Chapter 89

"I don't know how you do it," Alistair said with a shake of his head. "I can't even look at her without wanting to strangle something."

"She's done well for herself," Aedan replied. "And we need all the help we can get."

"I still don't like it. And by 'it' I mean her."

"It's been ten years, let it go. Besides, the boy is innocent."

Alistair sighed. "Does he know that you're... you know..."

"No." Aedan shook his head. "He never has to. You'll like him, though. He's a fast learner."

He knocked on Leliana's door twice and held it open for Alistair, who bowed to him and entered. Snorting, Aedan followed and closed the door behind him.

"Ah, you're here." Leliana stood up greet them, as did Grand-Enchanter Fiona, albeit more reluctantly and with some confusion.

"Grand-Enchanter Fiona, I'm Aedan." He took her hand and shook it. "Pleasure to meet you. This is Warden Alistair, though I suppose you've already met, in Redcliffe."

She nodded. "The pleasure is all mine. It isn't every day one gets to meet the Hero of Ferelden. And of course I remember Warden Alistair. We are all very grateful for your help."

"No need," Alistair said with a smile. "Have the mages been doing well?"

"Very well, thank you. The status of equal partners, and being treated as such, has calmed many a nerve."

"Now that we're all caught up, let's get down to business, shall we? Do sit down." Aedan remained standing while the rest all sat down. "We're gathered here to discuss the matter of curing the Calling."

"What?!" Alistair spluttered. "There's a cure?!"

"Not yet," Aedan replied. "But it has happened before. The Tevinter magisters who became the first darkspawn, they can control the taint. As such, they can probably help. Though the one we're faced with now is a little problematic." Leliana hummed around her tea cup. "But yes, I am an example of a Warden losing their taint." Fiona looked surprised. Aedan smiled at her. "And so are you."

"Wait, you were a Warden?" Alistair rounded upon Fiona. "You were the first Warden to be cured?" Fiona nodded hesitantly. Alistair slapped his knee, laughing. "That's so great!"

Aedan cleared his throat. "Anyway, we're the only ones who know that this can happen and, for now, I'd like to keep it that way. Weisshaupt has made sure nobody will ever know a thing about the first case, though they'll have trouble covering up for me. If they find out, anyway." Fiona and Alistair both snorted. "So, Grand-Enchanter, I was wondering if I could have your help in this matter. Since we're the only ones with any experience in this field."

"Of course, though I am unsure what help I can offer. The Wardens, they ran every test imaginable but found out nothing."

"Well you have a separate specimen now. Run all the tests you want." He smiled. "You knew Duncan, did you not?"

Alistair's head snapped to Fiona faster than Aedan had ever seen it snap to anything. Fiona nodded.

"I knew him, yes. He was a dear friend."

"He recruited me, as well as Alistair. He was a good man." Aedan paused a beat. "Now, wasn't Duncan present during the mission where you got cured?"

"Yes."

"Involving the Architect?"

"Yes."

"Huh." From his pocket, Aedan produced the letter he'd received. "We encountered the Architect. He's something of an ally now." He noticed Fiona clench her robes. "From what he tells me, he tried to turn all the people in Thedas to darkspawn to stop wars permanently, yes?"

Fiona nodded. She said nothing.

"This was after King Maric had regained his throne, some thirty years ago. 9:10 Dragon, to be exact. Queen Rowan was dead and Maric had been approached by the Orlesian Warden-Commander to lead a party into the Deep Roads. You were a part of that party. As was Duncan."

Fiona nodded, staring intently at her lap. Alistair looked at her and smiled.

"Is it okay if I ask you about Maric and Duncan later?"

Before Fiona could respond, Aedan said, "I have here a letter from Loghain Mac Tir, who was also involved in that incident. One of the few who remain alive and, as you may know, is a Senior Warden at Amaranthine. He's spared no detail, just the way I asked." He folded the letter and pocketed it once more. "Grand-Enchanter Fiona, you know of what I speak of, don't you?"

She said nothing. Just glared at him.

"What's going on?" Alistair asked.

"What's going on, Warden-Commander, is that she is your mother," Aedan replied easily.

