Your name is Dave Strider, and you are hating this weather. Seriously it's hot enough to fry an egg on the fucking sidewalk.

It's hot enough that you're so damn exhausted by this shitty sunlight you can't even think of a good metaphor for how damn hot it is. Egg on the sidewalk? Shit's weak. Your bros would eat you alive if they heard you say something that cliché. You need to get home with your payload before you lose your Striderisms altogether.

You normally don't leave the apartment when the heat waves hit, but this was an emergency case. You failed to stock up on apple juice. You opened your minifridge and found nothing but leftover pizza. During a heat wave this lapse in preparation is a serious crisis. You need to stay hydrated if you're going to get through this heat wave without permanent brain damage. You could just drink water but fuck that.

Anyways, here you are, walking through downtown Houston, trying to get your bottled ambrosia back to your shitty apartment before your family can rig your room with puppet sex toys again. Who are you kidding, you've been gone half as long from your house and still found smuppet traps laid in every nook and cranny in your room. Sometimes it really sucks being the only Strider without a homosexual puppet fetish.

Your thoughts trail off as you look to your right and see somebody wearing the most fucked up outfit you've ever seen. You hope to god that it's ironic because it's almost beautiful in how ugly it is. This freak is wearing bright red baggy pants, a jacket the color of dogshit, a green scarf that seems to be wrapped around their head four times over, fryer gloves, and like the cherry on the shit sundae, a tall baby blue top hat.

Your opinion changes swiftly from impressed to suspicious when you realize they're walking into a shop in that getup and are perfectly disguised from anyone that might be watching. Honestly the fryer gloves should have tipped you off to that from the start, but that hat just locked your attention like a goddamn laser pointer. Holy shit you want that hat. Where do you even buy something so beautifully hideous?

And while you were sitting there daydreaming about giant top hats you see the snappy dresser has left the sandwich shop with at least six footlongs. You're pretty sure there's no way to make six footlong subs in such a short time frame, so you decide to stick your head inside and see what's up.

Everyone in the shop is asleep. The folks at the tables, the guys behind the counter, that fat lady who was on her way to the bathroom, and now has rolls just expanding all over the place. It's like the bitch is made out of gravy. You think you're gonna leave before you have to bleach your eyeballs.

At any rate you know how snappy got their hands on those sandwiches. You check down the alley they ducked down, and see the same dogshit jacket they were wearing lying on the ground. And just past them is the scarf. You don't make a point of chasing sandwich thieves, but if the disguise is being ditched… that hat… it beckons.

Yeah you're chasing a criminal with access to some sort of sleeping gas for a stupid looking blue top hat. This is the Strider level of devotion to irony. And you wouldn't have it any other way.

Of course you find yourself wondering if you've fucked up a minute later when you see two freaky cosplayers with grey skin and horns around the corner tearing into the sandwiches. They don't look particularly dangerous, but you're still not sure how they knocked out a sandwich shop full of people. Maybe you'll do without the hat.

You step back to leave and see a flash of blue. You're preparing for evasive maneuvers but pause when you see the blue is a bunch of game dice. You watch them curiously as the roll to a stop, and suddenly start glowing. Time to resume getting the fuck out of here.

Suddenly the dice grow brighter, and you throw an arm over your face as they reach the equivalent of a flashbang in intensity. Okay, these guys are bad news, and they know exactly where you are. You flashstep out of the alley before you can get into trouble, and take off for home. Without your shitty katana at hand you're pretty sure you want to take them on. And more important than your lack of weapons is the apple juice, which must be protected at all costs.

Wait.

Where is the apple juice?

Where the FUCK has your apple juice gone?

You did not do something so stupid as to leave your apple juice back in that alley. That definitely did not just happen.

…

No one can ever know about this.

Okay, so you need to go back to save your juice from evil flashbang packing cosplayers. You also need to find that goddamn hat, because if you're going back there you are going the whole fucking way. Without your katana though you have nothing to fight with, which is a problem because you don't use flashbangs unless you've got some sort of weaponry or martial skill to back it up.

