11
"This isss a good sssspot to park," Sir Hiss said.
They were all packed in the DeLorean: Future Doc, the Merry Men, and Sir Hiss. They had parted ways from Past Doc, Skippy, the kitten and the aardvark an hour ago and taken a long, circuitous route that avoided the oncoming royal army.
At last, around noon, they were in sight of the castle, which stood majestically by a wide river. Doc parked the car in the shade of the trees. The group spilled out of the car, stretching their legs. The castle, though visible, was still a long way off; the group was on the opposite side of the river.
"We couldn't have parked any closer?" said Arthur.
"Stealth, Arthur, stealth," said Midge. "I'd think you of all people would understand this."
The group walked quietly in the shade of the ash trees that lined the river bank.
"So what's the plan?" said Will. "With the army gone, I say we cut down one of these trees, make a battering ram and storm the front gate!"
"Please ressstrain yourself from sssuch foolhardy thoughtsss," said Sir Hiss. "The Prince may have sent the army away, but he's too much of a coward to send away his personal guardsssss. Besssssides, you have me here. I know a better way."
The river wrapped in an L shape around the castle, and the group continued alongside the water on a leafy trail. Finally, Hiss stopped slithering.
"There," he said, nodding his head across the river at a stone castle wall. It appeared to be no different than any other point.
"What exactly are we looking at?" asked Alan-a-Dale.
"There's a pipe that takessss the Prince's…ahem…waste out to the river. If we enter that way, we ssshall be completely undetected."
"You have got to me kidding me," said Arthur.
"Now do you all want to make a battering ram?" asked Will hopefully.
"We should discuss this," said Doc Brown. A curious look had come into his eyes: a look of inspiration that had also preceded his invention of the flux capacitor and the edible toaster. The group, minus Sir Hiss, whispered in a circle for a few minutes. Then they turned to the snake.
"You're right," said Midge. "The front entrance would never work."
"It's got to be the back door," nodded Sir Hiss. "It will be tight, and it will be foul, but it will be worth it."
"Thus spake my Lady Love," grumbled Arthur. Midge hit him.
They cut long reeds from the river bank and constructed crude breathing apparatuses. Then, under the cover of the shade of the trees, the Merry Men submerged themselves and slowly walked along the mud of the river bed. At first, the challenge was to not let oneself float to the surface and become visible, to keep forcing the body down and trust that the reed would provide all the oxygen necessary.
As they reached the middle of the river and the water deepened, the challenge changed: it became hard to stretch the body enough to reach the air above, even with the long reeds. Alan, Midge, and Doc Brown, weak swimmers, began to struggle to keep their snorkels high enough. Eventually, all three found themselves clinging to Little John, who alone in the group was tall enough to walk through the depth of the river for the entirety of the journey.
At long last, they came to the side of the castle wall. Doc Brown, having had more than enough of breathing through a damp reed for one lifetime, kicked furiously and took a huge, shuddering breath as he reached the surface. The other, safe in the shadow of the great stone wall, did likewise.
"Here it isssss," said Sir Hiss. He angled his head toward a steel pipe, just above the surface of the water. A greenish-brown liquid was trickling out.
"Uggggggh, I hate everything," said Arthur. "Freedom and liberty and all the gold you could ever need had better be worth it."
Little John was the last of the group to crawl through the pipe and to climb out of the official royal commode. Fortunately for him, it was significantly larger than modern day toilets, a vast square stone tank with a wood panel stretched across it (which Will, leading the way, had helpfully punched through). After heaving his great bulk out, Little John sniffed at his matted fur and immediately wished he hadn't.
"This whole idea is ruddy disgusting," he said. "Why can't Princes just squat under a tree like everyone else?"
"You, ssssir, are a barbarian," sniffed Hiss. "This bathroom is the finest in Roman plumbing. It doesn't get any better than thissss." He coiled his body around a rusty water pump and pulled. The group gathered under the clean but frigid water to wash the filth from their fur, feathers and clothes.
"Actually," said Doc, "having everything go directly into the river like that is a major sanitation risk. It's evident that you have no concept of germ theory."
No one knew how to respond to that.
Leaving wet footprints behind them, the group tiptoed out of the bath house and down a long dark corridor. Torches lit the way, but Will put them all out with a pinch of his tough fingers; Midge could see in the dark just fine, and Hiss and Arthur relied on smell as much as sight. To Doc, however, the whole experience was fairly terrifying.
"Down this ladder," whispered Hiss, after several tense minutes of twists and turns. The group descended and found themselves in front of a mighty door.
"This is it?" asked Midge skeptically.
"Yessss," said Hiss, smiling. "Gold and richessss await."
Arthur procured his lock pick and got to work, while everyone else listened for footsteps above. Finally, the lock clicked. The vault swung open…
And revealed more treasure than Doc had ever seen in his life. There were golden statues, goblets, precious gems, jewelry, and piles and piles and piles of coins. "Breath-taking," he breathed. He picked up a coin. "Just one of these will generate so many gigawatts of electricity, it'll make your head spin!"
"You really did it, Hiss," said Midge. She picked a large golden horn and gave it to him. "We appreciate it."
"Well, as I ssssaid, I've changed my evil wayssss," Hiss replied. The group waited expectantly, but Hiss had nothing more to add.
Alan-a-Dale sighed. "Some days, you gotta do everything yourself." He grabbed the trumpet from Hiss and blew a single, piercingly-loud note.
Hiss's jaw dropped."What are you doing? What happened to sssssstealth?"
"Well, we're really sorry to have doubted you, Hiss, but we were pretty sure you were leading us into a trap," said Midge, as Alan-a-Dale honked and blared again. "Since you didn't, well, there was nothing left to do but trap ourselves."
"Are you mad?" wailed Hiss. Above, they could hear the sounds of running and shouting. "We'll all be hanged for ssssssssure!"
"We've got you covered, buster," said Little John. Then he yelled, in a cruelly accurate impression of Hiss's simpering voice, "HELP! Banditssss in the casssstle! Banditssss in the treasure room! Come quickly! Come quickly!"
Hiss was stunned into speechlessness, but all the Merry Men merely smiled, hands outstretched in surrender, as the Prince's guards came to put them in chains.