The Fall of 6th Year
As a result of our strop, James gave me plenty of space with unquestioned and unlimited use of his owl. Lily and I kept in touch feverishly and I knew, without a doubt, that I was hopelessly in love with her.
No other girl would ever compare, and I stopped trying to think about ones to match up. I lost the urge to try and snog or charm other girls and I developed a one track mind. Naturally, I had to hide my emotions from James but I couldn't keep my guard up all hours of the day. Several times during my stay Lupin walked in on me reading Lily's letters and smiling to myself. Lupin was quiet and observational by nature, and never vocalized any curiosity; he merely took in my expression before backing out of whatever room we were in and shutting the door behind him.
As I suspected (and hoped), James and I were able to patch things up and the rest of holiday went along nicely. The summer ended without incident and we were ready to start our sixth year. I missed the great feasts, seeing our fellow Gryffindors, quidditch, and of course Lily.
Unfortunately once James realized how close September first was, he started concocting new schemes to win Lily's affections.
"I honestly think I've got it this time," James said during breakfast the morning of our departure to King's Cross.
"Oh good," Lupin said, much more sarcastically than normal.
"How to make your hair lay flat?" I asked cheekily.
James returned my wit with a glare. "No. How to woo Evans!" My stomach churned like muggle butter and I pushed my half eaten omelet away, no longer hungry. James did not notice as he continued on enthusiastically. "I'm going to curse the end of my broomstick to shoot out smoke and I'll spell out an invitation during the first quidditch match!"
Lupin laughed. "Haven't your previous public displays of affection gotten you nowhere, Prongs?"
"What if it's already cloudy outside?" Peter contributed dimly.
"Then you charm the smoke red! Honestly, Peter... And yes, but this time I will be on a broomstick and girls cannot resist me on a broomstick," James reasoned.
"Lily doesn't go to quidditch matches," I said, picking up the Daily Prophet and perusing the front page. "She goes and studies in the library because it's quiet."
The clanking of silverware and glasses halted as they all stared at me.
What?
Oh, right.
Knowing distinctly personal details about Lily Evans, who for all intensive purposes I had never held a full conversation with by myself, is remarkably unusual.
I glanced up from the Prophet at my friends. "Isn't she always in the library? She always goes on about how people 'misuse the resource' for 'childish socializing," I mimicked Lily in a heinous, high pitched, unkind vibrato. James and Peter cracked smiles but Lupin remained silent, staring at me and then my half eaten omelet pushed to the center of the table.
"Right you are, mate." James said, inhaling a piece of toast. "That could have been wasted effort."
"Ha ha," I chuckled weakly. "You're right."
Lupin continued to analyze me too much for my liking until we departed for the Hogwarts Express.
"Another year, another opportunity for your young minds to absorb all the learning they can!" Dumbledore swept his arms up. "And then promptly clean it out for the next year. I do hope you all emptied yourselves over the holidays to make room." A few chuckles omitted floated in the festive air.
"At this time, more than ever, I would hope you take with you imperative knowledge that will serve you well inside these halls," Dumbledore paused for a moment somberly and peered over his half- mooned spectacles, "and out."
The hall erupted in whispers. First years looked completely terrified, but older students who followed the news nodded somberly. I saw Lily nod vigorously toward the headmaster out of the corner of my eye. I stifled a smile and then nudged James. We spent the rest of Dumbledore's speech trying to charm Snape's hair lighter and lighter shades of gray until he noticed and muttered a quick countercurse.
Snape's greasy hair fell over half of his face and he glared at the Marauders from one eye. James waved and I smirked. Even though Snape was a Prefect, he would never turn us in for this small example of harassment. Ever since he earned the title the year before, Snape decided he would handle us himself, which worked smashingly for us.
The feast came to an end and the four of us hung back until the hall emptied of the over-eager first and second years.
"That was a bit more dreary than some years, eh?" James noted.
"These are dark times," I said quietly. My musings were cut short as James' attention shifted elsewhere.
"Lily!" he called out loudly as she attempted to pass him unnoticed. I couldn't control the lurch my heart gave as she turned around.
