Chapter 14 – Maybe Baby

October 2006

Jasper

Jasper yawned as she surveyed the coffee choices at the small shop on base. She was going to need energy tonight. The man in front of her turned and smiled. "Hot date again tonight?"

She looked down at her plain black T-shirt and jeans. "Oh yeah."

Sergeant Cordero grinned. "You should have worn that red number."

"You know, I would have but he has a thing for throwing up on girls."

He put his hands in the air. "I mean, who am I to kink shame?"

Jasper laughed. "I'm babysitting my friend's kid. He's five months."

Sergeant Cordero stepped up to the counter ordering a caramel macchiato and a tall drip coffee with cream and two sugars. "It's on me, Tiger."

"You don't have to do that."

"I want to – congrats, right?" He finished paying and stepped off to the side. "I heard you passed all your interviews. When do you start training?"

"Next week. By the end of the year, it'll be official."

Silence surrounded them for a moment. "So, you have a maternal side. I didn't see that coming."

"Yeah, well, I don't know how maternal I am, but I guess we'll find out. I mean, it's nighttime, right? He'll probably just sleep."

"So, you still dating that Matua guy?"

"I am."

"And he wasn't promoted, right?"

"Uh…no, but I don't think he plans to be in forever, so he wasn't crushed." The barista put their drinks up on the counter and she grabbed hers. "I plan for a full career, if that's in the cards for me."

"I remember you saying that in your interview. I like ambition." Sergeant Cordero bumped his coffee cup against hers. "Congrats again and have fun on your 'date' tonight."

"Thanks – and thanks for the coffee." Jasper quickly retreated from the coffee shop and to her car. She started it up, the check engine light shining at her. She made a mental note to take it in that weekend and get it looked at. The drive to Lacy's didn't take too long and she finished her coffee before walking to the door.

Her friend smiled and squealed when she saw her. "How are you?"

"I'm good. Finally date night for you and Carlos, huh?" Jasper stepped in and removed her shoes.

"Yeah. I still think it's too early to leave him…"

Carlos came around the corner holding Kyle. "But, I don't. Look, Lace, my mom and dad have watched him – you trust Jasper so I'm sure he'll be fine."

Lacy took Kyle from her husband. "You will be, won't you, sweet cheeks? Jasper is gonna take good care of you."

"Yeah, okay but I'm not calling him 'sweet cheeks'."

"He likes sweet potatoes or pears for dinner." Lacy breezed into the kitchen. "The baby food is up here and I put his spoon on the high chair table already. Then I put him on the floor for some tummy time – he has some toys on the blanket in the living room. He's working on motor skills – oh and play peek-a-boo with him. It helps with object permanence." Lacy rubbed noses with him. "Doesn't it?"

"Because he knows what that means." Jasper wasn't even sure she knew what that meant.

"Bedtime routine – bath, story and then cuddling while he drinks a bottle. There are two bottles in the fridge – he might fuss a little because he prefers the breast, but just keep offering the bottle; he'll take it. I usually sing while I feed him. He likes 'Twinkle Twinkle' or 'Baa Baa Black Sheep'."

"Those have the same tune," Carlos said.

"They're totally different." Lacy shook her head.

Jasper wasn't sure she knew either one – at least not completely.

"And once he's out just put him in his crib, make sure the baby monitor is on, but I like to check on him every fifteen minutes just to be sure, you know." Lacy bounced him a little. "I guess that's about it. If he seems like he's crying for no reason he probably just wants attention. He loves being held. You wanna try it?" She turned her attention to Kyle. "You wanna go to Jasper?"

Jasper took him from his mom and held him. Kyle studied her face before reaching up and grabbing her nose with his hand. Then he squealed and gave a huge grin. "Glad you approve, little man."

"If you get hungry, mi casa es su casa – help yourself, or have something delivered, but don't leave him alone or leave the house with him," Lacy told her.

Jasper turned to Kyle. "Sorry, dude, we're gonna have to miss the rave."

"Just remember when you change him – stand to the side, never directly in front," Carlos said. "Learned that mistake the hard way."

It was only moments after they'd left that Jasper realized she'd never actually changed a diaper in her life. When she was younger and tried to help with Amethyst, her mom would shoo her away telling her she wasn't old enough. "Well, I guess it's just you and me huh?"

Kyle looked at her then at the door that had just closed. His face scrunched up disapprovingly and he gave a loud cry.

"Oh, don't do that." She bounced him a little bit and rubbed his back trying to calm him down. However, Kyle decided to fuss during dinner, spitting out his food and throwing a handful of sweet potatoes at Jasper and then giggling about it. He calmed down during tummy time, which involved him laying on a blanket, picking up blocks and stacking them and occasionally trying to prop himself up on hands and knees as though crawling might be his next step. Jasper passed that time on the couch, flipping through a magazine only wondering if she should be playing with him. "Hey, Kyle, how long is tummy time?"

Kyle rolled onto his back and held up a wooden block in her direction.

"Well, you're not on your tummy, so I guess it's over." She picked him up just as he scrunched his face up again. "No…no crying." She felt his body shake then he gave a relieved smile as the smell hit her nose. "Ugh…how did you turn sweet potatoes into that? Please go back to crying."

