but she didn't want to drive him crazy. She wanted to pleasure him…to melt into his arms…to become one with him. She wanted this to wash away memories of that awful night and replace them with loving, tender ones. Matt placed his hands firmly on her hips and she stopped as they changed positions. She flung the tiger across the room and lay down, letting him cover her and fill her completely. Jasper's nails ran the length of his back as he moved in her sending waves of euphoria from her core all the way to her toes, her fingers, even the hair on her head. She pulled him closer and shuddered, crying out as a wave crashed through her.

He was kissing her cheek and then her neck…and he was so close to her she felt smothered between him and the bed. The waves began to ebb as darkness crept in. No…she told herself. This is Matt…your boyfriend. One of his hands was on her breast and she balled her own hands up into fists as her heart pounded. She tried to take a deep breath, but a dark wave crashed over her threatening to drown her.

Jasper shut her eyes. She was on that bed…in that room…and he was on her. She couldn't move…she couldn't make a sound…fuck, she could hardly breathe.

"Jasper…"

A voice was coming from far away. Was it Ruby? Had she woken up?

"Jasper…"

Get off of me…she wanted to tell him.

Slut!

And he wouldn't stop…he was crushing her and he kept going.

You can't dish it out to everyone else and tell me no.

Another dark wave of panic and terror. Just hurry up…just hurry up and finish, please!

"JASPER!"

Oh God…it was Matt…that's right, she was with Matt and he'd stopped. He wasn't so close and she could take a breath. Her voice escaped in a whisper. "It's okay…I'm okay…"

"No, you're not. What's wrong?"

And then the panic seeped from her mind, ringing out in her voice as her eyes flew open. "It's okay – hurry up and finish, please!"

"No, because you're not okay and I'm not going to continue if you're not okay with it." He shifted, pulling out of her and holding her close.

Jasper's entire body trembled as she wrapped her arms around him, longing to feel that safety she'd had in his embrace before. "I'm sorry...I don't know what happened. I was fine and then…"

"It's okay." Matt stroked her hair.

"No, it's not. It's sex – I should be able to do this, but I…I just panicked and all these memories…"

"Shhh, it's okay." He rolled beside her, his arms still around her and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "You keep going to therapy and we'll try again when you're ready."

"I don't deserve you."

"Yes you do. You deserve love and kindness…and everything good."

No, that's what Matt deserved…all that and a girlfriend who wasn't so damaged…and wasn't such a coward.

"I just don't know what happened," Jasper told Derek at her next session. "I…I just froze and I couldn't stop thinking about it. It was like I was being raped all over again, but this was with Matt – Matt! He would never do that. In fact, he stopped when he realized I wasn't okay."

"Can you think of what may have triggered the flashback?"

"The only thing I can think of is that he was on top. Not that I've never allowed men on top but usually I like to be in charge and when I was – when I was on top of Matt, it was fine. But I want to be comfortable with this. If he wants to make love in that position somehow I need to be okay with it."

"And you will. You need to remind yourself that Matt is someone you can trust and that may take time. You're still recovering and you need to give yourself time to heal."

"It's not like this is the first time I've done it since the rape either. I mean, the other times I was pretty drunk…but it didn't bother me like this did."

"Were they on top?"

"No." Jasper sighed and squeezed her stress ball. "I really thought that this time with Matt would get rid of what Sergeant McCoy did to me."

"Nothing is going to erase it. I believe you'll go on to have a fulfilling relationship with Matt, or maybe someone else in the future – you'll become comfortable with sex again and enjoy it, but it's never going to make the rape go away. It doesn't change that experience. All you can do is move on."

"It's hard because Sergeant McCoy is still in charge of my unit. I have to work with him every day. I mean, mostly he leaves me alone, but it's almost impossible to move on when I have to look at him and remember what he did to me." She looked at her hands, moving the stress ball from one hand to the other. "And…now he's done it to someone else."

Derek nodded, shifted in his chair and looked at her square on. "And how does that make you feel?"

"Horrible. I should have said something…gone to the doctor…reported it…"

"Jasper, you can't change the past, remember?"

"Yeah." All the 'could'ves, should'ves, would'ves' couldn't change what was. The truth was that she hadn't reported it.

"It's not your fault he attacked another person. That's on him. Now, hopefully they've gone to your command about it and they're taking steps to move on."