In the long silence that followed, Leliana emptied her cup of tea.

"Wait, what?" Alistair sprung up from his chair. "No! She's my-" He looked from Aedan to Fiona. "You're my-"

The elven woman hid her face behind her hands. Alistair ran his fingers through his hair.

"All this time, I thought – what about Goldanna?"

"You're not related to her," Aedan said. "She's not your sister."

Alistair was breathing heavily. He looked down at Fiona and asked, voice shaking, "Is this true?"

"Yes," came the reply. The woman sounded weak and defeated but stood up nonetheless. "Yes, it is true."

Alistair gulped. "All this time you could've told me... we were under the same roof... why didn't you? Why didn't anybody?"

"Elf, mage, Orlesian," replied Fiona sadly. "The holy trinity of undesirables. Maric wanted to acknowledge you, but I convinced him otherwise." She took a deep breath. "I am sorry, Alistair. For everything you've endured. Many times I wanted to write to you, but I was afraid-"

"Would you have told me? Eventually? Ever?"

"I... no. I thought it better that I keep my distance. Besides, it was far too late." She sighed again, tiredly. "You need not acknowledge me, Alistair. I would understand-"

Alistair, without saying a word, stepped forward and enveloped his mother in a hug, rubbing his face against her shoulder.

Fiona gasped before breaking into tears, apologising to her son in whispers. They clung to each other for a long while before Alistair held out a hand and waved Leliana over, who was only too happy to join in.

Aedan watched the scene unfold with a smile on his face. To have a son you know about and love, but who is unaware of your existence; to spend years agonising over their existence, but never being able to surmount the distance; to be within arm's reach of them and still unable to pat their head and call them 'son'... well. It was hard.

He let himself out, closing the door behind him with a quiet click. Then, pocketing his hands, he made his way down to the tavern. Drinks for him were free and, it being almost evening, he told the barmaid to keep the whisky coming.

The table in the far corner, where the laughter wasn't as loud, was the one he preferred. People left him alone there. Not that he didn't like company, but, given a chance, he liked being by himself. Everybody gave him a respectful nod and left it at that, which he was grateful for.

Except that evening, the table was occupied. A woman sat there, playing a lute for a sleepy mabari. A glass of red wine stood on the table.

It was the Champion of Kirkwall, Hawke. She hadn't seen him, what with her eyes being closed. He'd spoken to her briefly when she'd lectured the Inquisition about her run-in with Corypheus. Outside of that, he hadn't really interacted with her, so Aedan looked for another empty table. There were none available, so he resigned himself to his fate and asked her if he could join her.

"Depends," she replied, smirking. "Who's asking?"

"I go by Aedan most of the time."

Her playing suddenly stopped. Indeed, the lute almost fell from her hands. The sleepy hound looked up, annoyed at having its lullaby interrupted.

"Aedan?" She glanced at him and her mouth fell open. "Fuck me, it's the Hero of Ferelden!" She stood up like a bolt. "I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean fuck me literally, haha, why would you, umm, I mean, I get the feeling I should stop talking but I can't and it's weird and I'm sorry." She took a deep breath, fanning herself. "Calm, Marian, calm. You've got this. You took a bath, your socks are clean, that's all that matters." Then she held out her hand. "Hi, I'm Marian Hawke and I'm a big fan of your work please sit down please."

Aedan just didn't even know what to think. "It's... okay. I can... come back later."

"No! I insist! I'm not usually this weird! Honest! I was just... having a moment."

She didn't seem... bad. Just a tad excitable. He'd put up with Oghren for eleven years. He could handle Hawke.

"Then don't mind if I do," Aedan and took a seat across from her, smiling. "Thank you, Champion. It's quite crowded here today."

"Oh, I don't go by that name much anymore," Hawke replied as she sat down. "Makes me think people want something from me whenever I hear it. Just Marian is fine."

"I get what you mean." Aedan smiled. "My days of Hero-ing are over too."

"Are they?" Hawke smiled slyly over her glass. "You don't think that perhaps you can take the Warden out of Ferelden, and even out of the Wardens, but he never... quite leaves?"

