Chapter 17

The result of inner battles

With the towel on his neck, Naoki left the bathroom and walked past the half-open door of Kotoko's bedroom. She was there with her two friends, who accompanied them home that evening to study with her, due to the closeness of the exams that would define the entrance to Tonan university—he knew, thanks to his girlfriend, that many put their hopes in that college.

The two girls were there to take advantage of Kotoko, the school number fifty, who managed to keep the position on the list because —according to Watanabe— the boy from class C had surrendered, saying that the genius' girl would be difficult to overcome, having him.

A simpleton, in Naoki's view, that clearly didn't deserve a place on the board if he did not put any effort and had those thoughts.

If instead, his girlfriend had the position; it was because she had proved to be better for this. It was obvious that, as she stated at the beginning, Kotoko had it very clear that she would make him feel proud. For others, again, it was obvious why she was "his girl" as they said.

Disdainfully, he thought that only one person was blind to that fact.

At least Ikezawa was not there to study.

"Kotoko, we don't understand!" Exclaimed one of her friends, and he stopped to listen. He did not have to go in, because the presence of the friends had freed him of being tutor. And there were only two of them (no other friends).

"Yes, we don't understand you, maybe you have good scores, but you're not very good at explaining," agreed on the other, who should be Jinko, more frankly.

Naoki rolled his eyes.

"We better read your notes, maybe we can decipher them."

He held back a laugh and continued the way to his room, closing after entering, noting that Yuuki was reading a robotic magazine for children, entertained. He moved his head, placing his towel on the rack, sitting at his laptop for a game of chess before bedtime.

"Satomi, do you think that next to the room where Irie studies we can catch his intelligence?" He heard, a while later, on the other side of the door.

The girl talked in very high volume.

Naoki, like his ototo, turned in that direction, rolling their eyes.

"Dunno, but we lose nothing standing here a few minutes. And, do you think Kotoko could lend her boyfriend some time to teach us?"

Yuuki laughed softly and he looked with disdain at the door. Pair of idiots.

"What are you talking about?" Kotoko asked then. "And what are you two doing here? I left just a moment and now I find you in front of Naoki-kun and Yuuki-kun's room.

"We wanted to know if we can infect of Irie-san's intelligence," Jinko explained.

He smiled listening to Kotoko's laugh. "That's ridiculous!" she said. "Let's go to my room! Naoki-kun will be angry if he hears you."

Too late, he said in the mind, turning back to the screen, where he finished the game. Then, he opened the browser to search a page of scientific articles and pressed one link related to advances in motoring engineering.

"I'll go for cookies," Yuuki announced loudly as if he needed alert, and Naoki nodded, while paying attention to the English text.

Someone called to the door, with Kotoko's way of knocking, and interrupted him, even though Yuuki hadn't returned.

"Come in," he said with no humor.

There was a change in the air in the room with every step he heard her give towards him.

"Naoki-kun?"

"What do you want?" he asked, continuing his reading until the period.

"Can you review these problems of physics?" She whispered and he sighed, because she was terrible at that subject, getting him to fall flat on his face every time he taught a new lesson to her.

He reached out his hand and she placed her notebook in his palm. He put it before him and found problems of universal gravitation, which he hadn't reviewed with her yet.

He denied and returned the notebook.

"What is wrong?"

"You've misused the equation and units of measurement are different. They must be equivalent."

"Oh. Equal, equal, good. Can you solve the first to serve us as an example?" She ventured.

He sighed and asked for the notebook and pencil. He solved the problem easily in the next sheet, and returned it to her promptly.

"What?!" He looked over his shoulder; Kotoko's friends were waiting at the door. "Not even a minute!"

He shrugged, his girlfriend laughed, she would have reacted the same if she had not witnessed it before. It the first time, she had the same response.

"Thanks, Naoki-kun."

"Close the door behind you."

