VWeek after encounter with Chaos minions.V
Today was just the third day of recruitment for Professor Chaos' army of minions at the South Park Mall's parking lot, and he could already see that the line was twice the length of yesterday's line.
Which had been twice the length of the day before's.
"Next!" he called out as General Disarray aggressively scribbled down the previous applicant's approval form onto a notepad. A trio of boys, all of them ginger, came up and gave a short explanation as to why they should have them.
Their reasons were the same as every other ginger at the lair: they were sick of being bullied around and wanted to strike back against them. Eventually, through word of mouth in the ginger community, they heard that Professor Chaos was recruiting for his expanding army of minions, and since he stated that he wasn't nitpicky, they wanted to join his cause.
He managed to fake a smile and told Disarray to approve them as well. They were then waved off to the direction of the base by older minions to begin training and they walked away.
As soon as they were gone his smile collapsed and he collapsed on one of the foldable chairs they had brought along. "Geez, I've forgotten about how tiring this was!" he said, tired from only about thirty minutes of interviews.
"Uh, we still got people here," Disarray pointed out, clearly noticing that the line was growing again. Chaos groaned, and, grabbing a cup of over sweetened coffee from the table, got back up to continue his work.
It took the both of them to get through almost all the volunteers. Most of them had practically the same stories, so they waved them in with no problem. Some were nutcases. They were shooed away. Some were even bigger nutcases who thought they had powers but were really delusional idiots who were merely lucky by coincidence.
They allowed their immigrant minions to do whatever they please with those guys.
After hours and hours of dealing with hordes of rather bland characters, (plus one lunch mishap where a crazy mom ended up being blasted out of a Starbucks cafe's window) Professor Chaos took one well-needed sigh of relief. "Thank God that's over! I didn't know we'd have so much trouble this time around..."
While they were busy calling over minions from the base to pick them up and managing whatever, they failed to notice a figure walking up to them.
A familiar, hooded figure.
"... And not to mention, we might need more tinfoil for all the uniforms being made!" he continued, packing up the papers into a cardboard box. General Disarray nodded, not really listening. Chaos sighed, closing the box and shooting his fellow villain a smile. "But at least with this much progress, we don't have to worry 'bout Eric no more, right?"
That was when he noticed that Disarray wasn't looking at him.
"... Um, General? What're you-"
"You guys still hiring?" A voice asked and Chaos screamed, tiny electric sparks shooting across his gloves. His head nearly broke off his neck as he quickly looked behind him to see a girl in a hoodie looking at the both of them. Her curly red hair peeked out of the hood and was fluttering in the slight breeze, her eyes hidden behind a thick pair of green goggles, and the fact that her face betrayed no extreme emotion (at least, not yet) made him a little nervous. What made him a lot more nervous, though, was the fact that she was also black.
Not for racist reasons, of course. Sorry. It was just that there was only one person in town who had both dark skin and red, curly hair.
"Theodora?" he squeaked, not quite believing this particular sight. The girl, looking a little annoyed, sighed. "I decide to dye my hair just once, and now people keep mistaking me for some hoe I can't even bother to care about. Show some respect, lass."
At this, the two of them slumped in relief. Good, this was just a misunderstanding. She was just some random girl who happened to dye her hair a particular color. Besides, he could clearly compare her with Theodora now: she had a thick Irish accent that Theodora definitely didn't have.
But now that he thought of it...
"We don't allow girls, cootie protocols." Disarray answered, right as Chaos thought up of a reply. He shot him a dirty look. "General! Don't be rude!" The girl nodded along, saying "Yeah, and you really don't wanna turn me down. You're gonna need me."
"Yeah, what she sai- Wait, what?" Chaos agreed, before stopping in his tracks. His eyes flitted over to her. "What did you just say?"
"I'll repeat it again, mistah." she said, then leaned over and poked him in between pauses:
"You're. Gonna. Need. Me. Got that in, already?"