A bath, a diaper and pajama change later and Jasper finally sat down in the nursery with him and tried to feed him a bottle. Kyle turned his head toward her chest and slapped his hand against her boob. "Sorry, buddy, this Dairy Queen is closed."

She realized as he finally took the bottle that she'd completely skipped over story time. "Uh…you won't tell your mom if I won't, right? Let's see, I guess you like singing. Well, I guarantee my singing will probably give you nightmares." She pushed her foot against the floor making the rocking chair gently sway back and forth. There was one lullaby she remembered hearing her mom sing to her and Amethyst. "Moe moe pepe, Tumu tumu le laau…A agi le matagi e lue atu ma toe sau…" Did it matter that it was in Samoan? Well, she figured it didn't since Kyle didn't understand anything she said in any language yet. Plus, he was closing his eyes and relaxing in her arms.

And now that he wasn't crying or doing anything gross, he was pretty cute. He looked more like Carlos than Lacy with darker skin and hair, but maybe his nose was about the shape of hers, or would be when he grew up. She looked around the nursery, all decked out in shades of blue and white, and thought about what she'd been through a year ago. She thought about how Lacy had helped her and supported her through the procedure and afterwards how she'd cried at the thought of the life she'd decided to cut short. However, after tonight, she was definitely not ready. Kyle was adorable, but she realized she had him for a short time whereas her own child would have relied on her twenty-four-seven. By the end of the year, she'd complete her training and officially be a sergeant, in charge of a squad of her own. She didn't have time for a child.

Jasper smiled down at Kyle and kissed him on the forehead. She'd made her decision. It freed her from having to relive the rape during every moment her pregnancy had progressed and it had left her to be able to heal from that and carve out her own path in life no matter what came at her. She'd made a decision and for the first time in a year, she was okay with it.

She placed Kyle in his crib and watched him for a few moments. Lacy was a very fortunate person to have a loving husband and a child. And as Jasper stepped out of the nursery and closed the door, she knew someday, when she was ready, she'd have that too.

November 2006

Amethyst

Flo had been very impressed with Amethyst's attitude over the past few months. "You seem to be accepting your body and seeing yourself in a more positive light, Amethyst."

"Yeah, Peri and I actually went to a Halloween party dressed as a farmer and a cow. I'm owning the cow. Cows can be cute – I was downright adorable. Although, there was one creepy boy wanting to play with my udders…"

"Do you think the visits between us could be less frequent? Every month or so? That way, you still have me to come to each month and vent, but it sounds like you're doing very well. Your friends are a great support group."

"Even my family. Ever since I started taking dancing lessons, my mom and I have been practicing together. Auntie Su wants me to dance in the Polynesian festival at the end of the year. I hope it do it justice. Either, way, it's good exercise because I haven't put on a ton of weight – if any – all my clothes still fit."

"That's good – balance your love of food with exercise and focus on being healthy. You've made a lot of progress, Amethyst. You should be proud of yourself."

And she was. As she headed to the cafeteria afterwards, she couldn't wait to tell Roselyn all about her latest appointment and the progress she was making. Maybe it would lead Roselyn to want to get better too. For all Amethyst's positive conversations with her, Roselyn didn't seem to want to change at all. Amethyst purchased her pudding and a bottle of water and waited.

And waited.

The clock on the wall ticked closer to the start of group therapy. Amethyst was still waiting…just hoping that her friend would come in. She could see Roselyn in her mind wearing a baby pink outfit, perfectly put together. Her friend would sit down, brush her golden curls away from her face with her hand and sip hot tea while they talked.

Time for group came, but Roselyn didn't. She didn't turn up at the meeting either. Afterwards, she asked the therapist running the support group if she had any news.

"Oh, yes. Roselyn is upstairs in the pediatric unit. She's not doing so well again, but that's all I know."

Amethyst raced through the halls and took the elevator up, only realizing as she stepped out that she didn't actually know Roselyn's last name. She followed the signs toward the adolescent wing and stopped as she turned a corner and saw two women arguing.

"What do you mean you haven't told him?"

The other woman's heels clacked on the floor. She had poofy, blonde hair and wore a pink tweed dress. There was no mistaking Roselyn's mother. "He hasn't been here for her thus far. Why should he be here now?"

"This could be very serious. You heard the doctor. Her father should be here."

"This is a family matter."

The second woman crossed her arms and huffed. She wore a dark blue dress that was long and elegant with silver embroidery. "You're not higher up in the hierarchy here. We both married into the family."

"Yes, and only my marriage is recognized by law."

"That's true – now only if it was as happy as ours."

"You don't have to be here." Roselyn's mother opened a door and disappeared behind it.

Amethyst watched the other woman walk away, pulling a cell phone from her purse as she did so. Running to the room, Amethyst knocked on the door, her heart pounding. Hopefully Roselyn's mom was nicer than her dad. As soon as the door was opened, Amethyst smiled. "Hi, I'm here to see Roselyn."

Her mother glanced back into the room. "I'm afraid she's not ready to receive visitors."

