AN: Not explicit, but there's a sexual part from the beginning to "Naoki-kun".

Chapter 30

A part of the soul

"Nao…"

Naoki put his face close to Kotoko and kissed her, silencing her, with the desire to convey her importance to him and the hidden meaning of the 'I'm sorry'. He was short of words; all that could come out of his mouth was that he was sorry. Sincerely.

She placed her hands on his shoulders and clung to him, cocking her face in an angle that allowed him to kiss her more deeply; he devoured her lips before claiming the inside of her mouth, tingling his skin and making him squeeze her waist.

The blood in his veins felt warm from the sensations she caused him and the immensity of something behind their actions.

He broke away for air and saw her lips swollen from his kisses. She breathed as excited as he did. He sat on the bed and took her in his arms to have comfort, putting her very close to his body and kissing her as he hadn't done previously; he was allowing himself to be carried away completely, to give her a part of him so that she knew she was important to him.

His hands slid through Kotoko's body and one of them slipped under her pajama blouse, burning at the contact with her warm skin, while she brought her fingers to his face and hair, leaving a series of tingles with the touch of her fingertips.

His body tensed of excitement and he put his mouth on the corner of her lips, delighted to hear a groan from her body.

Kotoko tasted like peach; her face had a slight smell of that fruit, with the combination of flowers and her natural scent, which caused a wave of sensations in him.

He began leaving a trail of kisses on her neck, finding in his way a lock of her silken hair; he moved it aside with one finger, opening his eyes.

That way he noticed time and place. His bedroom was the least suited place to this exchange, although if it was his way, he'd sent decorum to hell and continued what his excited body wanted.

Hating himself, he placed his hands over hers in his hair, to separate her. He heard the sound of his own breathing in the bedroom, blended with continuous gulps air from her.

"No," protested his girlfriend, shaking her head. Her eyes widened and showed her cloudy orbs.

"Kotoko," he muttered in a hoarse and uncomfortable voice, holding her chin with his fingers. "We are in…"

"I know," she cut, reducing the distance between them, making it difficult to fight the temptation she presented to him. He desired her, he had been feeling it for some time, but he would not encourage her to go farther, just because he wanted it.

"Koto…"

"No," she complained, releasing her wrists and wrapping her arms around his neck, clinging to him with her chest expanding and contracting erratically. "Or you don't…?"

"Don't you dare to finish that sentence," he broke her whisper, his voices still hoarse. She must have been unaware that beneath her body it was clear what she caused.

"Then… why?" she replied, complicating the situation.

"The moment is not…" Kotoko kissed him for a second and fixed her gaze on his eyes. He saw her expression seemed determined and he swore to himself, venturing to her mouth, deciding he could let his desires dominate this time and respond to the demand that she made.

If she wanted it as much as him.

On that occasion, his lips were less demanding or frenzied, devoting himself to kiss her carefully, marking a rhythm with her, who sighed repeatedly with her hands going under his wool coat and shirt. She groped for his abdomen shakily, stroking and tickling. Waves of heat were sent with her touch, causing him to hiss at her shoulder, where he put his tongue, making her shiver.

With slow movements, he moved up her upper garment, making appear her stomach, in which he outlined the tiny scar from her operation. Gradually, her lower chest came to view until his eyes met with her excited breast—without the barrier of the bra—, which he didn't touch until she had no blouse.

Salivating and breathing in agitation, he looked at her flushed face as his hands traced the outline of her breasts, reaching the rosy tips; he outlined them with his fingertips, feeling his shudders accompanied by the fire that burned in his hands. She was soft and warm, perfect for him.

Piercing her with his gaze, Naoki invited her to stand, and then their clothes started disappearing, losing modesty together and getting used to be in the shared nudity, something new for both.

His eyes stared at her whole avidly, covering every part of her with longing and worship, keeping in his mind every part of her, thanking his mind for it…, but it was only a second, because his gaze focused on her eyes, shining bright.

Some kind of nervousness took place within him and he took the hand of Kotoko, flushed, squeezing it between his own hand. He neared her to one side of the bed, where he ran the eiderdown to invite her to lie down, after that he kneeled next to his forgotten pants, pulling out the contraception in his wallet.

He went back to her—to the pleasant sight, she between his sheets—, and took his place on the bed, staring into her eyes before joining again their lips; hers responded to his touch. It was slow motion, as if all the time in the outside world belonged to them.

His hands ran in Kotoko's body and it wrapped him a sort of intoxication. It made him see that no dream did justice to reality and that he could memorize all the words in the dictionary, but could not find a way to describe that moment.

Naoki let his instinct guide him and kissed her with ardor, while a strange and new, but welcome sense of pleasure, filled him. It had no point of comparison.

