Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, I merely play in the sandbox. I lay claim to my original characters.
AN Updated: Thanks Adam's Gurl for Beta'ing this chapter. ~Hannah
Chapter Eight – Seeing Things Differently
"I can't believe you're still into that!" groaned Bella, banging her head on the lunch table.
"What? When have I even given you the inclination that I was over it? You're just jealous that Dad and I have something in common. You can't win an argument against the two of us."
"Arghhh!"
"I don't think channelling the sound of a caveman is a good look for you Bella."
She glared at me.
"What are you guys arguing about?"
Angela had arrived at our table and voiced her opinions as she sat down before us.
"Please, oh Wonderful Angela, save us from the arguing duo." Said Tyler, dramatically.
Honestly, we weren't even that bad, Tyler was being so melodramatic.
"Ella's obsessed with the supernatural. She used to always write stories about vampires, I thought she'd grown out of it but apparently not."
I glared at her, "Bella isn't telling the story right. I'm not obsessed, I just have an interest. Dad and I watch 'Supernatural' together and she's just annoyed that we gang up on her. I just mentioned that I found some of my old vampire stories and she exploded into a rant about my so-called obsession."
"Why vampires?"
"They're fun to write about. Witches are fun to write about too and fairies. I think I like the fact that they can be good or evil – like they don't always conform to the stereotypical image created by Hollywood. Take werewolves, for example, they used to be depicted as skeletal half-man half-beast monstrosities but now they have become more wolf in appearance and less stuck between images. I just find the evolution of supernatural beings interesting."
"You believe they exist?"
"I believe in the possibility. Bella here would just say I have an overactive imagination. Just because you haven't seen something doesn't mean it isn't real. Besides these legends and myths had to have come from somewhere."
"What would you do if you met a supernatural creature? Say a vampire appeared in front of you, what would you do?" asked Angela.
I pondered the question for a while, I wasn't going to admit it out loud but I had often thought of this in my own time.
"I think it would depend on their intent. If they came at me all guns blazing and intent on sucking me dry, I'd be terrified and try running for my life. If say they came up to me all calm and collected – like I imagine a modern-day vampire might act – I'd be like 'OK, just stand over there while I interrogate you on what your intentions are.' There are different sides of every coin."
"Would you want to be a vampire?"
"I think it would get very boring and be quite lonesome if you didn't have anyone to connect with. I can understand the allure of becoming one, having that immortal life to do with as you please, but again, boring if you're all alone. If I was ever given the opportunity, I'd think about it very seriously because there are a lot of pros about being human that you'd have to give up as a vampire. I wouldn't want to just rush in without thinking of the consequences."
"That was a very detailed answer."
"Well, you asked Tyler. If you didn't want to know, you should have kept your mouth shut."
"Whatever. Y'all have made me listen to this supernatural stuff so now I'm going to make you listen to my news."
"Which is?" asked Bella.
"My cousin is coming to stay with me. He'll be enrolling in school so I want you all to be nice to him."
Tyler pointed at everyone around the table, in turn, and glared menacingly... until he burst out laughing. We all joined in. We'd make Tyler's cousin feel welcomed for sure. We weren't the kind of people not too.
The bell rang and I jumped, not expecting lunch to end so soon. My afternoon classes were boring, Music wasn't until tomorrow and Art wasn't scheduled today. I was going over to the Cullen's after school but until then I was stuck in boring classes where I actually had to learn something. I mean really, who needs to know equations later in life? It's probably something I'll forget as soon as I graduate.
The only positive was that I either had Bella or one of the Cullen's to help me through the torturous learning hours. Swings and roundabouts and all that jazz.
Still, I felt like time was crawling by slower than a turtle trying to run. Time always passed slower when you were mad at it.
Subsequently, my rambles always got out of hand when time refused to comply with my terms.
I was practically dragging my feet when the last bell rang, in no hurry to go anywhere whatsoever. Bella had already left me to wait for the Cullen's. She'd hugged me and told me to 'keep my chin up'; she could tell I was annoyed. I felt sort of listless. Nothing bad had happened but I had an odd sort of feeling in my stomach that was dragging me down.
It was anxiety.
I hated it.
Edward was standing next to his silver car but I could see no others. I cocked my head to the side and studied his casual stance, leaning up against the car in an effortless 'cool' way.
"Where are the others?"
"Oh, I'm hijacking you."
"Excuse me?"
"I wanted to show you something. Alice said that was fine as long as I got you to our house by half five. You still have to work on your art project after all."
I glared at him, my eyes narrowed to slits.
"What if I don't want to be hijacked?"
