Feelings Are Weird (make it stop, please.)
Kaldur had some downtime between missions. After that insanity called 'Bialya'- which he had reported to his father before and after he'd return- he got some time to relax for a few hours by himself. The entire experience had been disturbing to him. The prolonged exposure in the desert had shown him a weakness he hadn't thought of before. Possibly because he's never had the need to be in one before either.
What made it worse was the temporary memory loss he had encountered. If it wasn't for the fact he'd been deep undercover for a year before then or had a frame of reference about Robin, he wouldn't have been able to keep his cover as a 'good Atlantean boy'. Even worse than that was he recognized that Miss Martian was going to be the real problem.
Originally, he hadn't thought too much of her. She was flighty, very sitcom girl-next-door type. At least, when you first meet her, of course. He's witnessed her doing some impressive things with her powers. The Bialya mission only impressed upon him that he needed to ensure that she- and by extension, Conner- completely believe he was what he appeared to be.
The question was, how.
Waiting to think about it a bit more deeply, he took to the beach and went swimming. He did this, partially because he wanted to clear his mind, but also because he wanted to contact his father and brother. Times like these, he felt unsure of himself and their presence helped him remember what he's there for.
It kept him from being attached to the people here- he hoped, at least.
Just as he pulled out his com-link to message his father, it beeped to life underwater. Surprised by this, he hurriedly opened it, expecting it to be either Jackson or his father, but was surprised to see his mother's face pop up. Panic surged through him, as he first thought something must be wrong for her to contact him, then he wondered how the ever living hell did she get this signal?
Apparently, she read his shocked expression and laughed melodiously at it.
"Do not fret, Kaldur'ahm." Sha'lain'a said amidst her laughter, "None, save I, have this frequency. Though I'm surprised David hasn't updated it yet, but I suppose he felt sentimental."
When his brain started functioning again and he remembered words, he asked, "How?"
"Oh, it's a long story, but nevermind that." Her face turned somewhat serious, "Do you know how long it's been since I've seen you?"
He thought back, " I-I don't know? I guess, a month or two?"
"Exactly." Her frown made him feel guilty. "Why is it that I have heard talk of you at Atlantis not to long ago but you hadn't the time to come home?"
"I've been busy, Mother." Kaldur's sort of flabbergasted that she's using his secure private line for this. He'd slipped into English the way he usually did when around family. "Father attacked Atlantis and then I had to battle him, fake an interest in a friend to throw another one off my tracks. Then- well, it's been a very confusing and busy time."
"Oh, but you couldn't come visit after your father's scheme went awry and Atlantis was safe?"
"Well..." Fine, he felt bad he hadn't even called her then. Though, a part of him wasn't sure if he should feel pride that she had such faith in his abilities to keep Atlantis safe or that she naturally assumed it was all rigged that way. "I had another mission after that."
"And there will be many more, but time spent with family and friends is precious, Kaldur'ahm, I thought your father and Calvin would've impressed upon you that lesson." She broke off into a dialect of Atlantean he wasn't quite accustomed to but could only catch snippets of 'fool' and 'I should' in it before she spoke again in the formal one once more. "I require you visit Shayeris soon, my son."
"I'm not sure if that's wise. I mean-"
"This is not up for discussion." Sha'lain'a told him flatly, "Plus, whatever foolhardy quest your Father has you doing in this would be strengthen if you did so. If you bring a friend or two, well, it would help your cover, would it not?"
Grudgingly, he nodded but was still uncertain. "Why are you helping me with this? I thought you cared for Atlantis?"
"I do." She said, "However, you're my son. I care far more for you than a city of old glory." She smiled, "Plus, I wish to see you. It's been so long, Kaldur'ahm. A visit now and then wouldn't hurt your cause."
He exhaled, "Very well, mother. You've won me this time."
"What do you mean, this time?" Sha'lain'a's dazzling smile was back, "I always win. I'll see you when you get home."
The transmission ended and Kaldur was left shaking his head. Of all the things that were to happen today, this was definitely not one he foresaw.
"I think we should all be grateful she's content where she is." He mused, swimming back to the beach. "I fear for the world the day my mother decides she is not content any longer."
On his swim back, he pondered about who he should get to come back with him. His mother had a great idea and it would help strengthen his cover even more. The list was easy enough to decide and when he returned to the Cave, he sought out M'gann and Conner to invite them to his home in Shayeris. If only the others were able to handle the cold and pressure of that depth, he wouldn't have minded inviting either Artemis or Roy to join.
