Chapter 29

The oppression of the unknown

When breakfast was over, Naoki spent some time lying in his bed, with his eyes closed, resting his body and mind after working for so long.

He didn't know if he actually dozed off, but his attention to reality came back when he heard his mother and Yuuki talking in the room, forcing him to open his eyes, wondering what were they doing there, since his brother had his own bedroom on the lower floor.

"Yuuki, come on, give Konomi-chan white chocolate for today, she gave you a friend's chocolate on Valentine's Day."

"That's her problem, Mom," replied his brother.

The conversation of both reminded him of the day. He had his candies for Kotoko in his drawer; he had bought those he saw that she ate repeatedly.

He leaned against the palm of his right hand, his elbow on the pillow.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

They gave their attention to him after a small shock.

"Yuuki thought he could hide here, but Mom is not tricked," their mother said with a proud smile on her face, pointing in their direction.

His brother was a rookie, he thought funny. Yet he ignored that of her not being tricked, at least in his case; sometimes he could be one-step ahead of his mother, who surely didn't expect some things from him.

"I just want him to accept Konomi-chan as a friend, oniichan," explained his mother, raising a tablet of white chocolate wrapped in clear plastic, accompanied by a pink bow. "Konomi-chan gave him chocolate on Valentine; she wants to be your friend."

"She'll be when she stops being so silly," said his brother, crossing his arms. "She's the worst in the class. The only thing she can do is knit."

"But she is very sweet; I bet that, if you accept her as a friend, she'll give you something made by her, as she does with the people important to her."

"Who wants something made by her?" Yuuki snapped, leaving the room with a scowling face.

"You should leave him," he reccomended with a sigh, sitting on the bed. "If he wants to be her friend, he'll do it in his own time", he commented, thinking that thanks to her insistence with Yuuki, he wouldn't admit that he cared for his classmate and wanted to be her friend. Once, he had seen him curious and smiling looking at the knitted flower in the living room.

With her mother's meddling, it was quite possible that Yuuki refused to approach the girl voluntarily, at least in the two years they had left at the school. Perhaps he would decide to do it too late.

"Oh, but if I don't give him a push Konomi-chan illusions will break, and I don't want to see such a sweet person hurt because of my child."

"And what about Yuuki's opinion?"

"I know where his interest is, oniichan, I'm just trying to give him a push."

He raised his eyebrows, half-surprised, half-ironic.

"Doesn't that pushes him to the other direction?" he asked, intrigued.

"Maybe, but that makes him have her present in his head and think about his feelings. And eventually it'll come out into the open, with or without my meddling, oniichan. In addition, insisting is my way to understand what he feels," she mused aloud, and he shrugged, without understanding.

Perhaps she just tried to justify her acts. Often, her behavior, beyond irritating and amazing, was incomprehensible, although it seemed obvious.

"What did you buy for Kotoko?" she asked in a singsong tone.

He would not inquire how she knew he had bought something for his girlfriend for White Day.

"I'll be behind you until I know, oniichan," threatened his mother, pointing at him.

He sighed. "It's not relevant," he replied, dryly.

She sat on the bed, settling with her arms crossed and arching the corner of her mouth in a smile that hit a nerve.

He put a hand in his forehead, shaking his head, and then walked to the dresser to get his book and read for a while.

However, she remained there, all the time he was engrossed in his Pharmacology's reading.

"Lunch is more than ready and I could order dinner in delivery. I have all day."

"And Yuuki?" he asked loudly, cursing himself for having cut her persecution of his brother.

"I know he will be in the living room, drawing the flower that I have there… until he dares to show it to his future friend."

He gritted his teeth so he didn't open his mouth, and eyes, from the shock… Was there anything beyond her control? He started to believe it was true that of not being tricked.

"You really don't know what did I buy?" He asked, narrowing his eyes.

She refused, raising her hand in oath.