"Don't make me play dirty."
He took a step towards me, his hands outstretched and wiggling like he was about to tickle me. I squealed and dived towards the car. I was safe in the car; he couldn't tickle me when he was driving.
Laughing at my behaviour, Edward got into the car himself and started driving. I honestly had no idea where he was taking me. I briefly thought 'stranger danger' before remembering that Edward wasn't a stranger…Still, you can never be too careful.
"Why the sudden decision to take me somewhere?"
He looked at me in an unnerving manner that made me squirm in my seat.
"It wasn't a sudden decision; I've been thinking of it for a while. Between your sister, my sister, your friends and the general impact you've had on the school, I just haven't had a chance to ask you."
I narrowed my eyes in suspicion.
"You could have asked me earlier today or even during the times I've been at your house."
He smirked, "Are you going to argue with me about this all the way there?"
I huffed. "Maybe," I muttered.
Being in the car with Edward was actually quite a pleasant experience, we listened to music and he let me drift off into my mind, occasionally chatting to pass the time. I didn't feel like Edward wanted anything from me, it was an interesting feeling. I was used to people wanting me for something, everyone had an agenda right? It was just odd not to sense one in Edward.
He was nice.
A teddy bear wrapped in a serious exterior.
I knew there were more layers to his persona.
Would I ever find them out?
The car stopped, and I stretched my muscles, willing away the kinks that had appeared from sitting for so long.
"We're in Port Angeles aren't we?"
He nodded.
"This way."
He motioned me forward with a tilt of his hand, sort of how someone would tell a dog to keep moving. I didn't know whether to be insulted or… well… angry.
Huffing I struggled to keep up with him. Edward wasn't that much taller than me, but boy, could he walk ridiculously fast. I needed to have words with him about his walking; I didn't want to end up out of breath and sweaty everywhere we went.
Fortunately, it turned out that the place we were going wasn't too far from where the car had been parked. The windows out front were dark, making it impossible to see in. Edward walked into the shop without a care in the world, but I hesitated for a couple of seconds. The only shops I knew that had blacked out windows were the wrong kind of shops. I was beginning to think Edward was some kind of closet pervert when he stuck his head back out the shop.
"Are you coming or not?"
"Sure."
I walked inside feeling incredibly uncomfortable and clammy. I was fully convinced I was either going to be scarred for life or asked to participate in something untoward. Edward was watching my expression closely; I knew he was because I could feel the heat rising on the back of my neck. My eyes – which I had closed tightly upon entry – opened on their own command and I stood stock still, staring at all before me before I took a deep breath and relaxed.
We were in a music shop, a pretty high-tech music shop if the products on sale were anything to go by.
Edward was laughing at me.
"You're an ass."
He put his hands up in surrender "hey, it's not me who got all scared and worried."
"If you're not going to be nice to me, I'll tell Alice…"
The threat lingered in the air and I saw Edward gulp in slight fear. Everyone should be scared of Alice, she was a great person but sometimes when her crazy persona ran through, you knew to run far away.
"This is actually pretty cool."
He was smiling again, smugly.
"I knew you'd like it."
I jolted suddenly when I felt his hand on the small of my back. He guided me around to the CD collection and started chatting away about what type of music was hidden there. I'll admit, my mind was a jumble. I was trying to listen to what Edward was saying but the presence of his hand on my back was most distracting.
He was pleased with himself – what had I missed? – I focused back on what he was trying to show me.
"Where did you find this?"
"You really aren't paying attention are you."
I had the decency to blush at that remark. "Sorry."
"I found this one time when I was here, I remembered you say that you were looking for this CD, so instead of buying it for you, I thought I'd introduce you to the shop."
"This is amazing; do you know how long I've been looking for this CD for? They didn't even have it on iTunes! This is amazing, thank you."
I beamed up at him, momentarily getting lost in his eyes.
It was an honest reaction, he was smiling, he didn't often smile with his entire face.
"Can we look at the music books?" I asked.
He nodded.
I really wanted to get some new music to learn on the piano. Quite often I would learn a song by hearing it but I enjoyed learning from sheet music as well. I found a couple of books that I decided to buy, one of Italian Instrumental music, one of Broadway musicals and another of current popular songs. I was happy – granted I hadn't expected to buy anything today and when I got to the counter and realised the cost of my purchases, I was a little hesitant, but it would be worth it.
However, it seemed that Edward had gotten in there first, though I have no idea how he did it. He was already paying for my purchases before I'd even opened my purse. I was one part appreciative and another part angry. How sweet of him to pay for my purchases but how blind of him to take away my independence. The former thought won out this time.