When he heard the click, he turned his back to the desk and looked at the place where Kotoko had disappeared. He thought that she had made an astonishing progress since he tutored her the first time, when she would not have dared to solve a physics problem and instead would've come to him with a blank notebook for him to solve the exercise.

Her reaction would have been like the ones of her friends and she'd have jumped to the next opportunity for him to solve her homework, rather than arriving with solved exercises and seeking correction. Moreover, she would have returned countless times to asked for help, trying to convince him with a look of need.

He felt the corner of his lip rise and thought briefly, was she really the only one who behaved differently?

The door opened again and he kept his composure quickly taking advantage of Yuuki looking at the cookies on his plate.

"Do you want one, Onii-chan?" asked his brother.

He nodded and took a cookie from his brother, then took it to his mouth and bit down, quickly feeling the sweet flavor of chocolate, which made him frown.

He found that Yuuki mimicked his expression.

Since when did he accept the sweet stuff?

What a stupid thing, he determined. He shrugged his shoulders; it was just a cookie.

[...]

A body fell into Naoki's chest, making him put his book in one hand and hold whom he recognized as Kotoko while maintaining balance.

"Sorry. Let's go," she said breathlessly, holding his wrist to go to the station to their way home.

"Kotoko!" Naoki listened behind the chorus of people calling her, feeling her hand that held him tense. "Please!"

What the hell?, he thought, not knowing whether to trust her feeling that it was right to rush him and handle him, or to let go, because he hated being controlled.

He risked the second, forcing Kotoko to slow down the pace.

"Don't!" she exclaimed in a frightened tone, making him raise his brow.

He looked at her. "What is happening?" he asked, watching her frightened eyes looking back at what was making her move faster.

He saw over his shoulder, where, crowded together, a plague of young people of different size followed them. Twenty-three students, exactly. Without having to guess, seeing the faces of her friends, they were from F.

"Don't let everyone see my eyes," she pleaded hiding her face against his chest when the quick steps of the others reached them.

"Kotoko, help us!" they chorused.

He took off Kotoko from himself and crossed his eyes with hers. She hesitated. "What is this?"

"Pleaaaaseeee!" They shrieked, causing him to raise an eyebrow.

Kotoko shook her head and unexpectedly ran towards the station. The others followed her promptly.

Naoki frowned without moving. What do the idiots might want with his girlfriend? Disgusted, he thought that help with the impending examination, as her friends did.

"Kotoko, watch out!" His heart jumped and hastily headed for the direction taken by them, turning around the corner breathing hard, slightly worried about what might have happened to her in her flight.

A car accident went through his head.

The F Class, now silent, made way for him and he saw Kotoko on the sidewalk, with Jinko and Satomi at her side, the latter handing her a napkin, which his girlfriend used to place on her knee, that he imagined was scraped as he not could see it.

A boy, he didn't care who was, approached and gave a bottle of water to Satomi, who moistened another napkin, which she started to give to Kotoko.

Stupid people.

He sighed irritably, coming to them after having stopped to watch the scene, recovering the normal rhythm of breathing and heartbeat.

There was no use of saying something about Kotoko's clumsiness appearing at the worst time, but at least it was not something more serious. If that had happened, he did not know what he would have done. "She faints seeing blood," he muttered trying not to think of that scene.

He reached toward the brown-haired asking for the wet napkin, before kneeling in front of Kotoko. He tried to remove the dry napkin on her knee, which was already stuck to the wound and made her hiss when he tried to peel it off.

"The water," he ordered to Satomi, who gave it to him solicitously. "You're gonna feel it cold," he told Kotoko, who nodded and closed her eyes when he was about to pour some water on the napkin on her knee, so that it was easier to remove it.

He saw the wound on her knee was very superficial, although her drama should be from the shock. He cleaned it with water, thinking he would disinfect it at home, and handed the things to Satomi, without looking, to throw them away.

