Chapter 5
What's not said in words
Naturally, for Naoki, kissing Kotoko meant nothing, it was just a brief union of his lips to her shocked ones. An action in which he didn't need to put in any effort, being it so trivial. A moment that could have a great positive impact on the relationship with the girlfriend he had.
With pity, he had realized that such exchanges would have to be repeated in the future in order to have the effect he expected. And, much later, it would be the foreplay to something else.
It wasn't completely unpleasant, to unite his lips with Kotoko, as it was just a mean to an end. But, also, it shouldn't be something unforgettable. Of course, it was impossible not to remember something if he saw it or heard it once, yet he could move it aside from his mind very easily.
Except for this time, that kiss between them was brought up to his conscience each occasion he moved his hand to his chin, a habitual movement when he was at school.
It had to be that it arrived at his consciousness by the reason that motivated the kiss: Kotoko reached an impressive position in the list and made clear that she was much more than she seemed. She could be an idiot, but if her ability was focused on a goal, she mocked possibilities.
Naoki imagined that, if he had rejected her letter, she would have found a way to lure him to her. He could almost bet his money on it.
He suppressed a smirk at the thought; as if he, without a goal in between, could have accepted someone like her in his life.
Bearing that in mind, he left the institute, classes finished, and went home, alone, ignoring the words of his mother to wait for Kotoko, as both of them had to go to the same direction and had the same schedule.
His mother stressed to be chivalrous with the redhead, but he didn't see why he had to wait and waste his time on what she did after classes. Those first two weeks she stayed an hour in the library, and that saved him of his mother's recommendation; now, he could simply excuse himself because she wasn't at the front gate and if they lived in the same place it was not necessary to spend all the damn time together.
The full truth was that he didn't wish for people to see them go the same way home, or cause some curiosity to arise and, suddenly, people decided to follow them and recognized their home. There were things that people didn't need to know. A rumor like the one that would spread if they knew that they lived together would be worse than one of the two as a couple.
Mornings were something else, it would be very obvious for him to leave without her, although for his benefit Kotoko stayed in her daydreams and thwy never followed the same timings to school.
"Naoki-kun!"
He sighed, and for a second was torn between stopping and to keep walking, but the latter won the battle, Kotoko would easily reach him if she wanted to.
"Naoki-kun!" Repeated the redhead closer, until suddenly he was pushed forward by the collision of their bodies.
Naoki took a deep breath to relax his impatience with the clumsiness of that girl.
"Sorry!" She exclaimed, standing beside him, five centimeters away from him. "I thought I wouldn't reach you before you got home," she continued, more calmly, "I saw you when you came out of the subway, but I was held back by the mass of people and I lost sight of you."
He made a sound with his mouth: acceptance, offhandedly.
"How were your classes?" Kotoko asked. In a sidelong glance, he saw that she shortened the distance between the two slightly.
"Fine," he replied plainly.
She nodded with one of her constant smiles, which made her eyes shine and that he was already nor so uncomfortable to see, because of the habit.
Kotoko giggled in a way that made him slightly wrinkle his nose. "Today everyone was looking at me," she said, covering her mouth with her hands, "and my classmates nicknamed me the Irie of Class F," she continued.
He rolled his eyes at how ridiculous that sounded, but fools as they wouldn't have another way to call her. "They said you really were a genius because no one else had seen what you saw in me."
Naoki, who knew the truth about it, was grateful that none realized how he was also surprised about the situation. But no one noticed, and he accepted the shocked and regretful comments from his classmates who questioned his choice of girlfriend. At least, that would finally silence the rumors at school and again he would have peace in his place of study.
He admitted his fault in having them intrigued by his actions (the kiss), but that was for a suitable reason.
"I couldn't believe it when I saw the result and I know it was thanks to you, I told oba-sama that I can understand you but not my teachers; you're a good sensei, have you thought to be one?"
The suggestion was something he had not thought of, and he thanked her quietly for contributing to the analysis of what he wanted to do in life without knowing it.