I could tell her mouth was set to tell James off, but her eyes met mine and the corners of her lips melted. I saw her take a deep breath. "Is there something I can help you with, James?"
James looked like he could have been knocked over with a feather. He was so shocked he completely forgot to speak, never having progressed this far in a conversation with Lily without an insult being cast his direction.
"I… I…" the stammering was his only form of expression and a quick smile twitched on Lily's features.
"Yes?" she said, in a restrained voice.
"I'm sorry," he spat out finally, and Lily's face softened. "About what happened at the end of last term… It got out of hand and I'm sorry you were so upset. I was an arse."
I had to give James credit, he sounded genuine and I could tell he meant what he said.
"I appreciate the apology," Lily said briskly, "and I can tell you mean it." James for once looked hopeful in Lily's presence… something I was surprised to note made a twinge of jealousy rope itself into my stomach. "But it doesn't change anything."
Hook, line, and sinker. James' face dropped and I'm ashamed to say I felt a sense of triumph at his defeat.
"If you'll excuse me." Lily put her head down before making a beeline for Gryffindor common room.
"Ouch," Peter said as she walked away.
However, James face lightened after the initial shock. "She called me by first name the whole conversation! And, AND!" He paused for dramatic effect, "she didn't throw ONE insult at me! I'm telling you, this is the year of change, I swear things are going to happen!"
As we reached the portrait hole and entered the common room Lupin said under his breath, "I think things already have."
Luckily, James was still ranting and did not pay any attention to his best mate, but I shifted uncomfortably. What did Lupin know?
The common room buzzed with activity, as none of its occupants had classes or homework yet to dampen the mood. First years were in awe of the decorations and size as the older students lazed about the fire, exchanging stories of their holidays spent in exotic places.
Of course my eyes only sought out one fellow Gryffindor, and I quickly found her curled up in the corner, clutching a quill and a small leather book. Lily looked enraptured by her current activity, so I let her be. I also remembered this was not 4 Privet Drive; I could not approach her and have conversations with her whenever I pleased.
As the hours winded into early morning, students trooped one by one up to bed and the fiery redhead in the dark corner went unnoticed by almost all… all who weren't stark raving in love with her.
"Are you coming?" Remus called out to me as he supported a semi-conscious Peter on his shoulder.
"In a few," I replied back, staring into the fire; I craved a moment alone with Lily.
"See you in a bit!" James called, already bounding up the stairs, no doubt hoping to be the first into the dormitories to set up some prank on an unexpecting marauder (usually Peter).
Once I was certain we were alone, I felt it was safe to turn around and face Lily. She was ready and her eyes met me in a fierce stare. Lily walked over to me.
"Hi," I said lamely.
"Hi," she returned. "It's good to see you."
"Yes." I cursed myself for sounding like a lame thirteen year old schoolgirl. The air hung stale for a moment, and I saw a flush creep over Lily's cheeks, or was that the firelight?
"Even if I can't speak to you in public," she said quietly and I could tell her feelings were hurt.
"Lily…" I started, not exactly what words I would say to comfort her.
"I mean I get it, James thinks he's in love with me and that makes everything…"
"Impossible," I said in a pained tone.
"Complex," she said at the same time. "It's just, after everything that we… I mean, we've spent so much…" her cheeks reddened with each incomplete phrase.
Although I was morbidly curious as to what else would spew out of her mouth, I decided to save her. "I meant what I said. I want to be friends...I'm just not sure how yet."
Lily nodded thoughtfully for a moment, staring into the fire embers. "How about we go to Hogsmeade at the end of the week?"
"First weekend is never a Hogsmeade weekend," I pointed out.
"I know," Lily said. I recognized the glint in her eyes from our last bad tryst with fate.
"Lily Evans, what on earth have I done to you," I marveled at her.
"Given me a much needed loosening up," she replied proudly and I barked out laughter.
"Okay, fine. But this time you actually have to LISTEN to my plan." Even with Voldemort on the rise, no one would dare cross Dumbledore, so I was sure the village was safe. For good measure I would borrow the cloak from James and stick to unpopulated areas.
Lily rolled her eyes, "Yes, yes."