Disarray frowned. "Nice try, lady," he sneered, "but like I said: we don't allow girls!"
"Would you allow me in if I can do this?" she asked, lifting a hand. Before either of them could say anything, she twirled around counter-clockwise, her hand trailing behind her. Following the hand was a trail of scarlet flames, curling around her and forming a perfect circle. She then lifted both arms swiftly, and the flames became a pillar that burst straight up into the sky, scorching any birds that happened to be passing by overhead, and creating a circle in the clouds.
General Disarray and Professor Chaos stared in shock, mouths wide enough to swallow boulders as the spectacular sight lasted for about ten seconds before the flames abruptly disappeared. In the center, completely unharmed, was the girl panting, the tiniest sheen of sweat on her cheeks. The ground beneath her was reduced to boiling concrete, which didn't seem to harm her at all. As the two of them watched, still feeling the heat of her fire, she casually stepped out of the circle and smiled. "Am I in yet?"
VVV
Tonight was the night. The big night she would make her face known to the forces of Chaos. Every inch of her body, tough not quite evident on the outside, was secretly trembling with anticipation. Her flames, now that they have been used for more spectacular feats of power, rushed throughout her entire nervous system, just begging to show their face to the world again, to rush through the air and show off their destructive beauty.
Fire Hazard took as deep breath as she stepped through the entrance to the lair of Professor Chaos for her internship.
Two Chaos minions, both Mexican immigrants, guarded the elevator doors going to the real spectacle: the true lair of Chaos himself. As expected, she was halted by them for inspection. "Business, seńorita?" one of them asked in halting English.
She raised an eyebrow and her left arm immediately burst into flames. The two minions' eyes opened as the fire died down almost as quickly as they had come, showing no damage at all to herself. The other minion pressed a button and the doors squealed open, showing an empty lift cart behind.
"Muchas gracias, señores bueno idiota," she acknowledged, giving them both a nod as she walked in. All they could do was watch her nervously as she pressed the down button and the doors slid shut.
It took her no less than two minutes when the doors slid open again, this time to a grander sight than above. The main lobby of the lair was probably wide enough for an aquarium to sit inside comfortably, with catwalks entangling themselves high above her head and platforms containing various valuables for crimes scattered around. Minions were also everywhere, running around with packages, making calls, taking breaks, and doing what minions did.
She coughed loudly into her fist. No results. Not even one peep.
She coughed louder, this time shooting out a jet of flames from her fist when she did so.
That got their attentions, and they all stopped within their tracks. Everyone was silent. So silent, you could wave your arm and make it seem noisy.
She looked at them all, slowly scanning the room. "... Does anyone know where I'm s'possed to see the Professor?"
At that, all the lights turned off, sending the room into pitch black nothingness. She frowned. 'This wasn't part of the plan,' she thought nervously.
Suddenly, a crackling laugh boomed over unseen speakers, possibly hidden in the darkness. ""So, it seems like the little firecracker managed to find her courage on the way in!"" Chaos' voice sneered, reverberating throughout the room. "Uh, yeah, because those security protocols of yours are fucking broken, mate," she yelled, cupping her hands over her mouth, "ya need to get more competent guards!"
""That was what you only saw on the surface,"" he explained, ""but had you been lying to them, you would have been pulverized like a raisin by all the other traps!""
She sighed. He was clearly bluffing himself. "And if those traps were in the upper floor, why didn't I see any cameras tracking me?"
Silence. Radio silence for a few seconds. Then the speakers crackled again. ""I-er- Enough!"" he yelled, feedback squealing throughout the room. ""You said you would prove your worth here, and we've devised the perfect plan to see if you're as impressive as your claims!""
"Didn't I just-" Fire Hazard started to say, but before she could say anything further, the screeching roar of gears churning shook the room. Though she couldn't see anything, she could clearly hear the sounds of crates falling over and minions yelping, as well as their retreating footsteps. 'Pussies,' she thought, even though she herself didn't have a good feeling about this scenario.
