Chapter Ten

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Renesmee

Dear Diary,

I need to get this off my chest now and what better way to do that (except for actually speaking about it to somebody) than by writing it down? So here it is:

THE TOP STRANGEST THINGS ABOUT MY FAMILY

1.) I have never seen my family eat anything. Absolutely nothing. They sometimes have food in front of them, but they never take a bite.

2.) I have never seen my family sleep.

3.) Every member of my family has an extremely cold body temperatures. I'm talking ice cold skin.

4.) Every member of my family has the same eyes—intensely beautiful eyes that change colors. Sometimes they are a breathtaking shade of gold while other times they are black. Plus, my father, Alice, and Emmett are the only biological children of my grandparents and yet their spouses all have the same color eyes. Was that one of the criteria for their future mates?

5.) Every member of my family has pale skin. Though my skin is also pale, it is nothing compared to theirs.

6.) As the days go by, I continue to grow older, just like any normal person, while my family stays the same.

7.) When I am in school or around anybody other than my family or Jake's family, I have to pretend like Grandpa Carlisle and Grandma Esme are my parents and that my father is my brother and my mother is his wife (my sister-in-law). It has something to do with them never getting older—to the people here, my parents look just a little bit older than me.

8.) I am not allowed out past dark for any reason unless I am with one of my family members or Jake. How many teenagers in this town go out at night and come home perfectly fine?

9.) As I mentioned before, my father, Alice, and Emmett are the only biological children of my grandparents, yet my grandparents treat Rosalie, Jasper, and my mother as if they were their children too. I guess that's not that weird, but still…

10.) I have already said it once, but I'm going to repeat it for emphasis: my family never ages! My grandparents look younger than my classmate's parents.

11.) Jake and his family are very similar to mine. A few examples: Jake never ages. And Jake is always with my family, and it appears that he shares the same secrets. But as much as they are alike, they are also different. For example: the fact that Jake eats and sleeps A LOT. And his skin is really warm—much warmer than the normal 96.5 body temperature. There's something more to him than meets the eye….and I think my family knows exactly what that something is.

I had never noticed any of these things while living in Alaska. I mean, the only other adults I had ever socialized with (Tanya, Kate, Eleazar, and Carmen) had the same exact characteristics. I'm smart enough to know that it is not a coincidence. Maybe if I was smarter I would have realized all of these things before. But then again, who could blame me; I truly thought that adults did not eat, sleep, or grow older. That sounds ridiculous now, but at the time it didn't. It was what I had grown up around—when you are socialized in only one specific culture, you don't think it's strange. It's just…normal. If only I could feel normal now.

Oh, I forgot, there's one more:

12.) My parents are obsessed with me "trying new things" and "being a teenager." How do they expect me to live a normal life with all of the insanity at home?

Love,

Nessie

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"Come on Nessie, we're leaving in two minutes!" I heard my mother shout from downstairs.

"Then leave without me, Mother," I grumbled. I quickly threw on a jacket, aware that even though it was a warm night, being around my entire family at one time would make it feel like I was back in Alaska. I heard my name being called again.

"I'm ready," I snapped as I marched down the stairs.

"Your father's waiting in the car for us," she snapped back, grabbing her purse and quickly storming out the door. I charged after her, mocking her anger. I was definitely not happy with the fact that I was going to be spending the entire night with my family. Nick had wanted to go see a movie, but my parents wouldn't let me skip family time, especially since I had missed the past few times they got together to hang out with Nick. My already agitated mother didn't need to know that a phone call to Nick would be my lifeline when we arrived.

"About time," I heard my father mumbled.

"It wasn't me; it was your daughter," my mom retorted.

"Renesmee, I know you're mad about the movie, but you haven't seen your family in awhile. They miss you." My father's kind voice instantly made the anger quickly drain out of me. He was right, of course.

"They're not going to miss her anymore if she keeps acting like this…" my mother said.

I rolled my eyes, anger flowing through me once more. I hadn't really even done anything to warrant her anger; I didn't know why she was so mad. Besides, even if I was acting angry, I had a right—I did not want to see my family tonight. I just didn't want to deal with the weirdness tonight. I felt sick to my stomach at the thought of facing the secrets head-on; that's what I felt like I was doing when I went to these family gatherings. When I went to see my entire family, I knew there were only two outcomes of the night: Figure out what the secrets were or leave as clueless as I had been before. Either way, I would feel like I lost.

My dad grabbed my mother's hand and kissed her wedding ring. I saw a small smile form on her face.