Aedan pondered her question as his first pint arrived. True, he could have hung up his boots as soon as he found out he was cured. That would have probably been the wisest course of action. Yet, here he was, in the middle of another Thedas-shaking event. It was just in his nature to shove back when the world pushed him. Corypheus had brought it on himself.

"Maybe you're right. But tonight I'm off duty, Marian."

"Oh my." Hawke quickly emptied her glass and filled it again. She looked rather pink. Aedan began to wonder whether she was all right, but Hawke raised her glass. "To being off duty."

Smiling, Aedan lifted his glass and clinked it with hers. "To being off duty."

They drank in silence for a bit before Hawke's hound got up and placed its head on her knee. Probably begging for table scraps. Aedan smiled to himself.

"Your hound?"

"Mmm." She smiled down at it and stroked its head. "Her name is Waffles. She's old so I don't let her fight anymore, but I still love her."

"I had a mabari once."

"What happened?"

"He got the taint."

"Maker, I'm sorry." Hawke's face scrunched up with sympathy. "I'm anxious every day that Waffles will have passed while I'm out adventuring and I wouldn't be there for her... I can't even imagine what it feels like."

"Yeah." Aedan nodded and lifted his glass to his lips. "The Inquisition has seven other mabaris. You could let her play with them."

"Oh, I tried, but she's lazy." The dog whined. "And I love her for it."

Aedan said nothing to that. Love... that seemed like a luxury to him. He hadn't felt any real love for anything in a long time. Not anything new, anyway. He didn't have the time or the energy to invest, or the inclination to deal with the inevitable pain. He loved Fergus, he loved Alistair and the Wardens... but nothing new. Except...

"Do you ever feel," he began quietly, "that this life just takes everything out of you? Just squeezes out everything, you know?"

"I do. I was at Kirkwall, remember?"

"Right."

"Do you want to ask about it? It's okay, everyone does."

Aedan shook his head. "No. I've read Varric's book on the topic. 'Tales of the Champion.'"

Hawke groaned and sat back. "Maker. Don't believe everything you read in that book."

"I believe the bit about Anders."

"Ahh." Hawke sat silently, staring down at her drink. Remembering.

"You were close."

"Yes. We were." She took a measured sip. "There was a voice in him driving him, driving him towards justice for the mages. It got so loud that it drowned everything out." She took another sip. "Even me."

"Yes. I know what that's like."

"He wanted to change the world, the fool. He knew it couldn't happen peacefully. He ended up starting a war nobody could win." Hawke drained her glass. "When he went mad, I couldn't stop what he did. I could only put him down."

Aedan nodded. "Thank you for that kindness."

Hawke snorted. "Didn't feel like a kindness. Fucked me up for life. He spoke about you, though."

"Mmm. I was the one who conscripted him into the Wardens. He helped us through a very hard time. Then one morning he just disappeared. Next thing I know, he's blown up a Chantry."

"Did you search for him?"

"No. I knew he'd vanish. The day we met, he'd escaped from the Circle for the seventh or eighth time. I don't remember now. We all knew it was a matter of time."

"What was he like... before?"

Aedan finished his pint and hummed. "Humorous. Happy." He shook his head. "Lecherous. An overall pain in the ass."

"What'd he do?"

"Peeked into the women's bathing area. With Oghren... another Warden. He didn't make things easy."

Hawke laughed. "Maker, that's so different from the man I knew. He was serious, self-righteous... he understood what it was like to be a mage, so he knew well how to be with one." She smiled to herself. "I liked him for that."

Aedan reminded himself that Hawke was a mage and had supported the mages at Kirkwall. He raised his empty glass.

"To old friends," he said. Hawke smiled and raised her own empty glass.

"To old friends." She filled her glass. "But enough about me. What about you?"

"Me? Nothing really. I'm retired, I have no plans and I take care of dogs. Nothing in the same league as you and Anders."

"Carver, my brother – do you know him? He speaks highly of you."

Aedan nodded. "I know him. The boy Nathaniel conscripted in the Deep Roads. Got the taint, right?"

"That's him. He tells me you're a great Commander. They really like you. Did you really retire?"