Was she going to say she had her limits? He should fear that she had cameras following him all the time, because he was one hundred percent sure that in this house she had no surveillance system.

"Candy," he said after a long sigh, because he feared she would not surrender and would follow him even when he gave them to Kotoko; that was worse than having to admit to her that he bought something following the tastes of his girlfriend.

His mother opened her eyes and put a hand to her chin.

"Are you sure?" she whispered, leaning back to him with her elbows on her knees.

He raised an eyebrow, he knew perfectly the meaning the candies had for that day; "I like you"; it was in the public domain.

She shrugged and nodded, standing. "Kotoko-chan is in the library," she said before leaving his bedroom, humming to herself.

He sighed; he knew that Kotoko would be practicing her sign language.

He took out the small bag with candies from the drawer and headed for the door; then, he walked the space that separated his room from the other, in front of his.

Naoki went in without knocking; inside, he saw Kotoko, standing in the middle of the room, eyes closed, practicing the members of the family, unaware she had company.

He walked to her and placed the bag of candies on the table, holding in his hands her thin and soft fingers, correcting her signal of grandfather.

She froze and opened her eyes. Then she smiled slightly, nodding in appreciation.

"Continue," he instructed, sitting in front of her to have the level to correct her.

Kotoko looked at him with her head bowed and nodded when he repeated his words. However, her eyes caught the bag on the desk.

"Are they for me?" she asked pointing with her left hand, jingling the bracelet on her wrist, which had new small trinkets due to his mother.

He nodded and she watched for a moment the clear cellophane bag to open it seconds later and take a cherry candy.

"Thanks," she said before starting the repetition of the language, in the order of the testing.

Naoki made the modifications she needed, practicing with her. They were interrupted only by lunch, after which they retired to continue.

He knew his mother had learned quickly the signs and helped Kotoko, but she lacked the demand that he put, thanks to which her personal effort increased.

In general, she seemed to be doing well, although he did not understand fully how she failed assessment, watching her performance.

She must have been very distracted or nervous back then.

"You'll do it well," he said aloud, pausing as she took one of the candy from the bag.

"Naoki-kun, do you like me?" She asked suddenly focusing her large orbs on him, doubt on her face.

'Do you like me?' Naoki repeated in his mind.

"What kind of question is that?" he muttered, uncomfortable of having to talk about it. It should be very clear then, because he accepted her around him and was comfortable with her company, without changing her.

Naoki sighed when he saw her wince, for some reason.

He looked away, feeling his face grew a little temperature.

"I like you," he let her know, expressing it aloud for the first time.

"What do you like about me?" she demanded in a low tone. He tensed, mostly because she wanted him to say it in words, not because he had nothing to say.

"Is this an interrogation?" He spluttered, his eyes staring at her.

She denied and made a tiny smile, repositioning a hair behind her ear.

A few minutes passed in silence, in which he watched her enjoying her candy, making different faces with the flavors that came to her palate, which could entertain him perfectly. He was okay with it.

But when she accentuated her lips with her eyes closed, by the acidity of the candy in her mouth, he smirked before leaning down and placing a kiss, silencing her soft gasp of surprise when he catch her lips. He turned away for a second and kissed the corner of her mouth, cocking his head to kiss her properly, imprisoning her lips and sucking them with dedication. He savored a sweet trail that he could only accept coming from her, giving her a kiss after months without doing so. He missed it.

He was eager to take her in his arms and captured her mouth, as someone who had a long time without something he desired, exactly like he felt… He just wanted to remember the feel of her in his, taking pleasure from her and the lips he discovered he liked a long ago, which he realized was unable to put them aside for another period.

He was at home, where others could come, but the need to kiss her, seeing her protruding lips, made him fall into that temptation… one he would not have believed before.

Breathing hard, he separated his mouth from her and placed light kisses on her jaw, moving his lips to her neck and his hands in her small back, the right from her waist to her head. He outlined her spine with the tip of his index, being satisfied with her shudder, an imitation of the chill in his body when she slid her fingers on his discovered neck.