"I got called into a meeting with Sergeant Major Jackson and I told him about Sergeant McCoy smacking my ass at the pizza place. I'm really torn about actually reporting the rape. If I do this, I have no evidence and he told me there would be consequences. I'm really afraid…do you know what it takes me to admit I'm fucking scared?"

"That's good. You're getting in touch with your feelings. What are you scared of?"

"I could not get promoted…I could get demoted or discharged."

"What happens if you're discharged?"

"Depends if it's honorable or dishonorable, but if he makes it seem like I messed up, it'll probably be dishonorable, which means zero benefits. I lose my GI Bill; I lose my insurance…I've never been to college. I don't even know anymore how to make a resume or go on a job interview. It's all different in the military."

"Do you have people to help you?"

"I'm sure my parents would…my dad did say he had a college fund for me, though it never got used, but they might be saving it for Amethyst. I'd have to get some kind of schooling; I'm not flipping burgers or something my whole life."

"But even if all that happened and you weren't in the military – you can carve a path out for yourself. And remember, it is an 'if'. It's just as likely they'll believe you and if they do, then he gets punished and that may just help you a lot in moving on."

She nodded and took a deep breath. "It's still…I'm still afraid."

"'Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear.'" Derek quoted. "You remember that when you talk to Jackson."

And in telling her story to the sergeant major, it was like a weight had been lifted from her chest. She still had to pause every so often and couldn't get through it without crying, but he was the same gentle man who had listened to her when she wasn't sure how to deal with her pregnancy. "Dare I ask if your baby was his?"

"It was. I even considered having it, if for no other reason than to prove he'd done it because the child would have had his DNA."

"Technically all that would have proven is that you'd had sex with him."

"Well, as my therapist says: sex is consensual; this was not."

"I'll be honest, Corporal." Sergeant Major Jackson folded his hands and placed them on the desk in front of them. "We have evidence to support the other accusations, but not for you. It's incredibly brave for you to come forward, but you have to be prepared for the possibility that they may not prosecute him for assaulting you."

Jasper gave a nod. "I understand and I won't say I'm not still afraid. I don't know how he'll retaliate, but I'm sure he'll try. I just can't let him get away with this."

"Okay. I'll send the report higher up the chain of command and someone will likely be in touch with you."

Two days later, she headed out to the field for a fighting exercise. It was so different from Iraq with the trees and bushes around, but the goal was to find and take out 'snipers' without getting hit themselves. Her hands tightened around the rifle full of blanks as she moved slowly along the terrain – an area on base around twenty miles long and a mile wide. From the soldiers missing, she knew who the snipers were as they'd gone ahead.

Pop pop pop!

Damn, even the blanks sounded realistic and an alarm emitted from Cardwell's vest indicating he'd been hit. He lay down on the ground as though injured while another soldier put in a call for medical assistance. It was like a game of tag…except when it came to a real battle it was no longer a game and the stakes were high. They couldn't treat their training like a game either.

"You know who else the snipers are?" Moritz asked beside her.

"Young, McCoy and Cortina." Jasper surveyed the area, but with their camouflage they'd be nearly impossible to see. She stepped around Moritz and kept her gaze on a bush-filled area where she was almost sure she saw the outline of a uniform and the barrel of a gun pointed in their direction. She raised her rifle and looked through the scope.

Pop! Pop!

Jasper waited for the sound from a vest indicating a hit but it never found her ears. Damn, she'd missed. She hoped it was McCoy…in that case she wished she had actual bullets. Clearly, he knew she'd said something because he'd quietly called her a bitch just before they'd left on this training mission. Better a bitch than a rapist, she thought.

Pop!

Something slammed into her bullet-proof vest with the force of a baseball bat and pain spread through her chest. What the hell?

Pop!

Another blow. She heard the plate under the tough exterior of her vest snap and a shock stinging through her right breast and all the way to her back. She couldn't breathe…whatever it was had knocked the wind out of her.

Pop!

Her mouth opened in a silent scream as a searing sensation burned through her upper arm. Her knees hit the ground first and then she was facedown. The sleeve of her uniform was wet. But it couldn't be…

"Everybody hold fire! Freeze!"

She was rolled over onto her back, still struggling to take a breath. Her eyes darted around frantically. No…they didn't use real bullets in training.

"Get on the radio and call for a medical unit to get here – now! Let them know it's not a drill!"

She had actually been shot.

The next chapter is done and will be up once my trusty beta finishes with it. I know in the past I've popped out chapters very fast but now I like them to be polished and ready for you all. :)