"As good as."

"Why? I thought you had to keep Wardening till you heard the fat dragon sing?"

"I see Warden Hawke has been slipping out some secrets."

"Whoops. Disregard that. He didn't say anything."

"It's fine," Aedan said with a shrug. "Not my problem anymore. He's a good Warden, your brother. He'll be fine."

"It's a difficult thing, knowing what's to become of him," she said. "Knowing I'm at least partially responsible for it."

"He doesn't blame you. Stop blaming yourself."

She smiled slightly. "There I go again, prattling on about me when I was asking about you."

"It's fine. I have nothing much going on." He considered this. "Well, not entirely true."

"Oh?"

"I recently met my son."

Hawke almost dropped her glass while filling it. "Y-You have a son?"

"Yeah. Met him for the very first time yesterday."

"Wait... you mean Kieran? He could sense I was a mage and I asked whether that was a bad thing. He said that it wasn't and it would be sad if I lost it, that it'd be like being blind." She chuckled. "Cute kid. I told him to never be a templar when he grew up. He said his mother wouldn't like it, either."

"That's him. Though he doesn't know I'm his father. His mother and I... it's complicated."

"What isn't? But hey, you have a good son. That's got to count for something, right?"

Aedan nodded. "Maybe my luck's changing."

"Maybe it is. Maybe you make your own luck."

"Do you?"

"I try. It works sometimes. Other times I end up setting fire to a noble's knickers or something. "

Laughing, Aedan finished his second pint. He was done for the evening. There was no point in getting sloshed. Marian Hawke had been good company. She'd made him feel better.

He leant back in his chair and appraised her for the first time. This was a person who had lived almost the same life as him: chosen to be a symbol against their will, doing their very best to hold everything together and giving everything to achieve that end. But where he had succeeded, Kirkwall had descended to madness. The Champion had 'failed', or so was the verdict. People judged, and rightly so, but would they have fared any better?

I doubt it.

"What?" Hawke asked.

"Hmm?"

"You were staring at me. Is there something on my face?"

"Oh. I was just wondering about the blood across the nose thing."

She waved it off. "That never happened. Varric wrote it in because he thought it'd be funny."

"My life has been a lie."

"No, really. I did that once in the middle of a fight. Varric took it and ran with it."

"He said you did it to cover up your pimples."

"Ugh. Like I said, don't believe everything you read in that book. "

Aedan smiled and shook his head. He liked her.

"I know," he said, placing his chin in his hand. "I don't think you've had to deal with that problem at all."

Hawke laughed airily, though her cheeks got red. "Whatever gave you that idea?"

"Just an observation. Doesn't look like you did. Those leave a mark."

"Have you been studying me?"

"No. But looking closely, yes."

Her face got ever redder and she took another sip. "What do you look at first? At a woman, I mean."

She looked right at him as she asked the question. Aedan thought about it.

"Depends on the woman. Depends on the place. If she's trying to kill me, I don't notice much."

"What about a pub? Relaxed environment, you know?"

"Then... the eyes."

"Really?"

Aedan nodded. "Tells you all you need to know. What they want, what they think. You just have to," he locked eyes with her, "look for them."

Hawke smiled. "Windows into the soul, right? You should know that it goes both ways."

"I have nothing to hide. I answer most questions."

"Except Warden stuff?"

"Except Warden stuff."

"Huh. You're a noble. Did you ever have a... betrothed?"

"Rendon Howe's daughter, Delilah."

"Wait. Howe as in-"

"Yes."

"Shit. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm not. She never liked the idea and neither did I. She's been married to a storekeep in Amaranthine for years, now. Has two kids."

"You're still in touch?"

"Her brother, Nathaniel, is actually in the Wardens. I recruited him around the same time as Anders."

"Wait, Nathaniel is a Howe?" Her eyes widened. "And you recruited him? But... but why?"

"His father's sins aren't his. Besides, it was what was best for the Wardens. We needed all the help we could get." Aedan hummed. "What Aedan Cousland may or may not have wanted was always secondary ever since the Blight. I think that's something I had in common with the Champion of Kirkwall."