He inhaled and exhaled sharply, placing his chin on her head; she trembled beneath him. He squeezed her eyes, breathing deeply to calm his senses and not go back to her mouth; doing so would take his body into a different dimension, where his tension would increase and encourage him to ease his frustration.

Kotoko moved away from him and he opened his eyes to see her moving her notebook and her book, collecting the candy bag.

"Naoki-kun," she whispered, without seeing him. "I love you."

He nodded without her looking at him. "I know."

"Do you love me?"

His body froze, with no idea what to say. She had never asked for it and it took him by surprise. He didn't have a favorable response. He liked her a lot, but… she was asking him for something that he had no answer. He… didn't even…

She smiled at him in a different way and, in silence, all he heard was the sound of the door closing.

He sat there, stunned.

[…]

After dinner, Naoki stayed a few minutes alone in the kitchen, thinking about what happened with Kotoko. He did like her, and maybe a lot, but he doubted that in the way she wanted. He didn't even think he could be in love.

He didn't show an emotion so intense and compelling like that. Her question caused him conflict because she hoped that, for the first time, he answered her, and he really couldn't lie saying that he loved her; it would be very cruel of him, almost as if he wanted to manipulate her that way, to make her be as he wanted, which was…

He put a hand to his hair, bringing to the present—in his conscience—his past purpose… his plan when they became a couple, almost two years ago. Since when hadn't he repeated it as motivation for his actions and his relationship with her?

When he started to like her? Or when he started to know Kotoko and paid real interest in her, after he saw what she did for him?

And it couldn't be any other way, because, how would he forget it with his memory?

He felt the signs of migraine and stood to go to his room. Along the way, he tried to calm the discomfort in his temples, rubbing his fingers to relieve his head.

He stopped for a moment in front of Kotoko's door and raised his fist to knock, but his hand stopped before doing so, without understanding why his body led him to do that, if he had nothing to say. He doubted he had the right words to justify seeing her, because it was clear for him that she would not wish to see him at the moment—he was also sure that, for now, it was the best.

He slowly opened his fingers and lowered his arm, turning to continue his way to his bedroom, where he laid and looked at the cream-colored ceiling, hoping that the conflicting feelings inside would settle down.

[…]

Naoki went out early on Sunday, after a day worse than stormy, with thousands of thoughts in his head. Kotoko's words kept repeating on his mind, and also, she didn't pay him attention the scarce times he saw her in the late afternoon.

She avoided his eyes, which he found difficult to accept, but he understood why she did, even if it caused irritation and frustration. He was confused too, because he shouldn't consider it, and he was doing it.

He put his hands in his pockets, watching the bare trees that in a couple of weeks would begin to bloom, even if they had leaves after the fall in autumn. Stations began to fade slowly and the beginning of spring seemed to be more advanced than before.

He breathed the morning air and laid his eyes on the ground to not crash into anyone, but also to not watch the dawn rising. He could not watch it now and he didn't know why.

"Irie demon."

Naoki tensed listening to Ikezawa. He looked up to find him in front of him, carrying some vegetables, probably to the restaurant. The cook had the stony face.

He sighed.

"I don't have time for you," he said, deadpan.

"When I started to doubt about you…," mumbled the other, wrinkling his nose.

He frowned, fixing his eyes on Ikezawa's face.

"What do you mean?" he snapped. The only thing he could be talking about was his girlfriend.

Ikezawa blinked and his face turned red. "You showed me that I wasn't wrong about you. Now I'll really fight for Kotoko."

"Stop…"

"I know it was very ridiculous to follow her constantly," Ikezawa interrupted, "but it was worth to realize things and to show that you don't deserve her…"

"Shut up," he cut gritting his teeth, stepping to threaten Ikezawa; he could end up beating him, for opening his mouth and saying those words, stupid and unnecessary, but possible.