"Merlin, you've gotten cheeky."
"Yes. I tried earlier," she said suddenly. "With Pott—James. I know it's important to you and he's your best mate so maybe it would make it easier if we were cordial.".
"You made his night," I said laughing.
"I wasn't THAT nice!" she exclaimed incredulously.
"Doesn't matter. You called him James," I said. Her mouth snapped shut and she shook her head.
"I don't understand him," she said finally. After a few silent moments she let out a large yawn. "But I should still nip up to bed. I don't want to be late to class tomorrow morning."
"Ahh, the old Lily I know and love." The words spilled out before I realized what I said. The L word stuck to us and penetrated every pore. Her green eyes looked at mine and I tried the best I could to dilute the palpable tension. "Bed?" I offered weakly.
"Right," she agreed quickly and jumped off the sofa as if it had electricity coursing through it. We walked to the stairs and Lily turned toward me. "Good night, Sirius."
"Night, Lily."
She linked her fingers in mine and my mind was clouded by her touch. Lily took a step closer and wrapped her arms around my waist. I buried myself in her hair, clutching her head to my chest and kissing the top of her head. I wished we could stay in this easy moment, alone and free from any burdens. I often wished I could freeze time with Lily; when I was with her my dark history didn't matter and neither did the increasingly dark future.
"It's good to have you around," I said when we pulled apart.
"Back at you, Black." Lily turned to ascend the girl's stairs. She waved about half way up before turning around and bouncing up to the dormitories. It took me a minute to remember I should be going to my own dorm and I shook my head once to rid myself of the Lily haze. As if one contraction of my neck muscles could do what six years of time could not.
The thought of sneaking out with Lily to Hogsmeade got me through my first week of classes. Between lessons and Quidditch practice, I was surprised when I realized it was Friday. Lily and I had Ancient Runes together sans marauders (I was good with numbers, but Peter and James dropped out after the first week and Remus had no interest), which was perfect for plotting. I expected Lily to back out as the time grew closer. But the entire week she planned with fearless confidence, and I knew better than to doubt her. Night time would be trickier to pull off; teachers took part of nightly rounds with Prefects as Voldemort's numbers grew every day. Because of this, we decided Saturday day would be prudent.
It was almost dawn before I could finally calm my nerves enough to give into my heavy eyelids Friday night. And yet, instead of the usual drudgery of waking up, I felt invigorated and hopped out of my four poster.
"Where on earth are you going?" Remus asked, just finishing up getting up. I forgot he woke up early (I never was conscious to see it). Bullocks.
"To… eat." I said, which was not entirely untrue. Lily and I would be eating at some point today.
"Brilliant, I need a spot of breakfast myself," Remus said brightly. Think fast, think fast, think fast.
"But actually," I said dramatically, grabbing my abdomen. "I don't feel so great." I ran into the common bathroom and slammed the door, faking retching noises. "Just go on without me!" I cried out more fake moans. I could picture Remus' form hesitating behind the door, fighting his gut reaction to rush in after me and total disgust for what he thought I was doing.
"Are you sure?" He called out gingerly. I let out another loud, fake belch. "Anything I can get you?" he added.
"No… just go on mate, I'm going to have a lay in." I called out. Please, please bugger off.
"Okay… I'll be back after to check on you!" he called. NO.
"No, don't worry, I'm going to go to…the infirmary!" Yes, that will keep him at bay. If he knows I'm getting treated. For my fake illness.
"Good!" he called, obviously relieved. "Let me know if you need help." I finally heard him retreat from the dormitory.
I stopped making noise immediately, praying I hadn't woken the rest of my peers. I snuck out of the bathroom tentatively and found the entire room of boys to be silent and motionless. I checked my watch, a gift from James' parents, and saw it was close to Lily's meeting time.
I cursed under my breath and moved toward James' trunk. I casted a quick Mufflato and hastily opened the trunk. I moved my hand around its contents until I discovered the two objects necessary for my plan: the silken material of his invisibility cloak and the crinkle of our own invention, The Marauder's Map. I stowed both under my jumper and headed out the common room to the one- eyed witch statue. Lily up early on a Saturday morning would be of no surprise to anyone, but I needed to dodge all company carefully, worried word may somehow reach Remus and he'd come looking for me.