"Mama…let her come in," Roselyn said in a weak voice.

"Darling, your hair isn't done or your makeup."

"It's okay. Amethyst…won't mind."

Her mom gave a smile. "Perhaps you'll cheer my Roselyn up." She opened the door, letting Amethyst in. "Do you girls need anything?"

"I know Roselyn usually drinks hot tea when we get together," Amethyst offered.

"Oh, yes, Mama, that would be just the thing. No sugar, no milk. Chamomile if they have it."

"Of course."

Amethyst approached the bed after Roselyn's mother had left the room. Her friend's appearance was shocking without makeup or a wig. She looked thinner and sicker than Amethyst had ever seen anyone. The light was gone from her eyes and her thin hair had lost any shine it may once have held. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm alright. Just something…with my heart."

"You're eating though? Getting stronger?"

"I'm trying. It's…hard…I want to…go home." Her voice was hardly above a whisper.

"I remember how uncomfortable these beds are, but if you eat and get better, then they'll send you home."

Roselyn toyed with the bracelet Amethyst had given her. "You should…come over…when Daddy's not there. We could…have an actual…tea party. I have a really pretty…tea set."

That was definitely not something Amethyst was normally interested in, but she'd do it for her friend. If anything it would cheer her up and make her happy. "Can I wear something fancy?"

"Of course. Perla makes some really good…cakes and cookies."

Amethyst reflected on how much work that would take for Roselyn to sit there and maybe nibble a crumb. "It'll be fun and we can always go for tacos again. Maybe next week after group?"

"I'd like that."

Amethyst kept her company until her mother returned. "I should probably get going. My mom's getting off work soon, so I should meet up with her."

"I'll…see you…next week." Roselyn gave a weak smile.

"Definitely." With that, Amethyst left the room and didn't allow the dread to sink in until she was down the hallway. It was like a slap in the face to see her friend looking the way she did and to know that no matter how she tried to help, the rest was up to Roselyn.

"So, next week I want to start working on a specific routine for you to bring to the festival," Auntie Su told her. "You have the basics down, so you're ready. You also need to practice next month wearing the outfit, especially the tuinga – the crown – that's a balancing act." She pulled the car into Amethyst's driveway. "You're going to see, Ames. Dancing and channeling that mana – that spirit – from all your ancestors who came before you, it's going to give you a sense of power you've never had before."

"Thanks, Auntie." Amethyst stepped out of the car. "And thanks for the ride."

"No problem – it's pouring. Tell your parents 'hi' for me."

Amethyst rushed into the house and took her coat off, hanging it up in the closet. "Hey, Mom, you used to dance, right?"

"Oh, Amethyst. Uh…sit down."

"Because Auntie Su says I have to wear a tuinga and is it like heavy or hard to dance with?"

Her mother finished wiping the kitchen counter and sat down at the table where a small pink bag waited to be opened. "Um, they used to be woven into the hair, but now they're like a hat made of fake hair and feathers mostly – some shells. But, Ames, I need to tell you something."

She knew from the tone that it was bad news and her heart sank as she looked at the pink bag. "Yeah?"

Penina held her hand. "Perla came by today and dropped that off for you."

Amethyst blinked to keep the tears away and shook her head. Even so, her stomach turned to ice. "No…"

"Roselyn passed away two days ago."

She felt her face scrunching up and there was no way to keep the tears back. "But…we were gonna keep going to group together. We were gonna go out for tacos and have a tea party at her house…she can't…she…"

Penina scooted her chair closer to Amethyst's and held her gently. "I am so sorry, Amethyst. It's not easy. Especially not when it's a child. I can't imagine what her parents are…"

Amethyst pulled away. "Her parents were never there! That's partly what destroyed her! Maybe if they'd been around and given half a crap she wouldn't have been starving herself!"

"They weren't perfect, but I believe they loved her."

"Was her father there? When she…went…was he there?"

Her mother exhaled and shook her head. "I don't know."

"And the funeral?"

"Perla didn't mention anything. You may get an invitation later, or they may keep it small and intimate."

Somehow Amethyst knew that she wouldn't be invited, not if Roselyn's father had anything to say about it. "Is this the point where you tell me everything will be okay and give me some parental wisdom or something? Because I don't know how to deal with this, Mom. It hurts…"

Penina embraced her again. "No, this is the part where I hold you and let you cry. Losing a friend is hard and there is nothing anyone can really say. You need to grieve and that's okay. You take as long as you need and your father and I will be here for you."

Amethyst buried her face in her mom's shoulder and sobbed until her tears ran dry. Finally, she pulled away, grabbing a napkin off the table to wipe her eyes and nose. "I don't know that I want to go to the support group anymore."

"I understand you miss Roselyn and going back may be hard, but you will go back." Her mother's voice was gentle, but firm. "I know you will need to grieve in your own way, but you need to be healthy about it. It will do no good to go back to where you were and your appointments can help you through this process." She plucked the little pink bag from its place and handed it to Amethyst. "Perla said Roselyn wanted you to have this."

