After being mates with the Marauders for six years, I had witnessed confusing things. Take for example the time a transfiguration practice session went wrong and James got himself a tea kettle for a head. For a month every time he sneezed steam came out his ears. And then, there was the time Peter fashioned himself a headdress of onions because he read it kept away vampires. It took him three weeks to realize me and James had written the fake article and left it for him to read.
But I had never been more flummoxed than the time Lily Evans shouted at Snape, shouted at me, and then took off. Not only was it incredibly out of character (the shouting at me bit) but it was stupid beyond belief to be traveling around Hogsmede or any place alone during these times. Especially when one didn't have a broom, or knowledge of illegal apparition.
It took me a minute to take off in the direction Lily started running, and I for once I had no idea where she would be. Whenever Lily ran from stressful situations before, it was to me…. Where was she going now? Clearly, she had no desire to be found.
I looked around Hogsmeade for hours under the invisibility cloak, and then finally had the sense to check the Marauder's Map. Common room… dorm…. Library.
Of course.
I felt a huge sense of relief as I saw her dot motionless on the map, safe. I was out of breath from my tireless search and took a large gulp of autumn air. If I looked at the map a sooner I would have seen Lily's dot interacting with someone else…
Lily threw herself out of the one- eyed witch statue with careless abandon. Her steps echoed around the deserted corridor and she couldn't bring herself to care. The paintings had faces of shock and one whispered, "Not the Evans girl! She was always so good!"
"Shut up!" she spat back at them.
"Lily? Is that you?" A voice questioned.
"Merlin, are you all right?" he asked in surprise, eyeing her tear stained face, dirt covered hands and askew hair.
"I'm fine, Remus." Lily said.
"You sure? You know, I can listen well. How else could I be friends with Sirius and James for so long?" Remus noticed the way her eyes darkened at Sirius' name.
"Thanks," she said stiffly, yanking her hair into place. "I was just off to the library."
"Excellent, well I'm off to the hospital wing so I can walk with you a bit," he said brightly, not willing to let an obviously distressed Lily be alone. They were Prefects together, after all, and fellow Gryffindors.
"Hospital wing?" Lily asked. Remus was sick an awful lot, and she suddenly felt bad for lying and not paying more attention to her co- Prefect's condition. Her head had been in the clouds this week.
"For once it's not me!" Remus laughed. "Sirius was sick this morning. I want to check up on him, see if he wanted anything for entertainment."
Lily's eyes widened, "No!" The laughter died off Remus' face and it was quickly replaced by confusion.
"No really, he was retching in our bathroom—"
"No," Lily said shaking her head, recovering her little bit of composure. "I... I saw him walking around. I don't think he's there anymore."
Remus' eyes moved from Lily's dirt stained hands to the one-eyed witch statue. There was no possible way she could know the passageway…
Unless she had been with a Marauder.
Suddenly small things seemed to make sense. Remus thought back to Lily showing kindness to James, the owls flying back and forth from Sirius' window all summer. Sirius' mysterious outing to Diagon Ally... If he was meeting with Veronica, why hadn't he been with her at all this week? In fact, Sirius stayed far away from any girls...
Lupin looked back and saw Lily staring down at the floor. "Thanks," he said quietly. "I'm sure you know the way to the library by yourself after all these years," he said in a small voice. As he turned to leave he saw a flash of fear in Lily's eyes and his thoughts were confirmed.
Wherever Sirius was, he had some explaining to do.
Before I faced James, Lily, or Snape for that matter, I needed to figure out what the hell was going on. My feet aimlessly wandered to the local pub where a rather young and attractive girl worked the bar. I ordered firewhiskey after firewhiskey and maybe if this had been a year ago, the smiles and winks she passed my way would have worked.
I tried to sort through Lily's conversation with Snape; it was clear they had been much closer friends than I anticipated. I had a flash of his look of disgust when he noticed our interlocked hands and how Lily pulled away… were they more than friends?
