Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, I play in the sandbox only.
AN: Was supposed to post this yesterday but I was at a hen do. Saw Olly Murs, won on the races. Took me 2 hours to get home though, tired at work today . ~ Hannah.
Reviews for Chapter Forty-Nine:
GraceEllingson - Thanks :) It hurts that I have to write Ella going through such a hard time but it will build her up stronger in the long run. Lauren, I had an epiphany about her. I was always going to change her behaviour but she was just going to be a small side note. Now she's become one of the gang but you won't see that till later :) She's got a lot to show!
Chapter Fifty – Searching
Everyone was searching for something, something that was difficult to find or difficult to attain. I should have told them that few got the prize they were searching for in the end but it was hard to communicate that when you were locked out of the 'secret meetings'. Sure, they'd got better at hiding them and had been more inclusive that when I first returned from the hospital, but still, not cool.
Jazz and Carlisle were really helping, as was, surprisingly, Lauren. I guess it was easier to help when you had some sense of what was happening. Don't get me wrong, I loved all the Cullen's and all my friends and family but I was vastly becoming annoyed with them. You would have thought they'd learn how to act around me but apparently, they needed a giant neon billboard sign pointing them in the right direction.
I suppose they didn't know what to say and I got it, I really did. This shit was hard. There were days when I felt like my old self in a world where there were no problems and nothing bad had happened to me and then there were other days where I hoped the ground would swallow me up whole.
I was learning to deal with everything that had happened to me. It wasn't a pleasant experience but it was a necessary one. I could, of course, have said I wanted to put the past behind me and never think of it again but I am not like that. I couldn't move on with my life while there was a black cloud hanging over me. I needed to know what had happened during the time Marco was around for if not I would surely go mad.
I knew what everyone was working hard towards. I guess it was their way of helping me. I had to applaud them for it, even though it wasn't something I would have asked them or wanted them to do. This healing process was as much about me as it was about them. Though their pain wasn't from physical trauma, they had emotional trauma to deal with and I had to recognise that. The Cullen's were working with Adrian and his family to find the 'Master' but I didn't know how successful they would be.
It seemed to me that though Marco was compromised, this Master had worked quite successfully from the side-lines, moving us around like chess pieces and therefore wouldn't be so easily caught. It was only an inkling I had but I didn't think it was going to be an easy thing to find and end this 'Master'. To me, it felt like something that was going to drag out, something that was going to get worse before it got better. Perhaps I am just being pessimistic.
Part of me wanted to live my life as normally as possible while another part of me fought against that. I was trying to live the rest of the summer as normally as possible. I knew I wasn't normal and that what had happened to be wasn't normal but it was important to for my recovery to think normally. I had never thought of hypnosis as a respectable form of memory recovery. I suppose that is the fault of how it's portrayed in the media, as a magical myth.
Jazz was very good at what he did with me. I knew it must take some out of him to be with me when my emotions were so high but it was clear that he was practiced in what he did. After the first session, the memories didn't come back for several hours after the session but when they did they made me feel cold and violated. I had a breakdown, crying on the bathroom floor. I cannot express the mired of emotions I felt in that one moment and I wished I could have pretended that my experiences were not my own but someone else's. Wrapped in the embrace of both Rose and Emmett who had come running to the sounds of my cries, I suppose I reached a turning point. Some would have argued that the sessions stop right then and there but I wanted to continue. However bad the emotions I experienced when the memories came back I couldn't ignore the sense of relief that came with them.
Marco had used my mind and soul but he hadn't used my body. That was a big relief. I already felt guilty for how I had let him use me but at least I could look in Edward's eyes and assure him that nothing else had happened.
The second session with Jazz had made me feel sick. The way Marco had talked to me and the way my mind had followed alone. It was so far away from what I was like as a person that I struggled to understand how he could have controlled me so. Of course, he used his dark fey magic but that didn't make me feel any better. In my mind, I should have fought him, I should have been stronger than he was and I should have been able to get away. I suppose that was what I was learning now, learning that what happened wasn't my fault and that it was never avoidable. It would have happened regardless. The past was the past, we may never know what would or could have happened.
Feeling like an invalid and stuck in the house, my moral wasn't exactly high at present. Though I tried to communicate how I was feeling to those around me, I found them unwilling to listen. Everyone was learning to cope, learning to move forward and learning to deal with this new me. It's just that they were learning in the wrong way and wouldn't listen when I told them so.
