Chapter 16

"More stew?"

"Mmm!" Leliana held out her bowl and hurriedly swallowed her mouthful. "Please."

Solona grinned proudly – it had been her turn to cook that night–and ladled more soup into Leliana's bowl. For a sheltered girl, the young mage knew how to make a delicious lamb stew. Apparently, the Circle had a grand collection of cookbooks.

"So d'you like it, then?" she asked happily as she sat beside the redhead.

"Indeed. You're a remarkable cook," Leliana replied with a nod. "Did you cook for Cullen?"

She didn't need to look at her friend to know that her face had gone completely red. Smirking inwardly, Leliana fed herself another spoonful of the stew. Only then did she look up.

Solona twiddled her thumbs and looked down at her lap. "I – I mean, that sort of t-thing wasn't allowed."

"But you would have liked to, yes?"

With a shy smile, the girl twirled a coil of her hair around a finger. "Well... he was always very nice to me."

Aww, that's so adorable. "Was he really?"

"Oh yes. I was a very bookish sort, you see. It helped that I was good at studying, and that allowed me to haunt the library whenever I chose. Cullen would usually accompany me, sometimes even late at night." She smiled and shook her head. "He's very noble. He'd never sit even when I asked him to."

After that, she lapsed into silence. Leliana let her reminisce. Memories of lives left behind were things everyone in their group had in common. Some wanted to get back to it, some didn't and some just couldn't.

I wonder what I'll do when all this ends...

She knew that Lothering had been overrun with Darkspawn. The Chantry there was gone, it was safe to say. Would she find herself another Chantry somewhere? It was a thought.

Life at the Chantry had been one of structure and predictability. Going out had meant visiting the tavern. Leliana had been new to the concept of travelling regularly from A to B. She'd been new to even having an A or B. She'd felt like an alien in a settled landscape. And like any alien, she had been anxious to stay out of trouble.

It was peaceful and Leliana didn't regret her stay there. Not at all. But now that she was on the move again, shooting arrows at Darkspawn and evading the arm of the law while surrounded by a band of adventurers she'd trust her life to, she realised that she was happy. Her blood was stirring like an animal at the end of winter. The old nomad demon was talking to her, quietly, whispering in her head. You're happy now, it was saying. You're happy, aren't you? You even forgot for a moment you're doing the Maker's work, didn't you?

She immediately squashed such thoughts. Doubting her motives would lead to doubting her choices and then her identity, and that was something she wasn't overly fond of doing.

"I'm going to go see whether the others need any more stew, okay?"

Leliana looked up from her bowl and smiled at Solona. "Of course."

But no amount of squashing and stomping would make emotion go away. One could squash it flat, but its mass would not change. It would seep through the cracks. It would find a way.

It always does.

She put the edge of the bowl to her lips and tilted her head back, draining whatever soup remained. She then put it down beside her and licked her lips. It was good soup.

"Hey."

Ah. Speaking of emotion.

"Alistair." She met the man with a smile. "Have you eaten? The stew was divine."

"Yeah, no." He didn't sit. "Can I talk to you? For a moment? In private."

Leliana blinked. "We are quite alone her-"

"Please."

That gave her pause. It must have been something important for him to be that determined for privacy. It made her curious. She wouldn't be able to sleep without knowing what it was he wanted to talk about.

So Leliana rose to her feet. "All right."

Much of the worry clouding his face abated and he even managed a small smile. "Thanks. Come with me."

He led her out of the designated camp area and into the surrounding woods. Leliana folded her hands behind her back as she followed, stopping when he did so by the small pond.

"This private enough for you?" she asked lightly and leaned her back against a tree.

Alistair didn't respond. He paced around in a small circle, pressing his fingers together and putting his joined indexes against his lips.

Must be really important.

"I haven't been completely honest with you."

She stared at him. "Eh?"

He'd stopped his pacing abruptly and stood facing the pond, turned away from her. "I told you before how Arl Eamon raised me, right? That my mother was a serving girl in the castle and he took me in?"

Leliana nodded slowly, but then realised he couldn't see her. "Yes?"

His hands fell to his sides and she heard him take a deep, steadying breath. "The reason he did that was because... my father was King Maric." A slight pause. "Which made Cailan my half-brother, I guess."