Hawke smiled and nodded. "So, what does Aedan Cousland want?"

"What I want and what is possible are two very different things." Aedan chuckled. "Anyway, we were talking about romantic liaisons. What about you? No boy or girl stories from growing up?"

"Well." She hummed. "We never stayed in one place very long, so making friends was hard. Much less... you know. But there was this one boy. We were around fifteen. And curious. So, there we were, lying side-by-side on hay, sucking face."

"How scandalous."

She smiled and then giggled a little girlishly. "Very. And as I've said before, we were curious. So, we were kissing and stuff, and I felt his hand going up my skirt, right? And I panicked and electrocuted him a little."

"Damn." Aedan shook his head. "That couldn't have gone well."

"You have no idea. He was so scared that it wasn't hard to convince him to keep mum. But it didn't work out after that." She smiled to herself. "He asked me if it was contagious. Like magic was a disease."

"I fooled around with an elven maid in my estate's Chantry."

"You did what?" Hawke thumped the table, squawking out a laugh. "How'd that go?"

"First time in my life. Didn't know what I was doing. Put it where it doesn't usually go."

"Oh no!" She cackled with laughter. "Without preparation?!"

"Not even a warning. She had to sit me down and tell me how it was done." Aedan chuckled. "After she had to squat through the pain for a half hour, of course."

"Poor girl."

"I eventually made it up to her."

"In the Chantry?"

"On the altar."

Hawke whistled. "You nobles are wild."

Aedan sat back and hummed to himself. It had been a fun evening. He could only imagine what it would've been like at The Hanged Man when Hawke, Varric, Anders, Isabela and the others sat down. There would have been laughter, camaraderie... the stories would probably have melted the ears off of conservatives. The thought made him smile. Reminiscing about old times with a beautiful woman over a drink or two... how long had it been since he'd done anything even remotely similar?

Stop before you go too far. You don't want anything you can't handle, do you?

He cursed his mind. Always the rationalist.

"It's getting late," Aedan told her with a slight shake of his head. "I should go back. Take a bath before going down for food."

"Oh, right. I completely lost track of time." Hawke finished her glass and stood up, scratching Waffles behind her ears. She smiled at him. "I'll do the same as you. Might even take a nap. The wine makes me sleepy. How much is a bottle here?"

"Don't bother. It's free for us."

"I always pay. Well. I always pay in pubs that aren't The Hanged Man."

"I'll take it."

"Absolutely not! I'm a big girl and I can pay for my own intoxication."

At that moment, the door of the tavern was flung open and Alistair stuck his head in, grinning widely.

"My mum's an elf!" he declared proudly. "Drinks are on me!"

Then he left to much cheering. Aedan laughed.

"I guess that takes care of that," he said. Hawke nodded.

"I suppose."

"Walk you back?"

"But of course!"

Aedan didn't say much on the way back, other than talk to Waffles a few times. Hawke remained quiet too, until they reached her door. She pulled the key from her pocket and looked up at him. Aedan said nothing.

"Well," she said after a long moment. "I guess we start early tomorrow for Crestwood. Do you eat breakfast?"

"Just some eggs, usually."

"Okay, well, I'll call on you and maybe if there's time we can grab a bite."

"That'd be good."

"Good night, Aedan."

"You too, Marian," he said before walking off to his room.

Once inside, he pulled off his tunic and hung it on one of the nails lining the back of his door. Then he went and opened the window, letting the cool mountain air wash over him. He stood there a while, staring out at the dark nothingness stretching out before him, turning the events of the evening over in his head.

Maybe my luck is changing, he'd said. Maybe it was. First Kieran, then Marian. Two new people he'd met in two days with whom he'd connected. Maybe his life was starting to give back after taking so much. Maybe he'd have something to look forward to again.

Maybe, just maybe, things would be okay.

Aedan never heard the first knock. The one that raised him from his reverie had the urgency of a third or fourth knock. Jarred by this intrusion, he went and opened the door quickly. It was her.

"Marian."

"Hi."

"Hi."

"I, uhh, thought I'd try my hand at making my own luck. That is, if you wanted to."

