Chapter 57

"I thought what you did was the right thing," Leliana said. "It was strategic, but it helped the Wardens' position with the nobles."

Alistair grunted. Much of the afternoon had been spent seeing to his injuries. They weren't severe, and he was walking about by evening. Solona's skills as a healer had improved by leaps and bounds.

"I know," he said quietly, jaw set. "I don't like it, but it was the best shot." He grimaced and downed his drink. "I'm just glad I had the strength to make that decision. The man... he doesn't deserve it."

Loghain had survived the Joining, though he was still sleeping it off. Riordan had seen to it, and Anora sat by her father's side at present. Anora, Aedan, Eamon and Riordan had sat down to talk about the immediate future after Anora had been given the throne.

Alistair had wanted a drink, and Leliana had taken him to the tavern. She liked the place. She'd been there a couple of times before and thought that the food was nice. Though she wasn't hungry, she liked the atmosphere; the chattering of people, the clinking of cutlery, the crackling of a fire... it was all very peaceful.

Of course, everybody gave them a wide berth. The city was buzzing with the news of how Maric's bastard Grey Warden son had beaten Loghain with his bare hands. Nobody wanted to press Alistair, and Leliana guessed he was grateful for that.

Hooking her arm around his, she said, "Perhaps. But do you know what, Alistair? There is no greater punishment in this world than repentance and guilt. Reliving every day the things they've done... there is no end to suffering like that." She sighed. "None at all."

"You know, when I was... fighting him... it just felt so easy to lose control." Alistair drummed his fingertips against the empty glass. "All I wanted to do was stomp him into the ground. Just... break him into tiny little bits and feed him to the darkspawn." He shook his head. "I've. Never. Felt." He made a helpless gesture. "Like that. It was like an overpowering sensation, driving me forward into who knows what. It's scary, now that I think about it." He looked at her. "Is this what you went through?"

Leliana smiled sadly and laid her cheek on his shoulder. "Addictive, no?"

"Maker, Leli. I have no idea how you stopped yourself. That kind of thing takes balls to step away from." A pause. "I appreciate what you did and I respect you even more now. You're an incredibly brave woman."

Wordlessly, Leliana pressed her lips to his cheek. "You did it, too."

"Yeah. Yeah, I guess I did."

"Come. Let's get out of here."

After Alistair paid for his drink, Leliana took him by the arm and led him out into the streets. They walked aimlessly, shrouded in companionable silence, and Leliana wondered whether this was the final time they would be able to do something like this. From what she'd heard, a horde of darkspawn had been seen heading for Redcliffe. They would probably be going there in the morning.

This was it. Now that there was no opposition, it was time to face the Blight head-on. She knew it was starting to dawn upon him how close the end of their quest was. It weighed heavily on her mind as well.

"What will you do after the Blight is dealt with?" she asked him suddenly. "Still going to open that halla farm and export cheese?"

Alistair snorted. "I don't know. Orlesians like weird stuff, so there'll always be a market for that. What about you? Any plans?"

"I want to visit Lothering. See the Chantry again. Maybe help repair it."

"I'll come with you."

"Thank you. I'd like that."

"Don't mention it, Leli."

"I think sometimes about everything I've seen on this journey. The cloister, the Circle, the Dalish, the Dwarves, Haven, the Alienage... all the undeserved suffering." She sighed. "It reminds me of a song I heard a long time ago."

"Oh?"

"My mother had just died, and this wise elven woman comforted me and told me that we shouldn't fear death. Death is just another beginning, she said. One day, we must all shed our earthly bodies to allow our spirits to fly free."

"That is... oddly comforting, I suppose."

"It's a beautiful sentiment, I think. One that brings peace and hope to the grieving. Would you like to hear it?"

"Hear what? The song?"

"Yes."

"Right... here? Now?" He looked about himself unsurely. Leliana chuckled. Then she cleared her throat and burst into song.

The words were ancient elven, their prominence lost to time. Few now lived who remembered it. She'd learnt the song for herself, not to aid in her bardic endeavours. People didn't care for elven songs but it meant a lot to her, even if she didn't sing it much.

Leliana herself didn't remember the last time she'd sung it aloud. But she never forgot the words, nor the tune or inflection. It was short, and she sang as she walked. When she was finished, Alistair clapped, somewhat stunned.