There was a hole missing in my heart, not from all that had happened but it hurt when I felt for it. I knew what the hole was from and where it was coming from. Edward, the man I should have been so happy to see was avoiding me. Part of me could understand but the other part of me was screaming to be heard, screaming for his touch, his love and his comfort.
"I'm so glad you're here, let's go upstairs to my room."
"Wow, you really are glad, almost pulled my arm from my socket then."
"Sorry Lauren."
"It's alright Ella. I gather things aren't going well?"
"Everyone is really trying."
"That's not what I asked you."
"They're supporting me but it's not the support I need. Sometimes I get a moment with someone and I'm comforted or I laugh or I get distracted and I think this is what I need but in the next moment it's back to being treated like a china doll."
"Have you told them this?"
"Many times, they don't listen."
"It's difficult, I know. Why don't you try and open up to everyone—"
"That's what I'm saying, I have but it makes no difference."
"If you'd have let me finish, I was going to say, try opening up with everyone again but do it person to person. Now, they're all like sheep, following what they think is right. They're scared that they'll say or do the wrong thing and it will set you back weeks. They need the reassurance as much as you do. You've got me, Jasper, your Dad and Bella already. Work on the others but do it at your own pace."
"How do you know it will work?"
"I've seen it and you know what."
"What?"
"You're a hundred times better than my cousin because you already have the people you love rallying around you. My cousin, her family wanted to brush her experiences under the carpet and never talk of them again. Even now, she is still suffering because she didn't get the help she needed."
"I suppose so."
"I know so."
"Bossy."
"Yep, that's me. Bossy, judgemental, jealous and bitchy."
"Lauren, that was you. You're changing, I know."
"I'm trying, I really am. So, what have you been doing stuck in here?"
"Going mad! No really, at first it was fine, I was still recovering but now I just spend myself thinking of things that make me depressed. I'm bored to tears, nothing that I enjoy is giving me joy right now."
"I'm sorry, perhaps I can convince your Dad that it's time for your punishment to end?"
"It's alright, school starts, soon right? Besides, this punishment forces me to confront what's happened. I want to get better so I can be semi-normal at school."
"I don't think any one of us are normal but I understand. Hey, I've been meaning to ask, what happened to your foot?"
"I was accidently pushed down the stairs at a theme park."
"Are you serious?"
"Unfortunately!"
Lauren laughed and I found myself noticing what a lovely laugh she had. Surprising how a change in perspective can alter so much in a person.
"Are you sleeping well?"
"Sometimes."
"And other times?"
"Nightmares. I know it's part of the process but I wish they'd stop. I don't like feeling so unsafe at night."
"I'm sorry. Truly. I wish there was something I could do to help you."
"You're helping me right now Lauren. I don't feel like my old self with anyone other than you. You make me forget all that has happened and remind me that there is good in the world and that this experience is something I'll get through."
"A leopard can change her spots or so I've heard and I intend to do just that. I'd become someone I didn't recognise. I don't want to be that person anymore and believe it or not, you're helping me as much as I'm helping you."
"I'm glad we can be each other's rocks then."
We smiled at each other. What had started as a tentative friendship full of uncertainties had morphed into something much more. I knew I was changed because of my friendship with Lauren and I knew that when school started we'd be shunned together, however bleak that sounded, it was comforting.
"Sorry I can't stay long, Mum wants me to go shopping with her. Something to do with her latest hobby but I wanted to pop round to see you and give you these, you look like you could use them."
Lauren hugged me and handed me a small bag filled with chocolate. I was going to get fat at the rate Lauren was feeding me sugary foods.
"Thanks Lauren."
"Don't mention it, we're friend's, right?"
I could hear the uncertainty in the voice and was quick to assure her that we were indeed friend's.
Was it weird of me to put my trust in Lauren so easily when her past behaviour had made her untrustworthy? Some would argue, yes, but I wasn't one for listening to those voices. Despite the various opinions of others, I had to do what was right for myself and my emotional needs. Lauren was helping. If it turned out to all be false, would I be hurt? Yes. Would I regret the short-lived friendship or the help given? No.