His mind stopped after he'd spoken with the two at the thought of Roy meeting his mother and step-father or worse, his actual father. Everything inside him squirmed at the thought and all the embarrassing things that could happen. Maybe he should be grateful that the three weren't on good terms any more. Otherwise, he'd never ever live it down for the rest of his life.
He never wants to go back to Shayeris again. What had he been thinking? All he could do was mentally groan at the political intrigues and issues that plagued the place. However, he's always known it was like that. Memories of his time earlier on, when he was twelve and had come to live there. The ones that had befriended him more readily than most had been those with more aquatic features than not. Tula and Garth- among some others- were the exceptions. Even worse, he had to suffer Prince Orm's nonsense. The entire act was nauseating to watch and perform. Then again, if it hadn't been for his own father telling him of Orm's duplicity, then he supposed he might've fallen for the 'oh so caring' brother routine as well.
Just as well, his father also had muttered about Orm being beneath notice. He could see, amply, why that was. The man, though similar to his father in their hatred for King Orin, was a godawful planner. His entire plan was fruitless from beginning to the end and only achieved in scaring the people. Kaldur had to consider whether or not that was part of Orm's plan as Ocean Master or not. He then had to wonder whether Orm's nature was useful to him or not. Sure, it'll definitely distract Aquaman more but then Queen Mera wasn't exactly a pushover either.
Two days there, and he's never been so grateful to be back on land again. Still, the entire experience was enlightening and it did bond Conner and M'gann to him a bit more. More so M'gann than Conner. He had a suspicion about her but she seemed quite sympathetic to the plight of those like himself there. Though he's not sure why she was so. As far as he knew- as any of them did- she was a green martian. Part of the majority on Mars. They faced no oppression or issues themselves. He could only conclude that maybe she was just more empathetic than most? It seemed like her, anyway.
Either way, Kaldur was glad to be back and back on his own mission. He needed to get back to the mission room and see what other potential missions that the team may be sent on. He wanted to make sure he had enough information he could pass on to his father.
Even as he thought that, with M'gann and Conner gone to school, he wondered what his father was doing with this information. None of it really had anything to do with Aquaman or taking down Atlantis itself. It's kind of strange, but he can only hope that maybe it was for a grand plan to do so.
"Otherwise," He brought up some of the mission notes and other potentials to the screen in the mission room, "What am I here for?"
That's when Red Arrow called him.
This was going to be another exciting day. His only consolation was at least he'll get to do something with someone he considered the closest to a best friend he had. Maybe even a little more, but he didn't quite want to examine those feelings yet. Still, the banter with the red-haired archer amused him. Especially when said stubborn archer finally admits he's in over his head and needed his help.
Always a joy. Really. Kaldur reflected that maybe he had a sadistic side to him that he hadn't explored, but getting Roy to admit that he needed help was always satisfying in it's own way.
The dampener on this, however, was Sportsmaster, Cheshire, and the League of Shadows showing up. Again with Cheshire. He's actually kind of glad his father never introduced him to her when they were younger. Mostly because she seemed the type to ruin a cover just because it amused her. The battle between those two and Red Arrow and himself felt longer than it needed to be but gave him a gift in the form of Sportsmaster hinting at a mole on the team.
Great.
Wonderful.
Just what he needed to add on to the already heavy burden. The possibility that he may have been found out. Robin had already been suspicious about him before, now he had to wonder who'd tipped them off about it. It couldn't have been his father. Jackson wouldn't dare do that. He hoped, at least. Maybe he should call him and ask? He rethought it. Jackson had been injured recently after that..whatever he had been doing in Northern India. So he couldn't have done that.
Then how do they know there's a mole?
"Thanks for the help." Red Arrow smiled at him, and it made butterflies in his stomach flutter.
It's irritating.
"I'm always glad to help, my friend." He was so sick of always speaking this way. He's not sure, but he does feel like it's constrictive in a way. Like putting on ill-fitted tight shirt and expected to wear it for an entire year without ever changing it. It was a boundary, that reminded him that he couldn't get too comfortable. He wanted to. He wanted to joke with Red Arrow the way he did with his brother. Well, used to do.
Maybe he's annoyed because he can't do that anymore either.
"So, about the mole?" Red Arrow walked out of the building with him towards his motorcycle, "What're you going to do?"