"Wow," he said. "I mean, I've heard you sing before, but wow." Leliana inclined he head as she accepted the praise, smiling widely. "What's it mean?"

"It is called 'In Uthenera,'" she replied. "You know how the elves of old did not age, yes?" Alistair nodded. "They were not immortal, but they did not suffer from deterioration of mind or body. They suffered only from a deterioration of the spirit. It did not happen often, but the oldest of the elves were said to reach a point where they became weary of life. Memories became too much to bear, and rather than fade into complacency, they voluntarily stood aside to let newer generations guide their people.

"Uthenera means 'the long sleep,' in which the elder would retire to a chamber that was one part bed and one part tomb. To great ceremony from all the extended family, the elder would succumb to a slumber from which they would not wake for centuries, and often never. In time, the body would deteriorate and the elder would die in truth. All the while, family would continue to visit the chamber to pay respect to one who made such a great sacrifice."

"And that's what the song is about?"

"Mhmm. Translated from elven, the words mean: Elder, your time is come. Now I am filled with sorrow, weary eyes need resting, heart has become grey and slow and in waking sleep is freedom. We sing, rejoice. We tell the tales. We laugh and cry. We love one more day."

For a long time, Alistair said nothing. She knew he was turning it all over in his head and so didn't bother him. Darkness grew around them as the stars appeared high in the sky and when Leliana turned in the direction of the arl's manor, Alistair said, "You know, that's kind of sad, but not all sad."

"There is beauty in it."

"Yeah. I've never been one for poetry, but I guess that's the only way to describe this."

"I'm glad you feel that way."

"Mmm. Hey, Leli?"

"Yes?"

"I just... I just wanted to, uh, to tell you that... I appreciate you and all you've done for me."

"It goes both ways. You've been there for me through thick and thin, and I don't know how I would have gotten along without you." She smiled at him. "Are you sweating?"

"No! I mean... yes. Maybe. I don't know." He looked straight ahead. "I'm just a little nervous, I guess. Not that this is anything bad or frightening... well, yes, it is, but I just–"

Leliana pulled him to a stop. "Is something wrong?"

"Oh, how do I say this? You think it'd be easier, but every time I'm around you-" He stopped himself, pulled her aside into the closest alleyway and lowered his voice. "Every time I'm around you, it feels like my head's about to explode!"

"Oh? Which one?"

"Not. Helping." Leliana snickered and held up her hands. Alistair sighed. "Now I have to start all over. But please, hear me out, okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay." He sucked in a deep breath. "You know, all this... stuff going on lately with Howe, us being imprisoned, the Alienage, Loghain, Marjolaine... the coming conflict... it's just making me think about how fragile life is, you know? I mean, I always knew it, but now, being so close to the end, I can feel it, if that makes sense?"

Leliana nodded. "It does."

"We just... sort of stumbled into each other, you know? And despite all the fighting and stuff, I felt myself falling for you. And I can't really imagine being without you. Not ever." He shook his head. "So I... I want to... uh... I want to, um, spend the night. With you. Tonight. If you want to."

He was almost on the verge of running away, and Leliana maintained her grip on his arm to make sure he didn't. Then she took a deep breath to steady herself.

"Are you... sure?"

"Look, I know I refused you before, but I just wanted to wait until everything was perfect. The perfect place... the perfect time... but when will things be perfect? Had things been perfect, we wouldn't even have met." He shook his head. "I've... I've never done this before. You know that." He ducked his head and rubbed the back of his neck. "I want it to be with you... while we have the chance. In case..."

As he trailed off, Leliana cupped his face and kissed him before he could say anything more.

"Oh, Alistair," she said, wrapping her arms around his neck as she pulled away to smile at his surprised face. "You don't have to say anything else."

"I-I don't?"

"No. You don't."

"So we'll...?"

"Yes. And it'll be perfect."

He chuckled lightly at that and put his hands on her waist.

"You might be counting my chickens before I hatch them, Leli."

"It's okay," she assured him. "I know you can follow orders very well."

"...Maker."

"Mmm. Do you know what Orlesian for rehearsal is, Alistair?"

"No...?"

"Répétition," she answered and kissed him again. "And there will be a lot of it, just to make sure you get it right."