"You didn't have to do that."
"Alice would have killed me if I didn't pay for your purchases."
"Still, I would have been fine paying for myself."
"Think of it as your reward for letting me drag you here."
"Does that mean I'll get more rewards if I let you drag me other places."
He turned to me, shocked.
I couldn't keep the giggles in any longer and burst out laughing. Teasing Edward was funny because he never seemed to expect it. I liked catching him unawares.
"Let's get you back before Alice blows a fuse."
"You're just jealous that I'm in such high demand."
There was silence in the car as Edward stared at me and I suddenly wondered if I'd embarrassed myself with what I'd just said.
"Something like that."
He mumbled it so low I almost hadn't heard what he had said.
It was silent on the return drive to the Cullen's house. I couldn't tell whether it was a comfortable silence or an awkward silence. I tried not to think about it too much, it would just make me panic and that wouldn't be fun for anyone.
When we arrived, and the car had stopped, I placed a hand on Edward's forearm to stall him from getting out of the car. He turned to look at me, confusion apparent on his face.
"I just wanted to say thanks. I actually had a great time with you today. You aren't so serious when no one's around to see you. I like this side of you."
He smiled but I noticed the difference. This was a real smile, not a smirk.
"Then I'll endeavour to show you more of that side."
I smiled and quietly giggled on the inside of my brain. Edward was a special person and was becoming a good friend. I felt like with the rest of his family paired up, he had been left on the outskirts for a long time, he just needed someone to see him.
"It feels like forever since you left! Come on, our project looks really good and Jasper has even made a contribution."
Alice had arrived in a flurry of graceful movements and practically dragged me off to the art room before I'd had a chance to say goodbye to Edward. I saw him smile at me and place the music bag on the floor by the front door, so I wouldn't forget it when I left.
"Did you have fun with Edward?" Alice asked as soon as we were in the art room.
Startled by the sudden stop, I struggled to get my bearings.
"Hi Jasper, Alice said you'd added something to the picture."
He nodded and showed me.
It was beautiful, a peacock stretching over the right-hand corner of the paper. It was quite large, and he'd used a variety of colours to make the peacock pop. He'd been creative with the peacock's pattern, incorporating hidden pictures within the feathers.
"That's amazing, Jasper."
He smiled in appreciation.
"Enough of that, I want to know what happened between you and Edward."
Suddenly my eyes narrowed, and I gazed suspiciously at Alice. I knew that tone of voice. My sister often used it when she'd manipulated an event. Had Alice done the same with my outing with Edward?
"My time with Edward was fine, we went to a music shop in Port Angeles. I found some stuff to buy and Edward bought it for me."
"And?"
I glanced at Alice, then Jasper and finally Alice again.
"And nothing?! We're just friend's, we hung out, it was fun and we'll probably do it again sometime."
Alice sighed, pulling her bottom lip out in a pout.
"I'm not sure what you want me to say Alice but Edward and I, we're just friend's. I think that's what he needs right now and I'm certainly not looking for anything."
"But if you were looking for something?"
"I'm sorry, what?"
She sighed, "if you were looking for something and Edward was available, would you?"
"You ask some strange questions, Alice."
"Please, will you answer, for me?"
I frowned, feeling like I'd been bullied into a corner with no escape. It was impossible to refuse Alice anything, especially when she looked like a wounded child.
"Edward is a good person; I think under all the layers he wears hides an amazing person. He's the perfect gentleman, hypothetically how could I say no to that? I do mean hypothetically though Alice, so don't go getting any ideas. If anything happens between Edward and I it will be because of the feelings, we share for each other and not for the manipulations of you or anyone else."
I felt bad for laying into Alice, but I hated when people had an idea of what they thought your life should be like and pushed you towards it even when you had no interest.
"That's understandable, I'm sorry, I was just curious. Edward smiles around you, we haven't seen that in a while. I guess I was really making sure you weren't going to leave him, friend, or otherwise as I'd hate to see him lose his smile."
"It's alright Alice, you care for your brother. I get it, I worry about Bella constantly and she me. It's just what happens when you have a sibling."
Alice nodded, hugged me and then became her usual self again. The moment was forgotten but I never forgot the topic of conversation.
All too soon I had to return home, Alice, as usual, moaned and groaned about this fact – blaming Edward for eating up too much of my time. I enjoyed the time I spent with the Cullen's, if I didn't have Dad or Bella, I'd probably never leave the Cullen home, but it was nice to know that I had a second place to go if something ever happened in my home.