My stomach rolled, but not from the firewhiskey. The thought of Lily with any other guy, especially Severus Snape, made me physically ill. Clearly, whatever they had was over. What about all that talk about sides and joining up... was Severus becoming a death eater? Was Hogwarts already in Lord Voldemort's clutches?
Then there was James. And Lily. And James being in love with Lily. And me being in love with Lily. And Snape being in love with Lily. And Lily being in love with… who? Severus? Me? My head was spinning when I finally stumbled out of the pub and found my way back to the Shrieking Shack without making a buffoon of myself.
The underground tunnel to the Whomping Willow had never been so long, but taking the One- Eyed witch passageway so many times in one day seemed a bit dodgy. The castle would definitely be more populated now than it was this morning. The walk gave me time to sober up and form a plan. I would put back the cloak and map, and then find Lily to talk and get to the bottom of why she was upset.
I executed the first part of the plan seamlessly. I deposited the items back in James' trunk in Gryffindor tower. But when I turned to leave, Remus was leaning against the exit and scared me out of my wits.
"Merlin, Moony!" I exclaimed, clutching my chest. "You scared the piss out of me."
Remus did not smile, laugh or show any sign of friendliness on his face. "How are you feeling?"
"Wha-? Oh!" I remembered my act this morning. "Loads better, thanks mate. I think Prongs or Wormy were playing a prank." I threw a smile in.
Remus' eyes were trained on my face. "Where were you?"
"What do you mean?"
"Map? Cloak? You don't need those in the Hospital Wing," Remus said, still not moving from his tense stance. The back of my neck started to sweat and itch uncomfortably.
"I forgot I knicked 'em off James earlier this week, I was just putting them back." I hoped my voice didn't sound as panicked as I felt.
"I saw Lily today." His eyes shifted to resemble steel, more unkind than I had ever seen them.
Relax, I told myself. This could be a coincidence.
"Was she hexing James?" I said jokingly.
"She was outside the one- eyed witch passageway."
"Loads of students go down that corridor, Moony," I reasoned. Which was completely true, albeit it was a complete rotten bit of luck she ran into him at that moment. I'm sure Lily did not have a list of lies and alcohol laden composure to lean on.
"Stop it." Lupin shook his head and started moving toward me. "Tell me the truth. What's going on with you and Lily?"
I froze. Lupin's face softened. "I'm not going to yell at you, or lecture you, I'm just concerned. For both of you. And other people as well, as your friend for six years I deserve to know."
I let out a deep breath. "Sit down," I said and I told him. From the first time we had ever been each other's source of comfort, to staying at her house, to the trip to Diagon Ally, to today.
"Merlin," Remus muttered under his breath.
"I know," I wish I had another firewhiskey to drain.
He looked at my face for a full minute before speaking. "You really care about her, don't you?"
I ran my fingers through my hair and cradled my head in my arms. "Unbearably." I was suddenly pinched by anger. "And I've done NOTHING about it. Why? Because of James' stupid crush! He doesn't know her like I do! He doesn't know about her family, her favorite muggle things, what music she likes, what she does every morning, he knows NOTHING. I've known girls for an hour and snogged them senseless, but in love with Lily Evans for three years? Nope. Can't make a move on her. No clue if she even likes me back." I punched the floor and bit my lip to hold back a cry of pain. Stupid stone castle.
Lupin looked as calm as ever and absorbed my anger in silence. "You're in love with her." Really, that's what he takes from this? My silence spoke volumes. I stared at the ground, refusing to admit the hopelessness of my situation.
"You're truly a good friend. I know you don't love easily, you've never cared for another girl like this, or even another person outside of me and James and Peter. I know this must be tearing you up." Only every moment of every day.
"What are you going to do?"
I've asked myself ever since I sat down on Lily Evans' doorstep and accepted her invitation to stay at her house.
"The way I see it you have three options. One, cut off all ties with Lily."