He would devote some time to reflect on that.
Kotoko closed a little more distance between the two and he frowned. "Oba-sama also said to ask you if you could tutor me until I finish school," she voiced without taking a breath.
"No," he replied, because in that case, he would spend many hours with her, more than he wished to. Well, he was going to put her in his pocket, but he'd decide the time and moment.
It was easy for him to explain, to occupy all his evenings of the year accompanying her: no.
"Okay," she agreed and he saw her shoulders slumped in disappointment.
That seemed to shut her up, and he enjoyed not having to continue listening to her prattling along the way, another reason why it was better to walk alone.
"Look!"
Naoki stopped short when Kotoko stood in front of him, holding a picture before his eyes. He frowned when he saw that the two of them were there, showing when they fell asleep on the table during their overnight of study.
His mother with her old tricks, again.
"This was in the lucky charm oba-sama gave me the day of the exams, I opened it today. This is why I was very lucky," she stated in a cheerful voice. "This is the first picture of us together."
Sure, he thought sarcastically, making her aside to continue.
"This picture is only for me," Kotoko said and he sighed knowing he wouldn't have to insinuate that the image mustn't be shown to anyone; or she mustn't talk about them living in the same place. On reflection, he should at least tell her the latter.
She returned to his side looking at the picture in her hands.
"I'm glad that my results show that Naoki-kun has a good girlfriend," she murmured without raising her gaze from the printed photograph.
"Why?" He questioned, momentarily leaving aside his earlier intentions. Curiosity moved him. It had to be that she was happy to teach others, and himself, that she was not entirely foolish despite belonging to Class F. How was it related to him?
For him, occupying the first place was common, but he understood the meaning of proving others that he was better than they and good at what he did. Did Kotoko not see it like that? She had shown superiority by belonging to the top fifty, even though she was in the last place. And she said it was something related to him?
"Because I didn't want… for you to be affected by having a dumb girlfriend," she murmured; only from his good ears had he managed to hear.
I didn't really think you were so dumb. Again his words. His concept of her matter to her so much? Why did she take into account his opinion? At least it was advantageous for his purposes, but she didn't know that.
"I know I'm not very smart, but I wanted to show that I can be better than what you saw the day I arrived home," she said a bit higher than the previous time. "And teach others also; to make you proud."
"Why?" He asked again.
"Because I love you and I care about what others think of you," she said smiling to his face. Her face glowed in some way, making her look different to his eyes.
He felt strange in response to that look and the happiness that she conveyed with her expression; he saw that she could be unique if she smiled that way, because of the feelings she expressed.
"And I am very happy to be with you," Kotoko added, cutting away what was left between them to rub against him when walking.
How was it to want someone in that way? He did not understand why she had such feelings for him and how they had developed.
He identified within him something named as embarrassment, because he didn't understand and didn't think he could experience something like that, and because he had a tiny moment of guilt to be aware that she wanted him—she used the word love—in a big way and he was only with her to fulfill a purpose. But he dismissed it thinking that it made her happy to be his girlfriend, and he was Naoki Irie, he didn't need to say more.
[...]
For Naoki, getting back to the study which drove him to start his relationship with Kotoko, accompanied by his father, was another bad omen, he expected no worse.
This time, it was his father who asked his presence alone and not him, so he didn't know which purpose the meeting had.
Dinner, full of joy at the extent of Kotoko, had just finished; when everyone scattered, his father called him to the study before he could go to his room to read.
With his usual calm, Naoki sat opposite his father, who was clearly uncomfortable. He was wiping the sweat from his forehead and his face was red as a tomato, in addition, he didn't look at him in the eyes.
Interesting.
"There's something I wish to talk to you about," his father said with obviousness, and Naoki nodded with respect, inviting him to continue.
His father shifted in his chair and nodded, clenching his hands before opening the drawer to the right of his desk, pick something that he couldn't see and reached out to him.
