Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, just my original characters Ella and Adrian and the plot I've created for the characters to play in.
AN: I promise for those people who have been waiting that I haven't abandoned this story. I was just suffering from writers block. This chapter makes reference to depression and I was struggling on how to get it across in words. For those of you who don't agree with the depression Ella is feeling or think she should just 'man up' or 'get over things', I pity you. Depression comes in all shapes and sizes and this is just a small sliver of what it can feel like ~ Enjoy.
AN2: Next chapter will probably take a little longer than a week to write. I have to go and do some research for it before I can write it. Thanks for bearing with me though. I have no plans to abandon this story. I'm planned out the next 5 chapters or so but I'm writing one chapter a week at present. The story I've created deviates from the appearance of James onwards. Meaning it follow the original plot till James comes on the scene and the rest will be a story of my own creation.
I have no idea how long this story will be. Potentially 50 or so chapters but I'm not sure.
P.S. I know there are tons of punctuation/spelling/grammar mistakes in this story. As I'm writing a chapter a week and have other commitments, I don't have the time to sit and edit everything before it's posted. If I did it would take me a lot longer to post and I'm guessing you readers wouldn't like that!
Happy reading ~ Hannah
Chapter Eleven – Lost Hope
Lots of people talk of depression but not everyone has an understanding of it. Depression can come in many shapes and sizes and not all causes are known. I always suffered from depression when I'd had a panic or anxiety attack. Depending on the severity of the attack, the depression could last a couple of hours or several days. I hated the feelings depression gave me. I knew I closed in on myself and I was unable to stop it. It felt like I had drowned in the sea and my body had been left to rot there.
My limbs felt heavy and my head, my head tormented me with visions and words that I was unable to rid myself of. It was my own personal hell that I was stuck in. People have hell dreams all the time but I was living in my hell, I was awake trying to push past it. It was never an easy fix.
I'd known what could possibly happen when I'd confronted the Cullen's but in my mind I'd assumed the outcome to be a happy one. I was so confident in the friendship I shared with them that nothing could undo it. I wish now that I'd had more sense. Perhaps that's why this depression felt thicker, because I'd walked into its arms willingly.
There was a hole in my heart that couldn't be filled. The hole that had been so cavernous, created by the neglect of Renee, had slowly started to heal with the presence of the Cullen's. Without them that hole had expanded once more. Bella always said I felt things too much, and she was right. I didn't just wear my heart on my sleeve, I wore it all over my body. I was incapable of hiding how I was feeling from anyone.
How was I to survive the coming days as I waited for the Cullen's decision.
Simple answer? I wasn't.
I felt bad for Bella and Dad. I could see the effects my mood was having on them. The weight they carried on their shoulders was obvious as was the frowns upon their faces. I was worried about them but could do nothing to fix them till I fixed myself.
Monday came all too soon for my liking. The call of reality was beating down at my door and I had no choice but to answer it. My clothing today definitely reflected my subdued feelings. Black jeans, black timberlands accompanied a white t-shirt and a striped black and white blazer. If school wasn't mandatory I'd have stayed home, wrapped up in my duvet and forgotten about the world.
Life didn't let you do things like that. It was fine and I could survive. This wasn't the first time I'd found myself in a position such as this. It was time to hold my head high and pretend everything was fine. I wouldn't be able to fool Bella or Dad but sure as hell I could fool everyone else.
"You sure you're alright coming to school?"
My sister, my dear sister was always there for me. I didn't know what I would do without her by my side. Just having her near gave me the strength to keep fighting.
"Of course Bella. I'm not in a good place right now and it's my fault but I'm not going to let other parts of my life suffer because of it."
She grabbed me by my arms and whirled me around to face her in the school car park.
"This is not your fault Ella. I don't know exactly what happened but you are a wonderful person and if the Cullen's can't see that then it's their fault. I'm on your side no matter what."
I smiled at my sister. I didn't really have any words to speak but I knew she understood the feelings behind my smile.
I'm sure that if Bella thought it would help things then she would have gone all violent ninja on the Cullen's. It was good then that we both knew she was terrible at fighting, it made her clumsier than she usually was.