Slowly, Amethyst made her way to her room where she sat on the bed and opened the bag. She pulled out the bracelet she'd given Roselyn for her birthday…the one she hadn't seen her friend without ever since. She unfolded a note written on pink stationary with roses in the corners and had to fight back tears as she read the words.

Dear Amethyst,

Words cannot express what your friendship has meant to me, but I will sure try.

You saw beyond my family and my wealth and treated like a person and for that I am grateful. I am hoping you'll never have to read these words, but if you are then it will be a long time before we see each other in heaven. I wore this bracelet every day as a reminder of your kindness and compassion…of your patience with me. You helped me see and experience more than my sheltered life ever did. You made me want to go on even as my disease made me eat less and less. I hope you will keep this bracelet always to remind you of me and all the times we shared together. You were truly a blessing in my life and the most real person I ever knew. Never let go of that. Always be you because you are wonderful.

Love always,

Roselyn

She clasped the bracelet around her wrist, looking at the pink rose charm and the golden heart. Roselyn had added a purple gem at some point and it made Amethyst feel as though her friend would always be a part of her. She sat for a long time reading and re-reading the letter before finally tucking it behind the Australian money Roselyn had given her and the photo from the Fourth of July party. Struck with a reminder of happier times, Amethyst sadly smiled at the memory of Roselyn's wide-eyed joy over the fireworks. Forgetting her would be impossible.

Jasper

It was a few days before her scheduled leave that the base got wind of an attack that had killed five soldiers. Jasper was certain she felt the same sense of loss that the rest of them did and the anticipation of the names that would be released. Was one of them someone she'd worked with? Someone she'd known?

"I heard at least two were killed instantly when the vehicle was hit," Matt told her as they sat down to lunch. "Terrorists dragged the others off before they could be rescued. I heard a rumor they were tortured and beheaded. And see, this is why we're over there because these guys are assholes. I mean, they're supposed to help injured people even if they're the enemy. We would do that for any of their guys."

"True, but then they'd still be incarcerated and I hear things about how terrorist prisoners are treated." Jasper shook her head. "Anyway, I hear they're already setting up a memorial. Of course, we don't even know who was involved until they release the names."

"I mean, no matter who it is, it's sad and I can only hope they got the bodies back."

"They'll do everything they can."

"Happier topic – did you manage to buy a bikini for our vacation?"

"Okay, first of all, I'm wearing anything ending in 'ini' and second, my mom says the culture is very conservative, even in American Samoa. So, I have a one piece and I bought a couple sarongs."

"We're a little more liberated than where your mom is from, but yeah…it's still…"

"Same people, same culture, different flag."

Matt nodded. "Yeah. Bring something nice for church, too. My mom will insist everyone go to church."

"Oh, goodie." It was only later on that afternoon when the names of the dead were revealed that she saw his name on the list – Gary McCoy. She found herself focusing on the other names, feeling sorry for the four men who never deserved to meet such a fate. However, there was a part of her that just wanted to scream with joy over his demise. She hoped at least the others had gone swiftly or been unconscious. But him – she imagined the terrorists dragging him broken and burned from the truck, laughing at him while they beat the shit out of him. She thought about them spitting on him, maybe shoving a bayonet up his…

"Terrible loss," a voice said beside her.

Jasper turned to see Sergeant Cordero and hoped her face looked sorrowful, or at least stoic. "Yes, it is."

"Did you know any of them?"

"I served with a Tanner during my first deployment, but I don't remember his first name, so I'm not sure if that's the same soldier."

He nodded. "I didn't know any of them, but I know I always the dread the day my family gets that visit."

"Hopefully they never do. Are you…uh…are you married?"

"Nope. You and Matua have any plans?"

She shook her head. "We've only been dating about a year."

"It's not quantity; it's quality. My parents dated four months before they decided to get married and they've been together thirty years."

"I think mine were together less than that." Why the hell was she talking about these things to Cordero? She hardly knew the guy. "Um, well, Matt and I are going on leave together, so who knows? Maybe that's on his mind."

"He'd be a lucky guy." Cordero gave her a friendly punch in the arm.

Jasper couldn't stop a chill from going up her spine. She didn't want this kind of attention again. Last time it had ended horribly. God, if it didn't work out with Matt, how much more would Cordero pursue her? She gave him a tight-lipped smile and walked off. Retreating to her room that night she looked in the mirror. Why were guys interested anyway? Sure, her body was nice – she'd give herself that. She put a hand to her cheek as her eyes surveyed her uneven skin and her jawline that made her look more masculine, especially in uniform. "I have a butter face…" she sighed. "Nice body…but her face."

A knock on the door caught her attention and she opened it, letting Matt in. She kissed him gently. "You brought dinner?"

"Yep – teriyaki. I know it gets boring, but it's fairly healthy and cheap. You get a raise soon, right?"

"Once I finish my training. I probably get a nicer room in the barracks too." She sat at the table with him and opened the plastic bag. "What do you find beautiful about me?"

"Is this a trick question?"

"No, like what first attracted you to me? I mean, guys end up interested and I just don't see it."

"Who else is interested?" His tone held suspicion.