I grimaced and turned white. "That's—"
"Less than ideal, obviously," he said calmly. That was an understatement. "Two, you go patch things up with her and see where they go and continue lying to James. Three, you go patch things up and tell James. They're not dating. Yes, he cares for her, but Sirius we're sixteen. They're not engaged, they're not getting married, and Merlin, they've never even been on a date. James is popular, good looking, and there will be plenty of girls for him. I know it feels like betrayal, but that's because you're hiding it. James would die for you, he wants you to be happy. You at least owe him the truth."
Cor, that was well put. I tried to figure out those three options for three years. When put like that, it made me and Lily being together seem so inconsequential and easy. Yes, all four of us Marauders were best friends, but me and James were brothers. I called his feelings a "stupid crush" in my moment of anger, but I know his affection for Lily ran deeply. At the moment, there was nothing to tell! We weren't anything; I never even kissed her for Merlin's sake. So what do I do?
Lupin was staring at me, but didn't look like he was expecting an answer. More as if he was seeing me for the first time; my explanation was something he did not expect and possibly didn't believe me to be capable of.
"What would you do?" I asked back.
"I've never loved anyone like that either," he said with a sad smile. What he didn't add was: and as a werewolf I probably never will. I felt a rush of pity his low self-esteem because of his condition. Any girl would be lucky to have him, much more so than me—the rebellious, callous Black."All I know is if I felt what you did, I wouldn't be able to give it up." He put a hand on my shoulder to stand. "I'm here to listen whenever you need it, mate. And to stay silent as well." He shut the dormitory door gently behind him.
I sat, my head swimming with thoughts until I slipped into a firewhiskey induced catatonic rest, vowing to figure out which of the three options I was acting on.
"Are you sure?" The blonde man asked. His face was young, but cold. He graduated Hogwarts nearly a decade ago, but still had roots within the walls; he was a recruiter.
Snape thought back to the afternoon and his trip to the abandoned Hogs Head Pub. He thought about Lily and Black holding hands and their fight. He saw the anger in Lily's eyes compared to the way she looked at him. Snape knew Lily would never look at him that way, he ruined it. There was no going back now.
"Yes," Snape said coolly.
"Good." Lucius Malfoy took an idle sip of his firewhisky. "The Dark Lord will be meeting the new recruits all at once to decide your… loyalty." His lazy tone made it clear he felt entitled over the young greasy boy.
"Is that necessary?" Snape said, slightly on edge.
"Naturally. The Dark Lord does not want anyone weak of mind," he said his eyes lingering on Snape, "that's not a problem, is it?"
"Of course not," Snape spat darkly.
"I'll let you know when." Malfoy polished off his firewhisky in a neat gulp.
Snape did not wait to see him finish, slamming some silver on the table and leaving the pub to storm back to the castle. He headed straight to the library and checked out the first book he could find on Occlumency.
I slept off the incredibly poor liquid choices and felt ashamed. I was acting like a bloody idiot, not dealing with anything. I had to speak with Lily first, and then find a way to deal with James as well. Remus was right about one thing (usually about everything), James deserved the truth from me.
I figured I'd wait a bit so I didn't approach Lily when she was still fuming. I knew her well enough and had seen her upset so many times; I knew coming to her before she was ready was a mistake. I didn't want to end up cursed like Snape.
I was not surprised Lily was as far away as possible from me at the Gryffindor table at breakfast Monday morning. I looked wistfully in her direction, and Lupin knowingly exchanged a glance with me. I remembered to compose myself before James' morning haze wore off. We trekked to potions and I was more grim than usual.
My mates quickly caught onto my melancholy disposition and James was the first to question, "What's got your wand in a knot this morning?"
"Er-"
"Is it Victoria?" Peter asked bluntly. I didn't notice the group of gaggling girls behind us until Remus hit Peter on the arm and jerked his finger back to point them out. They ran ahead of us, wide eyed ready to share what they had just heard: Sirius Black was distraught over a girl named Victoria.