If my peers at school noticed the tension between the Cullen's and myself, they didn't say anything. I suspected the silence wouldn't last for long as I knew the three cronies couldn't keep their silence for too long.
There was only one thing I could do while I was feeling this way. It was the only thing I could do to numb the pain I felt and to stop the sadness from eating away inside of me. I through myself wholeheartedly into my school work. My sister was worried; I could see her concerned face as I went about doing things in a subdued manner. I knew she wanted me to snap out of things but it wasn't that simple.
I wasn't comatose. I'd never been that bad. I'd always had some type of spark left inside of me. This was just hard. I'd made a home for myself within the Cullen's. It was the first time I'd stepped out of my bubble and tried to forge friendships elsewhere. Perhaps it was because I was waiting for an answer. Perhaps that was the reason why my depression hung over me like a grey cloud. I couldn't escape it because it hadn't ended yet.
I suppose there was a small silver lining to the current mood I was feeling.
Bella was happy.
Like really happy.
It was true that for me the days were merging into one. That's just the way things worked. To top it all off I was getting a serious pain in my leg. A shooting pain that travelled up and down my left leg making it hard to walk. I had an old coccyx injury, the leg pain was part of that. Unfortunately, it wasn't something that would stop, the injury would continue to recur over time.
Ok majorly distracted there. I'm supposed to be talking about Bella, not my own annoying life.
She was majorly happy with Adrian. I watched from her side as they got closer and closer. A secret smile here and a secret look there. I was happy for my sister. She deserved something like this. People often forget with twins that we are separate people. Just because we have a special connection doesn't mean that we share everything between us. I was sad but it didn't mean that Bella had to be sad also.
I had thought that the Cullen's would make up their mind within the week but I was wrong. As the sun dawned on the second week I felt a mixture of depression and resign. I guess what would be would be and I had to prepare myself for the scenario where the Cullen's weren't a part of my life at all.
As my head surfaced more into the world of the living and less in the confines of my own brain I discovered things to make my world brighter.
"That's it, I'm kidnapping you this evening."
To say I was surprised to say the least would have been completely accurate. I turned to Tyler, taking in his happy go lucky smile and puppy dog eyes.
"Did Bella set you up to this?"
"Nope. Believe it or not, Bella isn't the only one who is concerned about your less than happy behaviour. We're all worried about you but I know what depression feels like. It's not a quick fix, I get it but you need your friends around you. Who knows perhaps a random comment from us will snap you out of things."
I smiled, it was small but it was the first genuine smile I'd had in over a week.
"So what are you kidnapping me to do?"
"An evening at mine. Movies, music and talking."
"I didn't think you were the girl talking kind of person."
"Ella, did I say anything about 'girl talking.'"
Ok well maybe he hadn't.
I shook my head.
"Just say you'll come."
I looked at Bella briefly, she smiled and nodded her head.
Ok I could do this. Maybe this was what I needed.
"Ok I'll come."
Somewhere along the conversation I'd wrapped my arms around myself. It was like I was seeking out protection. My eyes felt slightly glazed like I was looking out onto a world after just waking up. My eyes scanned the cafeteria. It was all the same, no deviation. I ghosted over the Cullen table. I never wanted to look too long in case I broke down. They were there as usual but they looked quite sad…no that was just my imagination. They weren't sad.
That afternoon, once school had ended and our homework had been completed, I found myself in Tyler's house. Sitting on the floor in his immaculately tidy bedroom I wondered – weren't their rules about teenage girls and boys being in bedrooms with each other?
The door was open and his parents were home but still. If Dad knew there would be trouble. Worse yet if Dad came home and found me in MY room with an unknown male, he'd hit the roof.
I guess what's what happens when you have a cop for a Dad.
"I so didn't peg you for a fashion magazine type of guy."
Tyler was staring at me. To be honest it was a creepy unblinking stare that make me uncomfortable. I fought the temptation to look away from him. Tyler was my friend; he didn't mean to make me uncomfortable.
"Ella I'm gay."