"No one specific – I was thinking of when I was deployed and guys wanted to sleep with me…why McCoy…why he chose to hurt me…"

"Hey, hey." Matt took her hand. "That had nothing to do with how you look. That had everything to do with him being a dick and I hope that the terrorists cut his off and shoved it up his ass."

Jasper laughed a little. "Yeah, I'm kind of hoping the same thing. You know, I let go of the baby recently – I even told my therapist about it. I feel like I should let go of this somehow too. He tried his hardest to destroy me, but he didn't, did he?"

"No." Matt reached over and stroked her hair. "You're stronger than anything he threw at you and now he's gone. He can't hurt you or anyone else again. You just remember that you are here – you rose above the evil he inflicted on you and you're healing. I am never going to let anyone hurt you like that again." He scooted his chair closer and kissed her cheek. "I love you Jasper. You're so strong and brave…and beautiful."

"Some days I feel that and other days it's harder. I mean, not the love part – I love you, always. But, there are days I sometimes remember the rape for a brief moment and I just think: hey, I survived that and I moved on. And there are other days it sometimes hangs like a dark cloud. Those are the harder days." Jasper squeezed his hand. "But, the good news is that the good days – the ones I hardly think about it are starting to overtake the bad days and there has been a day or two I don't think it's entered my mind at all."

"Don't let it. I mean, I know it's not that easy, but now you can remind yourself that he's gone – really gone and you're here and you're happy. That's your personal revenge. Go on with your life and be happy."

Jasper smiled at him. "You're right. To hell with him. I'm gonna let you take me away to Pago Pago and any thoughts of him are not coming with us."

The warmth sank into her skin as she stepped out of the airport and her eyes gazed over the hills covered in palm trees. She slid her sunglasses on. "This is so much nicer than the weather back home right now."

"November is the start of our rainy season, but sometimes it stays nice late into the month," Matt explained.

A man opened a car door at waved at them. "Matt! Over here!"

"Dad!" Matt grabbed his suitcase. "Come on."

Jasper followed, wheeling her suitcase behind and waited while Matt hugged his dad. Then she went to shake his hand. "It's nice to meet you, Mr…"

Matt's dad practically crushed her with a hug. "It's Iosua, but you can call me Josh." He let go and held her at arm's length. "So you're Fetuao's daughter?"

"Jasper."

"Jasper…that's a strong name." Josh studied her face. "I can see your dad in you, but you look so much like your mom."

"My…uh, thanks." She looked nothing like her mom, but then it had been decades since Josh had seen her mother. Jasper helped put the suitcases in the trunk and Josh told her to sit up front so she could see everything as they drove away from the airport. He pointed out the mountains and large buildings and a tuna factory. She had to hold back a laugh as they passed by a McDonald's. Yep, it was still America. They made their way up a street and parked in front of a blue house that looked much the same as the other houses, which were all painted vibrant colors. What Matt called a village appeared to be a suburban area not much different from home, except perhaps a bit more run-down.

A woman ran out of the house and passed Jasper to hug Matt. "Oh, I've missed you!"

"I missed you too, Mom." He pulled away and introduced Jasper.

His mother gave her a welcoming smile and introduced herself as Sina. "His sisters are coming tomorrow, but it'll be nice to have another woman around the house to help with things."

This was probably not the best time to tell his mother that she didn't cook or clean or have many of the domestic skills she probably should have at this point in her life. His father insisted on helping with her suitcase and true to what Matt said, she was shown to a room at the far end of the house. They had left a few small cones of koko on the stand with a woven fan and a card welcoming her. Jasper smiled at it and dug in her suitcase for the wooden box of smoked salmon she'd brought along with the package of Starbucks coffee. If these gifts didn't scream 'northwest' she didn't know what would. She walked out of the room toward the voices she heard.

"You didn't say she had brown hair," his mother said. "Is she part palagi?"

"No, it's dyed," he told her. "She's not white at all."

"Ah, I wasn't sure because her skin…"

"Yeah, that's something different – it's just how she is." Matt paused. "I find it unique and beautiful."

"Is she planning to move here if you get married? Or are you staying away forever?" she asked.

"Well, we haven't talked about that." She heard the groan of couch springs sagging under his weight. "My contract is up in June. I don't plan to renew. Jasper just made sergeant, so I don't think she has plans to leave and if we get married, I follow her until she decides to retire."

Josh chuckled. "One of those liberated women, huh? You give her a ring and she'll forget all about that."

"She's still got almost two years on her contract, so she's not out till that's over. And that's if she decides not to renew."

"Or until she's in a family way," his mother said. "Right? Women can leave in those circumstances?"

"That…yeah, but we haven't even discussed any of this. I haven't even asked her father."

Oh, she could have so much to say to all this, but she waited a moment as the conversation turned predictions of that weekend's weather before walking into the living room and placing the gifts on the table. "Uncle, Auntie, thank you for your generosity. It isn't much, but I hope you enjoy these."

Thankfully the subject of marriage or kids didn't come up while she was in the room. Their house was small and cozy and the windows were left open letting in a light breeze every so often. She looked outside at the leafy trees lining the yard and the grass that appeared deep green and healthy. A small garden was situated on one side of the yard and at the other corner near a small fale there was a pig tied up.

