The trip to James' house was a familiar one, and under normal circumstances I sped to reach my destination. However, tonight I flew leisurely over Surrey. My thoughts remained with the Evans family's quiet suburban street, where Lily kept her eyes trained on the sky from her kitchen window in case my figure reappeared. Lily informed me much later of the conversation taking place below.
"It was nice to have another man in the house," Mrs. Evans noted to her daughter, well aware of the morose look on Lily's face.
"Yeah," Lily agreed quietly, "it was."
"You know… Sirius is a wonderful boy, Lily."
"He is."
Mrs. Evans slowly approached and put her hand on Lily's shoulder; she was afraid to cross a line, but wanted Lily to know she was always there to listen.
Lily chuckled. "We're opposites. He's funny and a heartbreaker and… and...charming."
"You're both Gryffindors," Mrs. Evans countered, "and from what you've told me that means loyal, generous and kind. I think those matter the most."
Lily was silent and thought over her mother's words. Maybe the real Sirius was the one Lily knew, not the one the rest of Hogwarts did. The Sirius that Lily knew was funny, a good listener, intelligent, daring, handsome…
Lily turned to face her mother. "You think?"
"I do."
Lily smiled started to climb the stairs, but stopped short as her mother added: "No pressure. There are always other boys, like James!"
Mrs. Evans laughed and Lily spun on her heels. "My entire life would have to be falling apart to the point of no longer seeing reason."
Mrs. Evans' eyes twinkled. "I know dear, just a joke."
I am a dethroned Black. My family name and prestigious connections cannot help me in the path I've chosen to walk. Which is why I can't offend the only family I have left; I can't hurt James. My friendship with Lily has to remain secret. No matter the cost.
But now, for this ride, I would remember. I would grin to myself like an idiot and chuckle at our inside jokes we formed throughout the week. I took the time to savor my memories, knowing as soon as I stepped foot in James' house each thought would be high treason. My stomach clenched into a knot.
Much quicker than I anticipated, I touched down on the Potter's front lawn. My feet brushed the grass as I dismounted my motorbike and stowed it in the garden shed. I took a deep breath and tried to empty my mind of Lily-related thoughts. I levitated my trunk in front of me, knowing I was once again protected by the magical residence to perform underage magic, and walked up the impressive grand steps to Potter Manor.
After my knock, the door opened quickly. "Hey, Padfoot!"
"Hey, Prongs."So far, keeping my mind clear was easy. I shuffled inside and placed my cumbersome trunk on the marble floor. I was instantly met by the Potter's house elf, Fringey.
"Master Potter's friend is back again!" she exclaimed happily, moving to drag my trunk up several flights of stairs to my customary spare bedroom.
I lunged forward to save her frail frame from transporting my luggage. "It's really okay, I've got it."
James clutched Fringey's elbow delicately. "Fringey, we'll grab it, don't worry. Mum needs you to help out with cleaning, I expect." Fringey's mouth made a surprised 'O' and immediately scampered off to clean.
"Let's get this upstairs." James waited until Fringey was gone before he charmed the trunk to float in front of us as he prattled on about France and the beautiful teenage girls that could be found there. Mrs. Potter hated when James used magic in the house, because he was only sixteen and she worked for the Auror's office.
Once, Mrs. Potter found us making all the books in James' room dance and lectured us for over an hour about the dangers of rogue magic and explained, in detail, the punishments she saw inflicted on wizards who broke the law.
The warm burgundy walls of the familiar room greeted me favorably when we walked in. But I still missed the pale yellow of Pertunia's old room...
"How was the Hell hole?" James questioned once we had successfully set down my luggage.
Hell hole? Oh, right. I was supposed to be arriving from Black Manor. All that time with Lily weakened my composure. But it's easy to slip back into something you practiced your whole life. "Mother dearest really went for it this time."
James' face changed from smirking to serious very quickly. "What do you mean?"
"We got in a fight. I told her I was leaving and she told me not to come back."
Silence rang throughout the room. "You're joking."
Even though James was a great mate and listened, he didn't have a frame of reference. His family was like a poster for wizarding families—successful parents, James was brilliant and pro at Quidditch, rich and pure blooded. Sometimes, he found it difficult to grasp how cruel my family could be. Lily, on the other hand, went through conflict with Petunia that gave her a similar perspective; she was able to empathize, rather than sympathize.
"Nope." I turned away from him. I may be a good liar, but I prefer not to look into James' eyes. "Blasted me off the tapestry as I packed."