Oh.
"That explains so much."
He was laughing at me, I could tell.
It wasn't my fault I'd never picked up on the fact that he was gay. He certainly hid it very well. I didn't know if it was a secret or not. Did Bella know? Was I the last of our group to know? Is that why he was laughing at me?
The cloud that hung so heavily over my head lifted a little. Not enough to be noticeable but enough for me to relax a little.
"I think you're the only one in the school that didn't know."
Frowning I tried to glare at him but it didn't really work. He just laughed harder.
Stupid Tyler.
He had such an addictive laugh. You couldn't not laugh when Tyler was laughing. It was his gift, to make others laugh I mean.
"You're smiling."
He was right of course, I was.
"I'm not incapable of smiling you know."
"I know; you just haven't smiled lately."
I could feel my frown deepen, at this rate I was going to get wrinkle prematurely.
"I'm not going to ask what's been going on with you. Bella mentioned it had something to do with the Cullen's but I'm not going to pry. You're a great person Ella, they'd be daft not to work that out."
"Thanks Tyler."
He winked at me.
"So, enough doom and gloom. You know the Renaissance Fair is coming up. You and Bella have to come. I'm not taking no for an answer AND you have to let me dress you. Please."
"It's annoying when you blackmail me with your puppy dog eyes you know."
"I know, it's great isn't it."
Trying to win an argument with Tyler was like arguing with a dog over food. It was best to bow out early.
I actually ended up having a good time with Tyler, we spent the rest of the evening discussing outfits for the Renaissance Fair. It was true that everyone in school apparently knew that Tyler was gay but he told me that he kept this side of him, the side that was excited about fashion and girl talk hidden away from all but his best friends. It was easier that way, he said. Besides the three cronies picked on people for almost any reason, he didn't want to give them extra material to bully him for.
I could understand what he said. High school was the cattiest place on earth. Really though it did its job at preparing you for the adult world. Those who were downtrodden at school were the ones who succeeded most in the adult world. At least that's what magazine articles kept telling me…
Despite the joy I'd had with Tyler, the cloud of depression continued to loom over me and my thoughts remained ever forceful at pointing out all my flaws and telling me how unworthy I was.
Mid-week I was cornered at school by Adrian. He had a blazing fury in his eyes that made me want to jump back in fear. He'd cornered me in a deserted corridor and I actually felt fearful in his presence. I had a million thoughts running through my head, none of them were good and thankfully none of them would actually come to pass.
"I want to protect you Ella. No, I need to protect you."
He was advancing upon me like a predator would his prey. It was unnerving. I felt cornered and vulnerable.
"What do you mean?"
"You're important Ella, you need to be…protected."
"Are you alright Adrian? You're scaring me. What would Bella say?"
He smirked and took a step back.
"You didn't think I was? Oh that's funny!"
I pouted and crossed my arms in annoyance. Honestly, what was he thinking advancing upon me like that? As if I was going to take it any other way.
"My apologises. Bella means a lot to me and you're a big part of Bella's life. I just want Bella to be happy and right now your pain is causing her pain. I don't mean to be harsh. Bella just wants you to be protected, so I offered my services. Protecting you is the right thing to do, plus it makes Bella like me just a little more."
I was happy of course that Adrian seemed to like Bella as much as she liked him but I didn't want to be anyone's charity case.
"You don't have to do that. I'm fine really and I can look after myself."
"I'm aware of that but I look after my friends. Please, let me help."
Remembering what Tyler had said the night before, I nodded my head in response. Just because I was going through a hard time didn't mean I should shy away from the help my friends offered. I'd forgotten just how much my depression could affect those around me. I didn't want my friends to suffer at the hands of my actions.
Unfortunately, I couldn't be completely saved. As much as I'd been avoiding the Cullen's I couldn't get away from them completely. In fact, I'd sort of been dreading today. Not only was it time to hand in the finished art project – the project I wasn't even sure had been finished – but I also had music with Edward. I'd managed to sit elsewhere last week but wasn't sure I'd be so lucky now.
