The Summer Before 6th Year
My family has taught me to keep composure and be collected at all times. Trust no one. Every man for themselves. If it comes down to hurting someone else and getting what you want—get what you want; at all costs. Children try hard to avoid taking on their parent's flaws, and I was no exception. I took every possible measure to distance myself from my family.
I hate to admit it, but after hearing this you won't be able to say I was successful.
But maybe the thing that matters is that I feel badly about what I did—or do. I feel awful and wretched about it, when I don't think any of my relatives were capable of such a feat. So maybe that makes me a bit better. Perhaps I won't be in Hell for as long.
You must have heard about my best mate James Potter. I mean, practically everyone on the planet has, it seems. He's excellent at Quidditch, he's "ruggedly handsome" (6th year Hufflepuff's words; not mine), nice to everyone (except Snape who deserves it), and his parents are two of the most successful Aurors of the age. He's loaded and smart. So basically, he was every girl's dream bloke.
Except Lily Evans. She hated him with a vengeance—like, a firey burning passion that consumed her whole being. So naturally, he couldn't stop trying to win her over. The only challenge he had ever been faced with was irresistible and intoxicating to him. He was head over heels since first year when he first met her. We were crossing the lake in row boats when she pushed him in for trying to hold her hand. He had been hooked ever since. But what he didn't know… was that I was too.
And that I was about one million times more likely to be successful.
Me and Lily had this odd magnetic pull, which somehow always led to each other's company during times of stress. On the first day of Hogwarts when she had no bleeding idea how to get on the train? I just happened to be going at the same time and helped her on. Luckily my parents dropped me off, and they weren't there to scare her off. The first time she had failed something (charms test, third year) and was of crying in the owlry, I just happened to be delivering a letter. Her friend Snape called her a mudblood in front of loads of people last year, I found her in the Forbidden Forest where she tried to hide but ended up getting lost. During these times, words really weren't necessary, just a comforting embrace. A set of arms to wrap around you when you need to feel like someone actually gives a damn.
Some might call it luck or coincidence, but when you've lived such a crap home life like me, and needed little shreds of hope to hold onto, there is no such a thing.
No one ever knew. And no one would ever suspect it either, because we're two completely opposite people. To the outside world, she was perfect, I was a hooligan. She had book smarts, maturity, and generosity. While I had street smarts, humor, and empathy. I was the best friend of the boy that was in love with her. I would be the best man at their wedding (or so everyone said, after they got their act together).
It seems like we have nothing in common, but somehow we did. We both needed the other.
What Lily did not know, was I wanted to be more than a shoulder to cry on, or a hand to help her up. I thought she was my reason of existence, my pull to the earth… my soul mate. That might be a bit intense for her, to put it less aggressively, she didn't know I fancied her.
And yeah, I know what you'll say. If I fancied her so much why would I go snogging multiple girls a term? The answer? I needed distraction. It would be a betrayal to the code of Brotherhood to show her my affections, so I needed some way to not think about her every minute. Of every day.
But it was because of this magnetic pull, that when I ran out of the Black Manor pissed for the last time, it seemed completely obvious to where I was running to. Or in my case, flying.
I mounted my motorbike, which ironically had been the very source of this fateful quarrel, and took to the night sky, loving the cold wind and the feeling of absolute freedom. Not even gravity could control me.
Granted, I had never been to Lily's house out of school, nor met her family, nor knew precisely where her house was… However! I did have the return address of her house on an envelope in my pocket I just received from her earlier that day. She was the only person I ever meet who wrote a return address, and when I asked her once about it she said something to do with muggle mail getting lost.
I grabbed the letter out of my pocket while steering with one hand. I read the address quickly and muttered it to myself in hopes of remembering it, "4 Privet Drive, Little Whingington, Surry." I think I knew APPROXIMATELY where that was… but we were going to find out.