She digested the information silently. Being as used to handling sensitive information as she was, Leliana didn't burst out in shock; it would've been counterproductive. Her mind was surprisingly clear and calm, which allowed her to rationalise.

"Okay," she said quietly, which caused him to turn around and blink at her.

"That's it? Okay? That's all the reaction I get? Damn, I worried for nothing," Alistair said with a breathless laugh before clearing his throat.

Leliana was amused, but said nothing.

"Anyhow. I would've told you. I should've told you. A long time ago, in fact." He shoved his hands into his pockets and smiled down at her boots.

"Why didn't you?"

"It never really meant anything to me. I was an inconvenience and a possible threat to Cailan's rule, so they kept me secret. It's always been a burden more than a blessing, really."

"So why tell me now?"

"Why not tell you now?" It was only then that his gaze shot up to meet hers. "I've put it off long enough. With Redcliffe coming up soon, I didn't want you to find out from Eamon or anybody else." He sighed. "Everybody who knew either resented me or coddled me, you know. Even Duncan kept me out of the fighting because of that."

Leliana tilted her head. "So you were afraid of getting treated differently."

"Yes."

"Hmm. I can understand that." She approached him slowly and placed a hand on his shoulder. He didn't flinch or tense up. "It doesn't change anything between us, Alistair. Have you told the others?"

He shook his head. "I've never talked about it to anyone. You're the first." Well. "I didn't want you to find out for as long as possible, and for that I'm sorry. And thank you. For... just thank you."

"No need for either, Alistair." She grinned up at him. "What other secrets have you been keeping from me?"

Alistair chuckled at that. "My unholy love for fine cheeses and a minor obsession with my hair are basically open secrets, so no, nothing else. Just the prince thing."

"Well I personally think that this prince thing you have going on is rather thrilling."

His cheeks flushed slightly at that and Leliana felt the sudden impulse to squeeze them.

"I... uh... not that I'd want someone to like me for that reason, but there are... worse fates." He cleared his throat. "I'm just... I'm just glad you like me for who I am."

He's really sweet, Leliana thought as she reached up and brushed her fingers along his slightly reddened cheek. "As am I," she said quietly.

The diffused moonlight was enough for her to see how his eyes widened at her touch before softening. He imperceptibly moved into her touch and his lips brushed her palm quite by accident, sending a wave of... something tingling up her arm.

Their gazes connected again and Leliana found herself attempting to get on the tips of her toes.

A cold gust of wind disturbed the tranquillity of the night, making a nearby owl burst into a hooting frenzy. The suddenness of it made them both jump out of their skin and step away from each other.

As the owl in question flew over their head, Leliana felt like shaking her fist at it but settled for a cold glare.

Merde! J'espère que tu mourras ce soir!

"Ahem." She snapped her gaze back to Alistair, who stood staring up at the trees, rubbing the nape of his neck and trying to stop himself from smiling. "I... uh... I think we should... get back to camp now."

"Oh." Leliana shuffled her feet. "Yes. I think so too."

"Come on, then."

"Okay."

The silence that fell between them was couched in awkwardness, but she didn't mind it. Leliana shook her head, trying to shake away the goofy grin from her face as well but to no avail.

Maker, what was I thinking?! I suppose I wasn't, but whatever.

His mouth was right. There!

I wonder if he even tastes like wet dog.

"Leli."

How does one even taste like wet dog?

"Leli?"

I wonder what it's like to kiss a prince, though.

"Leliana? Hello?"

I suppose I'll have find ou- no. Stop this.

"Are you in there, Leliana?"

"Hmm?"

She hadn't even realised that they'd reached camp. Why was it that the return journey always felt shorter?

Alistair smiled tentatively and pointed at his tent. "I have second watch, so... I'm going to get some sleep."

Her head bobbed mechanically. "Of course."

"I'll see you in the morning, okay?"

"Sure, sure. Sleep well."

"I'll try. Oh, and Leli?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you. For listening." He lingered for a moment before stepping away from her and waved before turning away.

Leliana let out a breath she didn't realise she'd been holding.

How to be a breathless, tongue-tied maiden had not been in the bard curriculum, but she felt she'd perfected it.

Before she decided to follow Alistair's example and head over to her own tent, a wild, stray thought lodged itself in her mind: You're happy now, aren't you? Getting honesty without being honest in turn? Just like the old days, eh?

Leliana knew then and there that sleep would be an impossibility.