Chapter 7

Delusions

The day was rainy. The droplets were hitting the glass and windowsills and it was so calm everywhere and to Adam it felt almost annoying. He wasn't used to it at all.

Adam wrapped up a breakfast for himself and Ceres (God forbid anyone to actually say that out loud) and now he was slowly chewing on a sandwich. He could hear Ceres getting ready for the day and five minutes later she joined him in the kitchen.

„How are we feeling today?" - he asked, not averting eyes from a newspaper.

„Like shit, thanks for asking." - she murmured - „I would actually prefer you caring less so I could get a freaking fix. What got into your head, pouring all that terrible ideas of taking care of me?"

He ignored her.

„How is your semblance?"

„It's off." - she admitted although she was not very happy about it. It was ruining her plans of getting some stuff up her nose.

„Told you the pills would help you."

„Please just leave." - she said, slowly pouring onto the chair - „I would like you to leave very much, thanks."

„You were the one to bring me here, stop complaining."

He was right and she hated him for that.

„I give you the opportunity to leave your old life and that's how I'm being treated." - Adam sighed.

„Did you give up your old life, Adam?" - she replied with mean eyes and he blinked seeing her malice.

„I did. I did choose you over my old life. Part of me really died when Blake and Yang stabbed me. I guess that was the part that you twisted." - he replied and her eyes widened – „With the current state of White Fang and the fact that I am a wanted criminal staying here with you doesn't seem like a bad idea to me."

„I've seen you in action, Adam. I will never believe you care about me. I've seen your choices and the results of them." - said Ceres, slowly drinking her coffee.

„My choices were mine and mine alone. If you judge me from results of my choices please notice that the fact that you're still alive and not a raped corpse is a result of my choice to get back to you."

„You're crazy."

Ceres clenched her hand on the coffee mug.

„I suppose I messed with your mind again and I'm sorry for that." - she spat out of her mouth - „Please could you go back to your old self where you actually tried to kill me?"

„I'm sorry to tell you it's impossible. I have made my choices."

„You chose to play a caring boyfriend now? Well it's better than abusive boyfriend, I guess."

He was not amused and his face was telling he was serious.

„I loved Blake more than anything but I was not able to love her the way I should have. I won't say I wasn't abusive because I was. But I wasn't playing."

Ceres was angry, but she sat in silence.

„I understand you are anxious because of the withdrawal, but please stop doing this." - he asked quietly - „It won't help any of us."

She was covered in cold sweat again. Her head was killing her. She popped two more antipsychotics and tried to fall asleep but she couldn't. Her old friend insomnia was back.

It has stopped raining. Ceres sighed again and put her coat on. The blue car was still next to magnolia bush where they used to park it.

She could take the car, drive to Edom and…

And Adam fucking Taurus was sitting on the porch, casually smoking a cigarette.

„I would never think you smoked."

„Because I haven't. Started recently. Can't sleep?" - he asked, offering her one of his cigs.

„Yeah."

They sat in silence for a while.

„I'm sorry for what I said. Thank you for taking care of me." - she whispered in shame.

„You know kirellias grow up only in Atlas?" - he asked abruptly.

„I'm Atlesian." - she admitted quietly.

„Me too." - Adam said.

„I have always hated that place. I ran away when I was fourteen. I couldn't live in a place that Schnee Dust Company ruled alongside the military."

„Why?"

Ceres dragged on a cigarette.

„I had a best friend. Her name was Lana and she was a Faunus. They took her, burned her face and three months later she died in a Dust mine. They told me it was an accident."

Adam touched his scar.

„How old was she?"

„Twelve. After that I ran away to Anima through Argus military base."

Adam stopped looking at her for a moment. Ceres once again let smoke out of her lungs.

„It's useless. I cannot stop thinking about the pain in my nose, I cannot sleep, please, Adam, let it go and let me be me." - she said almost crying – „Let me go. I've been using drugs for ten goddamn years. A freaking decade. There is no way I will stop now."

„Stop it. It's not you talking, it's your addiction." - Adam interrupted her with anger in his voice - „You let it consume you and it's killing you. What makes you think I want to see you slowly kill yourself?"

„You are a killer, Adam, killing people is what you do!" - Ceres passionately extinguished her cigarette – „You think I don't know what you did to Sienna Khan? You hurt and kill people for your own reasons, I kill myself with drugs because that way I don't hurt anyone!"

„Now you're trying to manipulate me; don't think I can't see my own tactics when somebody tries to use them on me. You snort that shit because you're addicted, not because you're such a noble person."

Adam got up.

„Besides, it's good to know I'm only a killer to you."

Ceres was sober for two weeks and she was sure she hated that. Now she could focus her thoughts on something other than that goddamn fix, but reading a book was still in her area of dreams. Adam was not talking much to her; she understood why and she wasn't really proud of what she said to him. She liked the way he was handling the White Fang thing, but she never really thought they would live together, because no matter what he did for the Faunus, he was still tainted with blood of his victims.

Ceres closed herself in her room and covered herself in blankets. She still had cold shivers running through her body.

And then, she came up with an idea.

Adam took the car keys, but she really didn't want to take car and drive to get her fix. Adam would stop her in a blink of an eye, so she thought of something else.

The four-wheeled car had a trunk. And in the trunk Ceres found what she was looking for.

A wheel cleaner.

She took half-empty bottle to her room, carefully enough not to alarm Adam. In her bathroom she mixed the liquid with a couple of other things , including some strong painkillers Adam hasn't found before and after heating the mixture a little bit on a little spoon she was ready. She gulped as she waited for the liquid to lose some of its heat.

Trembling, but ready she tore off a piece of cigarette filter and dragged the liquid through it into a syringe. She wasn't sure whether she still can shoot up after all these years, but she was determined to do it.

And if she calculated everything right, Adam would never know.

Ceres used a shoelace to tighten it around her arm until her veins appeared. A little pinch and she was now pressing the plunger of the syringe with excitement, waiting for that beautiful rush.

Ceres could clearly state that Adam was not angry. He was disappointed, worried and sad, but not angry.

And she could not understand how Adam was not angry.

„I didn't think you would shoot up. What the hell was that?" - he asked her when she finally gained the ability to form words.

„A little chemistry." - she replied, greedily drinking cold water he prepared for her - „Wheel cleaner mixed with painkillers that are based on medical Dust can work miracles."

„I hope you are happy for what you did."

In fact, she was not. Now when she was sober, she felt ashamed, humiliated and embarrassed. Adam took off the things that she was wearing on her arms – something between a sleeve and a glove – and he could clearly see her pale arms, covered in scars and track marks.

„I thought you were snorting only." - he said.

„It's almost impossible to abuse drugs for ten years and never shoot up." - Ceres admitted quietly - „I stopped shooting up when my veins got inflamed and I got cotton fever. I almost died, because where I was there were no doctors or paramedics."

Ceres' eyes started to wet a little. She had a severe headache and she could not stop blaming herself for the situation she was in.

„This has to stop, Ceres." - Adam spoke suddenly - „And I think I just found a way."