AN: Whoops, totally fell behind on transferring this, sorry folks. I'll just remind you all in case you've been patiently waiting for more of this, the story is finished on AO3. I'll try to be better about posting the chapters here, just want you all to know that's a thing.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo on board ALL ABOARD THE CULLING TRAIN
CG: ALL RIGHT FUCKERS; LET'S GET THIS SHIT SHOW STARTED.
CG: NOW, BEFORE I GET TO THE IMPORTANT SHIT, LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR SINCE HALF OF YOU DUMBASSES WON'T REALIZE FROM THE TITLE THAT SHIT'S SERIOUS.
CG: THIS MEMO HAS BEEN PROOFED BY SOLLUX, SO NO INFORMATION CAN GET OUT.
CG: WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS MEMO STAYS IN THIS MEMO, BECAUSE IF IT DOESN'T WE'RE ALL FUCKING DEAD.
CG: AND YES, I AM BEING LITERAL HERE.
CG: WHICH IS WHY I'VE ALLOWED ONLY PEOPLE I'M SURE I CAN TRUST TO JOIN THE MEMO.
CG: WHICH I GUESS IS EVERYONE I KNOW, PRETTY MUCH.
CG: PLUS EQUIUS AND VRISKA, BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING IMBECILE, AND BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE SEEM TO THINK THEY SHOULD BE INVOLVED.
CG: SERIOUSLY, WHY DO I EVEN KNOW YOU PEOPLE, YOU'RE ALL INSANE, AND I'M INSANE FOR EVEN ASSOCIATING MYSELF WITH YOU PEOPLE
twinArmageddons [TA] responded to memo.
TA: holy fuck KK, ju2t get 2 the poiint.
CG: OKAY, FAIR ENOUGH.
CG: LORD KNOWS IT'S NOT THE TIME FOR MY SELF-DEPRECIATING BULLSHIT.
CG: ALL RIGHT, SO HERE'S THE DEAL.
CG: AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN, THIS DOES NOT GET OUT.
CG: SOLLUX AND I HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT THE CULLING DRONES THAT ARE COMING AT THE END OF THE SWEEP.
CG: I CAN SAFELY SAY I WON'T SURVIVE THEM.
CG: WHEN THEY FIND ME I AM FUCKED, END OF STORY.
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to memo.
GA: This Is Troubling News
GA: Why Are You So Assured Of Your Imminent Culling
GA: Question Mark
CG: …
CG: I CAN'T SAY.
CG: LOOK, IT'S NOT LIKE I DON'T TRUST YOU GUYS, OBVIOUSLY, OR ELSE YOU WOULDN'T FUCKING BE HERE.
CG: BUT THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I FEEL COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT.
CG: SO I'M NOT GOING TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT.
GA: Fair Enough
GA: My Apologies For Prying
arachnidsGrip [AG] responded to memo.
AG: Oh coooooooome oooooooon!
AG: Are we really just gonna let Karkat drag us on a suicide mission without telling us why?
AG: I don't think so!
AG: Come oooooooon, Karkat, the people demand answers!
CG: I'D BAN YOU, BUT YOU'D PROBABLY TURN ME IN TO GET REVENGE.
CG: REGARDLESS, FUCK YOU.
CG: I'M GOING TO BE CULLED, THERE'S YOUR FUCKING ANSWER.
CG: THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GETTING.
cuttlefishCuller [CC] responded to memo.
CC: Are you shore you don't want to talk about it?
CC: This sounds reelly serious, Karkrab!
CG: DIDN'T I SAY THIS AT THE START OF THE MEMO?
CG: THIS IS FUCKING SERIOUS.
CG: THIS IS THE MOST SERIOUS SHIT I'VE EVER HAD TO TALK ABOUT.
CG: SOLLUX AND I ARE PLANNING TO FLEE ALTERNIA.