"Yeah, erm. We stopped er, hanging out together." I finished lamely.
James' smirk quickly changed into a sympathetic grimace. "I'm sorry mate, I know you fancied her."
"S'right. She was getting a bit needy anyway," I invented. Peter and James nodded in understanding. Lupin stayed silent.
"Well, nothing like potions to cheer you up," James joked. Peter snorted.
"Yup. Spectacular," I said deadpan.
The class passed in its usual tedium. Me and James tried to see how many parchment balls we could levitate into Snape's greasy hair before the end of the period, and Lily of course made a perfect concoction. As we filed out of the room, Lupin shot me a look. He walked ahead with Peter, pointedly leaving me and James behind.
"James, mate, we need to talk."
"What, are you breaking it off with me?" he chided.
I tried to laugh. "Nah, just something—"
"If it's not strategy for the Ravenclaw match Friday, I'm not interested—no offense." James interrupted. "Unless it's really important," he corrected, realizing how crazed he sounded.
"Nah," I weakened, losing my resolve, "s'not important." I didn't need to take James' focus off Quidditch; I could tell him after the match. He would be in such a good, accepting mood if we won. Plus, Lily and I were in a strop; I doubted she would come 'round before the turn of the weekend anyway.
The visit to Hogsmeade had been so promising! Stupid Snape, I thought bitterly to myself. I still had a difficult time believing Lily and Snape had been friends...or something more. My fists clenched. I wanted to know the whole story. Just when I thought I had Lily figured out, another piece of her past surfaced and I was left in the dark again.
I tried to bring my focus back to James' prattling about Quidditch, but my thoughts kept wandering. Luckily, he assumed my inattention was because of my alleged failed relationship.
And for the rest of the week I was equally distracted. Lily went to bed early, leaving me no time to approach her in the common room after nightly Quidditch practice. She also left classes seconds after the bell rang. I even visited the library in search of her. The librarian asked me if I was a transfer student as she had never seen me before.
I tried to compose a letter, but any combination of words or phrases sounded utterly daft. A one-sided conversation was not the solution to our situation. Imagine—
Hey Lily,
Just wanted to say I'm sorry for jumping in a battle against my mortal enemy, who you may or may not have fancied and dated. Want to chat about that for a bit? Brilliant.
Love, Sirius
Absolutely not.
The only time I was conscious of my surroundings was during Quidditch practice. Flying fast and hearing the crack of the wooden bat against a bludger was immensely satisfying in a basic and animalistic way. James couldn't be more pleased.
"Good one!" he called after being walloped in the stomach by one of my well-aimed hits. Only James would be excited by a potentially broken rib.
As I was only paying attention a hundred feet off the ground, I had no clue nosey students had taken false, fragments of overheard conversation and created a full scale tale: Sirius Black was tragically in love with a mysterious Victoria. By the match Friday, majority of the school had heard through some source or other about Sirius Black's predicament. Those who had not, were people living under a rock—like Lily Evans for the past week.
Lily Evans had no desire to attend a Quidditch game. She made it through five full years of Hogwarts without having to show her face at a single match, why change the pattern now? Except for the fact it killed her this past week to avoid Sirius. She was more embarrassed by her actions than angry at him. She knew once she approached Sirius she would have to explain her past with Snape, which was painful. Who wants to embrace pain?
Between trying to find a way to appropriately apologize and explain her relations with Severus, she had been consumed in her thoughts for the past week. She wasn't risking her friendship with Sirius over a hastily- spoken apology; she wanted to know exactly what to say before she approached him to say it. Lily loved plans and hated leaving something so important to chance. Her fellow Gryffindor friends pleaded with her all week to finally go with them to a game and by Thursday night she broke down and agreed.
"Oh excellent!" Alice, a kind girl Lily had shared her dorm with for the past five years, exclaimed on hearing the news.
Lily instantly regretted her decision stepping foot outside the next afternoon as the skies darkened ominously. "We're going to get soaked!"