He held out a hand to Kotoko to help her stand up, and spoke firmly: "I do not want to repeat again, what's going on here?"

"My classmates want me to convince you to be their teacher these days before the test."

And, apparently, they were as insistent as she could be. He imagined them going home to insist until she accepted. At least Kotoko realized it was a request to which he was not convinced to participate, although her almond eyes seemed very hesitant, looking at him and them alternatively.

He suspected those would not get tired. In addition, if they continued to harass her, they could cause a worse that accident, or torment her at all times and, true to the possible facts, they would ruin her chances to study for the most important exam she had… so his months of work would be useless.

"Please, teach us, Irie-sama!" They pleaded in one voice. She cowered looking at him with terror.

Naoki made a slight sound of annoyance with his mouth, it was no a reason to be afraid of him; he was only demanding, not the tyrant who made him believe with that look. It was unpleasant.

"All right, let's go," he said before regretting it, picking up both briefcases sidewalk.

"What!" Kotoko exclaimed, accepting hers.

"The faster we get home, the sooner they leave," he said, slightly decreasing his pace seeing her limping.

"Did Y'all hear, guys?! Irie-san accepted!" Shouted one of her friends, he did not care which one, mainly because they were participating in this nonsense.

"I'll stay behind to wait for the next train with some of them, because now the subway is very full," said the other friend.

Naoki glanced at the slumped shoulders of Kotoko; he did not know if that was for losing "quality time" with him, or because she was feeling guilty.

She better didn't think he was content with that agreement; he simply did it so he didn't waste his month's work with her. And, because he felt that they would insist him too, not just her.

He gave a deep sigh. He sensed that he would have four unfortunate days.

[...]

After resolving the mathematical equations in the small board that his mother had provided from somewhere, Naoki closed his eyes and rotated his head to ease the pressure he felt on his shoulders. He was giving time to F students to copy the exercises done by him and then he would proceed to explain them.

He felt grateful that Ikezawa not among those students, he was not so comfortable with the idea of listening to him there, after the last time he was at his home and the constant disturbing in his relationship with Kotoko. Ikezawa Kinnosuke, at the time, was a persona non grata*.

They simply could not ask Naoki to teach him after his recent visit, which caused him a tumult of unpleasant thoughts in his head. Also, after a visit that led to a word that, said by his mother, kept in his consciousness, bugging his sleep, or the times when he was not reading.

The constant reading served him not to be thinking about his own life, or in its situations, giving him the best distraction to the different realities.

On second thought, deal with Class F served him to keep his head on other issues. Although, the enthusiasm and effort that all of them showed caused him a feeling that he did not want in his chest or in his mind. It had been around since the first day.

He opened his eyes again, seeing that the students were still writing down; askance, he noticed Kotoko pointing something in a brown-haired girl's notebook, who smiled to his girlfriend, before nodding and keeping writing. Kotoko had been assisting those two days that he had been teaching her classmates, often offering him water because "he had to talk a lot."

She cared deeply for his needs, and she had more interest in that than in helping others, something engraved in her sparkling personality.

It was praiseworthy.

Some figures moved at the entrance to the room and he saw his parents under the doorjamb, smiling; although, the one that caught his attention the most was the proud expression that his mother wore on her face, that rarely she shown for him.

"Are you ready?" he asked, pushing the strange feeling caused by the gaze of his mother.

"Yes, great Irie-sensei!" exclaimed his "students"… all with dreams put in reaching the university and the multiple purposes of their lives.

He sighed and met Kotoko's smile before putting his attention on the equations and the explanations of how they were resolved.

[...]

After entering the darkened room, Naoki walked with slow steps to the window, where the false brightness of the moon shone dimly through the curtains, one of which he opened. He checked that the light did not bother Yuuki, who slept peacefully in a deep sleep, making him feel envious.

He leaned against the wall that was part of the window and saw the outside, without actually doing so; the focus of his pupils was the glass, clouding the world outside his sight. He was looking without seeing.