I made a list of what I wanted to do. It seemed easier because what I wanted to do was growing with each thought I had. Lauren was right to encourage me to open-up again but it was hard to do so when everyone was moving around in a pack. I wanted another session with Jasper but worried about whether it would all be too much. My cast was also due off soon, Carlisle had mentioned it in passing, all I had to do was go to the Hospital but that in-itself, was a problem. I didn't know how I was going to convince the others that I was in no danger going to the Hospital. Life was hard with people insisting on wrapping me in bubble wrap.
"What's going on in that head of yours, kiddo?"
Dad, my rock through this whole ordeal, stood in the doorway to my bedroom. I must have been lost in my thoughts for I did not hear him come in.
"You doing alright? I know it's been hard for you. You know, you don't have to go back to school if you aren't ready."
"I know Dad but I need to go back to school, I need to put this experience behind me. I'm doing alright. Jasper's helping me and Lauren."
"I thought you hated Lauren and vice versus?"
"I did but she's changed. She understands what I'm going through and there is no malice in her actions or words."
"You haven't told her, have you?"
"Not about the supernatural world but a member of her family was kidnapped and she helped them through it. She wants to help Dad and I'd be a fool to turn that down."
"If she continues to help you and doesn't turn the tables, I'll be happy."
"You'll be the first to know if she does."
"So what were you thinking about?"
"Lauren mentioned how important it was to not close myself off to others and I'll admit it's been easy to do just that because of how everyone has been acting around me. I don't want people to be walking on eggshells around me. The only reason I have been silent on the matter is because as soon as I try and tell people how I feel and how to help me they begin to argue about what is right and what is wrong. It's infuriating. How can they expect to help me when they don't listen?"
"Oh Ella, emotions wreak havoc on our actions but I'll admit their behaviour has gone on long enough. I had hoped that they would sort it out but it seems unlikely. It must get very annoying to have people tell you how you should recover but not allow you to recover how you would like. They mean well, you do know that?"
"I do but it doesn't make their behaviour any less infuriating."
"So, what are you doing to do?"
"Well, I made a list."
"Go on then, what's on it?"
"Getting rid of this cast for one thing. Having more sessions with Jasper, letting everyone in again, sorting out my relationship with Edward, spending more time with Bella and fishing with you…"
"Fishing? You hate fishing!"
"I'd just like to spend some more time with you," I mumbled.
"Always up for that kiddo."
"Thanks Dad," I said, I leapt forward to hug him. I hadn't been one for displays of affection since returning from the in-between but I was always open to affection from my Dad. I was never too old for hugs from my Dad.
"Who are you going to talk to first?"
"Rose and Emmett?"
"You don't sound very certain, are you sure you're up for it?"
"Yeah. I know it's hard to believe but Rose especially fills a hole in my heart where I imagined a Mother's love to be. Perhaps that is a little cliché but it is the way my heart feels."
"I have always felt guilty for not fighting hard enough to keep you two girls with me but most especially I am sorry that Renee took such an offense to you and that your childhood was damaged because of it."
"It's not your fault Dad. Mother has a lot of issues. My childhood was alright, I mean, I have you and I have Bella and I have all my arms and my legs and a roof over my head, that's more than other people."
"You've a good head on your shoulders Ella."
"Thanks Dad."
"Keep your head up kiddo, things will get better. Remember, I love you."
"I love you too Dad."
"Want me to call Rose and Emmett round?"
"Please."
"Alright. If you're up to it after your session with Jasper and talking to Rose and Emmett, I'll take you to get your cast off."
"You're amazing Dad."
We hugged again before he left, no doubt making his way downstairs to instruct Jasper to look after me while he drove off to find Rose and Emmett. I suppose it would have been easier to call them but I guess Dad wanted to give me some time with Jasper without interruption. I hoped to hold onto my strength long enough to get my cast off, the thing was a nuisance and though I was walking without the crutches now, I was getting fed up of having to shower with a bag over my foot and the itches that I couldn't reach to scratch.
"Your Dad's gone to get Rose and Emmett, said he'd be gone a fair while. Something about giving you space. I see that Lauren's words made an impact on you."
"I'm tired Jazz. Some days I feel so good and other times I feel so bad. I just want everything to be normal but I realise that there is no such thing as normal. I feel out of sorts but I want to plough through as fast as I can because I can't bear the weak feelings I have every day. I can't continue to wallow in my depression, however much it wears me down I have to keep fighting, right?"
