Chapter 31

When reality is deeper

Naoki sat at the dining table and messed his hair, unable to stop repeating the Kotoko's words, engraved on his head just by hearing them once… though he would remember them without his good memory.

Kotoko could no longer be with him without knowing his feelings for her; she would take distance from him for an error that he could correct, being honest, completely honest, with what he felt for her. But what was it exactly?

Of course he cared for her, she was one of the people who had more value in his personal circle, and, although at the beginning she seemed a nuisance and he didn't notice her a lot, gradually he changed his opinion, thinking highly of her, once he knew her and saw that she was a different person than he thought. Or, actually, she earned a space in his life on her own, getting into it with her personality, using her determination to face the obstacles in her way, achieving what many couldn't, as they didn't have her obstinacy, nor the great optimism for the things that she showed in the little things she did.

"Up early on vacations?" His father's voice pulled him from his musings and he looked at him coming into the room, adjusting his shirt and putting the jacket on a chair.

Naoki nodded, frowning.

"Will you go to Pandai?" he asked, stupidly, because his clothes assured him he would. "Dad…"

"Don't scold me, Nao," cut his father, smiling. "I'm the first worried about me, you know? I don't need the future doctor to give me orders and ask for rest."

"The physician…"

"Yesterday I went to him after my lunch with Oizumi and he gave me his recommendations. I won't do anything to jeopardize my health. I don't want to go back for the care of the hospital nurses, especially when they keep asking me for my son," said his father, shuddering. "If they knew that in a few years you could work with them."

He made a hint of a smile.

"Is something wrong?" Asked his father raising an eyebrow. "I'll be fine."

He denied, standing up. "I'll go with you."

"Naoki." His father gave him a look of reprimand.

"I want to leave home," he said sincere, heading for the kitchen. "I'll prepare some breakfast."

He needed to keep his mind occupied for a while and be out of the walls of his home, away from Kotoko, the last to fulfill her request. In addition, he needed to know if being away for some time would serve him to think carefully, with his head more clear.

It had not worked on the weekend, but he had seven days to decide how he would face Kotoko to convince her to continue with him, even when he was not certain if he loved her back…

[…]

The astonished and joyful welcome of Pandai employees to his father made Naoki feel happy, because they seemed to have a genuine appreciation for him and it distracted him. He looked at the pleased expressions of the people whom he had contact for several weeks, many of which their names appeared in floral arrangements in his father's hospital room.

He stood alone in a corner, next to an ornamental plant and a framed photograph of the first toy of the company, which was a success, before the era of technology and the fame of the country changed a bit the initial course. Since the nineties to a few years after the first decade of the famous two thousand, there was a big difference; the great revolution of recent years had caused it. The beginning of the century was a turning point.

"Forgive me, but I venture to say that you don't look like your father, Irie." He looked to his right, where Matsumoto Yuuko's eyes followed his father.

He let out a snort.

"Maybe. I had a resemblance with him just when I was little. I'm like the Isshiki's, my mother's side," he replied, thinking of the family of his mother, pondering whether it would have been convenient to visit his relatives and not deny to join them; it had been a while since he saw them. However, the idea he of going there attracted him, though the constant occupations in the family home would have kept him busy.

"Then the character must have…" Matsumoto squinted at the time his father laughed, making Naoki stifle a laugh of mockery.

Certainly, his personality wasn't like his father's, not like his mother's; but… to be honest, right then, he began to think if he was more like his mother than he'd admit. Not in her eloquent and exaggerated acting, but in other aspects, as some of her capabilities, only that his mother had lived differently, with less unpleasant experiences, and for being a woman she had to act differently and to give different importance to things.

His view wasn't similar and he could justify his mother's irritating ways came from living with her family.

Because of her and her firm hand on his father, he was the way he behaved today, along with the importance he put on reason. Although he was aware that…

"How is Kotorin?" He raised an eyebrow to Matsumoto. She was looking at the club members and the developers of Pandai with big interest, while they talked animated to his father. "She's missed here," she added.

He, even in his distress, suppressed a smile, knowing what she meant.

"Now I see," Matsumoto sighed, "I just had to look deeper."

He looked puzzled, not hiding that he didn't understand her words.

"I wouldn't have had a chance with Aihara close," she said, wrinkling her nose a moment, nodding when Mr. Sato called her to approach him.

Kotoko close? Look deeper? At what? At him?

She insinuated something very similar to what his father had said, but he didn't want others to tell him, he wanted to get an answer by himself.