James let out a low whistle. "Mate, I'm really -"
I cut him off. "Don't be, now I never have to go back there again."
"That's the spirit. Plus, mum and dad will love being able to have you 'roud for all the holidays. You're their favorite." James tried to make me feel like I had a family.
"I am more attractive."
James snorted. "Whatever you think, Padfoot."
"How was France? Other than the girls?" I was glad to shift topics away from my deceit. I was able to look directly at James now.
"A bit boring," he admitted. "Mum wanted to look at all these old ruins from wars and stuff and paintings and Dad was trying to find information for his newest assignment."
"That does sound boring."
"But I brought you something! I'll be right back." Within a second, James flew out of the room to visit his.
I let my mind drift, just for a moment. My first thought was what Lily was doing right now. It was now quickly turning dark, usually when she showered and climbed into her pajamas… Low cut tank tops, short shorts, oh my… Right, so I just can't think for the rest of the summer.
I heard James' approaching footsteps and immediately focused all my energy contemplating what he brought back.
James held out what looked like a simple looking glass. "I found these in some random store in one of the wizarding villages,"
"I know I'm good looking, Prongs, but I don't look at myself ALL day." I took one of the small mirrors and examined it with a critical eye.
"No, no. Watch." James cleared his throat and held the mirror close to his face, almost as if in admiration of his reflection. "Sirius Black."
The ordinary surface of my mirror clouded for a moment before James' face appeared. James flipped his mirror around so I could plainly see my own countenance. "Woah."
"Right? They're wicked. This way when Dear McGonagall splits us up for detentions we can chat instead of doing work!"
"So I just say your name?"
"Yeah. Then my face will show up."
"These are excellent. Thanks, mate." I wondered briefly how much these artifacts cost. Usually money wasn't a factor for me or James, coming from generations of wealth, but now I was cut off. For the first time I wondered how I would buy my materials for school.
James shrugged his shoulders. "Thought they'd come in handy. Want to play a quick round of Exploding Snap?"
"Actually," How to word this? "I don't feel up to it, long day." Ah yes, I can use the disowned-from-my-family card!
"Course," James said somberly. "Well, Peter and Moony come tomorrow afternoon, and I'm sure mum will make you a huge breakfast. See you then?" James knows I like space when I'm upset. Usually it's space so I can go talk to Lily…
"Sounds good."
"Night, Padfoot."
"Night. Oh mind if I borrow Godric?"
Godric was James' owl. He looked confused for a moment. "Who are you writing to?"
Bullocks. Um, think, think, think. "Oh, erm, Veronica." I blurted out, before I could stop myself. Veronica was the girl a year younger than us that I, erm… spent an afternoon in a broom closet with at the end of term.
His eyebrows shot up into his untidy hair. "Serious?"
"That's my name."
James rolled his eyes. "You fancy her?"
"Dunno." I gave the safest answer. "But she's great at snogging."
James laughed. "Yeah, Godric's in my room. I'll let him out, he'll circle a bit and then come to your window."
"Thanks." I inwardly sighed with relief.
"No worries." James left my room, closing the door behind him.
The second his footsteps died away, I ran over to the mahogany desk and pulled out a piece of parchment with quill and ink. I paused for a moment, but then the words came to me.
Dear Lily,
This is to let you know I arrived at James' safely. Bike and me are in one piece. I've been thinking about what you said before I left. I definitely want to stay friends, so I thought a good way to start would be talking a bit more. You know, instead of ignoring each other for large blocks of time. And I mean, I'm sure sometime soon we can work out a way to see each other. You know, to hang out. Because mates hang out.
Anyway, James got me this cool two way mirror so we can chat whenever. It's really clever. Reminds me of something you would appreciate, the complex magic bit of it. It's weird to be going to bed in a room with reddish walls instead of yellow ones. I got used to Petunia's puke yellow—I mean pale yellow, ha ha. It's also weird to not say goodnight to you.
I paused. Too much?
No. For the past week we said goodnight every night. Friends do that. It's not like I'm saying I miss smelling like a chick and using her shampoo, that's creepy.
So, I figured I would write this letter to say goodnight to you instead. Hope you're well.
I struggled with my choice of signature.
Yours,
Sirius
That was the most truthful I could be… without freaking her out.
I put the note in Godric's leg and sent him off into the night; he was remarkably fast for an owl. I laid in bed awake, hoping a return would be brought back by morning.