"So, Jasper, there's a night market on Friday if you want to go," Sina told her. "It's a great place to get souvenirs for people back home."

"I thought we'd also go up to the waterfalls this weekend," Matt suggested. "And then Sunday night we have a reservation at the beach fales because Jasper wanted to experience sleeping in a traditional fale."

Jasper actually had never said that, but simply sipped her coconut water while trying not to make a face.

Josh chuckled. "Traditional – that's funny. Traditional fales don't have comfortable beds and mosquito nets. Are you planning to go over to Savai'i or Upolu at any point?"

Jasper shook her head. "No, we fly back late Monday morning."

"You should definitely visit your mom's village someday. It's a little different over there – more traditional." He set his glass on the table. "Matt, your sisters and cousins are all gonna be here early. We'll start the umu and get the pig ready."

"You guys got a fat one this year," Matt commented as he looked out the window.

Jasper turned her attention to the pig rooting around in the grass outside. She had been considering asking what his name was, but apparently it was 'Dinner'.

"We'll get up early, too, Jasper. We'll cook breakfast for everyone and then get started on husking coconuts." His mom smiled at her. "We'll need a lot of coconut milk and cream for everything tomorrow."

"Um…I've never actually done that."

"It's easy; I'll show you."

She forced a smile. Now was not the time to tell them she hated coconuts and had never husked them or cooked anything using the meat or the cream or anything else. Although, maybe if his parents knew how incompetent she could be around the kitchen they'd give up on suggesting marriage this soon in the relationship.

The next morning, Matt's two sisters and their husbands were the first ones to show up along with their kids who looked at Jasper expectantly. She handed them some candy and sent them on their way.

"You like kids?" his older sister asked.

"Depends on the kid." Jasper glanced at the woman's swollen belly. "You have three already?"

"Yep. Mom always wanted lots of grandkids. Matt always talked about having three or four – maybe five."

"Five?"

"Children are little blessings."

Jasper's mind flew back to her babysitting adventures with Kyle. "Yeah…"

While the men went to work setting up the underground oven, she worked removing the tough outer husk of the coconuts before passing them down the line where they were opened, the water was drained and the meat scooped out to be turned into coconut milk. She tried to ignore the panicked squealing of the pig before it was cut short. She thought about how she'd go shopping with her mother for a frozen turkey and canned green beans, but how her mother would also cook yams and mashed potatoes from scratch. She guessed putting time and love into a Thanksgiving meal was tradition no matter the culture or location.

She'd anticipated the differences, but there was talking and joking and laughing. There were kids running around playing and in the late afternoon, tables were laden with food, Matt's father placing the pig in the center just as a bell rang through the village signaling the beginning of evening prayer. Everyone bowed their heads silently for several moments before Josh led the prayer thanking God for bringing all of them together and for the food. Jasper simply stayed silent. Perhaps she'd made her own kind of peace with the past, but wasn't sure what her standing with God was. She still dreaded the thought of church on Sunday.

"So, you're going out with us to the market tomorrow, right?" Matt's sister asked.

Jasper nodded. "I figure I can get something for my family." She moved her arm as one of the kids plopped down in her lap. He was maybe two, dressed in a sarong and a T-shirt. She wasn't sure which sister he belonged to. "Hi, can I help you?"

He dipped two chubby fingers into the mashed taro on her plate and sucked on them. "Mmmm…"

Annoyance rose in her, but she reminded herself that she was a guest here and couldn't very well yell at someone else's kid. Plus the taro was cooked with coconut milk and had the consistency and flavor of paste, so it wasn't a favorite of hers. "Knock yourself out."

Matt's other sister came over and snatched the child out of Jasper's lap. "Leave your auntie alone. She's trying to eat."

Jasper ignored the sound of crying and screaming as the kid was pulled away. Having five kids was not going to happen and she told Matt this later on as they got a few moments alone outside. The sun was setting and the breeze blowing in from the ocean was slightly cooler. "I mean…we've never even talked about a family and five?"

"Okay, my sister's a busybody. You know what we've said – they're a blessing. And if God gives us only one, I'd make my peace with it. I mean, ideally I'd like more. It's hard being a single child I hear."

Jasper shrugged and sat down in a lawn chair on the porch. "I don't know. I was an only child for years until Amethyst came along. I guess if I have more than one, I don't want them that far apart. I remember being insanely jealous."

"Kids get that way at any age. My sister is two years older and she used to bite me."

"Yeeeeeeaaaaaah, I was around eight. I put Amethyst by the driveway in her car seat with a sign that said 'free' taped to her chest."

"You…well, I'm sure it wasn't that…"

"Bad? You're going to say bad? A police officer drove by. Mom had to answer some questions and once he left I got sasa'd with a hairbrush. That was the day I learned I love my sister. I grew up with two amazing parents and I look back on what a deviant I could be and I don't want a kid like me."

"True, but you're part of a bigger picture – a family and you'd marry into another family. Your child could turn out to be like your dad or your sister. Or like me."