"How long do we have to stay tonight?" I asked quietly.

My mother's lips tightened, her small smile disappearing as quickly as it had come. "You'll leave when we leave."

I rolled my eyes again as I laid my head on the car door, sighing with frustration.

"Nessie…" my father said in the smooth voice that always made me feel guilty. "We'll probably only stay for an hour."

"Okay," I replied, letting my usual sweetness flood back. There was no point in acting like this; I knew they meant well. They had hardly any idea how I felt about seeing my family, and that was my own fault. I never expressed to them how I felt about anything.

To my enjoyment, the car ride was silent for the remainder of the time until we reached the enormous mansion that belonged to my grandparents (entirely too big for two people, but who cared what I thought…). I hated when my parents inquired about school, my friends, and most importantly, Nick—they were all things that I hardly liked to think about, much less discuss with my parents.

"Renesmee!" Alice, my father's sister, shouted in her high-pitched, sweet voice as we walked through the door, pushing past my parents to hug me. "Oh, have they been treating you well? Buying you clothes?" She glared at my father and then lightly smacked his shoulder. "I bet you have not bought her one dress for a dance."

"She doesn't like dances, Alice…" he chuckled, his golden eyes full of the amusement he always seemed to have when he was around his lively younger sister.

She rolled her eyes and then turned her attention back to me. "We'll go shopping soon. Are you going to prom this year?"

I couldn't help but smile as I shook my head. "I really do hate dances, Aunt Alice."

She frowned. "Just like your mother. Oh, Jasper!" she called after she had spotted her husband. "Look, Nessie's here!"

"Hey, Ness," Jasper greeted.

"Hey, Uncle Jasper." I looked at his eyes, which were a dark black. Everyone in my family, besides me, of course, had eyes that changed from gold to black and then back to gold. In school, I always searched for eyes that followed the same pattern. I was never successful.

As he kissed the top of my head, the anger I had felt coming into the house quickly drained from me, replaced by a strange feeling of restlessness.

I spun around quickly when I heard my name being called again.

"Nessie, over here!" Rosalie shouted, her beauty shining even from across the room.

I excused myself from the company of my aunt and uncle and quickly walked over to embrace her. "Aunt Rose, how are you?"

"Wonderful, thank you."

My grandparents were the next to spot me. "Nessie!" they called at the same time.

"Hi, Grandma. Hi, Grandpa," I said, hugging them both tightly.

Last but not least was Emmett, my father's brother. "Nessie," he said, wrapping his huge, muscular arms around me.

When I was little, I used to think he'd be able to lift a car—he looked that strong. My parents used to chuckle when I told them that. "Nobody can lift cars, Nessie," they would say. But that didn't discourage me from thinking my uncle was the strongest man in the world.

"Whoa, you've grown a lot, kid," he said, measuring my height on himself.

"I guess so," I replied dryly.

Rosalie walked back over and her husband put an arm around her waist, pulling her close. I studied the complexity of this, which actually wasn't very complicated at all. They seemed to fit together so naturally, so effortlessly. It was the same way with my parents; they were completely attuned to one another.

"So Nessie, how's school going?" Rosalie asked sweetly before she caught a glimpse of herself in the gilded mirror that I was surprised she had not noticed before. She began sweeping her fingers through her golden blonde hair.

"It's okay, I guess," I replied, knowing that even though she was distracted, she was still listening.

She smiled. "Your father told me that you are in the honors program. Do you like it?"

"Yeah." I glanced at my father, who was beaming with pride at the mention of my success. "My dad already taught me most of the stuff we're learning in my classes, so it's not very challenging."

"I've told you I can get you into higher level classes, Nessie. You would do so well," my father replied.

"I really don't want to, Dad," I mumbled, annoyed that he was bringing this subject up yet again. My father was obsessed with my getting into the highest level classes possible. I thought being in the advanced program would be enough, but apparently it wasn't; after I had told him how easy everything was, he was determined to get me to take classes with the upperclassmen. But by doing that, I would be instantly labeled as "the smart girl," which I definitely did not want. All I desired was to blend in and try to make it through high school alive.

"You should do it," Emmett told me. "You're definitely smart enough and you'll get a lot more out of it. All of us took a few upper level classes when we were in high school."

Rosalie stopped staring in the mirror to come to my defense. "Leave her alone. She doesn't want to be stressed out with school. Both she and I know that there are other things more important things in life than grades, right, Ness?"

