I need something to keep me awake so have another chapter

Chapter Quote:
"Tess was sobbing, and each cry was like a razor slicing my skin."
~Calla Tor, Wolfsbane

Chapter 47

Elsa

I was out of the Laroche pack officially. Hunter had stormed out of the room, not saying another word to me or dad after explaining what I'd done. I passed Josilyn in the hall. She stopped me immediately.

"What's wrong with Hunter? He just stormed past me. Are you okay?" Josilyn asked.

"He's upset over dad's verdict I guess. I'm not sure. I'm fine. I'm just going to my room. I need to figure a few things out," I replied tiredly. The adrenaline I'd been running on the past few hours was rapidly disappearing.

"Elsa, please tell me… please tell me you're still in the pack. I need my sister," she pleaded. "I need my beta."

I smiled sadly at her. "I'll always be your sister. And I wanted to be your beta… dad never planned on making me your beta again. He planned on making it Ember since Noah is Hunter's beta."

"You never answered my questions about the pack. Does that mean…?" Josie trailed off, her face turning red. I could only nod, a knot forming in my throat. Leaving my pack hadn't really seemed like a big deal to me. I knew for a while that sooner or later, it was going to happen. I'd pushed myself away from my pack for that exact reason. It'd make leaving them easier. But then there was Josilyn, the girl who filled the void in my heart when Anna had died. The girl who had been there to always cheer me up with flowers or by dragging me through her garden or by trying to hide the fact she liked my brother for five or more years from me. She was the girl that always gave me the benefit of the doubt, always trusted that I had the best intentions. She'd protected me when Spencer had come to check on me in the garden that night, lying to the entire pack about what had happened to protect me from getting into any more trouble. For her, I needed to come clean to my parents and Hunter about all that I'd been doing with the Stark pack. I owed Josilyn that much.

I pulled her into a hug. She cried into my shoulder. I felt tears escaping down my own face even though I tried to stop them. I wanted to be strong about this for her sake but all my strength was leaving me.

"Please, talk to Hunter. Talk to your dad. Surely you can convince them to let you stay. What about Anna? You can't go all the way up to Canada and leave me by myself."

I pulled away, wiping away my tears. "Their decision is final or else I would. But you won't be by yourself. You'll have Hunter and Noah and Ember and the rest of the pack to look out for you, okay? Anna is still in the pack so she'll stay with you. I know you two will become great friends, sisters even."

"Anna will go wherever you do."

"That'll be up to her. I'm going to go see her right now. Do you want to come?"

Josilyn shook her head. "No. I need to go find Hunter. I'm going to convince him to let you back in the pack. I'm not taking no for an answer."

I smiled at her. What had I ever done to deserve a friend like Josilyn? "Josie, before you go, let me apologize for being the biggest bitch these past few months. I never thanked you, genuinely thanked you, for all you've done for me these past few months. You kept Caleb's secret for me, you lied to the pack the night Spencer came to check on me to make sure I didn't get in more trouble, and you loved me even when I snapped at you. You still loved me when you saw me at my worst. You've still loved me whenever I've snapped at you and let's face it, I've been doing a lot of snapping at everyone lately. You've always had faith in me when everyone else stopped. Sometimes, something as small as that is a very, very big thing. I will never leave you Josilyn. Not really anyways. No matter where I am after this war, you can call me. For anything and everything, night or day. I'll pick up. Because that's the least I can do for my sister. I hope you forgive me."

Josilyn sobbed even harder, pulling me into a bone-crushing hug. And she tells people she's not strong…

We stood there for a good two minutes before Josilyn hiccupped her way down the hallway, on a mission to convince my brother to let me back in the pack. Again, I didn't deserve a friend like Josilyn.

I went to check on Anna. Dom sat next to her bed, clutching her hand in his. She was out cold, but she was going to be okay. That much was clear. I stayed for about thirty minutes before I began to feel claustrophobic. I left my sister and her boyfriend in peace.

I walked around the Academy aimlessly for a good hour before I finally ended up on a rooftop garden. There weren't many scents up here. I recognized my mom's, Caleb's, and Babatunde's. It must not have been a well-known place. Good. I needed a place to think without having to worry about being interrupted.