Fighting will not be an option. This much is clear. But you do have the advantage of speed. Flashstepping is a Strider original, after all. Okay so it's actually an anime thing, but Striders are the only ones who actually practice it. You dart down the alley and peer around the corner. You see the cosplayers packing up the sandwiches, along with your juice. And the hat is… on the ground next to the taller one. A closer look tells you that she's got some sort of mechanical arm, either a convincing fake or just a fancy prosthetic.

You decide to move in before they can run off with your apple juice, and decide to get their attention. It's time for… a distaction. Basically you flashstep in and take the hat. It gets the attention of the cosplayer with the mechanical arm, but the other doesn't appear to notice you yet. She's wearing glasses and has a cane. Blind? Or just faking it? It would explain the flashbang use if she was actually blind. A capable blind person is more than enough of an advantage if they go for your senses again.

"You know, around here ganking apple juice from a Strider is a capital offense." You remark casually, the top hat already perched on your head. Oh yes this was so worth it the robot girl is looking at you like you're insane. "If you lovely ladies don't put the juice down and back away slowly I'm going to have to unleash sweet fruity justice on your fine asses."

"Weeeeeeeell, it looks like you weren't scared off after all!" The robot girl says with a smirk. "Unfortunately for you Marquise Spinneret Mindfang never lets go of her booty."

Clearly this Mindfang person is going for a pirate theme, going from the stupid name, eye patch, and totally serious use of the word "booty". You're not sure if it's hilarious or sad how totally unironic she's being about this. Either way, you know exactly how to handle her. "Well shit that's fair enough, if I had a booty like yours I wouldn't want to let go of it either. Still gonna need the juice though."

You were expecting her to be embarrassed by your comment. What's odd though is that when she blushes her cheeks turn blue. Some sort of strange makeup, perhaps? Doesn't really matter, you guess. What's important is that you've already got her completely flustered. She likes to talk big, but clearly she's not used to Strider level witty banter.

You can definitely handle Mindfang. She's clearly dangerous, but she's also easily riled up. You decide to focus on the other one instead. She's laughing at your comment and that's not good. Laughing means comfort. Comfort means confidence, real confidence, as opposed to bravado. You've got two weapons at the moment: speed and banter. Far from ideal, especially if the blind one is unperturbed by snappy comebacks.

You decide to prod at them both some more, to see if you can make them slip up. "So, how about it? The juice, or your dignity? Which is it gonna be?"

"Oh my, it would appear that we are in fact dealing with some sort of coolkid!" the blind one cackles like a maniac as her head turns towards you. You see or a brief moment her tongue flicking out like a snake. "How do you intend to take our dignity, coolkid?" Oh man does she even know how that sounds holy shit.

"Well from the way your friend is reacting I think I took hers already." You say with a smirk. You flashstep next to her, just out of reach. "I get the impression it won't be so easy with you though." Blind doesn't seem vulnerable to banter or innuendo, so you figure playing them off of each other may work better.

You stop as eight dice bounce off of your chest. The flash bang dice again, shit. You jump back so that you aren't as close to the blind girl, and throw an arm over your eyes again. Except this time there is no flash. A tree grows in the middle of the alley instead. What. The. Fuck.

"You're not wearing costumes are you?" You jump away as Mindfang steps around the tree to chase you. "I mean shit, usually cosplayers aren't capable of much other than looking stupid."

"Noooooooope, not costumes." Mindfang drawls with a grin. She knows she's got the advantage again, and her bravado is returning stronger than ever. The element of surprise is hers now. "We are waaaaaaaay better than you humans."

"Aliens then. Hot damn that is dull." You jump into the tree and spy the bag of apple juice sitting next to the blind girl. "I mean really, grey skin and horns? That's just lazy alien design. We're talking Star Trek levels here. Give them pointy ears and call them Vulcans, oh no they're not people anymore they're space people! Much better!"