"Sure," I agreed, trying to hide the reluctance in my voice. There really wasn't anything important to me than school—class was where everything made sense. George Washington would always be our first President, ten plus ten would always be twenty, and proper sentences would always contain punctuation marks. Whatever education level you were on, the basics would always hold true—there were no secrets in knowledge. Things just were what they were, black and white. And when there was more to it, I knew I could always figure it out.

As I glanced back over at my father to see if I had appeased him, I noticed that he was distracted now as he searched the room for my mother. I swear he couldn't go more than a few minutes without her at his side when they were in the same room; they were still that in love. I hoped to have that one day.

"Are you going to be all right for a little bit?" he asked me once he had spotted her.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. I'm just going to watch T.V."

He nodded, kissing the top of my head before he left with Rosalie to talk with the rest of the family.

I heard my stomach growl; with all of my nervousness about tonight, I had forgotten to eat dinner. I walked over to my grandmother, who was heading over to join the conversation in the center of the living room.

"Grandma, do you having anything to eat?" I asked her.

She frowned as she glanced nervously at the kitchen. "Oh, darling, I am so sorry. We've been dining out every night and I'm afraid I haven't been shopping in awhile. I can go out and get you something."

"Oh no, that's all right. I was just wondering."

"Are you sure?" she asked, concerned.

"Yes, I promise. I can wait until I get home." I gave her a reassuring smile, and she gave me a gentle touch on the arm before joining in the conversation with the rest of my family.

Walking over to one of the couches, I collapsed on it with a sigh. 'They don't have any food in their house. Who doesn't have any food in their house?' I thought, very annoyed. My stomach growled again. Maybe I should order something, I thought. I walked over to ask my grandma if it would be okay, but they had just started telling a new story, and erupting in a fit of collective booming laughter.

I walked into the kitchen and dialed the number to my favorite pizza place that was just down the block. I gave the lady on the other end of the line my grandparent's address and walked back into the living room to ask my father for some money. However, before I could get to him, Rosalie cornered me once again.

"Come over here. Sit with me." She ushered me to the love seat in the far corner. "Tell me...how is everything with Nicholas?"

"Oh," I said hesitantly. I should have known that out of anyone, Rosalie was the most likely to bring up Nick. "Everything's going great. We see each other in school and go on a few dates a week."

Her eyes sparkled with excitement as she clasped my hands into hers. "Has he met your parents yet?"

"No!" I said, but a little too quickly. "I mean, no, not yet. He will. Eventually," I lied. I had resounded myself to the fact that Nick will never meet my parents, unless they started telling me much more of what was going on. And with the way things were going, that did not seem likely to happen.

Rosalie smiled her perfect smile. "I remember what it was like when I first fell in love with your uncle. He was so handsome; I wanted to spend all of my time with him." She sighed, looking down as she got lost in the memory. When she looked back up, her eyes were filled with tears. "Enjoy this time. You deserve it."

"Thanks, Aunt Rosalie."

"And I can't wait to meet him myself. I'm sure he's perfect for you."

I nodded to make her happy. I didn't know if he was perfect for me, or that I was really in love. All I knew was that Nick was a much-needed escape from my life.

Rosalie patted the top of my hands before walking over to speak with my mother. Judging by the way they were looking over, I was sure they were talking about me. I didn't mind it as much as I usually did though; at least they were noticing my new-found life outside of my family.

I passed the time for a few minutes by watching TV, when the doorbell rang. I stood up quickly to find my father; I had forgotten to ask him for the money for the pizza.

Alice opened the door. She turned back around, a look of confusion on her face. "Nessie, did you order..." Suddenly, she stopped. The look of confusion was replaced by fear as she looked toward her husband, who was standing next to me. I glanced over at him and immediately noticed his trance-like state. His eyes were narrowed on the pizza delivery woman.

"Jasper. No! Stop!" my aunt screamed.

My grandfather, who I had thought was across the room, was suddenly next to me. My uncle's expression changed from intense to animalistic. His tongue was hanging out of his mouth like a dog that had just seen a juicy steak. His eyes were dark and longing, absolutely terrifying. Determination filled his usually tranquil face as Carlisle grabbed him around the chest, pinning his arms back and swaying with him every time he tried to lunge forward.

"I can't hold him alone!" Carlisle yelled, using all of his strength to restrain him. Something blurred past me, and now Emmett was there, holding onto Jasper as well as tightly as he could.

Suddenly, my father had his arms wrapped around me, blocking my view of whatever happened next. I heard Jasper tear out of the grasp of my grandfather and uncle. I heard the scream of the woman as she fell to the ground. The front door slammed shut with a great force, splintering as it did so.