"As long as you're doing things at your own pace and doing what's right for you then then I can't fault for what you're doing. Your recovery is your own, as long as you remember that, nothing else matters."
"Thanks Jazz, you do have a habit of bringing myself back up again."
He smiled, "you ready for another session? How have the others made you feel?"
"So many things. You probably have a better idea about my feelings than I do. It's like opening Pandora's box. My mind is full of secrets that shouldn't be told but I have a burning desire to know them for better or for worse. It doesn't matter how the memories make me feel, I won't be ready to move forward with my life until my memories leave my mind clear."
"I've said it before but I'll say it again, we don't have to keep doing these sessions. We can stop any time you like."
"I don't want to stop Jazz, I need this. Please can we continue. This is the only thing that is helping me, if you take it away I'll go mad for sure. I can't sleep for nightmares, I can't live without jumping at the quietest of sounds, I can't look others in the eye when I don't know what damage I've done and I don't know how to act around Edward without feeling guilty and worrying about what happened."
"Alright Ella, you don't have to convince me. I'm on your side remember. Anyway, I can help, I will and if hypnosis is bringing you such piece of mind then we'll continue."
"Thank you."
"Lie down Ella, close your eyes, let me count down from five and when I get to one you'll be in your safe happy place. That's right, deep breaths, five, four, three, two, one. Can you hear me Ella? Can you tell me where you are?"
"In my safe place, Jazz, the world is bright and colourful. Nothing can harm me here, everyone I love is around me and we dance under the sun till the moon comes out."
"Good, that's good Ella. Remember, everything you experience has not happened to you, you're completely safe. You're just acting in a scene, an actress in the theatre. Nothing can harm you. Can you wonder from your safe-haven, enter the first room you come to, what do you see?"
"Marco wants to know more about the Cullen's, says they stand in the way of his one true treasure. He doesn't trust them, I tried to tell him they were away for good but he didn't seem to believe me. Said they wouldn't leave such a treasure behind."
"Where is, he telling you this?
"There is a place at camp, a dark alleyway between buildings and shrouded by trees. He didn't want anyone to see us, said he wanted our time together to be private."
"Were you always alone when he spoke to you?"
"Always. If there were people near, he made them leave. He wanted all my attention, he didn't want to share me. He didn't like that he wouldn't be my first. He wanted to eradicate all of Edward from my mind, body and soul. He didn't want to share me."
"What else did he say? Dig deeper into the memory, was he angry? Determined? Worried? Did he mention what was supposed to happen?"
"He wanted to talk about Adrian, wanted to know all his secrets and if he had any weaknesses. He was angry that I couldn't provide many facts for him. He wanted to know everything about Adrian so he could be eliminated. It wasn't for his own gain, I could tell that he desperately needed the information for another."
"How so?"
"He became panicked when I couldn't give him the information he required. Kept muttering about how he couldn't let down his 'Master'. Seemed to think he'd be killed if he did."
"Did he ever ramble on about that?"
"Later, before his words of anger were mixed with words of sweetness and kindness. It wasn't until later than he became more unstable."
"And what did he say then?"
"Kept rambling about how he was disobeying his 'Master' by wanting to keep me to himself but he had fallen in love and thought keeping me was worth a life on the run. He was conflicted, he wanted the outcome that his 'Master' was after but he wasn't prepared to leave me in the crossfire. He was obsessed with owning me."
"How did that make you feel?"
"Angry, so angry that I wanted to punch something but I didn't."
"Why not?"
"He made it impossible. Any time I felt angry or wanted to get away from him, the emotion was squashed down until I could no longer feel it and was replaced with feelings of joy and lust towards Marco. He made my mind a warzone of feelings that I couldn't understand. He wanted me confused because it would have been easier for him to control me and for me to make a mistake."
"Yet, you were very strong, you held on for a long time."
"He didn't like it. Kept telling me to let everything go but I couldn't. If it wasn't Adrian, it was Bella or Edward or Dad. He couldn't cut the ties I had with the people in my life that I loved and so he took away the feelings I had for them and inserted his own feelings instead. I tried to break free but he was too strong."
"You are a very strong person Ella."
"I wanted to be strong, had to be strong. Needed to fight my way through the war."
"What kept you fighting?"
"Family. Friend's. Edward."
"You didn't let him win Ella."