He already spent three days teaching F students. Days in which they were treating him almost like a god, the greatest genius and the best teacher of all, the kindest and most selfless person in the universe… A person that taught the poor students that wanted to graduate from high school to fulfill their dreams, which they thought they could do so thanks to him, who didn't ask anything in return.

Mistakenly, Kotoko's classmates were giving a different perspective, something more valuable than what he was giving them. Perhaps that was true, that sometimes you gave more than what you received, and in his opinion, they were doing it with him (giving him more). Although he'd not admit it, and they thought it was the other way.

For everyone was the same, even though he knew it was the opposite. No one could get an idea of what was going through his head, which he was surprised to think about it sometimes.

All the F treated him like the best, and, while they frustrated him, he felt surprised by their ability to try to continue. That should be what Koujiro was trying to say about mixing with different students; perhaps before it was impossible for him to see.

He sighed and the window subtly fogged.

They acted as if he was best, as he would have expected it… a year ago.

Although it would've been annoying for him, he would have thought of it as "good" back then… but now, he knew that it wasn't, and all of them were wrong to consider him the best. Except for his mother, who put truth before his eyes—though they stung sometimes—, others were wrong. Nevertheless, his mother knew a little more of him than others and he realized it by the way she insinuated things, that he mostly ignored for his own convenience and mental well-being… but often she was right.

With what she said and what was happening to him, with what he was living in that year, with the number of changes, with the differences and similarities that found in others… With watching, listening…, and analyzing, and reflecting, he had reached bitter and emphatic conclusions.

If others knew that, he was not what everyone believed and that even sometimes he believed too much.

He was not the best.

He did not have a life path; he did not know what to do. He was a genius and being so smart was a burden, everybody expected something from him.

How to say he had no idea what to do with his life? How to say he could not find a goal? That he did not know how was having dreams? That he did not understand or share the enthusiasm of others for the future?

How could he say that he did not even know if he was able to live in the future following the same facade, lying to himself, deceiving, walking with his head held high, in an arrogant and condescending attitude, when he had no idea who he was and what he wanted with his life?

How, when he felt like… like a failure…

He clenched his hands.

He was no more than a farce of someone successful, wearing a curse of being so smart and not connect with others by how different they were to him, who could do many things, but not really enjoying life… That the successes others saw in him, were attempts to feel and experience the reality, to obtain a joy and live like others; it was his attempt to be another human being, with the opportunity to fail and not only win, something he achieved easily with his abilities.

How to express that he had been losing interest and just kept walking in a world where everything was repetitive and tiring, frustrating… a world in which the answers were easily given to him?

Although only recently it was not completely that way… it began to change because of Kotoko.

Every time he thought of her came with a strange feeling, not of indifference; and thinking of her caused him more torment in his displeasure.

However, despite her, not finding what to do with his life, when many do easily, made it difficult to stop the feeling that he was a joke that got nothing. That, although he did well in anything, in the most important and interesting thing for him, what he would do, he couldn't triumph. Instead, he felt amid a maze, with thousands of ways to reach the exit. He was lost.

He felt his eyes water. He lowered his eyelids and covered his face with his palms, feeling painfully ridiculous, and frustrated, tired.

Tired of being him.

Weighed down of reflecting and coming to nothing.

Why was it so hard, why his ability did not allow him a way out?

He swallowed.

He separated from the window and laid down on the bed, eyes closed, pretending to "forget" that moment of weakness and invade his mind with the way of acting that he should show. A façade that he showed to others and that led him to believe it himself.

…because these uncertain times, he only witnessed them, and him alone, although in the back of his head unconsciously he took them as a burden, and a reminder to not be seen by others as weak. A person hid by the Naoki Irie, who many admired and envied, but did not know actually.

Because that was the way he walked every day, hiding his real self, for many more reasons than he just had named to himself.