My note reached Lily's bedside in only an hour. She was sitting in a little ball on her bed, eyes out of focus thinking over everything that had transpired in the past week and the conversation she had with her mother. Sirius was attractive, a blind person could see that for Merlin's sake. He made her feel safe. When they had their little meetings at Hogwarts, and now when they hung out together. But did that mean that she fancied him?
The point was moot. Sirius would never fancy her back, so what was the advantage of figuring out her own feelings? For one, he didn't 'do' relationships, and Lily was certainly a monogamous relationship type. Also, Sirius was a loyal Gryffindor—loyal to his friends, loyal to James. As long as James kept up his foolish, ridiculous chase than Sirius would never like her. Why did thinking that thought make her stomach sink?
Then an owl was scratching at her window. Lily recognized the handsome bird, but couldn't remember whom it belonged to. She anxiously unfurled the scroll and smiled at its contents.
Her mother was passing up to bed and knocked on Lily's door.
"Come in."
"I'm going up to bed, dear. Need anything?"
"Nope, I'm great." Mrs. Evans' eyebrows shot up. Lily looked down at the letter in her hands. "Sirius wrote me."
"Well, tell him we said hello. And I had to do the dinner dishes all alone tonight! I miss him already; he left the lazy ones behind!" Mrs. Evans restrained herself from commenting further on the conversation they had earlier.
"Mum!"
"Just joking, love." She gave Lily a swift kiss on her forehead before retiring.
Lily ran over to her desk and pulled out a quill and ink.
Dear Sirius,
I'm glad you made your journey safely—I would kill you if you didn't. Mum probably would too. She says hi, and that she misses having someone to help her with dishes, as me and dad are lazy. Her words, not mine.
I think talking is a good idea. Seeing each other can be possible too, I've written to the floo network to get my fireplace hooked up. I know, not as fast or cool as illegal Apparation, but I don't have a wizarding house to protect me from underage laws. Once I do that, we could probably meet in Hogsmeade or Diagon Ally.
The mirror does sound very interesting, I'd like to see it sometime. And why Petunia went for such a puke shade of yellow is still a mystery to me, but I'm glad you didn't find it too repulsive. It's weird not saying goodnight to you too. It's weird not knowing that you're close, weird not knowing what you're up to.
But I liked getting your owl, a nice replacement for the real Sirius. He's a beautiful, is he yours? Good night Sirius.
Yours, Lily
I carefully stowed the letter under my mattress and fell asleep smiling.
The other Marauders arrived the day after me. I could tell James filled them in on my family situation, as they were kinder and refrained from mocking me for the first few days. Honestly, I was grateful because they left me alone and I could write to Lily more. For the next week, owls flew furiously back and forth between us. At least one a day, and up to three if either one of us was particularly bored.
Our writing started with surface pleasantries and diverged into deeper truths. I told her how Regulus and I used to be great brothers, but he steadily clung to my parent's beliefs. I told her my aspirations to be an Auror, and how I wish people took me more seriously (no pun intended) at times. I told her I never had a steady girlfriend. I told her I was a virgin.
She told me how she and Petunia used to be great sisters, but Petunia turned on her once she started Hogwarts. She told me about her aspirations to be a Healer, and how she wished people saw the lighter side of her at times, her humor. She told me she never fell in love. She told me she was a virgin.
Each of us revealed more of ourselves in each letter and poured out who we were. And yet, we danced around how we felt about each other. There was an invisible line separating our truths and our feelings. I was tempted to cross it several times…
For example, when I wrote: "All of the girls I've been with I never felt that spark, that connection. I've never been serious with any of them because I've been waiting for something more."
What I wanted to say: SOMEONE MORE. AS IN YOU. BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
Another letter: "This will probably shock you, as Hogwarts has spread so many rumors about my 'conquests,' but I'm a virgin. I dunno, I guess I'm a bit old fashioned, at least in that respect. I think that should be with someone you really care about. Someone you love. Sure I've fooled around, but never that. And I don't tell anyone else because I doubt they'd believe me."
What I wanted to say: IF YOU DATED ME, NOT ONLY BECAUSE YOU'RE BLOODY GORGEOUS, BUT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, I WOULD GIVE YOU MY VIRGINITY IN A HEARTBEAT.
You get the picture. It was easier to write my thoughts on parchment because Lily wasn't in front of me to distract me with her womanly charms. She also wasn't there to react negatively to anything I said, so I spoke without fear of judgment from her.