He savored her and stroked her leisurely. Their breaths accelerated and groans of both filled his ears; he was wrapped in a torrent of sensations, caressing her fully with his palms, marking places with his fingertips until their bodies meet and lead to movements that overflowed him, in the midst of the running of his heart, crazy in his chest.

Leaning on his forearms, he moved his hips repeatedly, with his members sweaty and his forehead moistened in the contact with hers. Her eyes opened and closed with the rocking of his body and gasps escaped her swollen lips.

He etched each part of her rosy face on his memory and squeezed his eyes shut, pressing his lips on hers, still moving, increasing the speed he moved.

A burning filled every part of his body and shudders ran in the places where Kotoko slid her fingers and pressed her fingernails when they joined. His chest could burst from so much happening inside him, so strong that it consumed him.

Too fast and intense, the culmination came close and he made an attempt so she could meet it with him. He touched her intimately again, through clenched teeth, feeling that his whole body trembled continuously, sweating and beating, and that his eyes lost their sense of reality, immersed in the tension and the pleasure that subjugated him inside.

A wave of heat too deep hit him, and with a few hip movements, between palpitations, he let go, gasping; something that Kotoko mimicked moments after, still in the midst of a haze of ecstasy.

He made an effort to rest on his forearms remaining above he and with her, and contacted their foreheads, breathing agitated and with his heart dancing quickly.

She, also accelerated, looked at him with glazed eyes and parted lips, panting and swollen by his kisses.

It was the best picture to have fixed in his head.

He bent to kiss her with a simple touch.

"Naoki-kun," she sighed on his lips and he, noting that the time had stolen everything of him, depleting his strength, reluctantly broke away from her, leaving her inner warmth.

However, he wrapped his arms and clung her to his chest, inhaling and exhaling with large puffs of air.

He closed his eyes and increased the pressure of his grip with a possessiveness that prevented him from letting her go and separate.

He was done, he did not conceive anything but that, and Kotoko in his company. He had never felt so exultant, that neither he found the right way to define that. It was just the best thing had happened until then, completely unknown, but it was impossible to set aside. He would not have thought it was that way. It was so different, so new, and so unique.

Kotoko started breathing normally and he pressed a kiss against her ear, near her sweaty hair plastered to her head. He breathed her in and, besides her specific scent mingled with shampoo, he felt the air mixed with the combination of both and the outcome of their union.

Naoki sighed happily and felt her shudder.

She was his.

Nothing could be more satisfying to him than that and he was quite certain that he did not want it otherwise. And there was a way to secure it.

It did not surprise him; he felt certain that he craved it internally. Nothing but knowing her his. In his eyes and in the others.

He smiled thinking in all he wanted to do and spoke with soft words: "Marry me."

He was determined that he wanted her as a wife, not for the stupid purpose he had in the past, but because he couldn't imagine another woman as his wife. He wanted to have the opportunity to officially say that she was his and that she had his name, to end his days having her next to him and wake up in her company, to have the certainty thats he would be with him…

She stiffened in his arms, making him frown, wondering what happened.

Perhaps the surprise made her response that way?

He waited a few seconds for the idea to take place and made her turn around; her eyes were closed and he leaned toward her mouth.

Kotoko parted her lips.

"No," she said, in a way that sounded forceful, stopping his intentions.

His body paralyzed and, stunned, he felt her leave him; he put no resistance due to the disbelief that overwhelmed his head.

Kotoko had given him a negative response, he thought, giving clarity to the situation.

He sought to make eye contact when she opened her eyes, but she avoided him with an eye on his shoulder, tensed, as her body.

No.

"Ko…" The melody of his phone, from the flor, interrupted his words and made her separate, wrapping his dark blanket around her body.

"You've got to answer," Kotoko mumbled, not looking at him yet, increasing his dismay.

What had he done wrong? She did not want to marry him?

"No," he said. The mobile tone persisted, trying his patience, and he moved with the intention of turning it off, but she was faster and got out of bed, kneeling next to his pants. She took out the object and then throw it to his chest, surprising him; he was almost stunned by the blow, as if it had been a great projectile.

It took a few moments to leave that state and realize that she had taken advantage of his distraction and escaped the room with her clothes in hand and covering her nakedness. He still did not react completely after her refusal and her behavior when she gave him his phone.

…after she flew.

The bang of her coming into her room entered his head. He dropped the phone still ringing, ignoring it for a moment, went to the bathroom to get rid of the condom, and looked for something to cover himself so he could go for Kotoko.

This time he did not mind the respect and just opened the door, expecting to find her there.

He cursed at the sound of water running in the bathroom of the room and pressed both hands into fists, surely he would find the door locked.

He walked over to the bed to sit, and there he noticed something resting on it, which caught his attention.

