Mirror Image
Chapter Two
She wiped at the mascara streaming down her cheek, like the runaway tears that had wet it. Looking at herself in the mirror, JJ was confronted with the reddened, wild eyes of a woman whose life had just spun out of control.
I can't believe it. I just can't believe it. After all this time….
After all this time of trying so hard not to acknowledge it, even to herself. All this time of refusing to put a name to it, even in her own thoughts. All this time of trying so hard to turn it into something else, to reshape the sharp edges that still managed to pierce her now and again.
After all this time, the only thing she'd ever succeeded at was not saying it aloud. Until yesterday, when she'd failed at that, as well.
Oh, Spence.
She could only imagine what he'd seen when she'd turned to him in the moment after he'd freed her. The shock in her eyes, first, at having survived, and then, at the realization of what lay between them.
What I put between us. Oh, God, oh God, oh God, oh God… I swore to myself I would take it to the grave with me. But then, when I thought that might actually happen… and you were there, and….. oh, God.
She'd never meant for him to know. Not officially. Not to the point where it could become a wedge between them. For that matter, she wished she'd never known. She wished for that time before she'd realized it.
She'd beaten him to the BAU by only a few months, long enough to have established her role, but short enough not to have become quite so accustomed to the things they saw and did on a daily basis. Though he'd been only two years younger than she, his appearance, his mannerisms and the fact that he'd become nearly petrified whenever she'd been near him, had made the age gap seem far greater. It hadn't been until Hotch had started bringing her along on away cases that she and Reid had actually had more than a cursory conversation, and even then, it had been mostly about the crime at hand.
Until our 'date'.
Smiling in spite of herself, and her situation.
That was his birthday, the day he asked me. I remember that. I'm not sure I would have agreed, otherwise.
The 'date' had confirmed him as young, and inexperienced, and she'd actually felt a little maternal towards him. But that had begun to change, ever so gradually, over the course of working a seemingly endless succession of cases together. She'd taken note of the confidence in his tone, when he wasn't in a social setting. She'd begun to appreciate, not just his intelligence, but his insight. She'd silently cheered him on for the victories of having contributed to the solving of a case, or the saving of a life. She'd even sought his advice, a time or two. Her affection for him had become infused with respect and admiration, and she'd begun to lose her need to mother him.
But then there had been that disastrous case in Georgia, which had left both of them deeply traumatized, and the fallout from it had created a chasm that she hadn't known how to bridge. Into that space had come Will, and his southern charm, and she'd been looking for something to ease the pain…. And, by the time both she and Reid had emerged, things had completely changed.
But not everything. She'd still cared about him. She'd still worried when he was in danger, or distressed. She'd still admired him, and respected him. She'd been wise enough, familiar enough with human failings, that she'd not focused on his frailties, but on his strength in overcoming them. So it had been only natural for her invite him to be godfather to her firstborn son.
That's what I told myself. That I was looking out for Henry. What if I was really just finding a way for us to be permanently in each other's lives?
She'd gotten caught up in the process of parenting and found Will a loving partner in the enterprise. Then, seemingly out of the blue, she'd been pulled from the BAU, and from everything familiar to her, including Reid. She'd been caught off guard when it had been his counsel, and not Will's that she'd longed for when she'd been in Afghanistan.
I told myself that it was because Spence knew me better in the workplace. But what if that wasn't it?
Still, Will had become present to her desert experience when she'd found out she was pregnant once again.
But not present enough for me to have told him about it. About her. Maggie.
She'd returned to find Emily in trouble, and ultimately had made the decision to cooperate in a deception that had nearly cost her the most precious adult relationship of her life.
How was that love? I told him I've loved him all along, but how could he remember that, and still believe me?
He'd forgiven her then, even though it had been painful, because he'd loved her. She'd known he would. She'd prayed he would, because she'd loved him.
But despite knowing how much each of them cared for the other, she'd also known that she loved her son, and his father, and the life they'd made together. So much so that, when all of that had been threatened, she'd responded by making the bonds permanent. She'd already turned him down four times, which should have given her more pause. But, in the throes of relief at his sparing, and that of Henry, she'd made them an official family, and married Will. And she'd tried not to look at Reid as he'd helped Henry with the wedding rings.