"We're called trolls." The blind troll calls out casually. "And trust me when I say we're definitely better."

"Is that why you need to steal our pitiful earth sandwiches?" You jump to her side. "I mean I can understand stealing apple juice because apple juice is the best fucking thing ever, but that sandwich shop was pretty shitty."

There it is. The blind girl is off guard for the first time you've seen. She's clearly a tough girl; her blindness doesn't seem to faze her. But this is a vulnerability that she can't fight past. "Even alien girls need to eat." She smiles ruefully as she turns to face you. You suddenly feel like the bad guy here.

Mindfang rushes back around the tree and gets between the two of you, head pointed down defensively. You step back, eying the girl's horns warily. "Okay shit, look, clearly we got off on the wrong foot here. I didn't come looking for a fight; I just want my fucking apple juice. Also this hat. I can't give up this hat, that is so completely non-negotiable."

"Aww, I kinda liked that hat." The blind girl says with a grin.

"That's because I'm the only one with a good eye between the two of us. Three of us apparently…" Mindfang turns to stare evenly at you. "Okaaaaaaaay, so here's the deal, Strider. We give you your damn juice; you agree not to tell everyone you know there are aliens hiding in this city. We're trying to keep a low profile here." She pockets her dice and grabs the bag of juice. You notice she's trying not to use her robot arm.

"Your arm broken?"

"None of your damn business, just take your stupid juice and go." Mindfang snaps at you. You look the two of them over again properly.

Both girls are looking pretty skinny, and while they're putting up a good front you can tell they're worn out. Mindfang's arm is definitely broken, from what looks like gunfire. You don't know what these two have been through, but you know it's likely been more difficult than you can imagine. Your decision is pretty clear at this point.

"Tell you girls what, I'll do you one better. You come to my place with me, get a good night's sleep, get that arm fixed up. I'd offer dinner as well but we've got more weapons in our kitchen than actual food."

Mindfang opens her mouth, likely to protest, but the blind girl cuts her off. "Well, well, a coolkid and a gentleman! I don't think you can fix a robot arm, though. The guy who made it was very skilled. We'll take you up on that offer though. My name is Terezi, and this is Vriska." Vriska groans, as her friend seems to take over.

You gasp in mock surprise. "Wait shit, you mean her name's not really Mindfang? Holy shit that's amazing I thought Mindfang was the most not fake sounding name ever!" Vriska sticks her tongue out at you and you smirk at her before you start walking down the alley. "Alright ladies, the name's Dave Strider. Just follow me and act natural, we'll be at my place in no time. And don't worry about the arm. I know a guy."

You pull out your cellphone and dial your bro. Normally you don't bother checking in with him when you're going out, but you figure you should warn him before you bring space aliens home. You don't have to wait long before he answers.

"Dave? The fuck are you dude, I thought you were buying apple juice?"

"Hey Bro. I'm heading home right now, just stopped to do my duty as interplanetary ambassador on the way."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Aliens, dude. Found a couple of space babes and decided to take them home for a good time."

"You're bringing home space aliens."

"That's right bro, so get out the good napkins, set up some doilies, and get some pants for your damn puppets, I don't want you embarrassing the human race with your pornography."

"Fuck off little man, you're the only one in my house who likes women anyways. So you can impress them on your own."

"Whatever dude, I'll be there in five." You hang up with a chuckle and turn back to the girls. "Alright, we're all clear on my end, let's get moving before my family can trash the house."

Terezi and Vriska follow closely, Terezi tapping along with her cane, and Vriska glaring at anyone who looks twice. You're not entirely sure about the logic behind inviting space aliens into your home, but whatever. This promises to be too entertaining for you to pass up.

You can only imagine what John will have to say about this.

Notes:

I originally just thought of the top hat as a way to cove Vriska's horns, but when I thought of how Dave is, I knew he'd want the thing by virtue of it's sheer ugliness and ironic potential. And from there this chapter more or less wrote itself.