"Now I'll really fight for Kotoko, I'll take the opportunity that I have now to make her happy."

"What are you talking about?" Had Kotoko spoken to him the day before? Had she relied on Ikezawa revealing issues that concerned both? Was it a sign that his relationship with her, as he said, was in danger?

"Stupid genius," Ikezawa said, walking away.

Naoki stared at him and walked aimlessly, amid a torrent of words hovering over him.

Along with the real threat of losing her.

[…]

Naoki pushed the front door of his home without strength and went in, almost dragging his feet after hours of walking.

He changed his shoes and thought about going for a drink.

"Oh, Nao," his father came out of the kitchen, "Mom could not reach you and left with Yuuki this morning to the Isshiki house."

He stopped with the words of his father, following him to the studio, where he was going.

His father sat behind the desk and picked up the book there, depositing the glass of water in one corner.

As if responding to his concerns, he had met with him just coming back home.

"Just mom and Yuuki?" he asked, advancing to occupy an empty seat at the desk. He knew the answer, but made the question; his father had an interesting relationship with his mother's family, as they were special with the couples of their members.

His father looked over the edge of his book, in which he marked the page to attend him

"Yes, Kotoko didn't go. I didn't either because on Friday I received an invitation for a meal with Oizumi-san, for today." He raised an eyebrow in response. "Mr. Sato will accompany me; I will met the man and talk."

"Otōsan," he said gravely.

"No." His father raised a hand, "I'm fine; Pandai is the work of my life and I don't want to stay here, I'll take it easy. Moreover, you won't keep taking care of Dad, when it should be the opposite. Nao, I know you care for me, but you must follow your dream," he said excitedly.

Naoki cleared his throat.

"About that," he licked his lower lip uneasily, "Dad… aren't you upset?"

His father frowned, leaning his elbows on the table.

"Why?"

"I realized that… I did not wait for your approval of the condition to enroll to study medicine."

He only made presented her and took it as if he had gained full acceptance.

"I had no consideration had your desires…"

"Naoki…" whispered his father.

"And…" He swallowed, preparing himself for the words of disappointment from his father; but he could not handle the load of lying to him, because that was what he did. "I confess that Kotoko and I talked for the first time the day after our conversation," he said honestly, looking away.

"You made her your girlfriend the next day?" Hearing it from another person sounded very bad, especially when he did not say his thoughts about it, maybe the same as his.

"Yes," he admitted, biting the inside of his cheek.

"I already knew it," his father declared.

He opened his eyes wide, looking back at his father.

"What?" he whispered, feeling strange.

"I let it go because I liked her… and because mom told me that, although I noticed it too, the way you looked at her changed and that your choice, driven by me, had been good."

"How did you?"

"Mom and her game of spies," explained his father, laughing softly. "And you studying medicine, the condition, well, it wasn't my intention to pressure you, I just wanted to see how your answered… because until then you showed no interest in anything else… and," he cleared his throat, wiping his glasses in his gesture of discomfort, "I kept hoping that it made you take back your intentions and decide on Pandai." His father sighed. "But I needed to understand that you deserve the opportunity to go for your own dream and fight for it, rather than impose my own, with my desires, and let you find your passion."

Naoki blinked in disbelief, watching his father, who rose from his place.

"I'll get ready. Mom left a cooked meal for dinner." Naoki stared at him until he stopped the door. "And Nao, thank you for what you've done, but you have to live your life."

With that, his father left the studio.

He sprawled out in his chair and leaned his head back, staring at the ceiling.

He wouldn't have believed that his father knew the whole truth from the beginning, nor that his mother had that knowledge. Both hid it so well, looking through his behavior of perfidious intentions… intentions he wanted to convince himself were worth and, above all, he believed acceptable.

