~ Great Bear Lake, Northwest Territories, Canada - August 28, 2004 ~
Hell. That is where my emotions and psyche have been the past week. After I dropped Bella off at her house after our talk last Saturday, I hadn't heard from her or Charlie since. She was back in Phoenix now. The mating bond demanded that I go after her, but I wouldn't. I promised Charlie not to seek her out. I hope he told her that. I hoped she wasn't waiting for me to show up and smooth things over. But I doubted she was. Bella's words left little doubt that if, or when, she wanted to contact with me, she would reach out. Plus, Charlie was not a devious person. I trusted that he informed her of the conditions that prompted my confession.
Time for a vampire is a strange construct. A year can go by in virtual blink of an eye, or a week can last an eternity, at least that is how it felt. So many questions and bouts of second-guessing can pass through one's mind in a week.
Was I just a distraction?
Did I push her too hard?
I should have waited to tell her…given her more time to get to know me?
Did she despise me because of the people I murdered?
I knew I mated on her, but did she mate on me? For vampires it's always symmetrical, but she is a human…would she only feel the pull of the mating bond if she was vampire?
Will I ever see her again? Will I ever feel her hand in mine? Will I ever kiss her lips again?
Should I go speak with Charlie?
Maybe I was wrong about my soul? Maybe this torment is God's way of punishing me for what I am or the people I murdered?
If Bella decides to go on and have a life without me in it, how will I cope? And when she leaves this earth, how can I follow?
Did Charlie celebrate Bella's birthday early like he had planned?
How could she leave without at least saying good-bye?
After I got back to the house a week ago, I gave my family a summary of our conversation. Their thoughts were kind, but Esme's seemed to best sum up what they all felt.
"My poor, Edward. He's just can't seem to escape the black cloud that seems to follow him around."
At least none of my family blamed Charlie or Bella. Neither of them had asked to be indoctrinated into our world. We were the disruptive force in their lives, not the other way around. Despite the personal hell I found myself in, I wouldn't change anything. For a handful of hours, I was able to be carefree and capture a glimpse of what a future would be like with her. As we sat on the beach I had wanted that moment to last forever. Now it appears I may have to make those memories last that long. I knew she could still accept me, so there was some hope. But it is hard to focus on that glimmer when all I could see and feel is despair.
Except for Alice and Jasper, I had received all of the advice and comfort my family could provide. A few days ago I decided to reach out to Alice for some guidance, but she texted me and said she would not help and that I needed to go through this without her visions. I know Alice told me not to get frustrated if things did not go perfectly, but I would classify Bella fleeing Forks a tad more severe than 'less than perfect'.
So I waited back in Forks until I knew Bella's plane had landed in Phoenix without any issues, I then told my family I was going north on a little trip. I didn't plan on being long, but I had contacted Garrett and asked if he could meet me in Canada. I wanted a fresh perspective and some advice from him. During our short time traveling together years back, I valued the guidance and wisdom he offered. Plus, I needed to get away from Forks and all of its reminders of Bella, even if it was just for a few days.
We were to meet at the western side of Great Bear Lake in the Northwest Territories. I had arrived earlier than expected, so I wondered around the area. I was about six miles northeast of Déline, near a small fishing shack. There, I found a long wooden dock that curved out into the lake. I stood at its end and looked out over the calm water, enjoying the mental quiet the area provided. It was twilight and the remaining sunlight lit the surface of the lake with hues of red and indigo. I stayed there until nightfall descended as I tried not to think. I knew I would lose that battle, but the effort was relaxing.
Several hours later I caught the faint thoughts of Garrett and Kate. As they got closer, I pulled my gaze away from the water and walked back to the fishing shack. Soon I heard Garret's voice carrying though the night.
"Hello, Edward! I see you changed our meeting location. It's a good thing Kate has a better sense of tracking than I do." I had intended to travel further north to our original meeting location, but I had stayed out on the dock too long.
Oops!
They both approached holding hands and smiling. After we embraced and inquired about our respective families, we found a spot by the water to have our talk.
"Garrett, I have to admit your amber eyes are very becoming." I told him with a smirk.
"Well, it wasn't easy at first, but Kate keeps me grounded and focused." He replied. "Part of me misses prowling some battlefield or urban hovel for prey, but I have accepted that those days are behind me. How about you? Are you still helping the local law enforcement rid their streets of crime?"
"A little bit," I replied as I thought of what happened out at the Robert Mitchell farm.
"And how about Phoenix? How many times have you've been back there to check on your singer." Garrett teased. The fake smile I had been forcing dropped and I looked away from the two of them.
Kate gasped. "Edward, did you…" Kate's words trailed off but her thoughts continued. "...accidentally kill your singer?"
"Lord, no!" I exclaimed. "I didn't kill her." I looked back and forth between, before continuing. "She is my mate."
A stunned look passes between them.
"A singer and then a mate. What are the odds?" Garrett muses. "When was she changed?"
I shook my head to answer him.
"She's still a human?" he asked incredulously. "You mated on a human?"
"Is that even possible?" Kate asked, still stunned by the news.
"Apparently," I replied. "But I'm not sure she mated with me."
I then went on and told them both about my entire history with Bella. I covered everything. The nomads we killed. The intervening years I spent on my own. Arriving in Forks and meeting Charlie. Discovering that he was my singer's father. The Robert Mitchell case and its outcome, which made them both wide-eyed. Picking up Bella from the airport. Discovering that she was my mate. The day we spent together. Speaking to Charlie about Bella knowing what I am. I ended my tale with the story about telling Bella about my existence as a vampire and the subsequent aftermath.