He sighed, going to the designing room.

For better or worse, there was a lot of Kotoko.

[…]

The rubber ball fell back into his hand and Naoki threw it to the air to catch it again, continuing the repetitive activity in which he was—lying on his bed—after the dinner, a silent even with his father and Kotoko.

She repeated the sign language, his father was reading and he ate giving brief glances at Kotoko, thinking of his feelings, after accepting throughout the day that, since the moment he met her, he allowed himself to feel, or experience stronger emotions than the basics.

In the past, he was too monotonous… going on a straight path without changes that got him to lose control and calmness, obtaining prompt responses or doing things without realizing the meaning that could be behind them, walking through life without really committing or finding importance to things, making him and his way of life, the center of the universe. Nothing caused him real satisfaction, and he didn't saw the achievements and successes, nor did he had the opportunity to dream or have something to aspire or to fight for. In the past, he didn't know what it was envy or jealousy, uncertainty or great joy, he was so frivolous in the world, responding for mere cordiality or condescension to what was happening around him.

He existed without batting an eye when things happened; he did not worry, fear, longed or enjoy; he didn't even take people or situations with interest. He felt that he wasn't normal, far superior to others. He thought that others' affairs wouldn't happen on him; he was unreachable and judged in a terrible way, he put his intentions high and did not consider another person than himself, nor thought that he could learn what was really important because of others. He didn't allow himself to approach anyone, less to take the task of meeting someone external or to value a person outside his family.

And then… he began to wonder, to take the time, to get angry, to question his person, and to feel like a failure or feel defeated.

All had been so different those two years.

With the entry of Kotoko to his life, he had been forced to face countless situations, which had made him go through different new moments and to analyze and open himself. By having an eidetic memory and great intellectual capacity to understand the logical, and by not wanting to live moments that resembled the embarrassment and helplessness of the past, he put aside the understanding of emotions, his and others, not allowing himself to live with deeper and stronger emotions… He controlled himself to the point that things didn't perturb him, convincing himself of how useless could they be, just to face the world with a mask of coldness—a result of 'head over heart' and 'not feel'—, because nothing could take him off-guard or cross the barrier he put around himself.

Things became unable to have an impact on him and turned away from all the great emotions, to the extent that it wasn't as human as many. Emotions… they were more difficult to understand, as well as feelings and people, because, unlike inert things, they changed. Moreover, he listened what they said and saw some of their actions, but then he looked that they did something different… and did not understand those complexities; they escaped from the logical behaviors, and he remembered perfectly their acts. They did not follow linearity.

Until now, he hadn't realized that he had stopped doing all of that. He had made that big difference. Because of Kotoko, he opened to feelings and little by little, he let them influence him, in some moments. Gradually he stopped bothering about her way of being, and discovered that not all the people under his level were stupid… that she wasn't the idiot he thought at first.

Just by repeating what he initially believed, he felt embarrassed and stupid.

Enjoy, doubt, amaze, anger, shame, envy, interest, fear, rage, dream, wish, love. Kotoko presence in his life had…

He felt it like a blow to the solar plexus and the ball slammed into his shoulder before falling to the ground and roll somewhere he did not care at all.

Love.

He loved Kotoko; he was in love with her. He had been for some time. It was a revelation that came so suddenly, although he had been feeling it before. It was that what she had caused on him, that was the name to those sensations; the uncertainty, interest, concern, acceptance and search for her company, the liking… So many things that he could not quite define, but the throb of his chest related to her, the way his mind stirred, they were because he loved her, that he was in love.

That revelation had come with so many certainties; long before, he could not say when, he had been falling in love with Kotoko, thanks to whom he went through an endless sea of emotions and experiences, impossible that take into account if it had been someone else. No one else was allowed to have so much access to his life, even if he initially disliked her.

For her, he had felt alive. Due to Kotoko, the situations had acquired a new meaning for him; he had faced so much, but just because she caused him so much, he had awakened from his slumber. She had gotten inside him and had access to a place that no one else had really dared to enter. She had confronted and thrown him into the unknown and had pushed him with her at his side.

She had made him look at the world.

And it was for her that he had been waking up and opening himlsef, because since she had smiled at him for the first time, she began making her path inside him, testing him and confronting him, earning his heart with her actions and personality, with the kindness she put for things, with that quality of hers to fail and recover, to seek to improve and persist, to see the positive side of things, to find the best of the universe in little things, with how genuine she was about her feelings… and so many things that could take him ant entire life to name.