Bella had already prepared dinner when I got home and had finished her homework. She was in full mother hen mode when she informed me to 'march upstairs and do my homework', apparently I'd get no dinner until I'd finished it. Even when she was being serious she bought a smile to my face. Sometimes I wanted to wrap her up in cotton wool and just keep her the way she was. Change was something we both found hard to adjust too.
I'd just finished my last gruelling equation when Bella knocked on my door. She was holding the phone, which she then held out to me.
"It's Mum," she mouthed.
I shook my head; I didn't want to talk to Renee.
"She's asking for you."
That feeling I'd had this morning that something bad was going to happen flooded my mind once more.
I took the phone reluctantly and waited for Bella to leave till I began talking.
"Hello, Renee."
"Ella, you always were a disappointment and now I find this letter in the post. I thought you would have had all your post forwarded but apparently you enjoy causing me heartbreak."
"What are you talking about."
"I got your letter about your interest in the Art and Music College in New York. Quite an establishment they have there, though why they'd want you is beyond me! I forbid you from going Ella, I'm not paying for a trumped-up waste of space school. Why can't you be like Bella and chose something worthwhile? Don't waste your life doing something you aren't even good at! Oh, just talking to you makes me sick, why did you have to be born. It would have been better for all if you'd just died in the womb; I only wanted Bella. Bella, oh. Now, she knows how to be a good daughter, she doesn't bring shame on the family like you do."
"If you would just forward me the letter…"
"Forward you the…? I knew you were insane, but I never took you for being stupid. You are not going to that school Ella. You have no talent. You have no prospects. You are nothing Ella. I was glad to get rid of you to your father. Why did you take Bella with you? She has a life, she doesn't need you, she has a chance of making something out of her life but you're just dragging her down into the mud. What did I do to deserve a child like you? You have the devil inside of you, a monstrous disease that will never die. You're a failure! You'll always be a failure! Why I never got rid of you I don't know. You'll never be good enough, never…"
I hung up. The phone fell to the ground.
I stared into nothingness as I felt myself slip away.
It wasn't right that my mother should say those things to me. She was supposed to be loving and kind. She hated me. There was nothing lovable about me. I was a failure.
"Ella, dinner's ready."
"I'm not hungry."
"Ella?"
"Go away, Bella."
I couldn't deal with this. I should be stronger, but I wasn't. I couldn't even muster the energy to change from my clothes to my pyjamas. I just crawled into a ball under my duvet.
Failure.
I was haunted by words; they ate me up like rabid wolves.
What good was life if it didn't protect you?
What good was moving on if you were constantly brought back to the past?
You'll never be good enough.
The hole was getting bigger, drowning out my room and I was falling, falling so very far with no signs of stopping. I knew what was happening, but I had no way of stopping it.
You have the devil inside of you.
Was I really so evil? Was I really diseased? Was I contaminating others with my presence?
Mummy, why don't you want me?
It was too much, I couldn't breathe.
Failure.
Failure.
Failure.
When I woke the next morning I didn't feel like me.
It was like my body was empty, my soul had left and I was just a memory of what once was.
I had walked downstairs. I wore a dark purple hoodie, black leggings and brown cowboy boots. I didn't feel like me.
Dad found me trying to push food into my mouth but not really feeling it.
"Ella?" he asked.
I looked at him, he was so warm and comforting. I blinked, once, twice and then they came.
"Daddy," I cried.
Everything I had felt the night before, everything that I'd seen while I slept and everything I felt in the morning came pouring out in big, loud tears. Once I'd started, I couldn't stop. It just wasn't possible. Dad was my safe haven.
"What's wrong? What happened?"
I couldn't answer, I could barely stop crying.
"Mum phoned her last night," said Bella.
Dad swore.
He never swears.
"It's about time I did something about that," he said.
I didn't understand but Bella was nodding at him. What were they planning?
Don't they know I'm not worth it?
My tears were drying but I still felt empty.
"I don't think you should go to school today."
"Dad please, I need too. Don't make me stay at home, it will just get worse."
"I think she should go to school," said Bella. "It will do her good, the Cullen's are at school and, well, you haven't seen it Dad, but she lights up around them. I think seeing them will help."
Dad shrugged, though I knew it went against what he was feeling, he couldn't deny the pleas of both his girls.
"Alright but I want to be kept in the loop if anything changes."
Bella nodded.
We arrived at school and Bella held my hand. It was comforting, when we were younger we always held hands when one was struggling. This was no exception. To the outside world, I probably looked fine, maybe a little ill. I had always worked hard to make sure people couldn't see the suffering, but that rule didn't seem to apply to the Cullen's.