I get closer to my destination, and see Lily has beaten me there. Typical. She's trying to look natural, but failing abysmally as her nervous eyes dart from painting to painting. Finally, they rest on me and her nervous ticks cease. Does she really feel that safe with me?
I kept silent, afraid of disturbing the slumbering portraits. I walked to the statue and whispered the spell, catching a glimpse of Lily's surprise as the hump moved. I turned and offered her my hand to climb up and descend first.
I was careful to only reveal this one secret passage to her, instead of all seven. One, because it felt like Marauder treachery—we all worked hard to figure out ways out of the castle I couldn't give away all our information and secrets. Plus, the passage under the Whomping Willow could lead her to danger. Or death. Or at least too many questions I was in no position to answer.
We traveled to Hogsmede quite seamlessly, easily laughing and mapping out plans of our day. Once the passage began to slope upwards, I threw the invisibility cloak over the two of us. Even though I told Lily about the cloak in the planning phase of our trip, she still gasped out of awe when the silvery curtain hung over her. What I did not anticipate was how tall I was, and that we both needed to duck and be close together. Very close together.
All I could smell was Lily and I had to constantly pull my thoughts away from how I could use this tunnel to be alone with her…
We started ascending stairs quickly and Lily quieted, knowing we were close to the cellar. We both stopped when our heads hit ceiling and I gently lifted the square in the floor to make sure no people were occupying our exit. All I could see was a thick layer of dust, and I knew that we must be in the clear. On past busier weekends the old shopkeeper frequently had to shuffle downstairs to restock, but I believed it was early enough in the day that the basement would remain vacant.
I shoved off the cover and hoisted myself out of the hole and pulled the cloak over me. I chuckled at the gasp Lily let out, "Expecting something a bit stealthier, Evans?" I asked as I grabbed her hands to help her pull herself up. Her eyes were wide and she quickly ducked under the cloak with me.
"That was careless!" she hissed at me as she quickly took out her wand and muttered words I couldn't hear, replacing the slab of concrete in the floor and the dust that had been disturbed by our entrance.
"I was going to do that next," I replied, rolling my eyes. "I have done this a few times."
"More than I care to know, I expect," she said. Leave it to Lily Evans to make me feel guilty as we're breaking a dozen school rules.
"Cummon, let's get a move on," I said, and started walking. The cloak immediately slipped off Lily as she wasn't used to moving in tandem. I spun back around and threw the thin silvery material back over her.
"Stand in front, it'll be easier, I'll follow you." I said.
"Sorry," she said quietly, and sounded a bit embarrassed.
I linked my arm around her waist to be able to keep her from walking too far ahead. I heard her breath hitch and started, "I'm sorry, is this okay?" I asked, taking my arm off her waist for a moment (I should have directed the question at myself and my waning self composure).
"Yes," she said and placed it back around her. We slowly shuffled across the floor and up the stairs.
"Easy," I whispered as we pushed the cellar door open, hoping for it to seem as if a gust of wind was the culprit.
I was hoping at some point I would develop and immunity to her scent, her looks, to her ANYTHING which would make this easier. It seemed unlikely. I was lost in my thoughts as we slowly progressed through the deserted store.
I didn't realize we were outside until Lily stopped walking, "Where to?"
"I think we're safe." I pulled the cloak off and stowed it in my pocket.
"Cummon," I grabbed Lily's hand—it was almost second nature now. Almost. My speeding pulse would never slow at her touch.
She followed until-"The Shrieking Shack?"
"Is that its name now?" I asked, mildly bemused thinking about the monthly trips here with my mates. My thoughts lingered over Remus' painful transformations, "That's fitting." I conceited.
"It's supposed to be haunted," Lily stated, not suppressing her slight hesitancy.
"Scared, Evans?"
"No!" she said defensively. "Just saying what I've heard 'round the castle."
I chuckled, but immediately stopped when I saw who was about to cross our path. Lily stopped walking all together, jolting my hand backwards.