Nothing. Kaldur wanted to say. Except investigate who snitched on him. Even that might be counterproductive, yielding nothing to find too. It's highly possible that Sportsmaster was just pulling their tail and planting doubt into them. It didn't make him feel better to acknowledge that possibility either. It made the idea that he was a gullible fool to have believed him.
"I'll investigate this quietly." He said to him, "I don't want to sow undue suspicions among the others."
Red Arrow nodded getting on his motorcycle and paused, "Hey, do you want to grab something to eat with me?"
A true smile eased across his face, "If it's not a burden, of course."
Red Arrow laughed then tossed him a helmet, "Come on, fishsticks, get on."
"Fishsticks?" Kaldur put his helmet on with a sigh, "When are you ever going to let that go?" He slid on behind him, wrapping his arms around his middle. "That was years ago."
"The day you don't go on a rant about the qualities of fish sticks and how they insult the taste buds."
"I have you know, that they are garbage and no one deserves to be tormented by such evil things."
"Whatever you say, fishsticks."
"I know where you sleep. Remember that."
All he could feel as they took off, was Red Arrow's laughter that shook his body. The ride was long back to the hotel that Red Arrow was staying at. During that time, Kaldur was able to let himself relax, trusting the archer's skills at driving this thing. His mind drifted away from the stress and knowledge that he'll have to get back to the Cave at some point. Now, all he did was notice little things. The shops, the people in the streets with the food carts. The warmth of Red Arrow's back against his cheek. He blinked at that one, and tried not to think too hard about how close they were or how comfortable he was.
He shouldn't entertain this. His father had told him, before he had gone to Atlantis, that he had to keep his eye on the mission.
"There may come a time, Kaldur, that...well, a young man may develop feelings." His father had said to his twelve year old self. "And it's quiet natural to have those-"
"Please, Father." Kaldur had cringed at that. "I believe that-um- that was part of my health class. You really don't have to explain this. Please."
His father had thrown him a disapproving look, then sighed, "I'm not trying to do that, son. I know you've studied various things in your classes. I designed the courses myself. Now if you'd let me explain this, I'll tell you my reasoning. No more interruptions."
Kaldur had slumped in his seat then and nodded.
"As I was saying, " his father began again, " You'll get urges, you may develop feelings for others- and there's no shame in doing so. However," He'd sat down next to him. Looked him straight in the eyes as he said this. "What you'll be doing is dangerous by itself. When feelings get mixed in, it changes things. you'll have to keep your guard up and make sure you get through this as best you can. And that could possibly mean hurting someone else emotionally as well as yourself. Do not let your feelings get in the way of the mission. Do you understand, son?"
It had been then that Kaldur saw the haunted look that lurked beneath in his eyes. His mother had definitely left some damage there when she betrayed his father. He wondered about what his father was truly trying to say.
"Yes, Father."
He had only an inkling of it then. Now, he could almost understand what his father was truly trying to say. For the mission, he may have to hurt someone he cares for deeply. It made everything more complicated than it had to be. Yet there's no help for it. It's also something he'd have to admit to himself too.
He had feelings for Red Arrow and he cannot act on them.
His lips thinned in thought for a moment at that. He's not even sure if Red Arrow felt the same way as he did. If he didn't, that'd probably be for the best. If he did...
Again, that fluttering feeling he felt. His chest felt weird too. He wished someone had explained that having these kind of 'feelings' did something weird to your body while it was at it. It's not even arousal, which just makes it far more annoying because that could be easily dealt with. You know what to do with that.
But this? He'd have to figure out how to untangle this mess. It's one thing to pretend he liked someone, it's a whole different thing when it actuallyhappened.
"Come on."
He hadn't noticed it, but they were back at the place Red Arrow's staying at. He took off his helmet too and slipped off the motorcycle. "Nice place. I'm surprised you have a level of taste."
"Can't always be in an abandoned district." Red Arrow fastened the helmets in place. "There's a service entrance we can use. Avoid the usual crowds."
Kaldur just raised a brow at that but nodded following him up to the room closest to the end of the hallway and near the exit. "I'm assuming you'll be ordering room service, then?"
"Yeah." Red Arrow opened the door with a security card and stretched taking his mask off, "Gotta help Ollie spend his billions somehow."
"I'm sure he's grateful for your enthusiastic help." Kaldur settled in a chair near the window by the tv. "He'll most be thankful when I order the most expensive food, then as well."