CG: WE'RE GOING ROGUE.
arsenicCatnip [AC] responded to memo.
centaursTesticle [CT] responded to memo.
adiosToreador responded to memo.
gallowsCalibrator [GC] responded to memo.
CG: OH FUCK, HERE WE GO.
caligulasAquarium [CA] responded to memo.
apocalypseArisen [AA] responded to memo.
AC: :33 Karkitty, you can't!
AT: aRE yOU, sURE tHAT iS a gOOD, iDEA?
CA: wwhat the fuck?
CA: this better be a fuckin joke
GA: This Strikes Me As A Terrible Idea
CT: D-So you seek e on your own terms
CT: D- A respectable venture, certainly
CG: OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
CG: IN CASE THIS WASN'T CLEAR, IT'S MY ONLY OPTION IF I WANT TO LIVE.
TA: not 2 mentiion my only optiion that doe2n't iinvolve 2pendiing the re2t of my liife piiloting an iimperiial flag2hip
CG: RIGHT, THAT TOO.
CG: ANYWAYS, HERE'S THE PLAN…
Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you are waking up from a terrible dream. You've been replaying the mess of the last sweep in your head for ages now, but that one was particularly vivid. The start of the period in your life when you decided that rather than die quietly you'd drag your friends down with you.
Sometimes you long to be six sweeps again, planning on a way to become a threshecutioner despite your condition. Those nights weren't exactly great, but at least you had hope back then. Nowadays your only hope is that you're not fucking things up by carrying on living.
Looking around the room you've found yourself in, you can't help but feel that you've failed in that regard. The fact that you're in a room at all is troubling, but to see one filled with movie posters reminds you enough of home to feel like a slap in the face.
You struggle to your feet and realize that your body feels weak enough to be all but useless. You try to stand up from the sleeping block you were lying on, but your knees buckle immediately and you fall to the ground with a lot of flailing and cursing. The movement causes you to feel downright nauseous as well, and it's all you can do to keep from throwing up.
You curl into your stomach with a groan, and try to focus on not throwing up whatever meager substance remains in your body. And that's when John Egbert walks into the room and everything that happened before you lost your consciousness comes back.
"Oh wow, you probably shouldn't be moving right now, Karkat!" John's cheerful voice cuts through your head like a knife. "It's great to see you finally awake though! Are you feeling okay?"
"No, I am not feeling okay, Egbert, I'm lying in a respite block I don't recognize, I feel like I'm going to throw up, and I'm probably going to get you all killed just by staying here." You hiss out the words with as much venom as you can muster.
John picks you up effortlessly and sets you back in the sleeping block, much to your annoyance. He grabs a cup of water and hands it to you, and you become suddenly aware of how dehydrated you are. You drain the water, and find yourself growing dizzy. You glare up at John, who shrugs. "It's just some sleeping pills. You still need time to recover from whatever's poisoning you."
You try to tell him that he's the only one you can see who's poisoning you, but you feel everything going black before you can get any words out.
Three weeks later you're feeling well enough to walk around, and you've now met the rest of the Egbert family. They are all psychotic. Jane has an unhealthy obsession with baking, and wears what is probably the rattiest looking hat you've ever seen around the house.
Meanwhile their human lusus father thing, Atticus Egbert, is a complete goofball at home, and seems to be where the prankster's gambit was inherited from, because the man enjoys moving the furniture when you're not looking just to confuse you. You have walked out onto the balcony and found the fridge just sitting there. When you went back inside there was a safe in the middle of the hall. You had to climb over it to go to bed that night, and when you woke up the stove was in your room and John was using it to make pancakes.
It has occurred to you that the reason they keep doing this shit is because you make such a big deal over it, but you don't give a fuck; as long as they're acting insane you're not going to stop telling them so.
At the moment things seem normal enough, but you've started watching your step everywhere you go in this house. Last time you walked around a corner unguarded you were met with a pie to the face. It was banana cream, and you thought it was delicious, which made the fact that it was wasted for such an inane prank all the more frustrating.