Putting the loose letter between my teeth, I grabbed my wand out of my pocket and thought to myself: "Point me." The wand spun and showed me north, and I flew where felt right. The place I thought would most likely lead me to Lily.
And after a few "hunches" and roundabout ways (all intentional) I touched back down on the quiet and neat street, suddenly feeling nervous about what I was about to do. Each square lawn was the same shade of bright green that was still recognizable in the darkness of night. I took a deep breath and walked up the cobble stone walkway to the door. I knocked lightly on the wooden thing, hoping that it would somehow only reach Lily's ears and listened to it eerily echo in the silence.
I went to knock again, but before I could the door opened. And as it swung back, a tall figure with visible red hair revealed himself holding what looked like a metal stick. I think we learned about it in Muggle Studies once-lunatic muggles hit really hard balls with them. But before I got myballs hit, I cleared my throat and asked, "Er, does Lily Evans live here?"
"Dad? What's going—" I heard a beautiful, perfect voice say, but it cut out as she came next to her dad and saw me standing in her threshold.
"Friend of yours, Lily?" he asked and then yawned, and I felt slightly more at ease as his grip on the metal stick loosened and fell limply to his side.
"Yes," she said softly, her eyes scanning mine, trying to search them. "Dad, this is Sirius Black."
"Ah! You're that Sirius Black fellow," he said, while yawning again.
"Good evening, or… er, morning, sir." I said, sticking out my hand to shake.
"Nice to meet you," he said kindly, "we've heard a lot about you."
"Good things, I hope," I said charmingly, my good manners from my childhood coming back to me easily. Lily blushed around her cheeks. "I was wondering if I could have a few words with Lily, Mr. Evans?"
"Of course!" he said, "I think I'll just nip back up into bed now," he said while already turning around and retreating back up the stairs.
"Absolutely," I said, not knowing whether or not he could hear me. Lily was still scanning me as she stayed silent. As the last sounds of her father's footsteps faded away, she gestured for me to step outside and I did so as she shut the door behind us.
"What are you doing here, Sirius?" she asked, sitting down on the front step.
"In the neighborhood," I said breezily as I joined her.
She raised her eyebrows at me until I elaborated. "My parents and I got in a fight. A bad one. It was the final straw, you know? And I just… left. They told me not to come back. Mum blasted me off the family tapestry as I walked out." I laughed bitterly. I got quiet again as Lily didn't join me. I turned to look at her, "You were the first place I thought to go," I finished in a tone much softer than the rest of my sentiments.
She ran both her hands through her hair and sighed, "I really hate your parents."
"Something we have in common," I noted. She gave me a half smile with no teeth.
"You okay?"
"Yeah," I said gruffly, nodding my head. "I am." Lily leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder as I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, taking in the cool breeze and her scent enveloped me. I put my arm around her and held her closer, not being able to help myself.
"What was the fight about?" she asked, her voice muffled against my shoulder.
"My motorbike," I said, nodding in the direction of where I parked it earlier.
She picked up her head and looked at me. "Your motorbike?" she repeated.
"Yeah…" I said slowly, not seeing where she was going with this. She started laughing. "What?" I asked, dumbfounded.
"Your motorbike? Out of all the things in life to argue about, your motorbike was the cause of getting estranged from your family?" she said, chuckling but then trying very hard to contain herself. I watched her hair glisten in the moonlight in awe. She composed herself and said, "I'm sorry; that was rude."
"Not at all… It was brilliant. You always make me feel better, you know that?"
The summer air seemed to change; to thicken and grow heavier. "Good," Lily said softly and leaned her head back on the curve of my shoulder. We stayed like that for a while: sitting in silence, watching the stars and being next to one another was enough.
I think this was the reason we were magnetic during times of crisis—we handled them the same. Each of us liked the comfort of knowing someone else cared and understood, but didn't want to be pushed to talk about what happened and how they "felt" about it.