"He nearly succeeded though. That time with him in the in-between, I was almost completely under his spell. He could have said anything and I would have done it. I had forgotten all in my life, I would have gone willingly with him and never again remember any of you. I would have forgotten Bella, Dad, Edward…everyone would have dissolved into bitter memories locked within my mind and never to be thought of again."
"Ella, breathe, that's it, deep breaths. You're alright. Nothing has happened and Marco isn't going to hurt you. Breathe with me Ella, that's right. Now, you're going to wake up slowly, I'll count back from five and when you wake you'll be calm, relaxed and remember everything we've talked about. Ready? Five, four, three, two, one."
I blinked, my vision coming back into focus. That, I could agree with myself, was a hard session. It was the first-time Jazz had allowed me to wake and have my memories come straight back to me. Usually he made it so the memories talked about came back over a period and not all at once. It was a bit sickening to have all those memories rush back to me. The feeling of utter hopelessness as Marco replaced my negative emotions for positive ones that benefited him. I felt so violated knowing that he had turned my mind against me to get what he wanted.
His pet. His love. It wasn't real. It couldn't be real. He didn't treat me as one should. His delusion clouded him judgement and actions. Had he even been a kind man before all of this or was the dark fey of his mind so prominent that his only thoughts were dark and twisted?
On the one hand I was safe in the knowledge that I had done nothing to break the bonds between Edward and I but on the other hand I still felt guilty that I was so easily tricked into believing that I loved another. I had been brainwashed and clearing my brain was trickier than I had first thought. I was supposed to be safe in my mind but that wasn't the case now. I wished I could leave my mind, leave my body and just float somewhere above it till this was all over but I couldn't. I had to be a fighter.
"I can hear Charlie approaching with Rose and Emmett."
"Alright Jazz," I said tiredly.
"Are you alright? Should I send them away?"
"No, I need to do this but thank you."
"I'll leave them. I need to hunt anyway but I'll be close by if you need me."
"I'll always need my brother Jazz."
"Are you off Jasper?" asked my Dad as he walked through the door.
"Yes Sir, I'll be back later."
Dad loved Jasper, loved his manners and his old-worldly gentleman nature.
"Hi Ella," said Rose, peeking out from behind Dad.
"Rose, Emmett."
It all sounded very formal and strained. I didn't like it. This was the woman who filled so many slots for me. Best friend. Mother. Aunt. Confident. Teacher. Sister. There was never any tension between us and never anything I couldn't tell her. Equally with Emmett, his fun-loving nature drew me into his fold. He could be serious when he wanted and treated me like his niece/sister. Perhaps to an outsider, it was odd that we were such good friends but I didn't care much for what others thought about me.
"I'll just, I'll be…urm…in the kitchen," said Dad.
Poor Dad, never did well in awkward situations. He couldn't deal with them. With Dad gone, Emmett and Rose stood awkwardly in the doorway of my bedroom.
"Come in, please, and sit down. You're making me feel awkward."
They sat but the tension didn't go away. I hated it. I felt repulsed by how things were going.
"Your Dad said you wanted to talk to us?"
"Please stop freezing me out! I'm begging you, I feel like I've done something wrong and you're punishing me. Every time I tell you how I feel or ask you for help you either ignore what I've said or try and tell me how I should be recovering. Let's not forget all the secret meetings, the silent eye conversations or how much tension has grown between us. I thought I could tell you both anything and that you would be here for me no matter what but you've left me. How could you leave me to cope with this on my own when all I desire is a warm hug from Rose and a joke from Emmett. Why are you doing this?"
I had, originally, thought of an entire speech to present to them both but upon seeing them my emotions had welled up and I'd come out with this hysterical ramble. I felt bad for it but I couldn't take back the words now, especially when they were how I really felt. I'd been looking at my hands, twisting in my lap, because I was afraid of what expressions would be on Rose and Emmett's faces. Yet, somehow, I managed to gather enough courage to look up and the sight made my heart break a little further. I knew that vampires couldn't cry but if they could I knew that both would be in tears right now. I didn't mean to make them sad, I just wanted to understand why they had behaved the way they had.
"We shouldn't have frozen you out," said Emmett.
"It was out fault!" blurted Rose.
"You're fault?" I asked.