Inadvertently for him, while justifying it in different ways, he had fallen in love with her, the person she hid under her image, who surprised him and frustrated him in equal parts, who made him notice how different they were and how they could complete each other, who he constantly enjoyed seeing.

It was… it was there. It began at some point, in which, at first, her characteristics irritated him, then made him admire her and like her; he saw they changing and growing to their current way, and now he didn't want any of them to vanish, because they made Kotoko, without whom he could not live.

He refused to do so; someone might deserve her more than he might, he knew, but he could not and would not have someone else at his side; she was his complement; and she made emerge a part of him that remained hidden, she made him feel.

He could think of millions of words to describe it, but fell short; he could not express his feelings correctly. But it was in the heat of his body when he think of her, in the tension and the yearning when she was close, in the tingle he felt when he touched her, in the calmness that gave him her presence… in the changes in him because of her, nobody but her.

If that and more he didn't know to recognize, did not mean that he loved her, he could not find another explanation and need someone to clarify what that was all about.

Of course he loved her.

He didn't doubt it anymore and… he should tell it to Kotoko, now that he had solved his feelings for her. He'd assure her that he wanted her by his side, that he wanted her with him and that there would be no doubting more about whether he loved her back. Even though he did not feel able repeat it constantly, he wanted to make it clear.

He stood out of bed like a spring and walked to the door, leaving the room quickly; he could lose her for not knowing his feelings on time. How many times did she tell him she loved him?

And she sounded really tired that morning, as if she could not take any more, as if she had surrendered waiting for his response, after long months of dating.

"Kotoko." He knocked on her door several times until she opened, frowning, as she had been doing for some time. How much time did she have thinking about what he felt for her?

Had it been tormenting her?

He had little time with the confusion and pain of her refusal to marry him that he did not understand how she could go through a feeling for much longer.

He stared at her eyes, bright but different from others times he watched them; he didn't find what made them truly shine and felt an armor surrounding them, one he often had around him. He bristled at the thought that he had done that kind of damage to her.

"Please, don't," she said in a low tone.

"Kotoko." He felt his throat suddenly dry; he had gone to tell her that he loved her, but could not say aloud those words, it was so difficult, and the way her eyes lacked emotion had stopped him completely.

She had a request… he should do it, but… he wanted to change that look.

'I love you.'

The words didn't leave his mouth, refusing to do so. It seemed much easier to think than talk, more than say he was sorry; those excuses had been so simple compared to the complexity of confessing that he loved her. Had it been the same for her? Had she felt nervous and uncertain whenever she said them, and not get the answer she wanted in return?

Was it hard for her, even if she really felt it?

Kotoko stepped back when he gave one, watching her jaw clenched, in response to his presence.

Suddenly, she blinked and he watched as her eyes filled with tears, which he failed to give an explanation, immersed in the pain that appeared on her face and in the frustration and despair he felt, unable to say just two words and because she had a face full of suffering, caused by him. She was disarmed and hurt, because of him. And to watch her cry felt like a dagger in his chest, in the helplessness he felt for his inability to tell what his mind screamed.

He raised his hands to take them to her shoulders and pull her to her body, but she shook her head and hugged herself.

"Wh… why?" she sobbed, hiccupping repeatedly with a contorted face. "Why… are you…?"

"Kotoko…"

"S… Stop…" she hiccupped, denying. "I know!"

A searing fear settled in his chest and he blinked with a feeling that gave him chills; she could not know that he loved her because she would not be reacting that way. It would not appear that her world was falling apart or that he was mistreating her. But neither…

"Wh-what?" He stammered, without being able to show confidence in his words. It should be impossible; she could not know the last thing he wanted her to know.

"Oji-san… and oba-sama…" She took a deep breath. "When he came back home… I heard them talk about you and the condition…"

He felt a cold sweat, and his body stood still.

"No," he muttered, tormented. She didn't… Everything except that.

"It took me time to connect the dots…" Kotoko let out a sob and fell to her knees, like him; he felt his feet could no longer bear his weight and stayed before her, crying. "I didn't want to believe it, and then I thought… and everything, you, you talked to Oji-san…"

He didn't need her to hit him in the chest with one hand as she did, because her words were like millions of painful blows against his body. He was unable to deny… he was wordless… He was…

Damn.