A few weeks passed and we decided we wanted to see each other. Lily successfully hooked her house to the Floo Network and we decided to meet in Diagon Ally. I missed her desperately. In James' house I wasn't even allowed to mention her name.
I told the Marauders I was visiting Veronica the slag—I mean, fifth year girl. Their suspicion came from the fact I had never shown a strong interest in one of my snogging partners.
"Is she who you have been owling all week as well?" James inquired.
Twinge. I looked away from his eyes. "Yeah." The only reason I lied was because I knew the truth would hurt him more.
"You must really fancy her," Peter said.
"Come off it." I crouched under my bed and attempted to locate my left shoe.
James chimed back in. "No, mate. Looks like you got it bad." I stayed silent. "Should I prepare for the wedding in the summer or fall?"
I knew that James was my best mate and he was taking the mickey, but all of a sudden I didn't find his antics amusing. Was I in love? Yeah. Was I able to do a bloody thing about it? No. I sacrificed Lily for him, and here he was taking the piss. So what if I really was been in love with Veronica? I think the rest of my life was shitty enough that I deserved some happiness.
"Enough!" James quieted at once. Peter shrank away from the pair of us and Remus stayed in his spot learning against my bedroom threshold. James and I were the only pair that bickered, because we were the most similar out of the group.
"Sirius, I'm—" James started.
"No." I stood and walked toward him. "I've had enough. Just because you're in love with a girl who wants nothing to do with you, don't take it out on me, yeah?"
James looked like he had been slapped and I instantly regretted my words. He backed out of the room and shut my door noiselessly. Peter scampered after him and Remus lingered, giving me his best Prefect stare.
Fuck. I felt wretched, but I had to leave or I would be late for Lily. James and I would make up later, we always did. I shut my eyes and took a deep breath to myself. When I opened them, the first thing I saw was my left shoe half in the corner of the room under a discarded jumper.
"Typical," I muttered.
What if she didn't show up? What if she really didn't want to see me? What if James found out? I knewall the above thoughts were irrational. Lily suggested meeting up in the first place and James was preoccupied with Moony and Peter. I continued thinking anxious thoughts until I saw her.
Lily wore a white dress and I noticed her skin tanned quite a bit since the last time I saw her, making freckles darken across the bridge of her nose and her shoulders. The sun was directly behind her, making her dress and hair luminescent.
"Sirius!" Lily enveloped me in a hug. Merlin, I missed those. I felt the cotton of her dress press against the pads of my fingers and the smell of her familiar shampoo slip wafted into my brain—made it really hard to concentrate.
"You hungry?" My stomach gave a loud, embarrassing rumble at the moment and she chuckled. "Of course, stupid question. Leaky Cauldron?" All I could do was nod. Idiot.
We made our way through the crowd and pushed ourselves into an empty table in the corner. "You look tan," I blurted out.
"Right? I've been helping mum with gardening outside, this is the darkest I've ever been. Weird." Lily stared down at her hand. "I've got all these horrid freckles as well peaking out." Her index finger traced a few on her forearm.
"I like them." I watched her carefully.
She scrunched up her nose. "Really?"
"Really." I reached across the table to rub my thumb across a couple on her hand. I saw a faint blush crawl up her cheeks and she pulled her hand back to tuck a stay piece of hair behind her ear.
Lily dramatically shut her eyes. "How is James?"
I laughed. "Proud you called him by his first name, pretty good up until this morning."
"Why?" Lily was interested now.
I hesitated, not sure how much I should reveal. "Well, I told him I was writing to this fifth year and he was taking the mickey about coming to visit her, well you, and I snapped on him."
"What did you say?"
I knew I couldn't tell Lily her name was brought up. "It wasn't my best 'good mate moment,' that's for sure. But we always make up."
"I'm sure you will."
We fell into a comfortable silence, filled with unspoken thoughts. We soon finished our lunch and walked around Diagon Ally. It was gorgeous outside, so we headed down the road a bit, outside of the busy parts of town and sat down on a patch of grass.
Lily started pulling out strands and turned to me. "Why don't you tell James you are friends with me?"
"He wouldn't understand," I said quickly.
"But you're his best mate and wouldn't he believe your word over anything?"
Yes, James was fiercely loyal and would never believe me to deceive him. But I would be lying to him still if I said I was just friends with Lily, because I was more in love with her than he could ever conceive. And I doubt, as good of an actor that I was, I could hide that feeling from my face when I spoke about her.