When my father uncovered me, I looked up to see Jasper pinned on the ground by Emmett and Carlisle, who were on top of him. Alice was gone. My mother was looking at my father, a look of disbelief on her beautiful face.

She was the first to speak. "Nessie…" She reached out for me, her arms inches from holding me. But for the first time in my life, I pushed her away. I backed up slowly, looking at the faces of the people who I had trusted all of my life. Despite the secrets, despite the lie, my trust in them had never wavered. Not until this moment.

I did the only thing I thought I was capable of doing at the moment. I ran. Out of the living room, through the kitchen, out the back door. I tore down the back yard, through the trees into the overwhelming darkness that paralleled what I was feeling inside. I heard my family calling after me, but I didn't stop. I kept running until my lungs ached, until I had no energy left inside of me. Finally, I collapsed to the ground in a heap of tears. I didn't make it far; I could still see the lights of my grandparent's home sparking in the night.

The whole ordeal had taken no more than 15 seconds, I would say. But in the moment, it had felt like an eternity. I looked down at my hands, which were shaking, intensifying as I heard two pairs of footsteps moved closer.

"Nessie, please come out," I heard my mother's voice beg.

It didn't take my parents long to find me. I slide my body backwards in fear, pulling myself as far under the tall bush I had landed near as I could.

"Renesmee." My father's voice this time, usually strong and confident, now breaking with worry. "You're safe. Please come out."

His hand reached under the bush to grab mine. I pushed it away, trembling at the thought of facing them.

"Nessie," my father said again. "I know you're scared. But if you'll let us explain."

I collapsed forward as another sob rocked my body. "Explain?"

"It was a joke," my mother cried. "Jasper was trying to play a joke."

"A joke?" I repeated the words, which sounded insane. "How could that possibly be a joke?"

"Jasper and Alice have a dark sense of humor," my mother said softly. "He knew you had ordered the pizza, and knew the woman who was delivering; we used to go to school with her. They wanted to scare your father and I. They didn't mean to scare you, though. Please come out."

Now, it was her hand reaching out toward mine. Hesitantly, I grabbed it, allowing her to pull me out from underneath the shrub. My hair caught on one of the branches; my mother reached forward to untangle it.

When she was finished, I stood up and faced my parents. Their faces were sunken, their normal radiating beauty replaced with worry. "I want to go home." I barely recognized the sound of my own voice, thick with anger and grief.

"Of course," my father sighed. "Bella, will you take her to the car? I will be right there."

My mother reached out for my hand, but I pulled away from her. I turned my face so that I could not see the expression of hurt that I was sure was flooding it. I wished more than anything that she had allowed me to go with Nick tonight. If she had, the secrets would still be there. Dark and daunting, they would remain.

But at least the secrets wouldn't be terrifying.

In silence, we walked around my grandparent's house to the car parked in the driveway. My mother unlocked it, and I slid into the backseat.

"I want to go to Jake's tonight," I told her after a few moments.

"Nessie," my mother began. "I don't think that's the best idea."

But I didn't care; I wasn't asking for her blessing. I picked up my phone and hit the first name in my favorites. My mother whirled around, shocked that I had not listened to her.

"What's up?" said Jacob's sweet voice on the other end.

I took a deep breath. "I need to see you tonight. My mother is trying to grab the phone from me now to stop me from calling you. I need to see you, it's not optional. If they don't drop me off, I need you to come get me."

"Let me have the phone!" she snapped at me, reaching for it once more. "Renesmee!"

"I'll be there soon," Jacob's voice said after a moment of silence. His voice had darkened, low and protective.

I hung up the phone and thrust it into my coat pocket, out of my mother's reach.

"I don't think going there is the best idea, Renesmee," she repeated firmly. Her eyes were icy and piercing. "And I don't appreciate you calling him when I asked you not to."

I wanted to shout at her Well I don't appreciate being lied to daily. I don't appreciate not knowing the truth about my family. I don't appreciate being frightened out of my own grandparent's house into the dark forest.

The words began to come up, ready to spill out of my mouth in a bitter confrontation that was long overdue. But something tugged the words back down to settle into my heart, where they would stay for eternity. Nothing would ever change.

"I need to see him," my soft voice finally spoke.

With those words, my mother took a deep breath, turning back around in her seat. After a few painfully silent minutes, my father returned. He slammed the door with more force than he had intended, causing a crack to run through the driver's window.