I shifted into a black wolf to blend in with the foliage. I curled up next to a rock and stared at the pond in front of me.

In the past few months, I'd changed drastically. At first it was because I was trying to protect Caleb. I'd been determined to make him stay. Then when I got comfortable balancing my life between seeing my pack and seeing Caleb, I was fine. Then Anna came back and it was suddenly like I didn't even know who I was anymore. The more I thought about it, trying to figure out where the change came from, the more confused I became. I flashed back to the day Anna had died. I'd never told anyone exactly what I'd felt that day. Caleb knew I'd 'felt' Anna die. He knew I'd had a hundred percent accurate dreams of Anna dying when I hadn't been there to see it. That day, I'd felt something was wrong. But I'd never told anyone was the sensation I had when I lost Anna the first time. It felt like my heart stopped but was still there. It felt like someone had reached through my rib cage and crushed my heart in their bare hand. It felt like my heart had shattered like glass into a million shards and those shards got into my veins, piercing and stabbing me as if they ached to get out of my heartbroken body.

That pain had been so raw, so natural, that when it had happened to me, I thought I was dying. In a sense I was. The day Anna died, a part of me died too. But that wasn't all that happened. The pain caused me to pass out, a terrifying occurrence for a little girl not even ten years old. Loren knew something was wrong the moment I collapsed. From what Ember had told me, Loren hadn't been able to hear my heartbeat for a full minute. For a full minute, my pack thought I was dead. But I woke up, and Loren told me what happened to my sister. I'd already known something terrible, dreadful, unbelievable had happened, but I'd never expected that.

For a year after that, that pain in my heart never left. I'd asked my mom if the pain ever left. She'd told me that after she'd lost her pack the first time, the pain in her heart left after a few months, but the painful memories never did. It was the same answer for the second time she lost her pack. I'd asked dad too. He'd given me a similar answer to moms. So for a year, not only was I devastated by the loss of my twin sister, but I thought something was wrong with me because the pain in my heart never stopped hurting. It was usually a dull ache but once in a while it'd flare up, becoming so painful that I'd fall to the ground. It never happened in front of my pack, and I'd never told them. Even at that age I knew there was nothing they could do to help me.

Then suddenly the ache disappeared. For two years it never reared its ugly pain until Caleb ran off, but even then it didn't last long, and it didn't compare to the first time it'd happened. Not by a longshot.

The only time I'd ever felt that pain again was barely six hours ago when I'd discovered Anna had been kidnapped. When I saw her empty cell, I'd collapsed to the ground, pain ripping through my heart and head.

All these memories and feelings washed over me as I lay on the ground. It'd dawned on me early on that Anna and I were connected in more than just a twin way. But now, reviewing all those memories, I never realized how much. I hadn't acted out near as badly as I did until Anna came back into the picture. I started putting the pieces together that I unconsciously fed off of her emotions, whether she was right beside me or hundreds of miles away. We'd lost that when she'd been kidnapped, but it'd reconnected itself the moment we came back into each other's lives, stronger than ever. That's why it suddenly made sense that the pain had been so acute whenever something happened to Anna because not only was I feeling my pain, but I was feeling hers. When I was terrified, so was she, which doubled mine without me realizing. I could only wonder if it was the same for her. But deep down I knew it was.

Regardless of my reasoning, I needed to apologize to people. I'd start with mom. She probably couldn't hear me, but I needed to get it off my chest. If she woke up, I'd tell her again. I'd go to Ember next. She'd be most receptive of me. Always had been. Then I'd talk to Hunter, once he'd calmed down a bit. Finally I'd talk to dad. He'd be the most difficult to talk to, to get through to. But I had to do it.

I slowly got up from my resting spot to go to the infirmary. I chose to stop on the way to check on Anna again. She was awake this time. Her eyes instantly went to me the moment I stepped foot in the room.

"Something's wrong. What's wrong?" she asked, sitting up, much to the protests of both me and Dom.

"Nothing. It's just been a long day and I've just been thinking about things."

"Elsa, I felt something was wrong. You were in pain."

I stroked her hair back. "I'm fine. I was thinking of past memories and it dredged up feelings that I'd rather not go through again. You were probably feeling that."