"What's wrong? What happened?" asked Alice, repeating Dad's earlier words.
Bella motioned to speak privately with Alice but I wouldn't let go of her hand.
Sighing, Bella whispered in Alice's ear, briefly telling her what had happened. She didn't know the details though, only I did.
I caught the tail end though, it was hard not to.
"Please, help her."
I suddenly found myself in another car, a silver car…Edward's car. He was driving and Alice and Jasper were in the back. There was another car with Rose and Emmett in it. We were driving away from the school. I panicked, looking back at Bella. She'd never left me before. She smiled reassuringly at me. It didn't make me feel better.
"Let them help you," she mouthed.
I nodded dumbly, not quite comprehending things.
My phone buzzed. It was Dad. He'd sent a text.
'Listen to your sister and the Cullen's. Stay safe x'
Everyone was against me, or were they with me? I didn't know.
Edward was carrying me into the house, how had I not noticed this? Had I become that unresponsive already. I felt like I was viewing things through a glass like I wasn't me but just watching as things happened to another.
Failure.
That word again... it needed to leave me alone. Why did it follow me so? Why did it torment me? Was I a failure? I didn't feel like one but then I did…
Edward sat me down at the piano.
The door was barred by Emmett. The windows were closed. There was no escape. Esme was there… she was? When did she arrive? She looked at me with a worried expression. Her eyes were soft, she looked like a mum. I shivered, I didn't have a mum like that.
You'll never be good enough.
"Play," said Edward.
Play what? I looked down.
Oh piano.
I shook my head.
"Play," repeated Edward sternly.
Failures can't play.
I shook my head again.
"Please, Ella."
It sounded strained, the word sounded sad. I looked at Edward, he looked hurt. Why was he hurt? Did I need to do something? Did I need to make him better? I wanted Edward to smile. He wanted me to play. Playing would make him smile, wouldn't it?
I began playing, at first, it was just nonsense, the notes jumbled and without sense but then a song formed. It became stronger and filled the room with power. Then I started singing. I wasn't planning on singing, but it just happened, the song urging me forward.
"In the darkest place
There's the faintest light
Gives me hope to face
The hardest fight pain delivers me
I don't need their sympathy..."
Words had power, the power to survive, to change, to bring hope. I knew in my darkest moments it was music that encouraged me to survive.
"'Cause they can't shake away my might
Where I go they will never find
I've got to be stronger
Reach up higher
Must dig deeper, find the fire
Feel enlightened, can't be frightened anymore..."
It was weird, how powerful music was. With each breath, with each note played, I felt my soul lifting up, felt my body react to what was happening and felt those terrible words slowly disappear.
"I can run now, so much faster
Now defeat won't be my master
For to conquer the demons
I won't have to wait any longer
I've got to be stronger..."
Not a failure. I was not what Renee made me out to be. I couldn't be. I had so much power boiling down inside of me waiting to be released. I was so much more than what she wanted me to be, I could be so much better, I could be anything.
"You'll see in time. You will survive
Too soon to run, too late to hide
It's your destiny, every pace, every stride..."
I was more than I dreamed. The darkness was fading, I was lifting. I was better than before. Still, the panic lingered, the anxiety watched, and I was so close to the surface yet I struggled to break free.
"I am stronger
Reach up higher
Digging deeper
Found the fire
Feel enlightened
Won't be frightened anymore..."
Life was being given back to me, I felt the depression that had clawed at me that morning, disappear and the grip it had on my shoulders relaxed. I felt the stress evaporate, the panic subsides, and the anxiety melt away.
"I can run now
So much faster
Now defeat won't
Be my master
For to conquer the demons
I won't have to wait any longer
I've got to be stronger..."
I could see the light, it was startling me, the tunnel of blackness was over. How quick it had been, like a fleeting moment of terror. I'd never known it to end so quickly. Had I changed?
I've got to be stronger.
I am stronger.
Renee's words couldn't hurt me anymore, she meant nothing to me and she wouldn't dictate my life. She may think I'm a failure, that I'm diseased and that I am not good enough, but she only has one opinion. The opinions of many counteract the opinion of one and I just need to remember that. I just need to remember that I am worth something and that I do have a bright future ahead of me.
Now I'm stronger.
Song used: Stronger (from Finding Neverland Musical)
AN: Apologises for day late posting, was unable to post yesterday due to things that had happened. I'd like to say thanks to: SabinXTobi, missyouforever, silentmayhem, The. Teal. Rose, frenchgurl25, and all the guest reviews this story has so far.