.*Chapter 2*.
I need you. I need you just as much. Maybe even more.
When Hijikata's lashes fluttered suddenly, he was unsure if it was the caress of dawn on his cheek or the reiteration of phantom whispers that had roused him to wakefulness. Whatever the case, his lips parted and he exhaled softly toward a ceiling which looked nothing like his own. In the same, he found himself naked yet warm against sheets stiffer than recollection served, the futon just as foreign as the scenery.
But it was also comfortingly familiar.
And that was when his mind fully escaped the haze of sleep, when he let his head loll to the side.
But I don't want to push. …Or make you think I have expectations. Because I don't.
There was a small gasp and slowly he blinked, his chest rising and falling thereafter with gentle undulation, his sight rife with an image of beauty as golden light sparkled and crept across the dormant form next to him. Ever the early riser, it wouldn't be long before Kondo stirred as well to make a thankless, drab world of gray blossom back into the colors of paradise—of hope and opportunity and all things that were good.
Merit was to be found in having the fortitude to stare the unsightly straight in the face, however; and so, Hijikata seized the opportunity these fleeting moments gave him, to flex his daring on the plane meant for mortals and allow himself to just…process.
Because there were some dire things once more up for consideration after all that had transpired—things previously deemed figured out, just for Hijikata to realize he'd barely scratched the surface, or even worse, had been avoiding them.
Toshi, I just…I want you to do what makes you happy.
Deliberating, he stared at this man who so willingly, so openly, shared his bed…at shapely and reverent lips which had spoken the reassuring warrant of acceptance now flickering through Hijikata's thoughts like butterfly wings amid garden flowers. Those words offered a universe of comfort he was wary of accepting, and not because Kondo hadn't meant them with utmost sincerity; it was because he most certainly had.
That blatant honesty was why Hijikata now wondered if it was actually okay for someone to be okay with this kind of arrangement between them, especially since it involved a compromise of an indefinite nature.
His plan had always been elemental: work hard, get on Kondo's level, and eventually earn a place at his side where he could pull equal weight. However, upon looking back at the outcome thus far of such a scheme, Hijikata found himself going nowhere fast and doing nothing profound. Instead, he'd somehow become trapped in this infinite loop of not moving forward with Kondo because he felt he couldn't, and feeling he couldn't because he wasn't moving anywhere at all.
He'd assumed these matters would work themselves out eventually, if he just kept at what he was doing; something had to give at some point, after all. People found their calling all the time when least expected and Hijikata was sure his own awaited him, somewhere on the vast oceans of prosperity. But that optimistic view of someday arriving out of no place seemed more fantastical than ever this morning, especially when he'd come to realize just how much it affected more than himself, but them as a unit.
That there even was a them meant everything. And they'd been this way for so long that it felt natural and right…but was it really?
Hijikata's eyes narrowed with a wince.
After his confession of feeling like a burden, it'd been Kondo's reassurance that led him home again. And once that happened, they quickly slipped right back to normalcy in the aftermath, like nothing had happened at all.
There was no deviation from the usual, the pattern of behavior unfolding the same way it always did.
First, it was Hijikata's unprompted, self-induced tension bringing choppy currents to calm waters. Then, followed Kondo's sweet words, the kiss which placated, the embrace that succeeded in smoothing everything over and restoring life to its usual state. And just as it always had been, it was so easy to let the pressures and trials Hijikata put himself through dissipate, especially when the warmth of reassurance lapped at his agitation in gentle waves.
They'd held each other and talked, quietly at first, the conversation like Hijikata's hair shifting from damp and heavy to relaxed and light. They ate dinner, shared sake, spent hours into the evening with quality Shieikan company, then sat on the starlit porch drinking and dreaming…until their eyes met in the way they often did. It hadn't been long thereafter when the shoji shut and the garments fell to the tatami in time with the futon, when lips met again not out of comfort but desire and the entire world whited out.
It was all so…normal. But their relationship really wasn't that at all, with Hijikata running about in circles while Kondo kept moving forward but still wanting the former around like he was useful for something.
And perhaps these thoughts were why waking up this morning next to Kondo for the umpteenth time of Hijikata's life felt different.
Something shifted inside him now, as he recalled how Kondo's feelings had been laid bare before him last afternoon, how that level of humility prompted doors to open even wider to weighty inquiries within Hijikata which had no concrete answers. Worse yet, they were the kind of questions which invited guilt, and that guilt brought with it the self-doubt.
With caution Hijikata turned on his side to face his companion completely, pulling the blanket back over an arm rendered exposed from the change in position, and resolved to study him—to watch Kondo breathe evenly and drink in that placid expression as if he hadn't a care in the world. He felt his eyes soften and his heart beat but a little quicker.
Kondo seemed even more at peace in his slumber than the waking hours—a marvel itself—with his head against an ivory pillow roll and the thin cover cast off recklessly to expose the solid lines of his robust chest. The material had gathered over narrow hips, almost daring to expose more to the eye than decency would allow. And Hijikata would have been entirely content to revel in the presence of living, breathing art if it weren't for the more pressing matters insistent and vying for his attention.
His shoulders rolled up slightly. Was it acceptable to leave a man like Kondo waiting while he worked through ironing his life out the hard way, with showing up frequently but never for the long run? Was such a relationship fair to either of them, with one having to surrender more than the other, when the trade-offs never felt even? Was taking his time as he had been also unwittingly taking advantage?
Long black lashes fell with the closing of Hijikata's eyes, while Kondo's voice filled his memories once more.
