PART 5

Harm sat in the waiting room staring into a cold cup of coffee, his fifth cup since he arrived at the hospital. On the trip over, Mac had flat lined twice and he watched in horror as they fought to bring her back. Now, it was a waiting game to see if they could dislodge the piece of metal without doing anymore damage. That was nearly an hour ago and he couldn't get any tangible information from anyone. He hated that it wasn't a military hospital where he could order people into giving him information.

His uniform had been so covered in Mac's blood that the hospital had given him a clean change of clothes as well as a shower. His uniform he tossed away not even caring anymore about his medals or gold wings. Somehow, not even flying mattered anymore if Sarah died. His arms where bandaged from wrist to elbows because of the cuts from the debris. The one hand that wasn't holding the coffee, he kept opening and closing. She had held that had. . . he'd held her then, and also as they took her in the helo to the hospital. . . until they forced them apart, again. He wanted to go into the operating room, offered to put on scrubs, but the doctors denied him, so he waited.

He was the only one in the waiting room that night, sitting in the comfort of his loneliness. Sighing, he thought back to the first time he took her on his plane, she lost a lot of blood then as well. He saved her then, but not now. . . now there was nothing he could do and it was driving him crazy. Harm wasn't sure of a time when he had hurt more than he did then. Inside, he was sure that his heart was breaking. He felt a physical pain in the center of his chest which he rubbed lightly. There inside his shirt, against his heart was her dog tags. They had taken them off during the helo trip and Harm had slipped them around his neck with his own.

Pulling them out of the shirt, he glanced at the details that he knew by heart. Harm grinned, her birthday was coming up, he and the JAG crew had a plan to surprise her. She hated surprises, especially when it came to her birthday and he couldn't blame her. Her mother had left her during her 15th birthday. Ever since he found out that bit about Mac, he'd spent every year trying to make the day pleasant for her. This year, though, he was planning a big bash and the whole JAG crew was in on it. He even had her present bought, it was something that he had found on a trip he'd taken a few weeks prior to Naples, when a client of his was in need of a lawyer. Harm didn't know why he bought them, he wasn't her boyfriend and it wasn't a gift that a male friend would give a female friend just for the hell of it. "Commander?" Harm was brought out of his thoughts by a familiar voice. Looking up, he saw it's owner. "Harriet? What are you doing here?"

Harriet offered a half smile and brought him close for a hug, when he stood up to great her. "I thought you could use a friend." After separating, she sat in the vacant chair next to his and rubbed his back soothingly. She'd never seen him that badly broken down. "Any news?"

Harm shook his head and sighed. "Nothing for about the last hour and a half." Looking at the doors that lead to the operation room he frowned and swallowed down the urge to burst in there, demanding explanations. Instead, he turned his attention to his friend. "What are you doing down here? Is Bud with you?"

"No, Bud is still at JAG Ops. Whenever time permits I head down here to attend the grief meetings like I used to when I lost baby Sarah." Harriet said, clearly still hurt by the loss of her baby. "They wanted me to speak at this afternoon's meeting. . . I guess a few of the women there are afraid of trying for another one." With a small smile, she rubbed her belly which was showing signs of the twins she was carrying.

Harm chuckled. "You and Bud have a small soccer team." They shared a laugh which was able to lighten Harm's spirits. Until one of the doctors came out of the doors. Harm stood up and then sat back down when the doctor headed down the hallway, away from the waiting area. "This waiting, it's killing me." Turning to Harriet he offered as best of a smile as he could. "Thank you for coming, Harriet. . . it means a lot to me. . . and it will mean a lot to Mac." He wasn't cold, but his body started shaking. It happened earlier in that hour, when he was sitting there alone with his thoughts. He didn't want to cry in front of Harriet, but, it was no use. The began again and he couldn't hold them back it only made the pain in his chest worse. "I'm sorry." He told her, as he tried to wipe the tears away.

"It's okay to cry, Harm." Harriet said softly as she pulled him to her. She felt his head on her shoulder and the tears wetting the blouse that she was wearing. "Just have faith."