"You were in our care Ella. Your safety was intrusted to us while the rest of our family hunted Laurent down and we failed you. We couldn't keep you safe. How can we look you in the eye knowing how much we failed you? If we had been but a little more diligent, a little more protective, you would have been safer and perhaps none of this would have happened. It was bad enough having to listen to Edward's shouts about how we had put you in danger but to see how that danger had affected you and knowing that it was at our wrongdoings that you received that treatment, was unbearable," said Rose.
"We didn't mean to freeze you out but we thought it might be better. The guilt weighted heavily on our shoulders. Rose was torn between locking you up in a tower where no one could hurt you and suffocating herself with the grief of not protecting you. Ella, you're like my little sister, and I'm supposed to be your big brother that protects you from the nightmares in the world and I didn't."
"But it wasn't your fault, none of it was. Marco was an anomaly. He twisted things so perfectly that I didn't even realise they were happening. He tortured me in the worse possible way, through my mind, the one place you couldn't protect. I can understand how you feel, more so now that I am having my sessions with Jasper. Everyone carries their own guilt about the incident, as unneeded as it is but you must let it go to move on with yourself. I just can't understand why you went along with how everyone else wanted me to recover. How you couldn't just stop, look at me and help me. I cannot be fixed the way you want me to be fixed, I must be fixed in a way that will suit me. Jasper sees that, Dad sees that and Bella is coming to see that, why doesn't anyone else?"
"We are sorry Ella," said Rose.
"I think everyone is at a loss of what to do. Never in our wildest imaginations did we think something like this would happen to you. I'll admit we were all unsure about how best to help you. A lot of voices in a room don't make things easier, and with everyone shouting over each other we never once stopped to think of what would be best for you. Everyone had their opinion about what was the best way to help you, the best medication to give you and the best option to take. It was foolish to ignore who was most important in all of this, you. We were blindly following Carlisle and Edward, Carlisle because he's a doctor and Edward because he was so passionate about helping you. We forgot that we should have asked you first."
"Please, please forgive us Ella. We are sorry for the way we have acted and if we could take it back then we would. Even with everything that has gone on, you are still the wisest of us all. I promise, we'll do whatever we need to help you now, to put the past behind us and earn back your forgiveness."
"There is nothing to forgive Rose, I just want my family back."
"Then you have us."
[x]
"Still up for getting your cast off kiddo? You've had quite the day."
"Even if I was half asleep and vomiting I'd want to get this cast off Dad. It's been the bane of my life this summer and I can't wait to walk around normally again."
"So, dramatic, but come on then. I'm sure Doctor Cullen will find time to see us when we turn up."
"Of course, he will, he knows what's good for him."
"Ella…don't be spiteful. You know he means well, they all do."
"I know," I said with a long-suffering sigh.
"How did it go with Rose and Emmett?"
"Well…long…exhausting but I think things will turn out for the better."
"That's good. I'm pleased Ella. Your recovery is a learning curve for them, you got to give them time, however much it annoys you."
"I know Dad and I understand. It's just hard."
"Life isn't meant to be easy but maybe it'll give you a break for a while."
We were seen quicker than expected. I assumed Alice had seen our decision and informed Carlisle. It was, by all accounts, a rather boring procedure to have the cast removed. Not nearly as entertaining as the process to having it put on. It was anti-climactic and rather disappointing. Without my cast, I suddenly felt freer and lighter. Carlisle warned me to take it easy while I got used to walking unaided again but assured me that I'd be fine within a couple of days. Dad thanked him profusely while I knew my smile was less than there, I was thankful that he'd dealt with things so quickly.
I suppose my bitterness or avoidance of Carlisle came from the fact that he was a doctor and as such, should be open to all kinds of treatment. The fact that he'd not thought about what was best for her – the patient – and just gone along with Edward's scheme infuriated me.
I guess this was my epiphany moment. I loved Edward, I knew that without a doubt but Edward had lived with the Cullen's for a long time and during that time, he had been allowed to have his own way far too often. It had made him spoilt, it had made him think that his opinion was the only one that happened and it had made him sure that people would just follow him blindly. You wonder why I can love him when I've slagged* him off so, love doesn't work to the constraints we put it through. It walks to its own tune. I didn't want to change Edward but I wanted him to realise what he'd done, see what a mess he'd caused and learn from his mistakes.
So, basically, I was asking for the world.
[For those that don't know, 'slagged off' refer to criticising someone in an abusive or insulting way.]