His slimy face broke out into a grin that made my flesh crawl. It took all my self control to not jinx it off on the spot.
"Snivellius," I said as he finally reached us. His smile did falter as it fell on our entwined hands. Good. Stupid sod.
"Black," he countered coldly. "Or have you permanently changed it to Potter? I noticed your absence from the family tapestry when I visited this summer."
I don't know which made me madder, commenting on the Potter name like it was disgusting or the fact he walked the halls of my house.
"Leave it, Severus," Lily snapped, finding her voice at last. His face softened when it met her steely glare, and said nothing. His eyes obviously found their way back down to our locked hands, and I felt uncomfortable for the first time under his calculating look. Lily's face colored red and she hastily pulled away her hand from my grip. What was going on?
He started to stalk past us and Lily shouted as he left, "This is how it is now, yeah?" He stopped and spun around, I had never seen him more—human looking. It was really throwing me for a loop.
"I think you've made it clear which side you're on," he spat dangerously, glaring at me.
"And so did you, last May!" Lily shook her head in disgust. "Five years! Five years, Severus and you just cast it aside like it, like it was nothing! I'm glad our friendship meant so much to you." I had never heard her voice so cutting. I was beyond keeping up, I just watched the fight progress, shocked that for once I was the calm one in a situation involving Snape.
He stumbled forward and his voice was pleading, "Lily, that's not true, it—"
"Get away from me!" she screeched and pulled her hands back that he tried to grab. Her cry broke my trance of disbelief and I grabbed for my wand. "I trusted you! We grew up together, Sev!" I saw angry tears tracing themselves down her cheek and was flummoxed. What the bloody hell?
Snape looked as if he was in physical pain. "Lily, if you'd just listen. I never meant to hurt you."
"Bullocks! You knew what you were doing! You knew where this would go once you started hanging out with them! You knew I would never join them, you knew it would come to a choice." She wiped her cheeks. "And you made it." The alley was utterly silent as I watched them watch each other's faces intently. For the first time outside of Black Manor, I felt invisible.
"I may be a mudblood," she said, holding her head high. "And a girl. But I'm twice the wizard you'll ever be. You're a coward, Sev." His face was crushed. I was floored.
"That's what he's telling you, yeah?" he shot back bitterly, nodding in my direction. "That I'm a coward? The boy that ran out on his family?" I was used to Slytherin taunts about my family, this was nothing new. I knew the truth and could care less. But Lily was seething. She reached in her robes for her wand.
"Don't talk about him like that. He's been more of a friend to me than you ever were." She said fiercely, and I all of a sudden in a rush knew why she had been chosen for Gryffindor. Her loyalty.
"Yeah I'm sure all he has is friendship on his mind," he said suggestively, sending a look of disgust at me and grabbed his own wand out of his pocket, aiming it my direction.
"LEAVE HIM OUT OF THIS!" Lily shot a jet of green light at Severus, blasting him back fifteen feet. My eyes widened, I had never seen Lily out of control. He got up from the ground and lifted his wand to retaliate, and something inside of me snapped.
I jumped in between the two and shot a body-binding curse at Snape. I watched him fall stiff as a board to the ground. I spun around to Lily, whose eyes were trained on his form on the cobblestoned path.
"Are you—?" I started with my hand out.
"I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!" She snapped. I couldn't keep up with her today; I had no clue what I'd done.
"Lily, I know! When I saw him turn on you something snapped and I—"
"I'm capable of handling one Slytherin. It was my battle. Not yours."
"It was sure as hell mine, I was brought up quite a bit if you didn't notice!" I countered, stubborn Black traits asserting themselves. I wasn't going to apologize for defending Lily. For defending what I loved.
"Oh he was just trying to bait you!" she shot back, "you know that. And you fell for it!"
"Trying to bait me?" I said in disbelief. "You threw the first curse, which I mean, was brilliant, but—"
"You don't even know," she said lowly. "You don't know what it was for. This wasn't your fight." She lowered her wand and backed up from Severus, still bound by my curse. "I don't need it to happen again." She whispered, her eyes furiously going between Severus and me.
And before I could call after her, she turned and ran, leaving me stunned behind.