Garrett and Kate sat dead still. By the time I finished the morning sun was just about to come into view. I suggested we move further into the wilderness so any stray humans would not see us in the morning sun. After we moved into the trees, they both had a few questions, but they were easily answered.
"The reason I wanted to see you Garrett, and Kate your input is welcome too, is to get some input on what you think I should do next."
Garrett looked at Kate, who nodded back. "We will help if we can, but this scenario is a bit beyond the normal," he replied.
"So let me ask you, do think a human can mate with a vampire? Or, would she not mate until being a vampire?" I asked.
"I have never heard of a human and vampire mating, but that doesn't mean she doesn't feel that same as you." Garrett replied. "Your empathic brother may be the best source of that information, but as you told us, he and Alice have removed themselves from the drama, at least for the time being. During your last conversation with Bella, were you monitoring her reactions closely?"
"Of course," I replied. "I have monitored and cataloged almost every reaction."
"When did she become withdrawn during your conversation?" he asked. I had analyzed this point quite a bit over the past week and I disliked what I remembered.
"When I spoke about my rebellious period and the humans I killed, she became visibly shocked and quiet. However, it was when we discussed vampire mating that she really pulled back into herself. In fact, the final question she asked was to inquire if she was my mate."
Kate placed her hand on Garrett's arm. "Edward, if I may?" she asked.
"By all means. I need all the help I can get." I responded.
"Even though I have not been human for over a millennia, my sisters and I have had our fair share of encounters with humans." Her statement elicited a feral grow from Garrett. I could see from his thoughts he hated to think of any creature, vampire or human, being intimate with his mate.
Kate rolled her eyes at Garrett before continuing. "I am also a female too. I'm sure Esme and Rose both have weighed in on this, but my perspective might be a bit different. Unlike Tanya and Irina, I never imagined myself mating. I never felt that I was somehow incomplete because I was alone. Even though I had sisters, and Eleazar and Carmen, I always believed I was independent. Men, whether vampire or human, were just accessories…playthings."
Kate paused while she patted Garrett's hand. "Now I know my dear Garrett here was in a similar way with his eternal bachelorhood, but when we mated he accepted it with out pause. That is not to say, I rejected him…far from it. We were inseparable from the first moment. The emotional part of me craved Garrett and gave myself over to him without reservation. I only felt complete and content when I was with him. However, the intellectual part of me mourned my independence. For many centuries I had thrived without a mate. During our first year together, the intellectual side of me waited for the mating bond to feel like a yoke. It never happened and I now see that I was foolish to ever think being mated could be burdensome. But you see for a female, vampire or human, whom is living in a male dominated world, losing even the appearance of choice or freedom can be unsettling."
"Do you think Bella feels that her choices have been taken away by her connection with me?" I asked. I would never want her to feel she was limited or stifled. I loved her independent and feisty nature. For me mating was liberating, but Kate might be right that Bella may not see it that way.
"It is a possibility," Kate replied.
"But it could also be that she either doesn't have those same feelings, or the realities of being with what we are too much for her." Garrett added. "I always felt that if humans were better equipped emotionally and intellectually to handle the existence of the supernatural world, vampires would have already declared themselves. The simple fact could be she just cannot accept that side of you."
"And, who is to say she is not still coming to a decision." Kate said. "Once you mated and recognized the bond, your feelings and desires were set. From what you told us, I find it hard to believe she didn't have feelings for you...probably very intense ones too. But the human brain can only handle so much unbalance. I actually think she was wise to step back and want to think about everything you told her. This is not a topic you want to be impulsive on."
"So if you were me, what would you do?" I asked.
Garrett laughed at that thought. He was damn glad he was not in my shoes. "I would be in Phoenix," Garrett replied. "But that is only because I would not be conflicted about breaking the promises you made to your mate's father. My guess is that you do not want to break those promises."
"That is correct," I answered.
"Then really, your only two options are to go off on your own again or to return to your family. Either way you will be waiting in misery. At least being with your parents, you have a better opportunity of finding out how she is doing."
"Plus, if she does decide to get in touch with you, where do you think she will contact you? Certainly not up here at Great Bear Lake." Kate added.
They were correct. Waiting would be torturous no matter where I was. At least in Forks, I would be near the places I spent time with Bella. I know realized that in her absence, my music room, our beach, and even the park, were my only connections to her. Two days ago I left to get away from those reminders, now I needed them.
With my decision to return to Forks set, I spent the remainder of the day listening to Garrett and Kate tell me about their life together. They were happy and Garrett's wanderlust and human bloodlust have been kept in check. Before we parted, we all went hunting together. Garrett had wanted to show off his vegetarian hunting skills, plus, he wanted to thank me in private for helping him find Kate. He also wanted to tell me one more time that I should never bet against Alice. If she said I should try not to over think things and curb my frustration, then I should do just that.
That was easy enough for Garrett to say, but I was the one that had to do it.
Author's Note:
I would like to say I was sorry for leaving you hanging last Monday, but I'm not. Just like I am not sorry for this little cliffy either! :) ;) :)
Thank you to everyone that has reviewed! I am thinking of writing some additional scenes (perhaps as outtakes if I can't make them work within the story), so if you have a favorite canon scene that you would like these characters to experience, let me know. I'll pick some and see where these characters take them. For example, I am working on a Halloween scene (I know, not really canon...but it is seasonal) that will be added.
-Chris