""Let's see your hellfire save you now,"" Professor Chaos' voice cackled, barely drowning out the earsplitting churns, ""from our latest little pet!""
'Pet?' she thought. 'Pets can cute. Lets just hope it's the cute type he's talking about.'
Her hopes were shattered as a blindingly white spotlight burst on, and she saw that she was trapped in a pit with something decidedly not cute.
A behemoth of a Sixth Grader was chained to the floor, roaring and farting out throughout the various buttcheeks that peppered his body. As her eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness, she could see that he was more monster than human. His arms were sickeningly muscular, bulging through the remains of a tattered shirt, and while his legs weren't as inappropriately large as the arms, they were also riddled with butts and muscle. As he let out a roar that competed with the grinding gears that had now gone, she could see his yellowed teeth were dangerously sharp, almost like a rabid dog.
"You've got to be kidding me," she muttered, thankful that nobody could clearly see her fingers twitching. She looked around, realizing with a sense of dread that the grinding noises was the floor sinking down and the platform where the mutant was chained on rising up. She looked up and saw hordes of minions, all laughing and raring for a fight between the two forces. The walls were slick with oil, both of the cooking variety and the mechanical, but both of them equally efficient for slipping on. The elevator was also hanging above her, just barely out of reach. "You've got to be kidding me!"
Chaos' laugh rang around again, booming over those of the minions. ""Not so confident now, aren't cha?""
Overwhelming panic took over her, leaving her incapable of anything but shivering. Her mind raced with various depictions of her death by the mutant. What did she just get herself into?
Then, like an island bobbing above a sea of despair, she had an idea.
"Wait... oily walls... stuff in pockets... fleshy opponent..."
That was all it took for her to regain control of the situation. She started chuckling silently, which turned into genuine laughter (complete with the occasional snort), which turned into crazed cackling that surprised the minions into silence. Even the Sixth Grader behemoth stopped roaring and was looking at her, feeling what seemed to be a hint of concern as she clutched her sides, laughing so wickedly one couldn't help but wonder if she needed to see a doctor.
Finally, she contained her laughter and was just a twitching mass of humanoid girl, still smiling and still clutching her side, gasping for air.
""... Um, what was that?"" the Professor asked, confusion evident in his voice. She stood shakily, looked up at the millions of faces peering in, managed to find a CCTV camera staring down at her, and said to it: "You've really got to be kidding me."
One of the minions shrugged. "He isn't," he said, and pressed a button on the remote he was holding.
The chains loosened their hold on the mutant, and he broke loose from his restraints. He let out another deafening roar and the masses started cheering again, and he barreled towards her. She responded in turn by running at him, then as soon as they were both within hitting contact of each other, she slid under him and punched what she hoped was the bulge in his pants. He roared again, this time in pain, and she got up swiftly.
The behemoth mutant clutched its genitals for a moment, then managed to get its shit together and charged at her again. She cracked her knuckles, then as soon as he came close again she stuck out her hands and pushed against his head. The force of his charge, plus her choosing to jump forward, resulted in her catapulting herself above him, and he failed to notice that he was about to-
CRCKH, was the sound of his skull slamming against the oily concrete wall. He bellowed and the minions realized that Fire Hazard had just begun tipping the scales in her favor.
She took off her jacket and ran to the nearest wall, and was soaking it with greasy oil just as she heard the roars again of the beast. She sidestepped, so he would just barely miss her and slammed face first into the wall, and she sprung up onto his back and held on, clutching on tightly to her now dirtied jacket. The mutant snorted, looking around the pit for her but not realizing her swinging from his (thankfully butt-free) back. She took this as an opportunity to sling the jacket around his neck and start choking him with it. He roared, skidding around as he attempted to wrestle both her and the jacket off him, but his fingers were too beefy and she held on with vigor. 'Thank God for making Sixth Graders abso-fucking-lutely stupid!' she praised the Lord silently, not quite remembering that she was an atheist and that God would be confused when her message popped up on his voice mail.