'His great plan': have a girlfriend for selfish purposes; expect to manipulate someone else's life when it bothered him in his case… Not considerate Kotoko's feelings in the situation, because she cared for him then and she loved him now, and he only began his relationship thinking that she would be easy to manipulate at his will, to fulfill a condition…

Now all of it seemed so stupid and mean of him to think. What kind of person was he?

He thought and acted as if he were an omnipotent God, to whom others could be beings that do and undo at his will, not hearing their opinions. From his perspective back then, it seemed so right, but today… he felt ashamed of himself.

How could he have thought that he could control someone else? Someone that just had shown him her unconditional loyalty and constant and several samples of his importance to her… while he had dark motives and behaved like someone abominable, justifying his actions with an idiocy.

It was so foolish to make Kotoko his girlfriend the way he did, with the intentions he had…

And now she was someone very important to him, to the point he didn't want to drive her away for a moment in which he was speechless and didn't know how to act, taken by surprise. A moment in which he gave little thought to her feelings with his lack of response, not of words but of deeds.

She loved him, and for some time; his lack of response might have made her feel terribly wrong; she should be in a state of suffering, nearly two years together and he didn't show an iota of consideration for what she had said.

His hand went to his mouth, suddenly dry.

Kotoko shouldn't find out the cause of their relationship. Never. It would be devastating for her, it'd destroy her; this time, he was certain (and the past words of his mother would be true). Something like that should not happen; he did not want to damage her, more than he might have already done in their relationship.

He didn't know what was going on inside him, but his father had said that the way he looked at her had changed—an external thing—; so it could be that he loved her but didn't realize it.

The first thing he had to do was to solve their last conversation and remain with her. Although he'd not tell her he loved her, because he wasn't sure, but he should make her understand that she was important for him.

He left the studio to the silent house and walked at a rapid pace, almost running in the stairs, until he reach the front of her room, to which he called.

"Kotoko," he said, tapping the wood with his knuckles. 'I want to talk to you'. "Kotoko!" he repeated. His heart leaped in his chest and his breathing was in an abnormal rhythm. "Open!"

He did not hear noise on the other side, but his energy was stronger and made him open, to find an empty place.

He cursed himself, snorting out. He went to the library, also empty.

She should not be at home. Where could she be?

Would she be in his father's restaurant? With her friends? With Ikezawa?

He clenched his hands into fists. He could not be jealous now, even with the other's words; Ikezawa had nothing with Kotoko, who, thanks to luck, still had him fondness. He should appreciate that, vowing not to jeopardize what they both had… it could be kept if he heeded instinct and not his head, because it was the first that had done well in their relationship.

He left the library and found his bedroom door ajar. He got upset because his mother or his brother, in an effort to find him, left it opened.

He exhaled, entering his room, thinking where could he find…?

"Kotoko," he said with relief, finding her sitting on the edge of his bed. She had her head down and wiggled her toes, covered in pink socks.

She looked up and then moved her gaze toward the window.

"I was looking for you," he said, approaching her at a slow pace, suddenly unable to speak. He had nothing prepared; he had only decided to see her… because… he wanted to… he needed to erase her saddened eyes.

And ask forgiveness, for being incapable of considering her and for his stupid plan.

(The great plan should have never happen in first place, but he didn't regret it because it lead him to interact with her, when otherwise he'd have rejected the true contact between them until it was too late—in the meantime he'd have committed numerous errors, especially with the idea that relationships didn't deserve attention.)

He'd ask forgiveness for not having an answer to his feelings. For his mistakes.

Because he owed it to her.

He licked his lips and stood in front of her, his eyes meeting her delicate profile.

He swallowed and opened his mouth without letting out a sound. It was difficult to mutter two words that could mean a lot.

"I'm sorry," he pronounced for the first time, saying it sincerely, hoping his voice was able to express the true remorse he felt, even if he could not say the reasons, present in his head.

Kotoko turned her face to him, her eyes wide.

AN: This chapter was difficult, please, tell me if this is understandable. Mostly Naoki's thoughts.