"Oh common, you cast a great impervio charm! You'll be fine," Alice countered, linking her arm in Lily's.
Lily sighed as the drops started falling more freely. The Gryffindors climbed up the steps to the stands while I was in the tense locker room.
"This is our first match of the season—"
"And your first as captain," I stated matter-of-factly.
"Exactly, yes. Let's start it off on the right foot, shall we?" James asked the team as they chucked.
We walked onto the field some minutes later and the crowd's cheers were deafening. I smiled as the adrenaline started flooding my veins.
James and Wood, the Ravenclaw captain, shook hands to start the match. I took to the air and immediately cracked a bludger to the Ravenclaw keeper, which he narrowly avoided. Ravenclaw took the quaffle and my fellow beater, Johnson, hit the chaser instantly.
The rain was starting to pour, making my visibility crap. I was circling the pitch, hovering close to the edge, getting ready to dive into the game if necessary. When I passed the Gryffindor stands, a high-pitched scream issued from the many girls and I caught the quickest glimpse of flaming red hair.
Lily at a Quidditch match? This discovery distracted me enough for a well-aimed bludger to hit me directly on my flank. Before the ball escaped, I managed to blindly make contact, trying to send it back the way it came. I clenched my teeth as the sharp pain settled into a dull, constant thud. I went back into the game with a vengeance. I hit each bludger with a newfound force, grunting in pain every time I swung my arm.
I didn't dare turn my attention directly to where I thought I saw Lily again. She was in the stands with her hands over her mouth. "Do you think he's okay?" she said breathlessly.
Alice looked confused. "Of course. He's not grounded. There have been much worse injuries in Quidditch. Anyways, I'm sure his girlfriend will nurse him back to health."
"What?" Lily asked her friend, dumbfounded.
I could barely hear the announcer over the noise of the rain and crowd, but I gathered we were leading 70-50. If only James could catch the snitch quickly, I could mend my side and not come down with pneumonia.
The cheers in the stadium picked up and I spun around to see James several feet in front of the Ravenclaw seeker in a steep dive. James must have wrapped his fingers around the little golden ball, because the Gryffindors erupted in cheers and I heard Madame Hootch's whistle, signifying the end of the game.
Alice was too busy cheering to pay attention, and the rest of the crowd was brought to their feet, leaving Lily feeling small on the bench.
"Alice!" Lily yelled, pulling her friend down to sit next to her.
"What? Oh yeah, I heard he finally got a girlfriend. Some Victoria or something." Alice shrugged. She saw the stricken look on Lily's face and asked, "Why? What's wrong?" Lily didn't answer as she pushed through the students to leave the pitch.
I hit the ground and winced as I dismounted my broom. My fellow teammates all joined in lifting James up on their shoulders, but I quickly headed off to the locker room to assess the damage on my side. I disrobed and lifted my under shirt gingerly. In the mirror and poor lighting of the locker room, I got quite a shock as the entire area from the top of my hipbone to right under my chest was a sick purple color. I patted the area and had to bite my knuckle to stop from calling out when I touched my rib cage. One was definitely broken.
The team was cheering, and I quickly dropped my shirt to join them. I'd get it looked at in the morning; no way was I missing our victory party. We changed out of our sopping robes, and headed back to the house celebration together. By the time we arrived, the festivities were in full swing. Illicit Butterbeer and Firewhiskey had shown up, and the older students were drinking like fish. I smiled as different peers came and congratulated me, but I wanted to see someone in particular.
I made my way into the center of the room and heard some wolf-whistles. Lily was lip-locked with some ruddy seventh year and I felt like my entire body had been hit by dozens of bludgers. He had his arms locked around her waist, and I had an animalistic desire to rip them off.
I pushed back through the crowd, grabbing a full bottle of firewhiskey, and storming up the male dormitory stairs.
I didn't even look back to see Lily pull out of the embrace and look wistfully, but strangely determined, at my retreating figure.