4
The best-laid plans of foxes and lions…well…I reckon they go wrong sometimes.
Marty couldn't think of the last time he had been this cold.
He was on his hands and knees, crawling through a pitch-black tunnel that seemed to have no end. After nearly an hour – or was it a year?– of scrambling through the dark passageway, his hands were completely numb and his Guess jeans were completely stained with dirt. Ahead, Marty could barely hear the plodding of Midge the Mole, Will the Bulldog, and Arthur the lizard. Every time Marty thought about about taking a rest, he thought about the silence that would ensue if the rest of the Merry Men got too far in front of him, and he found the energy to keep crawling. In this world with no light, it was the sound that kept him sane.
Gradually, gradually, the tunnel veered upwards and the Merry Men's quiet chatter vanished completely. Just as Marty was starting to panic, he crashed into Will Scarlet, who had stopped.
"Sorry," said Marty.
"Shhh!" hushed the bulldog. "We're here!" Sure enough, Marty realized that he could see the movement of his companions, if vaguely; there was now as much light as in a gloomy basement. The tunnel was wider and taller here and the four travelers carefully straightened their backs as much as much as they were able. The ceiling, Marty realized as he hit his head, was made of wood slats, through which the tiniest amount of light was shining. They were now under a building.
"Arthur," Midge whispered. "Is anyone up there?" The lizard pressed his face close to the wood and flicked his tongue.
"They're asleep," he whispered, "but they're there. Robin must not have made his move yet."
"Then we wait," said Will, and they waited. Marty diverted himself by thinking of all the radical skateboarding tricks he knew.
Suddenly, from up above them, a bell clanged. "Rise and shine, lil' buttercups," came the Sheriff's yodel-y voice. "Robin Hood and Little John have been sighted in the town. Time to make ol' Prince John a new fur hat!"
At this, the wood slats shook violently, as the Rhinos, Hippos, and Elephants from the building above leapt up and began to arm themselves. There was a frenzy of noise for a few minutes, then the slam of a door…and then silence.
"No time like the present," said Midge cheerily. "Will?"
Will Scarlet hopped on Midge's back, and with a mighty paw punched through the wood slats above. Once Will had created a good-sized hole, the gang crawled through. Marty pulled himself up last, feeling grateful that he did chin-ups every morning in order to give himself Bon Jovi biceps.
The four Merry Men were now in a barracks. Enormous cots were neatly placed around the great space, and axes, spears and maces were messily strewn on the floor. A great fireplace contained the glowing embers that gave the room a reddish hue. Marty was confused.
"What are we doing here?" he asked. "I thought we were looking for gold. Are we going to prank them?"
"We're not here for gold, nor pranks neither," said Will gruffly. "Come on, we're wasting time." He led the group to the back of the room, where there was a stone staircase spiraling up. He put a clawed finger to his jowls. "There will still be some guards up there, so Arthur better go first, I think."
Marty expected the lizard to protest, but Arthur merely nodded, grabbed a truncheon from the floor, and started up the stairs. As he moved, his skin turned the same dark gray as the stone, until only his eyes and the baton in his hands were visible. Marty was thunderstruck by the effectiveness of Arthur's camouflage and had to remind himself that here, cartoon physics ruled supreme.
As the pack of bandits climbed higher and higher, they heard a pair of folksy voices casually chatting.
"I tell you, Nutsy," said one. "We ain't never gonna get no sleep around here at this rate."
"Don't point that crossbow at me, Trigger," said the other. "I don't trust that there peashooter."
"Stay back," whispered the silhouette that was Arthur. It disappeared upwards, and a few seconds later, the group heard twin squawks and thumps. They ventured up the stairs a little further, where they saw two vulture guards, out cold. Arthur, now back to his usual green color, was peering intently at a great steel door.
"Not too bad," he muttered, mostly to himself. He procured a pin and wiggled it with precision in the keyhole. After a few minutes, there was a click, and the great door swung open. The group of marauders stepped over the unconscious bodies of the vultures, through the doorway…
And into a prison.
Marty mouth gaped as he looked around. The room was filled with cells and nearly all of them were full: rabbits, squirrels, badgers, door mice, dogs, cats, and one skunk who appeared to be the only prisoner with a cell to himself. The inmates cheered as Arthur entered the room and took a flashy bow.