It was her album, with her bracelet above.

Kotoko didn't have it before, he acknowledged, feeling something in his chest, like pain for breathing. She never took it off… she always wore it.

What did that mean? Everything that was happening?

He could not think clearly, he did not even have the strength to ask her why she had refused his proposal. Maybe she needed a ring or a declaration of love, but he could not give it to her, because he wasn't sure he loved her. Moreover, she did not deserve something like that; nor did he wanted to lie and be false about it, as he was at the start of their relationship.

Therefore, he left the room, silently, and went back to his bedroom. There he opened the window and let the cold air enter and cover the entire space, refreshing it.

He occupied his mind clean up, because in that way he could avoid the revolution of his mind and the stabbing pains in his chest, which eventually prevented him from moving.

Did she scared her with a sudden proposition? Was it too soon? Would she only accept it if he said he loved her? It was it too much for one day?

For him, it was. But he was sure he wanted to make her his wife.

Was she still hurt by the rejection (because it looked like that) of her love? Had it been different for her the moment they shared before?

Was it a mistake to have fallen silent when she asked if he loved her? What could he have said? Did sleeping together mean anything to Kotoko, for her it was just something else?

He flopped to the ground and rested his arms on his knees, hiding his face in them and letting the cold wind hit his bare chest and cool his body and thoughts, to give his mind the lucidity that he needed since Friday. However, now his thoughts showed as a huge storm, with thousands of thorns on his head, hammering, punching, and upsetting his reason.

And in his chest, in there he felt like a stone inside, which made his breathing labored.

What was that all about?

Determined to get an answer, he stood up, ignoring the good sense and closed the window, gathering his things for a quick shower before talking to Kotoko.

He did all that, in a sudden urge, not really aware of what would he say or what would he find… it was better not let it go and talk to her at once.

Wasn't he resolute before?

He took the fastest shower in his life, obliterating her smell in the steam, hating that he could not have her, as he wanted, in his arms, rather than with uncertainty blowing off his tranquility. Things would be fine for both, he could not be sure of loving her—though the suggestion of his father made him think what he already knew, she was very important to him—, but was determined to keep what they had, increasing the esteem he felt for her and weave a future together.

His unconscious had done that after a while he did not take into account their beginning… and that had to be for a reason, so he'd continue with it; his heart had won his brain.

Again, in less than an hour, he left his room with the intention of entering hers, and he entered without knocking, because he had no time for formalities.

Instantly, he stopped when he saw her lying in bed with her eyes closed. Her hair, wet, was scattered on the pillow, under which she had one of her hands.

As he moved to the side of the bed, he heard her even breathing and it served to calm the beating in his chest, wondering if he was seeing more, because she looked peacefully as she slept.

It wasn't normal for him to have that reaction, and probably the immensity of the moment they spent together affected him, by its novelty and the high intensity of feelings that stirred inside.

He sighed; maybe that was why he wasn't carried by strong emotions, because they drove him crazy and altered his controlled world; although he had been losing control since she entered his life. And he did not care.

He knelt beside her and looked at her face, placing a finger over her rosy cheek to move a ringlet of hair behind her ear.

Naoki gave a deep sigh. "What have you done to me?" he asked aloud, doubt in his voice.

He stood watching her for a long time without thinking, his hand remained on her cheek.

He sighed again.

Standing up, he gave one last look before leaving the bedroom, taking the abandoned blanket by the door.

[…]

Naoki was tossing and turning at night, despite having slept, and he knew it, not only for the state of the sheets—never in that mess—, but because his body did not feel really rested and relaxed when he opened his eyes at sunrise.

Kotoko had not come down to dinner, and when he went to bed, he confirmed that she was in the same position as before, asleep, with no signs of wanting to wake up at night. Nor did she awoke in the next few hours, another reason for his lack of rest, since his body was alert to the sounds outside the room, to her.

She didn't come out, but he stayed in bed, waiting for a sign that showed him that he could see her and approach her, to solve his doubt and calm his body, fixing his mind.

He was restless and indecisive, so out of his senses that nothing served to go back to normal. It was incomprehensible the displays he had, he felt pathetic for being considered a genius and, yet, not have the answer and peace of mind.

But he knew long before that his emotional intelligence wasn't like his intelligence quotient. He wasn't as privileged with his emotions.

He sighed and got up from the bed, which he made slowly, before moving like a robot, not understanding why he thought he was in another body, not his, when it was ridiculous.

He looked in the mirror and saw nothing different about him. His orbs were the same as always, brown-violet, not revealing anything unless he wished so; he only saw light puffy bags under his eyes, but there was nothing different. His mouth was as expressionless, without high sides or difference in how thin his lips curve. He needed probably a haircut, because strands covered his ears, but there was nothing else.