Things are okay this way. I promise. Everything is okay. We're both doing what we need to do.
But why? Why was it all okay? And why did Hijikata keep inwardly arguing the opposite of all the reassurances and guarantees?
He supposed it all came down to this: it was unclear to him what necessity, what purpose, could be found when Kondo looked his way. There wasn't a single doubt in existence that he saw something which had him holding Hijikata in such high regard, and so dearly. The not knowing why was infinitely troublesome, however, and brought with it negative thoughts and further discomfiting speculation.
It couldn't be pity; or more accurately, Hijikata hoped beyond all hope that it wasn't, as the thought of falling in love with someone out of sympathy for their condition seemed entirely pathetic. Yet then again, Okita was another hard luck case whom Kondo had taken to, but in an older brotherly or even fatherly manner. The difference with Okita's misfortune lay in his capability of doing something about it; being naturally gifted with the blade meant he possessed something of value upon which his future could be reliably staked.
By contrast, Hijikata practiced the art of swordsmanship in the style of multiples, but held no inkling of mastery for one certain type. He'd worked as a merchant's apprentice at his family's insistence, but abandoned that way of life when it'd become too insipid and repetitious. And upon these failings, he'd resolved to wander an aimless path of medicine solicitation while looking for his big break—an occupation which yielded only enough funds to supply little more than sustenance and temporary shelter for himself while on the move.
In the long run, he wanted to be and feel useful, to make an impact that shook the very ground at his feet. …Like his brother-in-law, Hikogoro, drenched in wealth and finesse, who commanded the respect of the locals and even had his own Hino-based Tennen Rishin Ryu dojo. …Like Kondo, chosen by one from the samurai class to join his family and inherit his legacy, who inspired the ambitions of mere farmers and challenged them to be and do better.
Transcending social constructs like that was a ludicrous fantasy seemingly better for bedtime stories, but one boy hailing from Kamiishihara had done the impossible and was now on his way to becoming the master of an entire fighting style. He was a true samurai, not by birth, but in spirit—and that, by Hijikata's opinion, made Kondo more samurai than any man lucky enough to have been born with such an embellishing title while lacking the discipline and character.
Ultimately, the bitter reality was that up against these admirable men of high caliber, all Hijikata was at this point was a rough stone without polish—one that would barely make a splash if tossed into a lake, one that would sink right to the bottom undistinguished from the rest. He was no pearl, not yet. And he would never become one if he kept on as he had been.
Hijikata's eyelashes parted suddenly.
…Where were these thoughts going?
He stared at his palm resting flat on the sheet.
…Every twist, every turn of mental gymnastics led him to the same conclusion. He had to make a change. And that change, it meant…
The sudden soft yawn at his side jarred Hijikata and sent his emotional shields slamming into place, his eyes snapping shut before Kondo noticed he'd uncharacteristically woken up first. He feigned sleep over the sounds of stirring, of small stretches and joints popping, of Kondo shifting from his back to his side. Then, all went silent.
The quietude persisted for long enough that Hijikata believed Kondo had fallen back into slumber, so his eyes fluttered open again. But when they did, they parted that much wider in surprise.
Soft amber. Flecks of gold. A universe of treasure between rims of dark lashes, aimed directly at him.
Seconds ticked by.
"Hey…" Kondo whispered at last, a lazy lopsided smile pulling outward to his cheek.
Hijikata blinked, as dread simultaneously crept up his throat and weighed his body down until he felt twice as heavy. If it were any other day, he might have snapped at being watched while he slept and even pulled the cover over his face as retaliation. However, this morning was anything but typical and Hijikata had been the furthest place possible from inner peace.
He wished he could react normally, wished he had the right to chide Kondo as he often would over the small things. Alas...
"…Hey," he replied, before it became too long and things turned even more awkward for him.
A hand fell over his own, still resting palm-down on the futon, as Kondo's sluggish features began to sharpen with the furrowing of his brow. "Are…?" He cleared his throat to shake the coarseness from his voice and began rising to a forearm. "Are you okay?"
Hijikata nodded immediately, pulling his hand free from Kondo's to press unto a bicep and still him. "Mm." He sniffled, and several frightfully thoughtful moments drifted by before he added, "Still tired." The yawn thereafter started out fake, but quickly turned real.
"Heh…" To much relief, Kondo seemed to relax at that. He shoved his pillow roll off the futon, then slipped an arm beneath Hijikata and drew him close enough for his lips to meet his forehead. "Me too."
"I mean…" Hijikata huffed and felt Kondo smile against him, felt the quiet laugh rumble within his chest.
"Sorry." Kondo stroked his thumb gently across Hijikata's exposed cheek, then brushed loose locks of hair behind his ear.
He's such a good person…so rare, so good. He deserves the best of everything. Is that what you can give him as you are now? Really?
"Toshi," Kondo breathed, elongating the vowels of his name, and then used his weight to coax Hijikata on his back. He nuzzled him, draped an arm over Hijikata's waist, then rested his head against his chest. "Let's sleep a little longer?"
Things are okay this way. I promise. Everything is okay.
In fact, at present, nothing was. But perhaps, one day, it could be. Hijikata's chest tightened as the path with all the answers suddenly opened to him, and at last he realized what needed to be done...for the good of them as one, and the good of them as individuals.
But for now…
If only for now...
"Aa." Fingers came up to thread through locks of short brown hair before Hijikata let his arm fall, wrapping around Kondo's back and holding him close. "Just a little longer." He stared toward the ceiling, as he held tight.
And then tighter yet.