8
In the barracks beneath the prison, the Sheriff of Nottingham was giving the troops an inspiring pep talk.
"Crime-a-nittly, you corn-fed rock-brains! Prince John wants everyone out in the forest, so getcher move on! Move, consarn it!"
"Durrrr, we didn't get no sleep last night," grumbled a hippo.
"Orders are orders, blubber-belly," said the Sheriff. He cinched his belt with considerable difficulty and put his sword in his scabbard. "Everyone finally ready? Good! Now here's what's gonna happen–"
But what was supposed to happen, the troops in the barracks never did find out, for through an open window sailed a lumpy brown object. It split when it hit the ground, oozing honey, and out poured a dark swarm of…
"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!" The animals panicked as the cloud of bees enveloped them. The Sheriff tried to run, tripped on the shaft of an axe and went down hard, knocking himself unconscious.
As the guards of Prince John hid, swatted or ran in circles, Robin Hood kicked in the front door. He strode into the melee, hopping over weapons or prostrate rhinos as necessary but mostly unwavering in his course. None of the bees, of course, dared to sting him, and none of the guards could focus on anything but the onslaught of stingers. Robin Hood knelt at the Sheriff's still form and snatched the keys off his belt. Then without a glance backwards at the chaos he had created, he ascended the spiral stone staircase.
"Wh-who goes there?" said a voice at the top. A crossbow bolt fired and ricocheted down the steps, but Robin caught it with one hand and broke it in two. When he turned the final bend, he saw the two vulture guards, one holding a spear in trembling hands, one furiously trying to reload his crossbow.
"None shall pass!" said the one with the spear. Robin Hood smiled indulgently.
"I imagine you two are rather tired of being hit on the head. What say we skip that part? If you two pretend to be knocked out, we shall all be saved some pain and effort."
The two guards looked at each other, then flopped over dramatically, eyes closed.
"Splendid performance," said Robin. He placed the key in the lock and slowly opened the great door. Inside, his eyes found Friar Tuck, Lady Kluck…but where was Marian? Cautiously, he stepped inside.
"Robin, behind you!" shrieked Lady Kluck, just as a tall figure stepped from the shadow of the doorway and stabbed Robin in the back.
Robin whirled clumsily, the dagger still stuck between his shoulder blades, and he stared at the face of his attacker. A huge creature, he reminded Robin of the newcomers to the forest – the same pink hairless face, the same hair on top – but this fellow was larger and more muscular than either Marty or Doc, and he had an expression of contempt that Robin had never seen in the other two.
"What are you looking at, BUTTHEAD?" asked the man.
"Have you no honor?" Robin Hood asked weakly. "You attacked me from behind…"
"Hello?" said the attacker as he lifted Robin up by his shirt collar and rapped him on the head with his knuckles. "Anyone home? Think, fox-man! If I attacked you from the front, you might have fought back. See, unlike you, I use my head. I used my head to sneak in the trunk of the DeLorean so I could steal it. I used my head to find the only person with power in this stupid Looney Tune world. And now I'm gonna collect some gold AND the DeLorean from the Prince…two for the price of one!"
He carried Robin Hood over to the foreboding hole in the wall, through which the morning sun was shining. Over the man's shoulder, Robin Hood saw the other door, the one with the thirteen locks and at that moment he knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt that beyond that door lay his True Love. How cruel it was, he reflected, that just a few pieces of metal could keep them apart: the steel that made the door, and the steel embedded deep in his back.
"Why don't you make like a tree," said the man, "and die?" And he flung Robin Hood out the window.
It was a very long drop. Robin Hood had time to die before he reached the ground.