Rachel was eleven.
Rose was enjoying the view from the new back porch, sitting and looking up at the night sky. The sound of the back door alerted her to Sera's return. She set down a glass of wine for her, then joined her with a beer for herself. Over time, Rose had learned to understand the fact that Sera needed her own small vices. As counter-intuitive as it seemed, they were a part of her sobriety, small steps that kept her sane.
"Our daughter finally accepted defeat and agreed to go to bed." Our daughter. It was such a strange concept, but it wasn't like it was inaccurate. "Back in the day, you used summer as an excuse to go run around the neighborhood and raise hell. But Rachel was in there reading up a storm. Ugh, you made my baby girl into a total nerd." She chuckled and tipped her bottle back, taking a generous sip.
Rose joined her in laughter. To think, when they first met, this would have felt like an insult. But she was learning to read Sera a bit better by now and she knew this was just her way of showing fondness. "Oh come on now. This is the same girl who also makes friends with everyone in her class, and wants to be a big star when she grows up. The fact that she's also studious is a good thing!"
"I'm just fuc- Hah, sorry, still working on that. I'm just messing with you. You know me, I'm... obnoxiously proud of her. I stand by what I said. She's gonna be amazing." She held out her beer bottle, and after a moment of confusion, Rose caught on and gently clinked her wine glass against it in a little toast.
After all, it had been a big summer. Shortly after Rachel's birthday, the strange little family moved into their new home. For Rose, the old house had been too big and too filled with memories. And, frankly, too expensive. James had left them money, but not an infinite amount. It made sense to make a change, even if it was also frightening to co-own a house with Sera. But in that moment, sitting out on the porch, drinking together, it felt like the right thing for all of them. "Yes... She really is." She drank her wine and resumed staring at the sky, though in her peripheral vision, she could feel that Sera was still glancing in her direction.
"I know I kinda made it sound like I wasn't going to be around forever. But... I'm happy that we did this. Just a few weeks in, I was so in love with her, I wasn't sure I would ever be able to leave."
Rose quickly drained the last of her wine, still staring hard at the stars. This was not something she was proud of, even if she actually did make what she felt was the right choice. That didn't make it any easier. "That actually brings up something I wanted to tell you... James... had always maintained that it would be best if you... didn't see Rachel. It was easier to just agree with him since I didn't have much room to argue the point. But when I met you in person, it wasn't nearly so easy. And... And I just wanted to say how nice it's been, and how glad I am that I made my own decision. You've been such a big help around here. I felt like... you ought to know that."
Finally, Rose forced herself to actually look back at her. She was, surprisingly, smiling. Quite brightly. "Us gals gotta stick together, eh? I'm glad you did too."
After that very brief heart to heart, they enjoyed a delicate silence together, just appreciating the scenery around their new home. This bizarre new life she shared with Sera. Being Rachel's 'moms' had put them in a handful of awkward situations, and Rose still hadn't gotten used to being called 'brave' or 'sinners' depending on who was commenting on them. There was no easy way to quickly explain their situation. But worse than all that social awkwardness, it was the way those interactions put strange thoughts into her heart. And sitting here having a moment with the mother of her child, they were bubbling up again. "It's strange. It makes me feel weak-willed and thick-skinned at the same time. Like I'm dishonoring his memory even as I'm figuring out how to make my own decisions..."
Sera seemed to give the question some serious thought before shrugging and putting down her empty bottle. "James was always a... headstrong guy. If he was anything like when we were kids, he saw morality as pretty absolute. The fact that you married him says you saw something admirable in that. But in the end, you decided that following your heart was more important and you made the call. I think that's pretty badass, personally."
Like a schoolgirl, Rose's cheeks began to turn pink, and she was grateful for the darkness of the late hour hiding it. "I do believe that's the first time in my life anyone has ever referred to me as... 'badass'. Thank you."
With a yawn, Sera got up and stretched before gathering up the empty bottle and wine glass. "Time for me to turn in. Domestic life has got me all normal and boring. It's tragic really. Good night."
"Night..." Rose called back softly. She opted to stay where she was, star-gazing a little while longer. She needed the space, to think, just a bit more.
One year. It had been one year since James' death. The women had a rather slow and somber Saturday with Rachel. They spent all morning preparing a large breakfast, his favorite meal, enjoying bacon and pancakes and eggs and all kinds of extra goodies. Rachel even agreed to a cup of coffee, though she also had to dilute it with so much milk that it was almost unrecognizable.
In the afternoon, they went together to the cemetery to lay flowers on his grave, each taking time to say a few words. Even little Rachel opted to say a bit, and while it was not as eloquent, it was still an impressive requiem for a child.
By the time dinner came around, everyone was way too exhausted, mentally and emotionally, to deal with another big meal. Rose put together some sandwiches and they all sat together and ate in silence. They all retired to their own activities, and Rose felt as though the day almost hadn't existed at all. Tomorrow she would wake up and the 'real' Saturday would begin. This was just a liminal, temporal bubble where they could mourn together. But no, tomorrow would be Sunday, and the world would keep right on spinning forever. This entire thing left Rose feeling nostalgic, and she made her way to her bedroom to retrieve an old family photo album.
