~ Chicago, Illinois - April 2004 ~
Despite living in my human home for over four years, I still had very little emotional attachment to the loss of my parents. I never was given a chance to grieve their demise before my change. After I became a vampire, my newborn emotional state, and my disgust with what I had become, really did not give me much of a chance to dwell on their deaths. In the decades since, I have never given much thought to the grief and loneliness death could cause. Even though I had killed humans and vampires, I never had to personally experience the postmortem emotions or thoughts of loved ones. Over the years, Carlisle and I had several academic discussions on the subject of a vampire losing one's mate. Those had centered on Carlisle's time living with the Volturi. Specifically the tragedy that had befallen Marcus Volturi's mate, Didyme, and the eternity of paralyzing grief Marcus now endures over her loss. But without the opportunity to experience Marcus' thoughts, I could not really appreciate how devastating losing a mate could be.
It was because of my lack of experience with death's aftermath, that I found myself unprepared to deal with the death of my next-door neighbor, the former caretaker of my family home, my friend, William Alexander.
Last month William died of heart failure. A year ago I started to notice an irregularity in his heartbeat. After some prodding he went to see the doctor. After a second and third opinion, he resigned himself to his fate.
William passed away surrounded by his two sons and his wife of over fifty years. His death was peaceful, and his final thoughts were of his beloved Josie. He hated leaving her, but he knew they would be together soon.
After the funeral, Josie's sons stayed for a while, but soon their own lives required them to leave. They both offered and begged her to come with either of them, but Josie would have none of it. She put on a brave facade until they left. Then her life crumbled around her. I was not prepared for the despair and loneliness echoed in her thoughts. She had spent over fifty years married to William. He was more that just her husband. He was her best friend, her confidant, her emotional crutch, and her lover. One of her sons would call at least once a day, and for those few minutes, she found the strength to sound composed and happy, almost eager to hear the latest news about her grandchildren. However, after each call she would tumble back into her pit of misery and suffering. She missed her William with every beat of her broken heart.
Over the decades, I had heard the remorse of countless humans over their loss of a loved one, but I never allowed myself to feel and experience their grief. I had always stayed emotionally detached. However, I truly liked the Alexanders. Josie and William were more than human acquaintances…they were friends. If this is how it felt to lose a beloved human spouse, I couldn't even imagine the pain a vampire, with our heighten emotions and senses, would go through after losing a mate.
I tried my best to comfort Josie, but I could read in her thoughts that there was nothing anyone could do. She knew her pain wouldn't go away with time. She knew that the only thing that would bring her peace was death itself. William and Josie both had a strong faith in God. I knew that William was sure he would see Josie in heaven. For Josie, seeing William in the afterlife was a certainty that could not come fast enough.
Last weekend, her sons offered to fly out and visit with their families. They were worried about her. Her oldest boy, Harry, even called me and asked how she was truly doing. I did not want to lie, so I just said she was doing as well as could be expected, and that I would keep an eye on her. What I did not say was, Josie did not want her sons and grandchildren to see her die. That was the real reason she begged them away. She did not want her sons to know that she hoped every breath she took would be her last.
I had been monitoring her thoughts throughout this past evening and into the night. Part of me wanted to go over and relieve her suffering by sending her on to be with William, but I waited. I knew her time was short. She lacked any will to continue on. As she drifted in out of consciousness, Josie started to have conversation that rocked me to my core. When I heard the word vampire, I shot out of the house and into hers. A second later I was kneeling beside her.
"He is doing fine, Lizzy, but I can tell he's lonely and bit sad." Josie rambled on. Her eyes were closed and she looked so serene. In her thoughts I could see she believed she was talking to my mother. "He looks remarkably good for his age. Oh! And you should see him in the sunlight! It's like diamonds!" Josie let out weak giggle before continuing, "He is such a good man."
The vision of my mother in Josie's thoughts answered back. "Before you go please tell Edward his father and I miss beyond words. We are both so proud of the man he has become."
"I will dear." Josie replied to my mother. Her eyes opened and looked at me. "He is here now, Lizzy. I think he heard everything you said, which is good because I don't have much longer." Josie paused as the image of me in her eyes changed a bit. I looked mostly the same, but my eyes had changed from amber back to the green they were when I was a human. "I never noticed before, Lizzy, but he has your eyes."
"And his father's loving heart," my mother replied back before reaching out her hand. My father, who came into view, took it.
"I hope you can hear us, Son." My father spoke as he put his arm around my mother. "I'm not sure we are allowed to be doing this, but Josie insisted." My father glanced over his shoulder as if he was looking out for someone.
"Better to ask for forgiveness later, than miss this chance." Josie replied with a sly wink to me.
"We love you, Edward." My father said with a hitch in his voice. My mother nodded in confirmation as tears rolled down both of their cheeks. "We never wanted to leave you," he continued, "but at least Dr. Cullen helped you escape our fate."
"You had too much life to live, Edward. I just couldn't let you die and I knew Dr. Cullen could save you!" My mother added, now openly crying. "I just hope you don't hate me for it. I know you have struggled so much."
She looked so sad and worried for me. I wasn't sure if this was a dream, or a hallucination, or real. But I wasn't going to let this opportunity pass me by, even if this was all in Josie's or my mind.
"Please don't cry, Mother. I…I don't hate you. I never did." I said sincerely as my words pushed past the lump forming in my throat. "I now understand why you asked Carlisle do you what he did. Thank you for insisting he change me. It's just…am I a monster? Am I damned?"
"Oh, my dear boy!" My mother sobbed into my father chest. "No…No...You're not a monster! Never!"
My father comforted my mother. "Your mother and I both know that your new life was not of your choosing, but you've done so well." He replied. "You have a new family that loves you almost as much as we do. It is not up to either your mother or I to know what God has planned for you, Son. But you have a good heart…you have a good soul. Trust in that."
Josie's eyes closed and the vision of my parents started to fade.
"Don't worry, Edward." My father called out as he faded away. "The best is still yet to come for you. You will find your way, Son. You will find your happiness."
"I love you, Father! I love you, Mother!" I called out to their vanishing forms.
"We love you too, Son! We will always be watching over you..." I heard my mother say as they disappeared.
Josie's mind clouded over as her breathing slowed to near stop. Her heartbeat was weak and dying.
"I never got say goodbye to them before." I whispered. " Thank you, Josie."
Even though her eyes were closed she smiled. "You are welcome, Edward." she thought, before her aching heart took its last beat.
In her mind, she saw herself rise up out of her body. Standing over herself, she turned and gazed into the distance. A feeling of pure joy and contentment overcame her.
"Yes, I'm coming, William! Hold your horses!"