"Who's ready to get out of here?" he called.
"Shut up, Arthur, you nitwit," growled Will Scarlet. "Don't get 'em all riled up. We'll need this to be orderly."
"Ok, he's right," said Arthur casually, and the menagerie settled down. "We'll get you all out of here, but we need to be as sneaky as we can." With that, he turned his attention and his lock-pick to the first cell and began trying to pop the lock, as the animals inside watched eagerly.
"What's that in the back?" asked Midge, pointing to a sturdy door festooned with locks. "If it's that important to P.J. to be kept secret, I say we make it a top priority."
"I'll get to it," said Arthur, as the metal bars of the first cell popped out, and a grateful kitten, aardvark and snake came pouring out. "But we don't want to ignore these fine people of Nottingham, just so…"
He stopped abruptly, and his scaly green skin turned white. "They're back," he whispered.
"What?" said Marty. "Robin Hood said he'd buy us at least an hour!" But as he spoke, he could feel the floor shake with pachyderm footsteps.
"It's a trap!" yelled Will. He slammed the steel door and locked it, then turned to Marty. "Time for plan B, kid. Make the call."
Marty pulled a walkie-talkie from his back pocket. "Doc!" he yelled. "We're compromised! Get us the hell out of here!"
"Great Scott, already?" came Doc Brown's crackling voice. "I'll be there as soon as I can!"
As Marty put the walkie-talkie back in his pocket, the door shook violently. "Open up in there!" came a low, fierce voice. The animals in the cells started to panic, but Will calmly walked over to a window and ripped out the metal bars. Outside, only stars were visible.
"Alright, those of you we busted out," he called, "we're escaping through the window. Everyone else, we're very sorry, we'll be back for you as soon as we can."
"Essssssscape through the window?" came the refined voice of the snake whom they had freed. "Ssssssir, are you mad? The fall will ccccccccertainly kill usss."
"It's alright," said Midge, soothingly. "We have a ride."
In the frame of the window, the bright headlights of the DeLorean were suddenly visible. "I'm here!" came a cry over the rush of wind. "I'm here!" Marty, relieved, saw the hatch of the car open up and Doc Brown waving for him to come aboard.
"It'll be just a bit of a jump," said Arthur to the shaking prisoners. "Here, I'll show you." He slithered up to the window, and hopped into the passenger seat of the DeLorean.
"I don't know if I'm fully capable," began the snake, but Will had no time for words. "C'mon, you great worm," he snarled. The bulldog grabbed the snake by the neck and jumped into the car as well. Midge helped the elderly aardvark across the gap, and then it was just Marty and the grey kitten left.
"I'm scared," said the kitten timidly, clutching his paws to his pink nose. Marty was almost nauseated by the intensity of the cuteness.
"Uh, it's ok," he said awkwardly. "Here, I'll help you." He picked up the kitten and held him out the window. Midge took the tiny cat in her arms and pulled him to the safety of the car. At that moment, a large rock fell from the heavens and cracked the windshield of the DeLorean.
"What the hell!" exclaimed Doc Brown, as all the animals packed into the car craned their necks around to see where the attack had come from. Midge spotted it first.
"Vultures!" she cried.
A squadron of vultures had descended on the DeLorean, carrying rocks, logs, throwing axes and crossbows. Marty ducked away from the window as the projectiles went whizzing by.
"Try to make it, Marty!" cried Doc Brown over the squawks and thuds. "It's only a matter of time before a lucky hit disables the hoverdrive!"
And, sure enough, even as he spoke, a large rock crushed a fin panel on the back of the car, and the DeLorean began to plummet. The hoverdrive sputtered and sparked, but all it could do was slow the descent of the car, which fell jerkily into the darkness. Marty stared into the night sky, unable to accept that his hope for rescue had disappeared.
"You were very brave," said a fat, balding badger dressed up in monk's clothing. He sighed. "Bravery, it seems, is worth less than it used to be."
It was several minutes before the Rhinos broke the door down. The club aimed at Marty's head looked cartoonish but, in the painful second of consciousness before darkness ensued, it felt real enough.