Chapter 17

Alistair was rubbing his palm over his lips when Leliana approached him. Looking up, the man couldn't help but feel that something was off. Her usually pleasant demeanour was drawn into one of intense displeasure. She was frowning, her arms were crossed over her chest, and she emanated so palpable a malevolent aura that Alistair almost felt his spine curl.

"So." Clipped. "How was your kiss, Alistair?"

He did not know why he felt the need to defend himself, but he did.

Alistair just gone looking for a village girl's brother who'd hidden himself in an armoire and hauled him back to the Chantry. The sister had kissed him before he could get a word in. While he somewhat enjoyed it, it had felt inappropriate. There were others ways of expressing gratitude surely.

"Hey, she kissed me!" He spread his arms helplessly. "I tried not to kiss he-"

Leliana did not let him finish.

"It didn't look like it," she snapped back. Alistair shuddered. "How hard is it to not kiss someone? You just don't kiss them!" She waved a hand back and forth, indicating the space between them. "Look at us right now! See? Not kissing!"

Fear made him leap to his feet. He held up his hands. "Let me finish, okay? She started kissing me, and I just didn't know what was happening or I would have stopped it. By the time I realised what'd happened, it was over and she was gone."

Leliana rolled her eyes in response. "Why thank you for taking your tongue out of that girl's mouth long enough to tell me that. Very noble of you."

Part of Alistair wondered where all the hostility was coming from. But another part of him had started thinking about something else entirely.

"Tongue? They use tongue?" He blinked. "How does that even happen? Why does that even happen?"

He stuck out his tongue and held it in place between his lips, peering down his nose at it. This thing goes inside other peoples' mouths? Do people have nothing better to do? Doesn't it feel weird?

"Never mind," Leliana muttered dismissively and pinched the bridge of her nose. Alistair slid his tongue back inside his mouth. "Just... never mind. I'll see you later."

With that, she turned and walked off towards Solona. Alistair watched her go helplessly and dropped his hands to his sides.

"I do so wonder what so enraptures you about our fair bard's swaying hips, friend Alistair."

Alistair felt as if his eyes would roll right back up into his brain. "I wasn't looking at... you know her... hind-quarters."

Beside him, Zevran snickered. "Certainly."

Turning to the elf, Alistair offered an unimpressed frown. "I gazed... glanced, in that direction, maybe, but I wasn't staring... or really seeing anything even." He paused. "Why am I even having this conversation with you? Where did you even come from anyway?"

"Firstly, I am exquisitely charming and disarming, and thus you were charmed and disarmed into conversing with me." The elf chuckled and Alistair felt like throwing his hands up in the air, but then Zevran flicked his thumb over his shoulder towards the Chantry. "And I was educating the brother of the lady who kissed you in regards to how babies were made, but sensing your distress, I thought you needed my expert advice more."

At any other time, Alistair would have been horrified for the boy, but now he just nodded. Yes, good. It's all that little brat's fault.

"So what was all that about? Did you upset our fair bard in some way?"

He scratched his stubble at that, considering. "I don't know. She seemed pretty ticked off though. She didn't like that I was kissed."

Zevran sighed deeply and shook his head. "Of course she is. Tell me friend Alistair, do you know anything about how women work?"

The blond man stared at his associate. "...no."

"Ah, that explains why you are essentially woo-less. Fortunately for you, you have me for a friend." Placing his satchel on the ground, Zevran knelt and sifted about his belongings. "You have a love for fine ass, my friend, and I respect that. You are a man of refined tastes, a man worth helping."

What the fuck is this conversation?

Alistair started to back away. "Yeah, I think I'm going to pas-"

"Aha! I knew I had it!" Grinning widely, Zevran straightened, turned and pushed a bound book into Alistair's hands. "Here you are. This ought to set you on the right course."

Alistair looked down at the cover and raised a brow.

"The Lusty Antivan Maid. Zevran, what is this?"

"Instructive and educational erotica. The best money can buy in all of Thedas," the assassin replied, shouldering his pack and heading off towards camp. "Read that before your exertions tonight, friend Alistair. You might learn something."

Not knowing what a suitable response would be, Alistair said, "I'm not your friend."

"Ohoho! Of course."