I sat next to Angela during art. Alice and Jasper were still on our table but I did my best to pretend they weren't there. Angela grabbed my hand under the table for support and when it seemed like I was faltering, she squeezed my hand in reassurance. It was comforting. I appreciated it a whole lot.
The two Cullen's had taken our project up to the front of the class. It was breath-taking as a finished piece. The colours swirled together in a hypnotic manner and there were dozens of pictures within pictures to be seen. I was impressed by how they'd finished the piece of art work. It looked better than I had expected. If the praise the teacher was currently giving us was anything to go by, then we'd definitely passed the assignment.
"Oh this is just wonderful, you three have captured far more than I had expected. What a team you make! I'll have to pair you together again in the future."
My heart sunk, I hadn't thought that to be a possibility. How would I get through another project with Alice and Jasper when there was so much tension between us?
It was with that harrowing thought of the impending doom of having to do another project with the Cullen's that I left my art class. I could feel Angela looking on at me with worry in her eyes but really I could do nothing to quell her fears. I needed to sort my problems out and fast.
Entering music, I could feel a different sort of tension in the air. Thick like glue it was spread around the room and I could see that I wasn't the only one who looked nervous.
Our music teacher burst through the room in a cloud of unconcealed happiness. She really was a bizarre lady but she was totally content with the path she'd chosen. She was a really good teacher and loved all forms of music. She never raised her voice and was always there when you needed help. Unfortunately, she also had a knack for springing things unexpectedly onto her students. Tests, songs, sheet music, performances, you name it, she liked to spring it upon her students.
She said it was her way of forcing the creativity out of you. Thinking on the stop always produced the best music or something like that.
I was used to these outbursts and knew when the appeared in the doorway that today would be one of those impromptu days. What I didn't expect was what next came from her mouth.
"Ella my girl, come up here and give us an impromptu performance. Whatever song you've currently got in your head I want you to sing. Back yourself up with an instrument if you will."
I gulped, seeing all eyes of my peers gazing at me. Strongest of all I could feel Edward's eyes burning a hole into the back of my head. As I reached the piano and sat down I sought out the comforting gaze of my teacher. I knew she would never cause me pain, she much have thought that I needed this outlet.
I tried to concentrate on my music. I tried to look anywhere but at Edward but like a moth drawn to a flame I failed. I let his eyes bore into mine and I gazed back unblinking.
Sweet music began coming from the piano as my fingers danced across the keys and I began. Emotion poured into my voice, far more than I thought would and I was transported elsewhere.
Good times for a change | see the luck I've had | Could make a good man | Turn bad
Did people know what was going on with me?
So please, please, please | let me, let me, let me | Let me get what I want | this time | Get what I want this time
What did I want? Did I know?
Haven't had a dream in a long time | See the life I've had could | Make a good man turn bad | So for once in my life | let me get what I want | Lord knows it would be the first time | Lord knows it would be the first time
I wanted Edward. I wanted his friendship. I wanted his smile. I wanted his emotions. I wanted everything about him. As I sung it became a starring contest between the two of us. Everything else just faded away.
So please, please, please | let me, let me, let me | Let me get what I want | This time
I wanted the Cullen's in my life. I wanted that extra piece of happiness. I wanted the feeling of belonging to return. I wanted the extra family. I wanted to feel whole again.
So for once in my life | Let me get what I want | Lord knows it would be the first time | Lord knows it would be the first time | Lord knows it would be the first time
I pushed every thought and feeling I had into the words I sung. I remembered then how much music helped me when I was going through the motions. The sadness I was drenched in seemed lighter. I sung the last lines looking Edward directly in the eye. I thought I saw a spark of something but then it was gone. I played the last note on the piano and the spell was ended.
The room clapped, real applause, not just for manners sake. I could hear my teacher gushing about my performance but it was all just noise for me. I felt like I was crashing after a sugar high. I couldn't look at Edward now; the spell had been broken. All I could do was wait and hope that things would work out the way I wanted them too.
Song Lyrics - Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want by Slow Moving Millie
Up Next – Chapter Twelve – Renaissance Fair