I tried to make a good enough excuse for Lily to drop the subject. "It would be seen as a betrayal."
Lily crossed her arms, her tone a bit more cross. "You have a right to talk to whoever you please."
"Of course, I do. But James would give anything to be in my spot right now. I feel like it's like gloating, telling him I'm on good terms with you. That, and he would make me talk him up all the time to you." I made these conditions up very quickly, and was pleased to find they sounded satisfactory.
Lily paused a moment. "I guess you know him better than I do."
I searched desperately in my brain for a change of subject. "So what else have you been doing these last few weeks?" Yes, yes good. Ask about her life. Shift focus from yourself to her.
"Well, the gardening." Lily's eyes shifted down to her hands in her lap. "I've missed you."
The words were spoken so softly I barely heard her. "Come again?"
"I've missed you," she said more boldly. I let the words wash over me. Lily started to look embarrassed and I remember I haven't said anything back. Idiot! Again!
"I've missed you too," I replied quickly. "Loads," I added for good measure, meaning every word. I reached in between us and clutched her hand, needing to be connected to her at that moment. Mates held hands… right?
Lily looked relieved and her hand melted into mine. Lily laid back and let the sun kiss her skin. I took her lead and laid parallel in the grass next to her.
"You realize the last time we were horizontal on the dirt we had just come out of mayhem."
Lily smiled. "I'm still impressed you pulled off Apparation."
"Still? Maybe I should use that as a key selling point for myself."
"You don't need any more selling points." Lily's smile faded. "Trust me." Her face turned away from me to look at the sky, her teeth having a firm grip on her lower lip. I didn't know what to make of her comment…
I tried to lighten the mood. "Hogwarts heartbreaker, right?" From all our owls Lily knew the nickname was a farce.
Lily kept her eyes on the sky and chuckled darkly. "Oh yes. Irresistible to all."
How on earth was I supposed to navigate this conversation with all the thick sexual tension? Or was I completely bonkers and imagining it? I wouldn't put it past myself. There was one way to find out… test the waters.
"Not to all."
Lily's interest was piqued. "What do you mean?" Her voice was little breathier than usual, and her grip on my hand tightened involuntarily.
"Just that not every girl finds me irresistible. There are girls out of my league." I tried to gauge her reaction.
Lily rolled her eyes. "Oh really? Name one girl you set your sights on who didn't return your affections."
Merlin, wherever you are—you are a cruel, vicious, masochistic wizarding deity. You are handing me the epitome of perfect moments, which with any other woman, I could admit my affections and sweep her off her feet into the sunset. But I can't do any of that, seeing I'm in a strop with my best mate who just so happens to be in love with Lily.
"It hasn't happened yet," I said flatly, hating myself. "But it could."
Lily snorted. "Exactly. The sunset is gorgeous."
My eyes were trained on Lily's face, sunset be damned. "Yeah, it is." I wish I could live on this hill, clutching Lily's hand.
"I've got to go soon. I told mum I'd be home by dark, she worries since I've tried explaining what being a Mudblood means to some people."
"Don't call yourself that," I said sharply.
Lily shrugged and sat up, finally breaking our connection. "Why not? It's rubbish anyway, I don't care what people call me."
"It's just so…" I tried to find the word, "degrading. You're much better than that, you're smarter than half of the stupid pure bloods anyway."
"Smarter than you," Lily teased.
"Exactly."
Lily hopped up, brushing grass off her dress. "I won't say it if it bothers you."
"Thank you." I followed her lead and got up.
We wandered back to the Leaky Cauldron in preparation to floo home. The pub was almost deserted, as we missed the dinner rush. Only Tom lingered, polishing various glasses. How do I say goodbye? What would a mate do? Shake hands? We turned toward each other. Shit. Turn again, I haven't decided yet.
"Goodbye, Sirius." Lily was one step ahead of me, as per usual.
"Goodbye, Lily." She did that dumb, alluring lip-biting thing again. Lily took a step forward and for one stupid second I thought she was going to snog me, but she wrapped her arms around my waist and buried her head into my chest, the highest spot she could reach.
I responded automatically and kissed the top of her head… platonically… Let's go with that. We stayed embraced for a long time… My self control waned with each moment. I had to break our embrace or I would snog the life out of her any second.
"Be safe." I backed away, putting a safe distance in between us.
Lily winked. "Always am." She grabbed floo powder and stepped up to the flames. "4 Privet Drive!" In one green swish, she was gone.