Still, they'd continued to work side-by-side, and she'd continued to be acutely aware of his presence. She'd continued to celebrate his triumphs, and support him in his low points. And, from time to time, she'd wondered, 'what if?'.
Always, she'd known he'd loved her. So she'd been taken aback to hear that he'd fallen in love with another, and even more so by the fact that he'd kept it from her. She'd learned of Maeve Donovan's existence on the day of the woman's death. She'd been with Reid as he'd watched the woman he loved…..who wasn't her…die. Afterward, she'd reached out to him over and over again, rebuffed each time, until finally, he'd surprised them on a case, and surrendered to her embrace. She'd sworn, then, that she would never allow him to be in such pain again.
As though I had control of his life. Pshaw! As though I've ever even had control of my own!
But she hadn't. Eventually, life had become kind to her, and granted her another son, and Reid another godchild. But it seemed to have reviled Reid.
I don't think I've ever felt as much pain as when I had to leave him in that prison. He looked so lost, and frightened, and alone. I thought my heart would break. Maybe it did. Maybe it broke wide open. Maybe it's still wide open.
She'd agonized through the entirety of it, unable to sleep without dreaming of Reid, unable to get through her day without wondering what he was enduring at the very same moment. When he'd at last been released, she'd felt joy like she'd never known, relief beyond measure, and she'd poured both of those things into an embrace that she would remember for the rest of her life. When it was over, she'd accompanied him to the intimidating task of turning Cat Adams, and saving his mother.
I hate that woman. I hate Cat Adams for what she did put him through. Not just for what she did to Diana, but for what she did to Spence. She was inside his head. She knew how much his integrity meant to him, and she forced him to admit that he'd lost it. More to the point, she him say it in front of me.
Because, even if Jennifer Jareau and Spencer Reid had never admitted it to each other, Cat Adams had easily read what was between them, and she'd used it to torture Reid.
I was too raw then, too close to him being in prison. I couldn't hide it.
Just as she'd been unable to hide it a few hours ago, when he'd asked her if she'd told the truth, in her game of truth or dare.
You already knew the truth, Spence. Why ask?
But, just as he had, she'd known the answer even before she'd asked the question. He'd asked her, so she could lie to him. He'd given her the chance to take it back, so they could go on being who they were, and who they'd been to one another.
He had to know she loved her family, he'd been witness to it often enough. He had to know she would never leave them. She prayed he would understand that was why she'd never told him.
It wouldn't have changed anything. We'd just be in the agony we're in now.
She'd no sooner had the thought than she'd challenged it.
Why are you assuming he's upset about this? Are you assuming he's been pining for you the whole time? After all, didn't he tell you, 'Everything's okay"?
But she was as sure of Reid's love for her as she was of anything in her life.
He just meant for me to know that he accepts it…both my love, and the fact that nothing can change.
Part of her wondered what would have happened if she'd given him a different answer. What if she'd admitted that she meant it?
It's not like we would have run away together. Not like we could go off and have this amazing life, and leave everyone and everything behind. We're defined, in large part, by the lives we've led. Our lives brought us together, and one day…
One day, their lives would lead them apart. Which thought saddened her tremendously.
But I have to love you enough to let you go, don't I?
She stared at the woman in the mirror, as a certain resolve entered her eyes.
Okay, so I will. You know how I feel about you. I know how you feel about me, even if you've never quite said those words. I can live with that if you can.
The woman in the mirror closed her eyes, indulging in one last fantasy.
If only we could have had one moment. Just one moment, where we were a man and a woman who could have loved one another, even just held one another, just because of love. Not from fear, or relief, or anguish. Just because we love each other. Just one moment, of holding and being held.
She heaved a giant sigh, as she opened her eyes again, and faced her mirror image.
Time to buck it up, girl. You're a happily married woman, with two amazing sons. And you have a best friend…..
Her face giving up the charade, and crumpling…
You HAD a best friend. Please, God, that he still is.
Which was when she realized that she couldn't simply bury her feelings, and move on as though Reid's 'Everything's okay' was fact. She was going to have to make it so. She was going to have to do that which had long been anathema to her.
JJ picked up her phone from the bureau, and began tapping at the screen.
IT'S NOT OKAY. I'M NOT OKAY. CAN WE TALK?
A.N. Okay, I guess it's going to be a three shot.