Naoki mimicked the gesture understanding he wanted to give him something and then he felt something light in his hand, quad and in a material that felt like plastic or aluminum.
He felt his neck freeze, having an idea and, after his father let the object from his hand fall, he approached it to his body.
It was a condom.
"Eh," spoke his father while he decided to assimilate the possible significance of that.
First of all, he preferred to listen, "I've been thinking and… I know that young people today have other ideas, I'm not asking you…" his father blushed "… to do it, well, not right now, you know I like grandchildren," he coughed "… but in a few years… and… I'll feel calmer if something passed. It would avoid Ai-chan surprises and lose his trust in you, and… after all, she is his daughter," his father finished stammering and sweating profusely.
Naoki felt his ears colored slightly, he had never had a more uncomfortable encounter with his father. He could not say that, by common sense, since he had sexual consciousness, he had that measure of care in his wallet, but to appease the conscience of his father he would take it and save it.
Only, until now, he hadn't spent more than a slight thought to that and his father brought it to his consciousness. Not that he thought Kotoko had no appeal; in fact, her body, though small, had nice curves and he had noticed them. But in his head, he hadn't devoted much attention to her physical appearance, even though he was sure it would not be unpleasant because she…
"Thanks," he muttered trying to cut the advance of his thoughts, which had not progressed before because he was more rational and not guided by that kind of sexual impulses, although the normal teenager would think of it.
But he wasn't like the others. And he detested his father because he had made him take those things into account, he complained to himself leaving to go to his room. It was a clever gesture of his father to give the condom, but he knew him and his words insinuated more.
What nuisance had Kotoko caused with her arrival into his life…
"Oh!" A body hit against him, that wasn't attentive, and he raised his hands to hold up the other person, reaching a plush material around a small figure.
The strawberry smell was the first thing that told him the identity of the person, before looking down at the towel Kotoko had wrapped her hair in, pink, like the one around her body, which not long ago he had been thinking of.
Naoki turned away feeling slightly flushed, for the umpteenth time that day, and looked to his right, diverting his eyes from the fresh out of the shower redhead.
"What emba…rrassing… I… uh, I forgot my clothes in-i… No! I'm sorry!"
He heard a very loud closing of a door, and he sighed in relief.
Sultry.
He took his right hand to his face and rubbed his eyes hoping to placate the heat he felt.
Not in that hand he carried the condom?
He opened his eyes in amazement and looked on the floor for the packet that his father had just given him; quickly, he found it with his bright red color standing out against the pale color of the carpet.
"Kotoko," he whispered bending, wondering if she had seen it. And if so, what would she have thought?
He put the condom in his pocket as if burned, running towards his room.
Never had he been so embarrassed in his life.
[...]
Naoki didn't know if Kotoko, the night before, had seen the condom that now burned in the wallet in his pocket, or if it was the clash between themselves that caused her to avoid eye contact that morning, but he didn't want to find out.
Fortunately, that day he had avoided the question at break time, in which he decided to stay in his classroom in order to not have a chance to come across her until departure time.
He just didn't want to relive the embarrassment of the previous day, that, if he could, he would completely erase from his mind.
In this case, he wanted to be able to not remember everything he saw and heard, as Kotoko said it was normal for a person, something that came up during their studies. He envied that for others days pass and incidents like that were forgotten, but there was nothing he could do to forget them and he just had to direct his mind to other matters. Unless something stimulated his thoughts, which in the course of the day everything seemed to do it (because of that, the kiss was going back to his mind).
His whole body was tense and he felt his hands warm, and everything that happened made him want to send objects flying and spit on anyone who dared ask anything, but he managed to answer in his customary dry form, although they got away scary afterward.
It was no surprise then that, when he had finished the rest of the day, the eyes of his classmates who addressed him were afraid, and that they turned away when he saw them.
However, two hours prior to the end of school, watching them look at him and the whisperings among them, made him frown in irritation, because even Watanabe analyzed him carefully between times, but mostly thoughtfully.