So, why that strange feeling of being someone else?

Blinking for a second, he looked down to the comb he held and then readjusted his hair to remove the ravages of the night.

Once ready, he decided to go downstairs and prepare some breakfast, beginning the day.

He left his room and only glanced briefly at Kotoko's door, aware that dawn was the worst time to break into her private area, especially when Shigeo-san slept close… For now, he hoped to avoid his gaze, because he knew he had crossed a line, but he did not repent.

He had also told his father-in-law that his relationship with his daughter was serious, even if then he did with his plan in mind; now he was sure that he wanted a life with her, without the expectations of his father, but true to himself.

He slowly descended to the main floor and frowned halfway to the kitchen, feeling the smell of coffee in his nostrils.

Was any of the current occupants of the house awake?

His mother, who was calling him, told him they would return until Sunday, so it was strange that someone else, at that time, was active.

He shrugged and went to the kitchen, surprised to find Kotoko there with a cup of coffee in her hands.

She looked at him over the edge, cheeks flushed, and he felt his warmed a little, as he approached at a slow pace.

"Good… morning," Kotoko spoke first, looking down.

"Good morning," he greeted with more confidence than she did, although his chest expressed the opposite.

Now that he was in front of her, alone, he could not address the issue he wanted, even if his mind demanded it.

"Since when are you awake?" he asked, opting for a neutral topic, to start, as she washed her cup.

She shrugged, finishing her task. "I woke up at midnight… I've been practicing," she hesitated to speak.

"Do you wish help?" He wanted to know, watching her face, but she looked away.

"I don't think it's the best."

He frowned. "Why?"

"I have to do it myself."

"You're the one who'll answer the test", he argued.

She laughed. "I must start getting used to it," she said sourly.

"What are you talking about?" He took a step toward Kotoko, who took two back, still not looking at him. He forced her to raise her head, his hand on her chin, but she closed her eyes at his touch, preventing he saw the windows of her soul.

"We're moving out," she snapped and he dropped his hand, surprised.

"What?" he whispered in a low voice.

Were they going to move? Why? For what reason?

He saw her swallow with tight eyes. "Dad believes that, after the problems of Pandai, he needs to lighten the burden of oji-san. And you have to spend time as a family."

If Shigeo-san also took part for remodeling, he thought, fighting the idea.

"There's no need, things are better," he replied, seriously. Is that why she rejected his proposal?

Should not it be otherwise?, but did not quite understand how her head worked; lately, she was not so transparent.

He cleared his throat. "And… you are our family."

Kotoko put her eyes at one point to his right, after opening them. "I won't be against him," she said, resolutely.

He was surprised, opening his eyes more, saying nothing.

"That's the plan of my father, and… there are some decisions that seem to be adequate, although they cause suffering, but maybe things happen for a reason." She coughed. "Now I don't know what I'm saying."

"Kotoko…"

She surrounded him and walked out of the kitchen, crestfallen, triggering alarms in his head and raising his heartbeat, which could not remain calm in recent times, against his health.

He grabbed her wrist, catching her up in the dining room. "Is that why you've said no to my request?"

She snorted. "Were you really asking?" she replied, in a strange way from her, making him squeeze her wrist.

Confused, he denied without seeing her. In recent days, he walking in circles with Kotoko, and it frustrated him, especially because he felt the distance between them was strong.

"What did you reject me?"

"I didn't have the right to refuse?" Kotoko replied without looking at him, and he got irritated, grabbing her shoulders, but she stirred, wanting him to let go.

His arms pressed her shoulders and his hands her head, forcing her to look at him.

Something was wrong; her eyes seemed angry and that was not how they usually looked.

"What is happening with you?" he asked, in a whisper.

"You, that demanded more without asking me and…" She closed her mouth, breathing deeply. "I have to keep practicing."

"You'll tell why, and what do you mean," he demanded in a deep voice, annoyed that she went in circles, that he didn't understand, and that everything was a mess.

"Let me…" she whispered, in a way that seemed a plea, but he did not budge. "I need to concentrate on my test. I have to do well."

"Why did you say no?" he insisted, just with it.

Kotoko closed her eyes. "I do it for me," she whispered, swallowing. "Because I don't…" She made a long pause. "I cannot… now… no…"

"Kotoko…"

A sigh escaped her lips. "Please…"

He wondered for a second if he was being too pushy with her, asking her a lot when she must be worried about something else.

"No…" he said softly.

"I don't even know your feelings for me," she whispered, pulling away with a sudden movement. "And this way I can not be with you any longer." He opened his eyes wide, feeling the hit directly into the stomach. "I need to concentrate," she remarked at the end, going away, and leaving him hanging.

Paralyzed.

He was going to lose her.