And that Naoki was someone no one would know.

[...]

On Friday night, after the departure of F students, Naoki went to the back terrace of the house and sat on a chair beside the table out there, shaking his head to relieve tension contained on his shoulders after those tiring days.

In the sessions, despite everything, the F students had surprised him for their ability to catch some things in short time.

It did not matter, he had given them the knowledge, and it was up to them whether they passed or not. The results would be released the Monday of the first week of December.

He enjoyed the silence, the rest of his family had gone to Shigeo-san's restaurant and he was alone with Kotoko, who was unusually quiet.

"Thank you for helping my classmates, they appreciate it a lot." She spoke gently, going out at that time, and gave him a cup of hot tea, to which he nodded. "And you have given them hope, Naoki-kun. I still think you could be a great teacher."

"No thanks." He felt her hands trying to give a very rude "massage", so he grabbed her wrist, inviting her to sit in the chair beside him. "Dealing with a lot of silly people takes away my desire," he said half-jokingly, half telling the truth.

Kotoko laughed softly. "This is my fault."

"No," he replied. Without pause, he added, "I'm surprised in their interest in studying college, when they have insufficient skills."

"Well, but they put a lot of effort."

Naoki exhaled deeply.

"Yes." And he had seen what it did.

"Soon we'll find your career," Kotoko whispered, placing a hand over his on the table, and he, at that time, did not reject the gesture.

In another moment, he would have doubted whether there was really anything made for him, but looking at her and the way her eyes glittered, he knew her persistence would not lessen until she found his career, and he felt slightly rubbed off her confidence. Also, he felt grateful to her and wished she didn't change, because, undoubtedly, he preferred her like that. Although sometimes she exasperated him, that characteristic was another part of the Kotoko that earned the liking of many.

Even his.

This time, much calmer, he thought of the word "jealousy," said by his mother, and, watching Kotoko, knowing how she was, he decided that she was right, and accepted the implications. Apparently, he was not as immune to some emotions, he was jealous.

How many times had he been?

Jealous.

Especially of Ikezawa, to whom Kotoko didn't look at; that guy had made him feel angry and frustrated by his interest and moves to her. Of course, the other had seen the value of his girlfriend, so Naoki was not surprised that Ikezawa felt attracted to her. It was obvious.

Yes, he was jealous, and it was a reality, even if he wanted to ignore it, deny it or justify it.

He surrendered to the facts, no longer fighting or getting angry about it. Her personality, her qualities, even her faults, that made her who she was, he valued. Because…

He liked Kotoko.

She was not the great woman who once he thought he would prefer, nor she stood out by her intelligence, but he liked her. And that's why it was difficult to treat her sometimes, because what he felt for her was different from his relationship with others; she caused him different feelings, until then unknown to his body, and he could not control completely how he acted because he didn't know their source, until now. He liked Kotoko; he did not know if it was a curse or a blessing, but he liked who she was and how she was, even if people considered crazy for thinking of it.

Well, in moments it was a "blessing", though some things riled him out at the beginning, later they made him think and feel different. Act differently.

He smiled to himself and put a hand on her neck, brushing her hair, pulling her face to him to give her a slow kiss, without any reason behind it. Actually, he did not mind having to kiss her, just not in public, even without a reason behind. Obviously, he would not always kiss her all times; it was not in his nature.

He wouldn't constantly kiss her; however, this time, carried away by his acceptance of liking her, he wanted to do it.

He took off his lips of Kotoko, whose eyes shined in the night, and she said, "Naoki-kun, I love you", before being her who gently pressed her lips on his.

He already knew it.

Nevertheless, for a moment, it hit him the profoundness that seemed to surround those words, but he liked to hear them.

And he felt satisfied.

*Unwelcomed person

AN: This is the midpart of the fic, after this chapter, time is going to pass quicker.

Just the first half took me a long time, I had a lot of work left. O.o

Love, Karo.