"What?" He must have sputtered, although he wanted to ask with his voice of always.
Watanabe, looked sideways, then swallowed, and spoke: "There's a rumor," he whispered and licked his lips. "Accompanied by a copy of photography that can be proof."
An alarm went off in his head, making deductions. Kotoko.
"What's it about?" He asked almost under his breath.
"Rumor has it that you and Aihara-san live together," Watanabe said, with an uncertain face. "There is a copy of a photograph, posted on the board, accompanying, uh, the news." The light-haired bit his lip.
"And what do people say?"
The other was omitting that information accompanying the rumor. He didn't want to think what had contrived all vultures, with good bait. He wanted to listen to it. He cared little what people think about his personal life, but he didn't want the kind of rumor that would cause problems in school.
"They spread word you're a pervert, a freeloader that has put her in his home to bed with her, that you're not a good example, that Aihara-san will soon be pregnant… that she takes you to a bad road, paying you with sex, " Watanabe hawked, "and other things about her and you not worth repeating."
Naoki felt the blood rise to his head and his ears warm. The whole school would be gossiping at the end of the day and a teacher would approach him to give him a reprimand for inciting the situation or even to question him for that.
He nodded by way of thanks, because he didn't trust how the words would come out of his mouth at that moment.
He felt a great desire to go looking for Kotoko and to strangle her until he damaged her vocal cords, so she learned to keep her mouth shut for once.
And give an inspection to her head to see if it had common sense for not always sharing everything.
As if he had not needed confirmation, at the change of hour, the tutor of his class called him to come and talk to him about the need for moderation and the importance of their future, and to ask him not to make his life public. The other teachers accepted that slip by his history, but expected in the future it would not be repeated.
Feeling that his head was boiling after that, the next and last class, he apologized to the teacher to go to the restroom, time he used to go to see the board and verify the proof of the loose mouth Kotoko, who needed to show restraint now that he had engaged her in full in his life, especially when he hadn't the option of bailing out.
Then he went looking for her. In Class F, where the teacher was absent, he found Kotoko laughing with two companions as if nothing was wrong, and that made him call her loudly from the door.
She jumped and smiled at him when she saw him at the door.
"Come," he said turning to return to the board, without waiting for her.
Naoki heard her footsteps approaching him from behind after a few moments, but it was very slow and he turned to grab her wrist and lead her, oblivious to her complaints of almost stumbling.
"What is this?!" He shouted in front of the board, where just the two of them stood.
Kotoko gasped at the photocopy of her photo, showing the two of them asleep, with words and drawings on the sides announcing they lived together, almost with immodest things embodied.
"How did this appear…" His beloved girlfriend stopped and looked at the floor, which looked very interesting.
He pinned her against the board and extended his right arm to remove the paper and then begin to crumble it. "I don't care how this garbage got here," he snapped in the face of Kotoko. "But I would have expected one gram of intelligence from you to know that you shouldn't have opened your mouth on the subject. Only a stupid does not notice," he said angrily, turning away so as not to put his hands around her neck.
He threw the paper ball down and turned to go to his classroom without deigning to look once again at the face of Kotoko.
Seeing her would have caused him to do more than what he had done.
[...]
After excusing himself of dinner proclaiming a headache, Naoki took a long, cold shower and a dose of aspirin, then went down quickly into the kitchen to look for food, before it did wrong to him taking medicine on an empty stomach.
While sitting at the table eating, his mother approached him and took one of the empty places.
"A lovers' quarrel?" She asked, smiling a little.
He raised an eyebrow in her direction, bringing rice into his mouth.
"You and Kotoko-chan have not dined with us citing a headache, and you've got here quite angry."
If she knew reality, she would not be so calm. Never had he had such an anger like that day, that, after several hours and showering, he had understood. He usually didn't let emotions affect him, and this time the situation exceeded him, even causing him a headache.