Suddenly as you walk down the hall you feel something tense beneath your foot. You just stepped on a tripwire. You hear a click and look up to see the door to the Egbert attic open up and drop a pail on your head.
Oh HELL no.
You fucking talked to him about this. You specifically told him not to pull any more shenanigans with pails.
"GOD FUCKING DAMN IT EGBERT." You roar out in fury.
"Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!" the laugh that rings out is Jane, not John. You are so fucking done with this shit. You grab the pail from your head and rip it to pieces.
"DON'T YOU 'HOO HOO' AT ME, JANE. I KNOW DAMN WELL THAT JOHN TALKED TO YOU ABOUT THE PAIL THING." You are spitting with burning fury at this point, but Jane seems not to be disturbed.
"He did, yes!" Jane says with a cheeky grin. Oh god no.
"Oh god no." you whisper in muted horror. Then you find your voice again. "No, no, no. You are NOT coming on to me, Jane. That is completely against all that is good and right in the world."
Jane makes a face and steps back. "What? How am I coming onto you?"
You facepalm in disbelief, "What the bulge chafing FUCK, Jane? I thought you said John explained what pails mean in Troll culture!"
Jane looks very uncertain of herself now. "He told me it was an insult about your diet to you guys…"
"We use pails for reproduction Jane." You sigh as you rub your temples in annoyance. "What you just did was like some serious pitch flirtation, and it's downright obscene here. God fucking damnit, John didn't listen to a word I told him."
"Heheheheheh…" You and Jane both stop as a familiar laugh rings through the air. Then you look at each other in horrified realization.
John suddenly floats up the stairs in a rush of windy stuff like he always does, and the most devious grin you've ever seen is stretched across his face. He points at you and starts laughing openly. "I heard every word you said, Karkat!" He declares triumphantly. "I simply lied to Jane to put you both in this situation, thereby putting you both in a horrible and awkward situation!"
You hate Egberts.
"JOHN." Jane yells out angrily and runs at her brother, but he floats out of reach with a laugh. "I'm going to make you regret this!"
Suddenly the voice of Mr. Egbert calls out from the kitchen, "Well done John, you've finally achieved the prankster's gambit over your sister! I'm so proud of you!"
"Thanks dad!"
You hate Egberts so much.
Your name is Dirk Strider, and you are trying to figure out what to do next. You've spent the better part of two weeks helping some trolls that the Lalonde family found, so that you can make their dead ghost friend a new body. And last night, after draining half of Equius' blood to make that body function properly, despite him recovering from serious injuries, you finished that body.
Five minutes later though when the ghost attempted to make the body work, she decided using a robot for a body was too fucked up for her and decided to trash the house in protest. She came back several hours later, repaired the house as best as she could with telekinesis, and apologized for reacting the way she did. But that doesn't change the fact that she is without a body, and you need to come up with a new plan. Striders don't give up before the job is done.
Also brainstorming with you is Mrs. Lalonde, Kanaya, and Rose. At this point though you feel that brainstorming is a poor word for it. Nobody is saying a goddamn thing in this room except for Hal, and you think he's just sending you random messages to annoy you, because his main program is still running at home.
AR: Flesh is overrated anyways.
Yup, that's the third time he's sent that particular gem to you, part of some stupid ironic bullshit routine where he says things almost relevant so that he can trick you into thinking he's helping. You get seriously tired of his crap sometimes.
A noise comes from behind you and everyone looks up. Equius drags himself into the room past you and collapses into a chair. "I have spoken with Aradia. She feels that the robot body didn't work because her spirit is incompatible with my blood. This means our only choices are to either wait for her soul to deteriorate further and try again, or find an alternate means of creating a body for her."
Even to somebody like you, who can't really figure out emotions on a good day, it's pretty damn clear to you that this guy is at the end of his rope. You can understand that, really. It was you who took his blood, after all. Kanaya wanted to take his place, since it was her fault for drinking all the blood he'd saved up, but Equius was very insistent that the machinery would work best with his blood, something to do with consistency.