"If I lose her, that is the last thing I am going to have Harriet." He said between choked sobs. "I've lost people, too many to count but I've never felt this way before. . .It's like my heart is breaking."

Harriet rocked him as she would one of her children. She held on for him, trying to be strong for the man that she had never seen fall apart like that. He wasn't a man to just break down, his emotions were always in check and guarded. Now, it didn't make a difference anymore.

"How is she?" Looking up Harriet saw Sturgis, Bud, Jen and AJ standing just a few feet from them.

"Admiral." Immediately, Harm wiped at his tears and attempted to stand at attention, which AJ waved off.

AJ would have chuckled had the situation been different. "Retired, son. . . The name's AJ."

Harm nodded and stood up anyway to take the hand that AJ had extended. "We miss you around the officer, sir. . .Uh, AJ." With a half grin he recovered then nodded at Sturgis. "What are you doing here?"

Sturgis shrugged. "Closed up shop earlier today. I thought we should be here with you."

"Mr. Rabb?" The doctor, a tall skinny man called as he stepped into the waiting room and saw the group of military officers that wasn't there earlier. "Hello, may I have a word with you?"

Harm walked out of the waiting area with the doctor in tow and stood in the middle of the hallway. "How is she?"

"That is what I wanted to talk to you about, privately." Taking a deep breath the doctor looked towards the door where a nurse was standing in wait for him to rejoin the surgical team. "We are still having trouble removing that metal rod and she's lost a lot of blood. . . She's in critical condition. . . if she crashes on us one more time, I don't think she'll make it."

PART 6

Critical condition. The words hit Harm almost like a freight train that was aimed right at him. "Can I see her?"

Dr. Taylor stared up at Harm. He knew that look from the hundreds of others that stayed there, waiting for their loved one. Cept, this wasn't just anyone, he was a military officer, people that were trained to keep emotions in check. He didn't know what it was but something compelled him to let him see Mac. "Okay, but only for a couple of minutes."

One of the nurses helped Harm slip on a mask and a rag over his head. He was let into the surgical room where Mac's body lay. She was breathing, he could tell by the rise and fall of the chest and the sound of a machine keeping the rhythm of her heart. The doctor cleared the room, allowing him a few moments. His hand wrapped around one of hers, careful not the pull out the IV or any other contraption that was attached Mac. She looked so small laying on that bed. Harm had never thought of her as being fragile until now, the idea brining a fresh batch of tears to his eyes. "You know, you should wake up so you can rag on my crying like a baby, Marine." He laughed despite himself. "You're the only woman except for my mom and grams that has seen me cry. . . a few times too. ." He thought with a sigh. "Like Russia, when I found out about dad." Swallowing down the lump at his throat, Harm brought a hand up to brush away one tear. ". . . You weren't the only one crying when I left to fly, Sarah. . . I, I didn't cry in front of you, but I did as I drove home. . . I didn't leave you then and I am not leaving you now. . . Just please. . . please hold on for me and for you. Because, you have a lot to live for. . .Chloe would never forgive you if you died. . .Neither would I." He stumbled over his words only because his emotions were out of control. He couldn't save her, it was all up to her now and that thought scared him because he hoped she knew that there were things to fight for. "I Love you, Sarah. . .please remember that."

"Commander. . ." Dr. Taylor tapped him on the shoulder. "You have to leave now. . . We need to finish."

Harm nodded then raised Mac's hand up. He kissed the back of it, then gave her one last look before leaving. "Please, Sarah." He whispered as he headed out of the operating room and to his friends.

Somehow he wound up sitting between Jen and Harriet who were each trying to soothe his pains. It wasn't really working, but at least he felt better that he didn't have to be alone through all of this. "Thank you guys, for being here."

"We wouldn't be anywhere else, Harm." Sturgis said, taking a sip out of his coffee cup. Sighing, he looked at the time and then stood up and stretched. "How was she went you went in there?"