"Has it been something you want to tell me?" His mother leaned across the table toward him.
Naoki simply ignored her, answering that way.
"This inconsiderate son of mine!" She cried making one of her dramas, holding a hand to her head and pulling out a handkerchief with the other to wipe a false tear. "But I have a daughter!" She snapped suddenly, rising hastily.
He snorted, he didn't think Kotoko could say anything about his anger. She was just a very determined and inept girl who was lucky to do well on her tests.
He pulled a piece of meat into his mouth, nose wrinkling; that wasn't very fair, he admitted that the redhead was not really very silly, but someone naïve and with lack of common sense. Against contrary belief, she wouldn't have told anyone they were living together and shared the photo, which was just hers.
How short her possessiveness had lasted. If it were him, he would have kept quiet and silent on the matter, because he was reluctant to trust others.
But she had an ability to speak and share what was going through her head, without thinking, he reasoned. And she was more confident with others. All this must have been the reason why she spoke more, to a person who betrayed her or thought as funny or romantic the subject, to consider the possibilities.
He had seen that Kotoko had no great malice.
Anyway, she was guilty and deserved not being spoken to by him.
[...]
"Onii-chan."
His mother didn't bother to knock on the door and entered his bedroom closing it behind her, crossing her arms.
"What do you want?" Naoki asked setting aside his gaze from his book, momentarily.
She watched him frowning and he raised an eyebrow.
"What did you say to Kotoko to make her cry?" His mother questioned in an angry voice, approaching him.
Naoki raised his other eyebrow. What he said made her cry?
He would have to annex sensitive or susceptible to his repertoire of words to describe Kotoko. Romantic, chatty, naïve, confident, determined, protective and sensitive. All opposed to him.
Yeah, he had hinted that she was inept and stupid, but after a while she had to see that it was unwise to share information about two teenagers living together, boyfriend and girlfriend no less, and that people could only misinterpret or tell different stories for entertainment. If she saw it logically, she'd come to that conclusion.
"Nothing that you should hear, if she did not say so," he responded, going back to his book.
"That's the problem, Kotoko will not tell me anything, and she has said for me not to tell you how I found her," his mother said, taking the book away, sitting on the bed, forcing him to turn the chair, as to not give her his back.
"And how did you find her?" He asked the question for her to finish once with that. Yes, he had made Kotoko cry, she would stop later. That was all.
"She was devastated." That caught his attention, what did she mean? "And that made me think it was not a simple disagreement," his mother spluttered, looking grim.
"Devastated?" He asked squinting.
"Yes, as if she had spent hours crying and her eyes did not sparkle, she lacked courage. She was off."
Well, that did not sound like Kotoko. She wasn't quick to understand logic, but really more time should pass for her to be able to understand it.
He, more bound by the rumors, had already assumed what had happened, and she could forget his words because she couldn't remember everything like him.
That was it, what she needed was time. And next time he would take better account of how he expressed himself to Kotoko, because she was susceptible to misunderstanding what he was saying. Or find more implicit words.
"Onii-chan." His mother sighed, "I don't know if you understand, but I'll explain."
What had he needed to understand?
Surely his mother didn't think he couldn't understand something. "It's the first time you must take into account the feelings of someone else nearby, who's not your family and that does not know you so much. In the future, you will have to moderate your words and soften yourself a bit, especially in your relationship."
He frowned, yes, he had thought he would give a better use to his words. He could not expect everyone to understand him.
"You see, sometimes people react differently when you do not care how you talk to them. Maybe you see logically what is said, but people also put their feelings first and they can get hurt, although deep down there is truth. Or say things guided by our feelings. Or act without thinking of others. I know your intention was not to hurt Kotoko, but what you said or did hurt her." His mother did a brief pause to her emotional's book speech. "And you should apologize."
This time his mother sighed deeply.
"You must not think only of yourself or as you see it, you've been in this position… I have often thought it's partly my fault you're like this and ask you an apology, dad always told me so." That was an issue they not touched by an instruction from him, and his frown told her it was better to leave it.