He stared at her for a moment. It had been ten years since he'd done anything of the sort. Ten years was a long time. People changed. Empires fell. And yet... and yet...

Maybe my luck is changing.

So, he stepped toward her and put an arm behind her back and kissed her. Then he pulled her into the room and closed the door. She put her arms around his neck and pulled him into a long, deep kiss. Hungry, passionate, needy. Everything Aedan could relate to.

He pushed her up against the door, feeling his mind slowly going blank. She tasted of apricots, smelt of apples. Her hands, soft and exploratory, lit his skin afire in their trail as they tugged and squeezed at his skin and muscles. She made his breath catch.

His tongue intercepted hers and he let it dance along hers, slowly and deliberately, as he covered her mouth with his. The experience made him shudder. It made him feel alive. She made him feel alive.

They fumbled with each other's clothes and then decided wordlessly to just take off their own. It was faster that way. She wrapped her legs around his hips and Aedan carried her to the bed, gently laying her down.

Almost nothing was said after that. He took his time. Long enough for him to know every curve and contour of her body. He knew the rhythm in which her body moved, the rhythm with which her heart beat, the way her chest heaved when she panted, and even the subtle differences between her different pants. He figured out things she liked, things she loved and things that drove her crazy. He figured out what he had to do to make her skin flush red. And he was sure she found the same things out about himself.

Afterwards, as she lay with her head on his chest, their legs entangled and his fingers sliding through her soft hair, she sighed and said, "You know what it's like to be with a mage, too."

They never made it down for supper. Instead, they talked in-between making love. She told him all about her family, what happened to her mother, her friends from Kirkwall, and her personal thoughts as things happened. He told her about his family, about joining the Wardens and his journey through the Blight and beyond.

Invariably, they got to talking about home.

"I can't go back," Aedan said quietly. "My brother and I, we had it built from the ground up. I love him, but every time I go there, I can see where all the bodies fell, see them all in the shadows. It's funny, after everything I've seen, that's the only thing that gets to me."

"I grew up all over the place, really. I never had a 'home' until I went to Kirkwall. Home is more than a house, I've realised. The Amell Estate was just a structure. I wanted Mother to have her house back. Where I really felt at home was The Hanged Man. We had good times there. Many a laugh." She sighed. "I get what you mean, though. I haven't been back since. I didn't think I'll be able to handle it. Maybe after Corypheus is dealt with, I'll try."

"That's right. You're Solona's cousin."

"Mmm. Though, I've never met her. How is it that everyone I know, you're at least somewhat acquainted with?"

He chuckled. "I don't know. Comes with the job, I guess."

"Married to your work, then?"

"I was. Kept me busy. But it also took everything from me."

"Your hound got infected in service?"

Aedan nodded. Marian rubbed his chest.

"I didn't want him to suffer. So I just sat with him, you know? All night. He was sneezing up clots of blood and shivering. You can't... save animals from the taint. I would've otherwise. I told him what was going to happen. He just listened. You know what he did?"

"What?"

"He just... licked my hand. As if to say it was okay, you know? He understood. And with those hands, I-"

"I'm sorry."

"That dog was with me through everything. When I lost everything, through the Blight... it felt like killing a part of myself."

"What was his name?"

"Lucien. Alistair called him Barkspawn."

"Good name for a good boy."

"Yeah."

"Hey, life took one good boy from you, it gave you a chance with another."

"I know... I really like that kid," he said with a sigh. "I'd like to be a part of his life. I haven't looked forward to anything at all in so long..."

"That's a good thing." Marian smiled against his throat. "D'you know how many men would take that excuse to not take responsibility? You'll be a good influence. And he'll be a good influence on you."

"You think so?"

"I know so. The past is over and done with. He's your son. Not your past."

"How did you get past it?"

"With a lot of time. And twice as much red wine."

Chuckling, Aedan curled his index finger around her chin, tilted her face up and kissed her again.

Marian sighed against his lips. "You know at this rate I'll just pass out during, right?"

"I'm no Warden, Marian. That stamina is gone."

"What say we wake up an hour early and resume? All fresh and rested and whatnot?"

"Works for me."