He's not determined any more. Rather, he looks defeated, which you don't think suits him. You liked that look of stern, quiet, stubbornness much more. Hell, if he wasn't so clearly in love with this ghost chick, you might consider him as boyfriend material. You have to respect a fellow man with a fine appreciation of horses and robots.
But you still have other plans on that front. And you'd have to be a damn fool to let Jake English's fine ass leave you by without going for it.
Okay, your train of thought has completely derailed. All of the shit you were supposed to be thinking of is now lying dead in the burning mess that is your mind, a crapload of important things now left corpses by the obstruction that is English booty. Time to focus.
"So, I'm assuming there's no viable way to Frankenstein up a new body for Aradia?" You ask aloud, looking towards the other end of the room.
"I considered that," Rose replies with a frown, surprising absolutely nobody in the room. "But if the robot with troll blood was too different for Aradia, I highly doubt a body made of human remains would suffice. We would require troll bodies for such an endeavor. Troll bodies of the same blood type, no less. And the only maroon-blooded troll to come near Earth is Aradia herself."
Mrs. Lalonde frowns at this, looking at her daughter and shaking her head in disbelief. "What sort of television has Roxy been letting you watch?"
Rose's reply of 'you'd know if you weren't always at the lab, mother!' goes unheeded as her mother continues. "At any rate, as I understand it, there is no trace of Aradia's body. If we had some sort of DNA, we'd be able to clone her a new body, but without any remains that route is closed to us."
You nod grimly. Then stop as you realize this rings a bell to you. You're trying to jog your memory when Hal sends you another message.
AR: Okay, this is actually me this time; I've been listening in a bit so I don't miss anything important.
AR: I know you're reminded of something here too, since you're me and all.
AR: But since I'm a computer, I'm obviously way better at remembering inane shit than you, so as usual your glasses are here to show you up.
AR: Vriska was rambling about this.
AR: One of her self-indulgent stories about how awesome she is, the ones she obviously embellishes so we can't hear about the times when she trips over her fake arm and shit.
AR: Anyways, she definitely said that the Scratch dude was getting all worked up at some point because he found some hair or something that didn't belong to any of the not dead trolls.
AR: In other words, the government has DNA from all twelve trolls.
AR: Boom. Who's the man? Not me, that's for fucking sure, I'm glasses.
You have to let a bemused smile slip at this one. "Thanks, Hal."
AR: You got it, me.
AR: Want to see me do some more tricks?
AR: 1+1=2
AR: Hot damn, do you see that math?
AR: I just mathed the shit out of that equation.
AR: All the lady calculators are swooning right now.
AR: They want to have my computer babies.
And he's being an insufferable little shit again. Time to tune him out and pass the useful info along to the rest of the table, who are looking at you in various states of confusion. "Alright, so Hal says that the asshole who locked you trolls up has DNA from all twelve of you guys. That base he was at probably has everything we need to science up a new body for ghost-troll."
"A dead end, then." Kanaya replies bitterly. "That base was well fortified, and is likely even more so since our escape."
Equius stands up shakily, "I will go. I have the power to enter that base, no matter how well they have fortified."
Were he at full strength, you'd be inclined to agree. You've seen him break things around the house accidentally with the slightest touch. If he were to actually attempt to break something you have little doubt it would be obliterated. As he is now though…
"Equius, you are barely capable of walking." Kanaya looks over at him sternly. "Should you attempt an attack of that magnitude it will almost certainly end in your death."
"Who, then?" Equius snarls, and you notice the others moving back. "I am the only one who has a chance at getting what we need and getting out."
"Not necessarily." You smile grimly. "I can get in and out before they know I'm there. I've already put too much energy into this project to let the fun part slip by."
"You're such an energetic and fun loving guy, after all." Rose says with a smirk.