She settled onto the bed and began flipping through it. She stopped almost instantly on the first image and looked at it longingly. It was their third date, where they had agreed to start seeing each other more officially, and their waiter was more than happy to snap the shot of them. It was just about the time Rose sniffled that she realized she was crying. Awkwardly, she fumbled and scrambled to collect her tissues.
It was a long process getting through the album when each photo required a new session of reminiscing. She was only shaken back to reality by a gentle knock at the door. "Oh, c-come in..."
The door opened and Sera poked her head in, though she didn't immediately enter. "Hey... I just... wanted to check on you." There was no point in trying to hide the tissues or the sappy photography, so Rose just had to sit there rubbing her face in embarrassment. "Um, is there... anything I can do for you? Can I get you something or...?"
Rose finally had the presence of mind to put away the photo album and dump her tissues in the nearby bin. She gave another sniffle and began to laugh anxiously. "Um, I've never really had this kind of experience before but... but I don't know if I'm comfortable being alone tonight..."
Sera just nodded seriously with a little smile. "That makes sense. Honestly, I'm not sure I am either. So... well, my door's open, so feel free to just pop across the hall if you want." Her smile broadened a little more, and Rose could swear that Sera's face actually started to turn a little pink as she left.
At the moment, she couldn't think of anything else she really wanted to take care of. Rose certainly didn't want to go back to looking at pictures any longer. Anything to keep from crying more. So she just got changed into her pajamas and made her way across the hall knocking gently at the door. She could hear Sera laughing softly to herself, muttering "that was fast," before properly opening it. She was already in pajamas as well, and it seemed they were both in the mood to call it an early night. "C'mon."
The main light was off, and the room was lit only by a simple shaded lamp near the bed. Rose realized that she hadn't completely gotten over all of her biases, because she was surprised by just how warm and inviting the space was. She expected it to be rougher, have a harder edge. But everything was quite soft and lovely and Rose didn't need a lot of pushing to slide her way into the bed and under the covers. A chill covered her as Sera slipped in next to her. She hadn't really considered the consequences of her fear of loneliness, the terrifying realization that she was sharing a bed with someone for the first time in a year.
She didn't want to let her mind be tricked or confused by laying near a body, letting her imagination run away into dangerous territory. So she carefully turned over to face her, sure that seeing Sera might keep herself in line, aware that this wasn't a sexual experience, though it was intimate in a very particular way.
That turned out to be a mistake, because looking at a beautiful blonde in low light under warm blankets was a pleasing experience. And it seemed as though Sera noticed, because she lit up in another bright smile and smoothly slid closer. "Is this okay?"
"It isn't... not okay?" she offered uselessly, causing Sera to laugh softly at her (though not in a mean way). Her lips instantly began to form into a slight pout. "I just mean that... I don't really know exactly what I'm... doing now. How long do I mourn? How long do I wait? Should I marry again? Or... what if you do? Who would Rachel even go with?" She stopped herself as she realized that the questions were pouring out too fast to keep up with. She didn't mean to come in here to burden Sera with her anxieties,she just wanted someplace to sleep and not feel so lonely.
For her part, Sera seemed completely unphased by this burst of questions. She just kept right on smiling, reaching up to brush her hair in an attempt to comfort her. "Woah there, it's okay. I've been thinking about a lot of the same stuff. Pretty sure there isn't any kind of right answer. But... I do have some thoughts..."
Rose smiled too, curious now. "Any you'd like to share?"
Sera shuffled close once again, leaving them now just inches apart. "Please, stop me if I start sounding crazy but... well... You and I are already making a go of it, taking care of Rachel together. We're already her 'two moms' and it's not... such a stretch to think we might eventually make the leap to something more. Both for her and for ourselves."All the while as she spoke, Sera continued to shift closer and closer.
As much as it pained her, Rose fought all her instincts and turned her head, causing Sera's lips to brush against her cheek instead. "I-I'm sorry. I've never... This is new to me."
Without missing a beat, Sera started to put a little more space between them. "It's okay, Rose, I'm sorry for pushing my luck there."
"Well, it isn't that I don't want it," she quickly corrected. Although now she sounded desperate and confused – which wasn't inaccurate. "I suppose some of those things have been on my mind too. But I haven't had feelings like this before. And especially to think this might be happening on a day like today feels... feels like a betrayal. A-And what if it doesn't work out? What if we have a big fight and make life for Rachel even more difficult?"
Sera slowly started to stroke her hair again, which didn't hurt. "You are just full of 'what ifs', Rose. And that's normal. But try to push past that fear and really think about James. Call me optimistic, but I think he'd be just as concerned for Rachel's well-being as either of us! He might even support us teaming up." She chuckled softly, and for a moment they just looked at one another. "And while getting closer doesn't have to be the only option, it damn sure feels natural. We've fought before, and we're both still here. Jesus, we bought a house together! I just... and you're so smart, and serene, and so kind. I want to keep being Rachel's mother, and so do you. And I think doing so together is smart."
Now it was Rose's turn to move in a bit closer. Her whole body felt tense and tingly. "What about you? Ah, personally, I mean? Compelling arguments aside."
"I think I'd still like to kiss you, for one thing." Despite that, she wasn't moving, almost as if she was waiting.
Finally, Rose realized she was waiting for her. She was keeping her word, not pushing her luck any further. And while Rose didn't feel any more certain that this would be lead to a happy ending, she made her decision. She was getting better at decision-making. Leaning forward, she pressed her lips against Sera's.