"Jacob is coming over," my mother told him.

My father swung around quickly to face her. "Did you call him?"

"No. Your daughter did."

When he turned to look at me, I felt a pang of guilt sweep through my body. I gulped and turned to look out the window, trying to push the feeling away. "I want to see Jacob."

Even though I was not looking at him, I could still feel his gaze piece through me. "You're not seeing Jacob. Not tonight. It's late."

"I am seeing him tonight. I already called him, and when he comes to the door, he's not going to take no for an answer. You and I both know that."

Knowing I was right, he slammed his hands down on the steering wheel and quickly put the car into drive. More pain-filled silence filled the short car ride home as my father sped through the night. When he pulled into the driveway, I opened the door and escaped the car before he could even put it in park. After running up the steps and to my room, I threw myself onto my bed and sobbed out every ounce of pain that was flowing threw me.

I heard my parents knocking on my door, but I ignored them. If I couldn't find peace tonight, they certainly did not deserve it. Finally, after what felt like eternity, I heard a loud banging downstairs. Jacob, I thought, breathing a sigh of relief.

Angry voices carried upstairs, although I could not make out what they were saying. I heard the familiar stomping of his feet up the steps, the complete opposite of my parents light and perfect walk. I walked over to unlock my door, which he immediately threw open, almost knocking me backwards.

"I'm sorry, Nessie," he said softly, wrapping his strong arms around me. He held me for a few minutes, allowing me to cry once more. I saw my father appear around the corner, and I immediately closed the door and locked it.

"I don't want to talk to you!" I yelled to the other side. I knew he was going to be upset-very upset-but I didn't care. Jake is all I wanted right now.

We made my way to my bed and sat down. When I laid my head on his chest, I felt his heart beating wildly. I looked up at him, tears filling my eyes, causing him to look blurry. But he was still my Jacob; some days, the only strength in my insane life.

"You're so beautiful," He pushed a few strands of my hair out of my face with gentle fingers.

Blushing, I turned my gaze away from him. "I'm a mess right now."

He gave a soft laugh, looking down at me with twinkling eyes. "You never look like a mess to me."

I took a deep breath. This was it. For the first time in my life I would actually do something to help myself get out of this constant circle of lies and secrets. I would finally take charge of my future, demanding that I be filled in on my own life, a life that I did not understand in the least.

Jacob would tell me the truth. Maybe my parents wouldn't, but Jacob loved me unconditionally. It had to fill him with pain to know how much I was hurting, how much I was suffering under the weight of the unknown.

"Jake, I…" I stopped, choking on the words: I couldn't do it. My palms were sweating. My heart was pounding.

"Yeah, Nessie?" he asked softly.

I took another deep breath, ready to start over. "Jake, I…I want…I want…" I stammered, the words getting caught in my throat again.

He frowned, his dark eyes filling worry. "You want to go to bed, don't you? I'm so sorry. You must be exhausted."

No, no, NO! I screamed inside my own head. I want ANSWERS. I want to know the truth. How can you not see that?

But I couldn't do it. The familiar feeling of the words sliding back down my throat occurred again. I had thought with Jacob, it would be different. Maybe I couldn't confront my parents, but with Jacob, everything had always been easy. Natural. There was no logical reasons why I could not ask him the questions that had been on the forefront of my mind ever since we moved to Washington.

One thing I needed to do for myself, and I couldn't even muster the courage. I was weak. Pathetic. I deserved every single ounce of this pain that flowed daily through my body.

To my dismay, Jacob interrupted my self-hating thoughts. "I would do anything for you, Renesmee. You know that, right?"

I couldn't even meet his gaze. Warmth filled my cheek as his lips touched it with a kiss. He pulled me closer to him, and I took a deep breath to inhale his smell. Like the forest, earthy and sweet, strong and wonderful.

"You need to get some sleep," he whispered softly. He pressed his lips to my forehead one last time. "I'll be downstairs, on the couch if you need me."

"Thank you for coming over," I replied, still unable to meet his gaze.

"Always." He closed the door gently, leaving me with my head spinning.

As I lay down in bed, I pictured what my life would be if it were normal. A normal Renesmee Cullen. I bet she would be a totally different person. Confident, easy-going. She would have a lot of friends. Many different kinds of friends who she could bring around her house without the constant fear of them finding out how insane her life was. She would have parents who adored her, who would never dream of keeping anything from her. She would have a boyfriend like Jacob, who would not be full of secrets and lies himself.

I bet she would be truly happy.