Dom suddenly stood up. "Mr. Laroche."

I froze in my place which did not go unnoticed by Anna. I shared a look with her and I didn't need to say anything for her to know what had happened. Her heart monitor jumped.

"Anna, what's wrong?" Dad asked, walking up to her.

"Dad, please tell me you didn't," she begged. "Please tell me you didn't kick her out of the pack."

Dad said nothing, which only confirmed my twin's question.

"I'm going to… uh, go brush my teeth," Dom remarked. Kissing Anna on the head, he hurried out of the room.

"How's mom?" I whispered, barely able to find my voice. I couldn't even look at him. I vaguely wondered where I'd gotten the strength to argue with my dad all those times before. He wasn't my alpha anymore. So why was I so much more afraid to talk to him now?

"Alive. Barely…" he mumbled.

"Can I- can I go see her?" I asked.

"Of course you can. She's your mother," dad replied instantly.

But she's not my pack. I thought.

"Dad, it's not Elsa's fault," Anna spoke up.

"What isn't?"

"Her attitude recently. I figured it out the moment I came back into your life Elsa, but I never knew how to bring it up with you. I didn't know how to. Please forgive me for that."

"I was thinking the same thing when I came in here a few moments ago," I admitted. "You don't need to apologize."

"Dad, Elsa and I feed off of each other. She's been-"

"Lashing out because I wasn't just feeling my feelings," I said.

"She was acting on mine as well. We're connected in a way that we've only just now discovered."

"Now that I know about it, I might be able to control myself more. I'm not saying that to try and convince you to let me back in the pack. I just wanted you to know why I was acting out like I did."

"Would you let her back into the pack knowing that though?" Anna prodded. Dad didn't say anything.

"Dad, I'm sorry for everything I've done this past year. Between lying to you and sneaking off and questioning your authority, it was uncalled for and unbelievably wrong. All I ask for is your forgiveness."

"And to be back in the pack," Anna added.

"No, just forgiveness," I corrected. "His decision was final."

"Oh now you listen to him," my sister grumbled. "Elsa, go. I want to talk to dad. Alone."

"Okay. I'll come see you later. I'm going to go see mom." Kissing my sister on the head, I left the room, going next door to mom's room. I'd never seen someone hooked up to so many machines. I didn't know what half of them did. I was afraid to even touch her, let alone hold her hand.

Swallowing a knot in my throat, I sat down next to her.

"Hi mom. I don't know if you can hear me. Maybe you can. I heard somewhere that the auditory functions were the last sensory organ to shut down, or something like that… I wanted to apologize for being such a terrible daughter recently. I've disobeyed you, I've shouted at you, I've lied to you, I've questioned you, I've questioned your authority… I'm so sorry mom. You deserve the world. You're an amazing mother and you've always been there for me no matter what. I-I don't know what I'd do without you mom." My voice cracked. "The pack needs you. Dad needs you. Caleb needs you. I need you… so please come back to us, okay? Please come back."

I broke down into tears, burying my face into my hands to muffle the sound because even though she couldn't hear me, I felt that any noise in the silent room would only disturb her. I cried and cried and cried. Every time I tried to stop, another dam broke and tears flooded down my face.

Someone pulled me into their arms. I couldn't see who but I buried my face into their chest anyway.

"Shhh… everything's going to be okay sweetie," Dad promised.

"I'm so sorry," I sobbed. "This is all my fault… it's all my fault…"

"No it's not. It's okay. You're okay," he told me. "I love you Elsa."

"I love you too." Dad pulled me to him even tighter, cradling my head against his chest. I couldn't control the tears. They soaked through dad's shirt, but he didn't seem to care. He simply sat there, letting my cry in his arms like I used to when I was little girl. I'd missed having this relationship with my dad. I'd always been a daddy's girl when I was little. That'd changed as I'd grown up. I knew this moment wouldn't last forever. At some point, he and I would be arguing again. But I didn't care what the future was to bring right now. Right now, I let myself be that innocent little girl again as I cried myself to sleep in dad's arms.

This ended up being a much sadder chapter than I anticipated and I'm sorry. That's what happens when I write things at four in the morning. Reviews would be lovely :)