Harm shook his head, there wasn't much words to describe it. "Pale. . . she wasn't conscious and had some tubie thingies connected to her." He motioned to his hands and chest then frowned. "I think it was worse seeing her in the rubble."

AJ looked at Harm. He knew there had been some sort of mishap, but no one exactly clarified what happened. "What exactly happened, Harm?"

"We went to see if we can dig up more information on a case we were prosecuting." He said with a wince. All he could remember was the drive down to Norfolk and all of the argument they were having. "This kid, a Petty Officer swore up and down he didn't have anything to do with a murder. . . He was hitting on Mac, and I got a bit angry that he wasn't respecting her as an officer. . ." It was his fault, or so Harm thought. If he hadn't been so testy with Jimmy, then Mac would have been fine. Maybe he would have even been able to take the detonator away. "He got this really crazy look in his eyes. . . And I got angry, pinned him to the wall. . .then he just took out a detonator and Mac tried to take it away, but it didn't work and he blew up the BEQ."

"Was there anyone else injured, sir?" Coates asked with a voice laced with concern.

Harm shook his head. "Every one else was taken out with some minor injuries. . . Mac was the worst. . . Well, Petty Officer Daniels was the worst. . . he died." Biting his lower lip, Harm went over the conversation he and Mac shared under the rubble. 'I love you, I've been in love with you so long I don't remember when I fell.' Her words haunted him.

Had he always been that oblivious to her? Sure, he knew that she loved him in some fashion, but not that she was in love with him. That changed things dramatically, because it meant that he didn't have to hide anymore. After Sydney, after Mic left and definitely after Paraguay, he wasn't sure of anything anymore. He figured he blew all his chances with her before and they were all his fault. At Sydney harbor he pushed her away. When Mic left, he did too, but because he had an obligation to his girlfriend. Paraguay, he didn't fight her for it. But, would it have mattered if he did fight? Would she have still gone to another man?

Standing, he walked to one of the large windows in the waiting room and looked out. I was raining, a sign, he had read once, of good luck. He snorted that thought aside. 'I love you, I've been in love with you so long I don't remember when I fell.' Harm thought about that over and over. When did he fall for her? He figured it was probably years ago, which would be why he would always get a funny feeling around Mac. Thing is, he didn't notice how much he felt until the Admiral had told him that she was on a CIA mission and was missing. That's when the nightmares began and the haunting feeling that he had to be there to save her, which he did. And, regardless of how things would have ended up, he'd have saved her all over again. But, when he should have stated his intentions to her, Harm froze.

Sturgis stood next to Harm and looked out of the window. "You're blaming yourself?" He knew his friend too well. Harm was the type that would blame himself for things he wasn't even directly involved with. "You couldn't do anything, Harm."

"Couldn't I?" Harm glared at his friend. "If I wasn't playing the jealous Neanderthal maybe we could have calmed that guy down."

"You said it, Harm. . . MAYBE." Sturgis patted Harm on the back and held on to his shoulder for a brief moment. "If this guy was as crazy as you suggested, he would have done it anyway."

"It won't matter anymore if she dies, will it?" Harm watched the lightening show and sighed. "We were fighting today."

Sturgis chuckled. "Tell me something new."

Harm just shook his head in disgust. "I mean I threw some low blows."

"And she'll forgive you. . ."

"I tried to tell her what I felt. . ." He said as he closed his eyes tightly. "I am just not sure she heard me."

Sturgis watched his friend trying to fight emotions that he knew Harm wasn't good at expressing. "She knows, Harm. . ."

Another hour passed by before Dr. Taylor made it out of the OR and directly to the group in the waiting area. Those sitting down stood and waited patiently while the doctor's frown broke into a smile. "Ms. MacKenzie put up a great battle. . . and she came through it fine."

Harm let out the breath he had been holding. "When can we see her?"

"In a few minutes, I'll give you the room number. I am sure I don't have to ask, but please do not agitate her. . . the drugs have her groggy and she needs all of the rest that she can get."

The group, Mac's surrogate family, rallied around Harm as they all shared laughs and tears that their friend was still alive.