"Once you know you can never go back."

Other Side by Red Hot Chili Peppers

Slowly, gently, that's how a life is taken.
Glittering gold, trinkets, and marbles. Paid for in blood.

Author Unknown

"Listen to the wind blow, watch the sunrise,
running in the shadows, damn your love damn your lies."

The Chain by Fleetwood Mac

/

The honeymoon was over.

Lucy sat on the front steps smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee as she watched the sun go down over the canyon the next night. It was beautiful as always but her heart was heavy for many reasons. Marital bliss had been short-lived, it was almost comical if it wasn't so damn sad. She loved him, but the box next to her told her he didn't love her, he loved drugs more. In it was a syringe, rubber tubing, and a spoon, and Mac was missing again. She had found it by accident while she was cleaning their room and she thought to herself, did he want to get caught? It was under the nightstand by his side of the bed, he hadn't even taken the time to hide it from her.

She watched as his truck came down the road, pulled next to the house and he got out. He was already vibrating with tension because when he stopped at the bar Walter told him she had called off sick. Once she read the paper that morning and found his works while she searched their room, she was sick to her stomach and not just because he was shooting dope.

"I stopped by the bar, Walter said you're sick, you OK?" He asked, "Is it because of last night, did I hurt you?"

Lucy threw down her cigarette, took the box and stood up. He saw it immediately and before he even got a chance to talk she was down the stairs and coming towards him.

"Are you putting a needle in your arm now? God dammit Mac, If you give me any diseases I'm gonna fucking kill you."

"Ain't mine."

"You wanna reconsider that bullshit answer you just gave me?" She hissed, "We aren't even married a year and you're lying to me?"

Mac brought his hands to her shoulders and pulled her to him, the box dropped out of her hands and landed on the ground.

"Carina," He tried to pull her against him softly, "It's just sometimes to take the edge off."

"Don't try and sweet talk me, I'm not falling for your bullshit, we have to talk about this."

"Fine," He raised his chin to her and she turned towards the door.

"Come on. I got pizza and rented Mr. Holland's Opus, then we're going to have the most important talk of our lives"

"You gonna suck my dick while I watch it?"

She couldn't help but laugh, he always made her laugh, even if she didn't want to, damn him. She could never be afraid of him, not really, not even after what she read in the paper. She had gone out and rented his favorite movie after she had read the article in that morning's paper and saw the picture. If it was one thing she knew how to do it was how to work him.

/

She had followed him because she had to know. Lucy had been convinced he was cheating on her and one night when he got up out of their bed to go roaming around, which he did sometimes if he couldn't sleep, she followed him.

The girl in the newspaper that she had seen that morning, the missing girl; Lucy had seen Mac with her. The woman had last been seen on that night Lucy followed Mac, the night she decided she had to know for sure. Now she actually saw it with her own eyes; before this only happened when she was in California. Whatever he did when she wasn't around, well, she didn't know about it and didn't want to.

Of course, she thought he was only sleeping around.

And now to do what exactly? Turn him in? Become complicit purely because she had knowledge of his crime or crimes. If there was a crime, the woman could have run away to start a new life, but Lucy knew in her gut, he did it.

The way his eyes looked when he had choked her the night before told her everything she needed to know about that. She had liked it, and she liked the look in his eye when he was doing it to her too. They had both cum at the exact same time and it had been hard as fuck too.

So what did that say exactly about him, and about her?

It wasn't just the sexual thrill, it was the movie too; his obsession with the movie called The Vanishing, and good vs evil, all their lives he had been leaving her breadcrumbs towards this one truth. He had been trying to tell her for years. She thought back over so many conversations about human nature and the nature of good and evil; the conversation they had walking home from the bar that night.

Mac had been trying to tell her, and deep down inside she knew this girl wasn't the first.

Lucy remembered the tears that dripped down her face as she watched him sling his arm over the blonde woman's shoulders and lead her out to the truck. The truck she had fucked him in more times than she could count, she drove home blinded with tears thinking he was cheating again, if she had only known.