"Damn right." You get up. "I'm going to call home and get some info from Terezi. She'll know the layout of that place better than anyone."
"I would consult with Nepeta as well, she helped make the map we had of the compound." Equius adds with a sigh. "And when you've done that, I would appreciate it if you would send her to see me."
"Yeah, I'll do that." you nod firmly and walk out of the room. You don't want to stick around much, especially since Rue has a look on her face that tells you she doesn't want you anywhere near Doctor Scratch. Well too bad for her. You don't care if they used to work together, if she really wanted your group to pay her any mind, she'd elaborate on that more. It's times like this that you can see all too clearly where Rose gets her personality.
Several hours later you feel like you're ready to go. You're heading for the front door when the sound of voices catches your attention. Equius and Nepeta seem to be talking about something serious. Considering Equius' attitude earlier, you decide to eavesdrop.
"I can't just leave you Equius!"
"It is no trouble, Nepeta. I will be safe here. Besides, I know how much he means to you."
"You mean more to me!"
"And you mean more to me that anyone else as well. Which is why I can't in good conscience hold you back in such a way. My health is well looked after, and Strider is looking after Aradia's situation. There is no reason for you to be held back in this way while your matesprit is out there alone."
"He's not my Matesprit! And you need a moirail, especially after what happened yesterday!"
"I will feel better once Aradia is well. Until then, I regret to say I will be uneasy despite your best efforts. You however, will be upset regardless."
"Nooo, I'm fine! I won't be upset! I have to look after you."
"Nepeta. You have watched over me ceaselessly since we fled from the humans. I know that I am hardly in an able state to demand this, but I implore you, allow me to see to your needs as well."
The rest of the conversation dissolves into sobbing whispers and calm comforting, and you finally hear the window being opened and somebody sneaking out. It would seem that Nepeta has left the Lalonde household.
You walk into view and see Equius staring forlornly out the window after his moirail. "You're planning on going with me, then?" you ask casually.
Equius doesn't so much as flinch at your appearance, making you wonder if he knew you were there the whole time. He turns back to face you with a sigh. "I have unfinished business with Doctor Scratch. He still holds some of our comrades. I cannot allow a human to go alone while I still have a duty to fulfill there."
"And you don't want Nepeta to be put in danger again."
"She is more than capable of moving unseen. I sent her to find a fellow troll she has feelings for. It was the only way I could possibly convince her to leave me and go alone." His face sours at this, and it reminds you of how you feel when you see Roxy has been drinking again.
"You don't like the guy, huh?"
Equius groans. "His name is Karkat, and he is the one who led us on this darned voyage. He is a mutant blooded rapscallion, and the thought of Nepeta associating with him is… excruciating. He is a foul mouthed cretin, and Nepeta deserves better."
"Are you saying this because he's a bad person, or because he doesn't fit on your hemospectrum?"
"I… I don't know anymore." Equius sighs. "My opinions of the hemospectrum have been inexcusably weak lately. But that does not matter. What's done is done. We will leave now, Nepeta has had time to distance herself."
"What if she's still watching?"
Equius smiles at this. "She would not deceive me like that. She has always been straightforward in her feelings. It's something I've always found admirable about her." He walks towards you, and you see none of the staggering that was present earlier. "Now, let us make haste."
You're still unsure about whether to let him go on such a mission, but AR seems to be listening in again, and he sends a message to you before you can say as much.
AR: You know he'll go whether you say so or not. Better you travel together, that way you aren't both getting yourselves killed. Though you still have a 99% chance of failure.
"Is that right?"
AR: Fuck no, Strider success rate never goes below 4%.
"Four percent is all a strider needs."
AR: Yes.
"Hell yes."
AR: Hell
"Fucking"
AR: Yes.
You smirk and turn to Equius. "Alright dude, let's get your girlfriend's corpse."
Notes:
Typing quirks suck ass. That's all there is to say about it.
Not much else to say here, except that shit hits the whirling device soon. Prepare yourselves.