She nodded and leaned into him as he sat in the next chair and put his arm around her. "I'd like maybe two – three if God decides on an extra blessing. I mean, raising kids is expensive."

"True, but if we lived here, eventually, we'd have plenty of help. It's beautiful here, isn't it?"

She gave a laugh. "I haven't seen much beyond the house yet."

"We'll go exploring the next few days."

Exploring and visiting was fine, but would she really be ready in a few years to give up the career she'd worked so hard for and move to a small island nearly an ocean away from home? It seemed there were not a lot of employment opportunities here, especially not for women who she had figured out were expected to take on more 'traditional' roles. She'd overheard Matt's sister talking about wanting to be a nurse, but not having time for school once she had kids.

Back home Jasper had the opportunity for a full military career and – in time – a family she could equally help support. The question really boiled down to whether she loved Matt enough to give that chance up.

By Sunday, she had to admit that the island didn't seem so small as she and Matt had hiked trails and swam in pools below waterfalls. They'd strolled by the harbor, lucky enough to see a cruise ship docked there. "I've never been on a cruise," Jasper told him.

"Me either. Too expensive."

"For sure. I say: 'I want to go on a cruise' and my bank account says 'there's a ferry to Emerald City leaving in an hour'."

Their last morning with his parents, they all had breakfast together before church, which was held in a white cathedral. Though the statues and stain glass windows depicted familiar scenes, they all were created with a Samoan style making the Biblical figures look similar to the people worshipping in the church. Despite the wooden altar being adorned with native plants and traditional carvings, she was a little surprised that the priest was a palagi. Matt later explained that though many Samoans were faithful, they didn't necessarily have a calling to the clergy. "I mean, I certainly didn't," he said with a laugh. "So, they usually have to send a priest from the mainland."

A long lunch followed before everyone finally exchanged hugs and good-byes and Jasper headed off with Matt to catch a bus headed for the beach fales they'd stay in overnight. The bumpy ride took a while and the traditional buildings were much what Jasper had expected. Theirs was an open air hut with a bed big enough for both of them and a mosquito net that could be pulled down over it. "I thought they were round though."

"Some are," Matt explained. "But they come in all different shapes and sizes."

Jasper pushed her suitcase under the bed and lowered the blinds to keep the heat and the sun out. The couple stepped back onto the beach and were greeted by an ocean breeze. A few people were strolling along in the surf and more down the beach were playing volleyball. They walked about half a mile to the next village, taking their time to look around and pop into a supermarket to buy a few things for dinner. "You said the fales take care of breakfast?"

"Yep, the brochure said an organic breakfast at sunrise."

"Sounds awesome." She pointed to a lush island rising from the sea not too far away. "What's that island over there?"

"Aunu'u. It's about half an hour by boat. We don't have time this trip, but when we come back, we should go. It's a nice little day trip."

They returned to the fale late in the afternoon and lay in bed talking as they watched the waves gently lap against the sand. The sun painted colors of orange, purple and pink across the sky, finally finishing with a deep red before slipping below the horizon. Matt slid from the bed to close the blind over the entrance to the fale then lay next to her, pulled her close and kissed her forehead. "I hated sleeping apart from you."

"You think your parents suspect we've 'been sinful'?"

"I mean, I didn't offer up any info, but they're not stupid." He pulled his T-shirt off over his head and started undoing the sarong around his waist. "And now I'm going to make love to you."

Jasper pulled her own shirt off. "It's about fucking time."

Matt crawled across the bed toward her and pressed his lips against her neck. "No, it is fucking time."

"Okay, that corny joke totally just turned me off. It's done – I'm dry and my vagina is shriveling up…" She shuddered as he nibbled her flesh and slid his hand into her bra. "Oh…you just had to undo all that, didn't you?" Jasper sighed. "God, yes, don't stop."

They took their time and Jasper reveled in everything – the soft plop of their clothes on the floor, his skin caressing hers, the taste of his kisses. It was perfect, her sighs complimenting the wind whispering against the wooden blinds, the pleasure ebbing and flowing through her body like the waves crashing outside, desire building like molten lava within her until the moment it exploded. Jasper held onto Matt as they came together, trembling and lay still for a few moments as the lava cooled by the shore.

Finally, she pulled away, wiping her forehead and settling back against the pillows while Matt got out of bed. She gave a blissful sigh listening to the ocean and wind again. Okay, maybe she couldn't live here, but she could see them married and visiting once or twice a year. Then she remembered the price of her ticket…okay, maybe every other year.

"Uh…Jasps…"

"Mm-hmm, what's up?"

"It broke."

Somehow she knew what he meant, but didn't want to believe it. "What?"

"The condom."

Fuck. "I-I don't suppose there's a pharmacy that carries Plan B is there?"

"No. You'd have to wait until you get back."

It had to be taken within twenty-four hours. They wouldn't make it home before then. "Okay, I'm gonna visit the bathroom." She wrapped her sarong around herself and threw her T-shirt back on before exiting the fale and running to the outdoor bathroom. She sat on the toilet. "Goddamn it…"

She and Matt were faithful to each other, so it wasn't a disease she was worried about. She remembered the kids at Thanksgiving…the crying, the screaming, running around, messy eating. She recalled changing Kyle's diaper and having him throw food at her.