The question was now, how much did she love him? Did she love him enough to keep one more secret? This was no iPod or money for a car, this was so much more. Once you know you can never go back.

/

Was he a rapist and a killer? She knew he probably was. Mac had a dark way about him that was so seductive, there were times when he was so unhappy, volatile, and she knew now why he asked her that question so long ago. Could an evil man change? Did he want to change? Lucy had been entranced with him since she was a very young girl, she liked some of the dark things about him.

If he was raping women, if he was a killer, what was she going to do about it; because she had to do something. She couldn't stand by and do nothing, she had to stop him.

Lucy wasn't one of those wives who when the police came to get her man and found bodies and evidence in the shed would say, "I had no clue". Because she did, and because she did she couldn't let it go on.

Yet she didn't know exactly what to do. He could be so charming when he really wanted too. And his eyes could promise you anything you wanted and there were things she wanted. She was ready to make another bargain with him, and make sure there was never another woman hurt.

Lucy knew all too well how he was sexually, he had never ever hurt her but nothing had ever been off limits and there was no safe word. If he was raping these women, it was because he wanted to and that scared her most of all.

"Well, what now Luce, how ya gonna handle this one." She had said to herself as she thought about it for hours and now she was going to handle it.

/

/

She held the newspaper up with the girl's picture before they even got into the kitchen. One by one the pieces fell into place in her mind and the picture wasn't pretty, it was terrifying. Lucy could tell right away that he knew the girl, something flashed behind his eyes. It wasn't fear at all, more like resolution, like he had been expecting this and maybe he had.

Mac also looked relieved, as if there was a weight off his shoulders and maybe that was true.

"You know her?"

He closed his eyes, he didn't know how she knew, but she knew.

"I followed you that night, I saw you with her."

Mac just looked at her, there was no point in lying, Lucy had put the pieces together. He wasn't surprised, he was just surprised it took her this long when he thought about it.

"And dumb ass me thought you were just fucking her."

Mac didn't answer, he didn't need to, she wasn't asking a question, it was a statement.

"Is she the first?"

"No." He whispered, and it actually felt good to have all the secrets out with her now.

"How many?"

He shrugged like a little kid and her heart broke for that little kid he was once, that she was once. They had been so innocent then, and now, they were as jaded as they could be.

"I'll help you."

"You can't save me this time." He said with a shake of his head.

"I can, we save each other." She grabbed his hands in hers, "That's what we do."

"Not this time."

"We can leave, go far away from here."

"No, we can't Luce." Mac shook his head and she touched his arm.

"Mac, it's you and me. Like it always was. I don't care what you've done, I only care about what you're gonna do."

"I hurt people, Lucy, women," He reminded her.

"But never me," Lucy replied and realized just how that sounded; she didn't care, this was her life that she was fighting for.

He tilted his head and quirked an eyebrow as they both leaned against the counter.

"I've hurt you, we have what people call a volatile relationship."

"Do you love me?"

"Yes," He replied, "You don't even know how much...I can't even explain it."

"Do you think you can stop?"

"I did for years, then my Ma..."

"Will you stop? Can you again? We could leave here."

He didn't answer and she knew by his tells that he was thinking hard about what to do now.

"Why was I so stupid not to catch what you were saying all those times?" She said to him, but more to herself, " You tried to tell me so many times...Ok, Mac...this is a one time offer, null and void after tomorrow. Either you make an effort to change like we both know you can or I call Harley and you go to jail."

"Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Sometimes... but I love you more." She answered, "Tell me everything. How long have you been... doing this?"

To lie or not? No sense in lying about this or anything now.

"I was fourteen or fifteen ..."

"My God," He hand went up to her mouth, then she looked at their hands and the twin tattoos they had, "Before that night we did the tattoos when I asked you if you ..."

"Yeah," He answered. "It was before that."

"Well, we need to figure this out because I have some news for you."