Notes: Angst was asked for, angst was received

12. "why do you keep bringing it up?"

Garrus paused in the door. Shepard was at her desk, her papers neatly stacked. Her uniform was neatly pressed and she looked far too well put together for having narrowly escaped earth, then Palaven in such quick succession.

Her quarters on the other hand were still a mess from the half-finished retrofit. There was exposed wiring by her bed and a stack of wall panels behind the couch. Someone had hastily constructed a work bench out of her nightstand and a panel and there was a cluster of cables and a messy stack of tools on it he almost couldn't believe she hadn't already organized.

The fish tank, once empty, now had a lone goldfish swimming through the weeds. She still had the model Normandy in a bottle on her desk by her terminal.

"If I'd known you were going to just stare at me, I would have done something more interesting to watch," she said without turning around. "What can I do for you Garrus?"

"Shepard," he said. "When I ran into you at Huerta earlier…"

"I told you." Her voice was cool and level with an air of condescension. "I was busy." She didn't look up from her requisition forms. "Why do you keep bringing it up?"

"Thane said you'd been there for hours." He stood at the edge of the desk and tapped a claw to try to get her attention.

"I was," she admitted. "I was working. When we left earth, the ship was not equipped for any sort of work. We had no medical supplies and Kaidan was our only medic. By the time I finished with the requisite meetings and paperwork to transfer Dr. Chakwas back to the Normandy, secured necessary medical supplies and personnel, and finished the rest of my work at the hospital, visiting hours were over."

"I know it's important, but he asked about you," he said. "Wanted to know how you were doing." When he visited, Kaidan seemed, all things considered, in good spirits. If Garrus had ears, he would have talked them off about neurosurgery with as much enthusiasm as he could manage. He was far too excited about cadaver disks.

If he'd known that Shepard was down the hall, talking an administrator into speeding up Chakwas' termination of employment, then finding another vital task to eat away the time he would have gone to get her. Instead, he told Kaidan that she wasn't that busy and would show up soon.

Both Kaidan and Shepard were his friends. He wanted them to mend things between them. But they were both stubborn and while Shepard said she wanted to talk things out, she would rather not. He was sure she intended to go visit tomorrow, or the next day, or the next, but when that day came, she'd find any excuse not to.

"I told Kaidan that if I had time, I would be delighted to go see him. I didn't have time." Her voice carried threat of distant thunder and if he were a more sensible Turian, he'd let it go. "He's a reasonable man. He knows that under these circumstances, my time is a limited resource. I can't afford to spend it socializing."

That was the worst part of that conversation. Kaidan understood. He hadn't looked surprised, or even particularly disappointed, that Shepard had too much going on to make time to see him. Just resigned. He remembered Mars only in bits and pieces, most of it hazy either due to the head injury or the painkillers, but he remembered some of what he said to her. Enough of it to want to apologize.

Her response was a far cry from when she came into the main battery after a fitful attempt at sleep. Visions of charred flesh and gentle waves lapping at a ruined shore still clutched at her and Ash's voice echoed in her ear. She sat down beside him on the railing, her shoulders slumped like six months under house arrest and a Reaper invasion were only just now starting to hit her, and said in a small, shaking voice, "It's my fault. I needed the Illusive Man to trust me. I didn't…"

He didn't think Mira Shepard had ever felt guilty about anything she'd ever done in her life. She didn't know how to deal with guilt. He tried to help, but he was distracted by Palaven. Trying to help the new Primarch. Trying to find out about his family. He could only do so much.

She felt more than a little to blame for what happened, but it was easier for her to deal with it when she thought he was dying. She was afraid to go see Kaidan again. Afraid of his response. Afraid of what he'd say to her. Afraid he'd only hurt her again. And she responded to uncomfortable emotions by doing what she did best. Running from it.

"What's your schedule look like tomorrow?" he asked. Maybe if they were together the prospect wouldn't seem quite so daunting. "If you can make time, I can go with you if…"

"Don't worry about that Garrus," she said, waving him off. "I won't have time tomorrow. There's a lot of preparations I have to make for the war council. Then I have to secure the loyalty of the Terminus systems before we leave for Sur'kesh…"

"And when we get back you'll find something else," he said.

"That's not fair. You saw Palaven burning. We need to do everything we can to defeat the Reapers," she said. She set one signed form off to the side before taking another to review. To anyone else, the smudge at the end of her signature wouldn't have meant anything. "Kaidan understands that it's not that I don't want to see him, there just isn't enough time."

"You made time for a visit with Aria T'Loak in a night club," he said. He tried not to spit the name. Tried not to let his own bitterness towards Omega come into the conversation. "You could have found ten minutes while you were already in Huerta…"

For the first time since he came in the room, she looked at him. Still inscrutable and emotionless as ever.

"It wasn't a priority," she said. A sudden cold crack of lighting. If he were a sensible Turian, he would let it go. He was not a sensible Turian, they were his friends, and they'd been treating each other poorly.

"Look, Shepard," he said, gently putting his claws on her shoulder. He'd let it go after this. "You don't have to have to talk to Kaidan if you don't want to, but if you're not going to, you have to tell him."