But remember that made it all clear.
Now, he was the other children taunting him for a gender incident and Kotoko was in his place, getting teased for something that those who were part of gender equality, defended today. "Onii-chan, you're not a bad guy, you just sometimes forget that we are not pure human logic. I do not know whether not to cause you harm," she whispered very low, but he still heard and likewise ignored. "Now, you go to Kotoko and ask forgiveness."
Yes, less he and more she, less logical and more feeling, he thought, wrinkling his nose when his mother went away and he stood in front of Yuuki's old bedroom. He was certain that it was the only thing that he could read and forget in the practice.
Naoki did not think to go over his head the readings he had done about the topic.
He knocked on the door of Kotoko three times and she never replied. Only by curiosity, because he guessed she was asleep, he opened it, to see if his mother had not exaggerated with the intention of giving that talk she was dying to give him. Tomorrow he would talk to her.
Quietly, he entered the room lit only by a lamp on the nightstand.
In the dim light, he saw his girlfriend lying on the bed and went to her. He squatted to better see her face and reached to recognize her wet eyelashes and the trail of tears on the pale cheeks of Kotoko, who had a little unkempt hair over her face. He moved it with his hand to see better and moved away quickly when she stirred.
He hit the table and stacked books collapsed, waking her.
He stood looking at Kotoko's red eyes, who blinked repeatedly. "Naoki-kun?" She called hoarsely; she, as well, faked a smile looking away in a futile attempt of him not seeing what he caused. "Is something wrong?" She sat up in bed.
How was it to want, "love", someone in that way? He asked himself again, watching in silence. For a brief moment, he thought of the afternoon event would not do well in bewitching her; in another, he tried to put himself in her place without understanding her, and he gave up because it would give him another headache.
He would do what he was supposed to do there and leave. Then he would keep the incident in his memory compartment away from his consciousness.
Only that he had never seen the real task of having to apologize because he was always right. And his mother had pointed out that he did something wrong—without intention—, and while looking attentive to Kotoko, curiously, that his words in the afternoon were not entirely right. In addition, he promised to Shigeo-san not to hurt her.
On reflection with the words of his mother, perhaps anger spoke for him. Therefore, that was why he tried to keep his feelings aside.
"I am sorry."
Those words did not come out of his mouth and he watched in disbelief at Kotoko.
"As I arrived early and I was alone, I was watching the photo before the others arrived," she explained and he listened to the origin of the events. "I was going to save it when my friends took it away from me, and everyone in the classroom saw it. They cornered me and I told them you were my tutor. Kin-chan," that annoying guy," insisted again where I live, saying it was suspicious, and I don't know what more, and others also began to ask and I had to tell them we lived in the same house. The whole group went against me," she finished looking down.
Twenty or more against one, very fair. What he didn't consider, and needed to hear.
Well, he would apologize and that was that. His lips parted and no words came; with a sorry would be enough, but it caused him discomfort. He had to say them. Or not.
He sighed.
He approached Kotoko and made her raise her face. She lowered her eyelids almost hiding her look; it was better that way. If she fixed her watery eyes on him, she would make it more difficult for him.
Naoki cocked his head slightly and bent to touch his lips to hers for a second, in a brief contact that had meaning, not like the previous times, because this time it was sincere. And deep down he felt she made him understand her understanding and acceptance, or he was convincing himself.
He separated and removed his fingers from her chin.
"Tomorrow we will begin to study," he communicated, before leaving the room.
Perhaps yielding a bit she would see that he didn't want to hurt her.
Only that one time he would yield.
AN: Naoki should get used to be the cynosure of every eye, really.
If this was difficult for me in Spanish, just don't ask how was it in English. Really. Dialogs are easy to do, but thougths, my God. And this is where all starts, my friends.
I'm occupied, so now I have to go. Thanks for reading.
Karo