"Knock yourself out." He called from the bathroom. Apparently, Roy decided a shower was in order. "If you want a beer, there's some in the mini fridge."
"I am still considered a minor." Kaldur got up anyway and went to it to look over what he'd gotten. "I'm surprised you're allowed to drink."
"It's legal for me." Roy told him, "Besides, there's soda there for your poor minor self to drink."
"Ass." Kaldur mutters under his breath.
"What?"
"Nothing." He looked again and after internally debating it for what seemed like forever and considering the last few days he's had, he grabbed the beer.
It wasn't like anyone outside the room would know. Besides, it's just one and he's never actually had beer before. He reasoned, if he didn't like it, he'll throw it away. Either way, he sat on the edge of the bed and flipped through the Taiwanese channels trying to find something that'll be entertaining even with the language barrier. He'd gotten stuck on some show- was it a drama? A comedy?- and mindlessly sipped the beer. It tasted awful but he kept with it. There was something weird about how it wasn't very good but there was a flavor to it that made him want to keep drinking it.
He also didn't think his metabolism would let him get drunk off of one can either. Hooray for Atlantean genetics, he supposed. He finished it, considered the show before him and moved to get another one.
By the time Roy's out of the shower and dressed for bed, Kaldur was half done with the second one. He nursed his drink, watching the red head amble over to the bed after getting himself one with an amused expression.
"What?" See? Obviously he had a tolerance. At least he's telling himself that.
"Nothing." Roy settled to sitting up in bed, crossing his legs while he watched tv. "Just never thought I'd see the day that Kaldur'ahm the Great would actually drink a beer."
"Two beers." Kaldur laughs a bit at that. "And from the week I've been having, I think it's well deserved."
"Oh?"
It was all the prompting he needed. He omitted things with his father and his actual job. Instead he told him- and keeping a more or less proper speech pattern was actually harder this way than not- about the things that happened when Black Manta attacked Atlantis to his mother's insistence on him going home to Ocean Master's attack.
"It was madness!" Kaldur ended up laughing at the absurdity of it all. "I go home for some relaxation time, and I get none of it til now."
Roy hummed, drinking his second one before he said, " Sounds crazy."
"It was." Kaldur figured he'd had enough drinking for right now. The light buzz he felt made him feel lighter in some way. Or maybe it was being able to unburden himself some of his troubles with someone he trusted.
Wait. No. He's not supposed to trust Roy. He's not supposed to trust any hero. Yet, he found it happening all the same.
"Ya know, I should get you drinking more often." Roy considered his can for a moment, " you definitely loosen up more. Even the way you speak is different."
Oh,shit. Had he'd forgotten? He probably did. He nearly hits himself for being so stupid but refrained and just smiled finishing off his third.
"I suppose it can't be helped." Kaldur threw his empty away in the waste basket and flopped back on the bed. Maybe...maybe it's ok to tell him just this bit? It wouldn't be a lie. "I did grow up on land for a short time."
"What?" Roy's brows shot up then he lightly punched him in the shoulder before settling again, "Why didn't you ever tell me? I've been acting like an idiot all this time, thinking you don't know squat about land life!"
Kaldur felt it ease a little, "Because I was still new to the way things worked with everyone and I wanted to fit in."
"I still feel robbed."
He rolled his eyes, "For fuck's sake, Roy, it's not that big of a deal."
"Oh my God." Roy's jaw dropped, "Kaldur, are you swearing? Who taught you to say 'fuck'?"
Kaldur erupted into a fit of laughter, "I don't know, Mother, it must've been a red haired archer that's a good shot, who's been corrupting me."
Roy pointed at him, holding a now empty can. His eyes narrowed in mock anger, "Excuse you, but I have you know, I'm a damn good shot."
"Fine." Kaldur allowed, "A damn good shot, then."
"Got that right. Now add 'damn' to your list of swears."
"Roy, I'm very well acquainted with that word."
Roy crushed his can and went for another one. "Oh, really? So, do the fine people of Atlantis swear?"
"Do sailors?"
"I thought that was a stereotype."
Kaldur sat up on his elbows watching him with a grin, "They swear- but it's mostly sea gods."
"Seriously?" Roy sat down at the end of the bed, one leg curled up on it and the other hanging off. "I've got to hear this."