After she used the facilities, she wiped until her skin was dry. If only she had a douche. No, you idiot, she told herself. It doesn't work that way. Plus, that's a very bad idea in general. She sat there for a few moments trying to remember how many sperm were released during sex. That didn't really matter – it only took one. She also tried to remember where exactly in her cycle she was. She recalled when they were planning the trip and how she'd counted the weeks on her calendar, relieved she would not be on her period. She knew she was in the middle somewhere. It could be she'd already ovulated or hadn't yet. Or there could be an egg in her right now just ready to become a baby. "Shit…"

Jasper took a few moments to collect herself before heading back into the fale. She sat on the bed and looked at her calendar on the phone. "Okay, I think the last day of my period was about eight days ago."

"Hey, Jasps…" Matt took a seat next to her and plucked the phone from her hands. "I know you're concerned, but why don't we wait to worry until and unless you're late or your period doesn't come."

"We were so careful."

"Nothing's a hundred percent."

"No shit…" She sighed. "Maybe I should look into a different form of birth control. It's just I sucked at remembering to take the pill. That's why I use condoms."

"Yeah, but there's the patch, the implant, the shot, the ring, right?"

Jasper laughed nervously. "True, there's also the IUD, fallopian implants, tube tying and a full-on hysterectomy…"

Silence surrounded them for a moment as he gave her a look. "You may want to back up on that list – we do want kids someday."

When did this become 'we'? And when was he so certain they were for sure having kids? He did have a point that there was nothing to worry about until she was actually late. However, this whole trip gave her a lot to think about once she got home.

The weekend after she returned, she went over to Lacy's, needing to talk to her best friend about everything. Lacy answered the door, feeding Kyle, absolutely unashamed. "Hey, Jasps! How was it?"

"It was pretty and warm, which was a nice change from this." Jasper jerked her head toward the pouring rain before stepping into the warm house. "I bought you a bowl." She held up the carved and polished wooden bowl in the shape of a sea turtle.

"Awww. It's cute. Look, Kyle, it's a turtle. Can you say 'turtle'?"

"He can't say anything with your boob in his mouth," Jasper pointed out.

"True. Plus he's only six months." Lacy placed the bowl on a table by the door. "This will be perfect for your daddy, right? Because he always forgets where his wallet is no matter how many times I tell him to put it in the same place every..." She tapped Kyle's nose. "Single..." Another tap. "Day. Yes."

"Hey, can I ask you something?" Jasper sat on the couch with her friend.

"Always."

"Does breastfeeding really hurt?"

"God, yes, but he needs it. It helps him grow and stay healthy. And I need him too or my boobs will explode."

Jasper told her more about her trip ending with that night in the fale and the broken condom. "I just don't know what I'm gonna do if…if I don't have my period."

Lacy put Kyle down on the blanket for tummy time. "You'll have to decide what to do."

"It's not like last time, Lace. This time I chose to have sex with someone I love. Abortion is not an option this time around, but I don't think I'm ready for a baby."

"You're never ready. Even when you think you're ready, you're not and if you wait until you are, you'll never have kids." Lacy sat next to her. "I love Kyle, but I was so nervous when I found out. I worried Carlos wouldn't stick around and that I'd be a horrible mom."

"You're a great mom. I mean, that night I babysat I forgot to read him a story."

"I don't always read to him – sometimes I'm just too tired or don't feel like it. Sometimes when we're out of sweet potato, I feed him butternut squash instead and lie to him. Two days last week, I didn't turn his nightlight on."

Jasper shook her head slowly. "How dare."

"But, thankfully, Kyle doesn't seem to notice…or care. He's still a happy baby and he's growing and hitting all his milestones on time even when I feed him the wrong vegetable or skip a story time. You'll be a fantastic parent, plus your first one is practice for the ones you'll have after."

Jasper looked down at Kyle who smiled up at her. He rocked back and forth on his hands and knees before putting one hand in front of the other and wiggling his butt forward. She raised an eyebrow as he did it again, scooting closer to the couch. "Lacy, I think he's crawling."

Lacy looked down as her son inched closer. "Kyle! You're mobile!" She grabbed the small digital camera near the couch and flipped the video screen open. "Keep going, Kyle."

Jasper sat on the floor and motioned for him to come closer to her. "You're almost there. Come to Auntie Jasper." She watched as he shuffled his way across the blanket, gaining confidence and actually crawling the last foot until he patted Jasper's leg with his hand and smiled up at her. She raised him into the air. "You did it!"

Kyle squealed in delight. Lacy closed the video camera and sniffled. "I gotta baby-proof this place."

"While you do that, I'll hang out with little dude here." Jasper bounced him. "Yes!"

"Uh, Jasps, I wouldn't…"

Kyle spat up, milk dribbling down his chin and onto Jasper's shirt before he burped and giggled. Talking with Lacy definitely helped, but she was still nervous about the future as she wiped her shirt and cleaned the baby's face. In about two weeks she'd find out whether she'd be able to have the future she truly wanted or if that would be derailed forever.