"Just try me and your neck gets scalded!" she threatened him, but the mutant didn't listen to her and continued trying to claw her off. She sighed dramatically and willed her hands to combust, resulting in the greasy jacket bursting into flames. The mutant howled madly and shook her off, and she tumbled towards a corner of the pit. As she got up and brushed off the dust from her hair, he shook around until the flaming jacket peeled off and died down to a smoldering crisp. He turned to her with a murderous gleam in his eyes, a scalding hot burn mark on his thick neck.
"That's what you get for not listening!" she yelled, and blew him a raspberry. He roared once more, and as he ran towards her, fists pounding against the concrete floor like a gorilla's, she pulled out a tiny bottle of rubbing alcohol from her wild mane of hair (thank the Lord for bushy hair!), and threw it at him. She threw a fireball after it so that as soon as the alcohol bottle had stuck itself in one of the mutant's buttcheeks, the fireball turned it into a bomb- which exploded immediately and tore apart almost half of the mutant's body.
Everyone was silent. They could only watch as the once fearsome beast's form lay twitching on the floor, the remains of his body's right side either chunks of burnt meat scattered throughout the pit or exposed to the cold air, still sizzling as the flames of the explosion slowly cooked his insides away.
Fire Hazard walked over to the remaining chains the mutant was previously held in, and pulled them free from their anchors quite easily, seeing as they were already stressed from the mutant's constant tugging. She then calmly walked over to the mutant, wrapping one end of the chain around her palm. She stopped as soon as her feet were directly in front of his face, and he weakly turned to see her cold expression.
She tilted her head to one side. "Y'know," she admitted, "you nearly had me by my nonexistent nutsack there, buddy."
The mutant whimpered, as if he knew what she was going to do next.
A sadistic smile grew on her face, making her seem almost demonic. "Almost."
Her arm flew up, the chain now a glowing red, and swiftly jolted it downwards.
They continued watching with horror, unable to do anything as she whipped the beast more and more, the chain glowing warmer and warmer. Each groan of protest readily became more quiet with each whipping, until they were no more.
She lifter her arm up again, ready for the umpteenth round of whippings, when the speakers squealed on. ""Stop it!"" Professor Chaos screamed, fear lacing his voice, ""Please! We'll let you in now, promise!""
"Awww," she whined, stepping away from the mutilated corpse, "but I was starting to have some fun!"
VVV
"Can't believe we let that crazy bitch in," Minion #1066 muttered as he wasted his time in the breakroom.
"Tell me about it," another minion, #0382, agreed, bringing along with him two cups of hot chocolate. "Here's yours, by the way."
#1066 sighed. "Thanks," he said, taking it and drinking a sip. He put it down and stared out of the window, looking at the small shape of a red-haired girl running about. "Y'know," he started, "she got me and a few of the other fellows worried."
"Whaddya mean?" #0382 asked, and #1066 frowned at him. "I mean," he sighed again, "she's only been here for a few days and she's already assigned the position of Supervising Manager, and unless she's just a favorite of the boss there's something not adding up here."
"You've got a point there," he mused, and the other aimed a finger gun at him. "That's exactly my point. What if she has some ulterior motive to this whole thing? What if-"
BWAAAAA, and the wailing of the alarm horns blared across the breakroom, some minions falling off the couches mid-nap. ""A'igt, you lazy bastards!"" Fire Hazard's voice boomed from the speakers, ""Breaktime's over! Get yo asses up before y'all get a whippin'!""
"That whore's going to be the death of us," #1066 groaned, and the speakers squealed again. ""Minions #1066 and #0382, don't think that I don't know you're talkin' shit 'bout me. Go back to work or I'm squealin to Chaos on the both of ya!""
The two minions gave each other a look. Oh, boy, would she be a ride.