"Need someplace to stay tonight?" Lily asked softly. I straightened; this was different. Whenever these meetings occurred, we would usually stay several hours with one another and then feel fine enough to go back into the world separately, pretending nothing happened. This was like being proper friends.
"I can go to the Three Broomsticks or, to James." I trailed off, wondering why that had not been the first place I flew.
Lily stiffened at the sound of James' name, but shrugged it off as she replied, "Nonsense, it's half three and I bet you're exhausted. You shouldn't be flying now," she said, touching my shoulder. "Or operating a motorbike."
She stood up and held out her hand to me. I was surprised by the amount of force exerted behind it as I got to my feet with her aid. "I'm not asking for you and your family to go out of their way, I just… wanted to see you." I finished quietly. I turned my gaze to the side, looking at the neighbor's bland mailbox, pretending I didn't hate myself for being weak enough to say I needed someone. Sirius Black never needed people.
And usually doesn't speak in the third person, only gits do that, my apologies.
"I know you're not asking," Lily said. She took a step closer and grabbed one of my wrists. I was amazed at how easily it seemed to slip down into locking her fingers with mine. She took her other hand and reached up to turn my chin back so I was forced to look at her. "I am. Stay, please."
The night buzzed with electricity, like the air was made of tiny metal conductors. Lily's lips were one end of a magnet and I felt like mine were the opposite... and I was being pulled to her… Then, inexplicably a thought of James flashed through my mind. I could have groaned out loud. But I kept my composure, as always.
"I'll stay," I said and Lily smiled. "Just for tonight."
"Right," Lily said, sounding as if she didn't really believe me. She pulled me over her threshold, and I wondered how many invisible lines I was crossing.
It was difficult to see in the dark, but as Lily had dwelt in the home for her entire life, she knew her way around perfectly, even without vision. She took me up the stairs and into a room. "Stay here," she whispered and let my hand go, leaving me alone in the black and immediately missing the warmth of her hand's embrace.
She was gone for several moments before creeping back into the room and shutting the door behind her. "Catch," she said as she threw something soft into my hands and then turned on the light. We were in a bedroom. The walls were a pale yellow, and everything was immaculately neat. There were some posters of muggle bands I recognized on the walls and two twin beds with matching shams on them. I looked down to my hands noticing that she had thrown me some soft pants and a jumper.
"They're my dad's," Lily explained as she noted me observing them. "My mum and dad said you could stay as long as you needed," Lily said. "Bathroom is right across the hall. You can go wash and change up if you'd like." She said this all kindly, as if being a polite hostess. She started to fidget as I continued to observe her room.
"Two beds?" I questioned.
"My sister and I used to share the room until… until I left for school." Her eyes were averted and I knew better than to press the subject.
"I'll be right back," I said and quietly turned to exit the room, Lily's ajar door allowed a slice of light to illuminate my path to the washroom. I changed and washed my face quickly, returning to the room to find the large light had been switched off and a dim, low lamp resting on the small side table between the beds was left on, casting a hazy glow over the room. Lily was already under the covers in the bed by the window, the one I assumed she slept in each night.
Her eyes were closed and she looked sort of… perfect? And peaceful. As I approached the second bed and climbed in I heard her mutter, "Sirius?"
Even after everything that had happened that day: the fact that my own family refused to acknowledge I was born, I now had no place to call home, and I had no idea was I was going to do with my life, her voice made my problems insignificant.
"Yes, Lily?" I said back, trying not to smile as I watched her eyes flutter open.
"I'm glad you're staying."
"Me too, Lily," I replied softly. Then after a moment I whispered, "Sleep."
She yawned and shut her eyes and I reached over to turn out the light.
"Lily?" I whispered.
"Mmmmmm?" she muttered back.
"Thank you," I said and I meant it. Whether or not she heard me, I have no idea. I was met with was the sound of her steady breathing beside me which became the metronome for my own rhythm as I fell into my own slumber.