"I felt used… listening to it; I felt all this time I was just a toy… and that it was a lie from the beginning… that you just did it for you and that I… I." He took out his hand to her, which was rejected. "…I, I was a means of getting what you wanted. That I was a fool, that I worked with you, that I supported and stood by your side… for you, and I was no more… more than…"

"Kotoko," he whispered, trying for her to stop, to because he could see her face and hear her voice. It hurt, it felt like someone was squeezing his chest and sticking thousands of needles, giving him blow after blow to end his existence. But she… "Hush," he mumbled, hoarsely.

"I was no more than, no more than… any girl… because no matter who, anyone would have served. I felt betrayed and hurt, that I gave my love and you… And you didn't matter… my feelings… And that I was just for you an unimportant being… who suited your needs…"

She shook her head from side to side, making her tears jump, which she tried to erase. He had a lump in his throat, he could not speak; her feelings, what he caused by the damn plan. He had been so stupid, and Kotoko had known his worst mistake.

"I'm a fool… so stupid, I hesitated, I hesitated for a moment… when you said I'd be your girlfriend, but then I forgot it and thought that… that I should not question your motives and it was your way of giving me a chance… I was okay with it thinking that you should have… liked me at the moment, as it happened with me, and that you'd love me later…

» I accepted that after a while you did not tell me, because that's your personality… I was convinced you had to love me… after all the time together… and that you seem to care for me, but even when we were together you were… you were unable to tell me once… and I realize that I was cheating myself like a stupid," she emphasized, "…what you always have believed of me…"

"Not."

"Because the truth was there all this time. Always. And you… you didn't realize that I… was suffering or…" She hiccupped and her shoulders moved violently, sticking the needle deeper into his chest. "You did not care… You don't care about me."

"Kotoko, that's not true," he snapped, shaking his head.

"You don't care about me. You don't love. You don't love me! And I cannot… I cannot be with you, we cannot be together," whispered.

Naoki turned white, feeling… really feeling her pain. And it was all his fault, for a stupid decision made before he met her and an idiot plan that he now saw as the biggest stupidity of the planet, and the meanest goal, before he had allowed himself to know her, see her, feel her, have her and love her. And, unwittingly, he had hurt her, he had hurt the person who mattered the most for him and who had done more than others had for him… He was an idiot.

"Kotoko, I… lov…"

"Don't!" she snapped, covering her ears. "I don't want to hear you… no."

He put his hands to his hair; that was the worst, the last scenario in which he should tell her his feelings. He did not even thought she could listen to him, nor believe him… and she…

"Go away, Naoki, go away!" The use his name plainly hit him squarely in the face.

He tried to grab her hands to put her closer and have her at his side, until he found the way to convince her and make up, to show her that he was no longer the man who thought that stupidity in the past and that he loved her, that he had fallen in love despite everything and that she had won over him, that he had fallen into her hands and in the vast network woven by all of her.

He wanted to explain, to assure her that he loved her.

"Kotoko… listen to me. Please…"

"No," she said, shaking her head, crying with swollen eyes. "Don't you get it?" She took a deep breath. "Respect my decision… For once, just once, consider… what I want."

That was like a slap for him; she repeated she needed to concentrate, that in those moments she couldn't, and he had insisted.

Furthermore, her words were a reference to what he did.

He was so stunned and she so affected that he could not stay there, pushing, without the right words, which he did not think existed… or…

"Leave me alone," she whispered, covering her face. "Please. It… hurts me… to see you."

Those words took effect and he nodded without seeing her, with his exterior hardened and his interior pained by what he had done in Kotoko. He had caused her so much suffering and he kept doing it without intention.

He had shattered one of the most genuine and valuable people he had met.

Naoki wanted to take her in his arms to unburden herself, offer her comfort and make her pain go away, absorb it and assure her it was a nightmare, that he loved her and that all of it was just a situation that she should forget, but… he was the cause and it hurt her to see him.

How could he leave her alone and how could he not?

If even he felt so abandoned right now, he had no forces. His passed a hand over his face, gritting his teeth, and turned away, standing up.

He cursed himself with every step he took toward the door, where he stopped, looking at her shrunken form in the middle of the room, with her face hidden behind her knees, and knowing he was the only one guilty of it.

He kept that picture of her to ruin other times in his head, knowing that he could not forget her devastated, as his mother once said.

He went out and closed the door behind him, shuffling to his room, where he went in and pushed the door with a thud, after which he pressed his forehead against it, squeezing his eyes.

Loathing himself.

Claudia: My God, poor Naoki, I was mean to him. But things will be solved, soon. I felt bad for him too, but this had to happen.