Finally, Kaldur sat up all the way on the bed, "Fine. One of the usual child-friendly ones is 'Neptune's Beard'. There's a particular person from Posedionis that enjoys saying that phrase often."
Roy laughed, "Ok, that's pretty tame. What's the unfriendly ones?"
"Poseidon's balls." Kaldur began to tick it off. Actually counting them off on his webbed hand. " Atlan's ass. By Thetis's tits."
By the time he got to "Neptune's taint." Roy's just laughing on the bed so hard, his face was as red as his hair. Kaldur decided, out of concern for his friend's condition, to stop there.
"You ok there, Roy?" Smothering his own amusement at this, he scoots down and pats his coughing friend on the back. "Should I ask for room service to send some oxygen?"
"No-No, I'm fine. I'm good." He wiped his eyes and shook his head, "Jesus, Kal, I'm seriously mad I can't experience hearing 'Ceto's clitoris' fall from someone's mouth down there. I just..can't."
"Breathe, Roy." Kaldur's face hurt from smiling too much. It was a good pain. "And I wish I could take you there to experience it too."
After a while, Roy had finally calmed down. He eventually finished off his third beer and climbed back into bed.
"I wish all my after missions were this much fun." He sighed softly, "So, when do you have to be back with the children?"
Kaldur stretched, getting up. "You know, they hate it when you call them that."
"Well," Unperturbed, Roy settled on his side watching him, "that's what they are, aren't they?"
Kaldur shrugged, "I suppose, from your point of view, they must be." He walked around the bed then paused, "But, I do wonder what you consider me?"
"My best friend."
It warmed him in a way. "And you are mine."
That had been said with a bit more emotion than he meant to. Realizing it and embarrassed, he quickly excused himself to the bathroom for a quick shower. Water always helped. Maybe it'll help now?
Contrary to popular belief, even though Kaldur could withstand the colder temperatures or in general deal with ice cold weather overall; he preferred a hot shower the most. Still a creature of comfort at heart, he reveled in the heated water spraying on him allowing his thoughts to wander. He hadn't had this much fun in such a long time. He can't really remember when he'd had fun undercover like this except with Roy for the most part. Everything else was work, stay on guard, pass information here, blow up a building while trying to be covert there. It was honestly exhausting and he hadn't had much time to just...well.. Be.
Which was why times like these were so dangerous for him and his mission. These feelings he had for Roy were going to make him mess up. He could feel that. He's just not sure what to do to avoid it.
No, he knew what he could do but it would be too out of keeping with the character he maintained on land. He'd have to break the friendship he had with Roy. It was the only way. At least, the only one he could think of at the moment. There had to be other ways, but they didn't come to mind.
Stepping out of the shower to use the extra towel to dry off, the alcoholic effects were wearing off leaving him both sober and somber. He glanced at his reflection in the mirror and didn't really recognize himself. Intellectually, he knew what he was seeing was himself. His pale hair, pale eyes, nose like his father, lips like his mother, physique a cross between the two in some ways, and gills on either side of his neck. The only new thing that he had earned after a year in the military and then enrolling into the sorcery school there was the long black eel tattoo that ran from one hand up along his arm, over his shoulders and down the other arm to his other hand where another eel head was. One continuous unbroken line.
His life didn't feel like that. It felt like there were scribbles in some places. Tangles in the line that he couldn't figure out how to undo without cutting it.
This entire experience- living with his mother. Working for his father in secret. Working with the Team. Roy.- it was all in some jumbled up sort of way that overlapped with each other.
Loyalty made this worse.
The feelings he had for Roy made it miserable in a sense. Miserable that he may one day have to hurt him. Hurt him worse than the others and that's not going to be pretty. At this point, he's certain he knows Roy very well- at least his personality. Roy was definitely the type to hold a grudge.
Breaking that- the friendship at the very least- will be painful. But if...if it was more than that?
"A damn nightmare." Kaldur rubbed his eyes but went to see if he could borrow at least some of Roy's clothes. The shirts might fit but the pants would be a bit big from what he could tell. It wasn't the first time he's done this. He hoped it wouldn't be the last.
He looked over at Roy, who'd fallen asleep at some point during all this, and sighed softly. Without thought, he pulled the covers up over him and brushed his hair. He stopped himself.
What was he doing? He's only making this worst. He can't help it though. Kaldur just resigned himself to this and moved around the bed to the other side. He crawled in, keeping a certain distance away as he often had, and tried to get some sleep.