Chapter 33

Between expecting or deserving

For Naoki, there was a limit to feel pathetic, and that was his current action. He was in front of the mirror, watching his violet orbs, hallucinating details that went beyond the impossible.

He had been observing himself for a moment, after shaving, and his conscience led him back to the reason for his restless nights, where he just gain some energy.

He had thought about Kotoko and something tiny changed in his eyes—perhaps it been there before and he got used to—, which appeared without his control once he had her in his mind. It was something light that should only exist to his scrutiny, or maybe it was there and it was what others had seen.

Therefore, that was why he felt pathetic. He knew she was the only woman he wanted, but then to notice… imagine something like it, a change in his eyes, was too much out of character.

That was the consequence of the uncertainty and the waiting, and the sadness he had with just seen Kotoko for a moment, with her shoulders slightly drooped and her eyes downcast. Maybe she was very strong, in his opinion, but there were times when she could not face the world with an unshakeable facade.

Or only he was aware of certain things.

It relied heavily on perception. Perhaps he saw more than it was. Maybe yes, maybe not. Perhaps the wait that was eating him inside and his vain attempts to focus did not even work a little…

Again, already tired of it, he found himself sighing.

At least, it was Saturday, and there were two days left to her recovery test, which marked the limit he was willing to wait.

He left the bathroom and sat in front of his laptop. Today, they were supposed to resume their tennis practice, but the circumstances made it impossible. He had to admit that he was used to do it during the year, even if he never had a real game.

Probably he gave many things for granted, intentionally or not, and they all came to him now; or also, when a really important event occurred, the mind just thought about it.

The point was that in those days he had reflected more than in all his life. He did not occupy his mind in the books and not using reading as a distraction, but spent his time thinking and analyzing, so that his mind worked on something that didn't interest him before.

There the reason for reading a lot, because occupying his mind prevented him to find the substantial or insubstantial in his behavior.

And it was tiring, mentally exhausting; a few times, it was like going in circles, or reach high walls, but after a few moments, he found the key that opened the door that appeared out of nowhere, or he managed to break the obstacles or create paths where before he thought impossible.

He had begun with moments of his own childhood, up to today. So many things took on a new perspective, he could see different or not give the same connotation to past events.

He slightly shook his head; thinking about what he struggled to do the most. Two moments that marked his personality; the first, when others discovered he was a boy using dresses for his mother desires; the second, when he made an exhaustive observation with his superior skills, which earned him being excluded by his classmates, whom he started naming—in his mind—as stupid people.

He had kept his feelings, as his mother had said, so he wasn't hurt, because his child ego had felt hurt by something that he currently saw with no great importance. In addition, by not allowing himself to feel at an early age, with his intelligence, neither was he given the opportunity to understand the emotions, consequently, making the habit of putting them away. Nevertheless, there was also the fact that he didn't see linearity in feelings, they had no clear order and constantly changed, and he felt comfortable with the control, which did not alter or give surprises.

And now it was different; he no longer had the iron hand on things, nor did he choose to feel superior to show others that their different skills were a reason to despise them, because they could teach him different things.

He knew it perfectly, thanks to Kotoko; as well as he knew that on several occasions, he was wrong with her.

He had discovered reality. Those mechanisms that protected him for a long time have faded a bit.

He hoped that the different he felt was enough not only for him but also for Kotoko.

[…]

"Naoki-kun."

Hearing his name from Shigeo-san, with the suffix, told Naoki that whatever he wanted to communicate wouldn't be much to his liking, although it didn't have a serious tone to feel dismayed. Kotoko's father used to say "Naoki", in the same nice voice he used now, but not with a slight wrinkle between his eyes (perhaps he had more concern than anything else).

"Oji-san." He accepted to enter Shigeo-san's room; the man closed the door once he was inside, occupying the chair offered.

Naoki felt reticent about what he might want to talk that Sunday morning, in private, mainly by recent events; however, his face did not seem angry or offended.

"Yes?" he murmured, forcing himself to look into Shigeo-san's eyes, even if inside he felt slightly embarrassed because he had managed to do what he had promised not to do. He had hurt her, and he hadn't been honorable, even if intimate affairs were something that he should not explain to the other, nor the man should interfere in an extreme way.

Shigeo-san rested his elbows on his legs and sighed. "Kotoko told me you broke."

To hear it from the lips of someone else was a little hard to take, but he nodded, wrinkling his mouth in clear opposition to it.

"Before she told me… I had been thinking about recent events of Iri-chan and the company, and you… and had decided that she and I should move…"

Naoki remained impassive to it, hoping he finished. He knew, for Kotoko, that information.

"The reason was that we weren't a burden and, as a family, you have the opportunity to be together without third parties. I thought a lot and looked for options, it wasn't completely sure and I haven't talked to your parents; but… with your breaking…" Shigeo-san cleared his throat. "It seems the best that we leave… though I grieve because you looked good together."

He gulped, nodding, speaking when he thought Shigeo-san would not continue: "What happened, it was a misunderstanding and I intend to fix," he said without hesitation. "Shigeo-san, you don't need to move. You are family and… I want to marry Kotoko, she is the woman I love," he expressed sincerely, looking at the dark eyes of her father. "Perhaps not marry now, but until she finished college, but I want to get your permission and blessing; of course, if Kotoko wants it too."

Shigeo-san opened his mouth a few times. "I do not wish to intrude…" he said. "Nor go against what she wants, it's just… if… she… you know how she is?"

His mouth curved into a slight smile. "Yes, I know she's not perfect as some men would want in a wife; but she's enough for me." He allowed himself to say aloud, taking into account his trust and because, with the most important person to her, he should assure that he'd take care of her as he really should have done from the start. Kotoko was everything to him.

Shigeo-san cleared his throat. "Then if Kotoko agrees, you have my blessing, Naoki."

He bowed his head for the vote of confidence. "Before talking to my parents, I want to have time to talk to her."

"It's okay."

[…]

Naoki ate the last of grilled fish that he and his father were having for lunch, the two alone in the house—because the Aihara were in the restaurant—, when the sound of the door made them raise their heads.

"We are home!" Cried his mother with her usual effusiveness, and both looked at the entrance of the dining room, where she and Yuuki appeared with the company of his grandmother's Saint Bernard, who flopped by his chair.

"Mama! Yuuki!" Greeted his father smiling. "And Chibi?"

Yuuki laughed, taking out the leash of the lazy animal that barely raised his nose at his name.

His mother gave warm hugs to his father and him, who only sighed, causing her to separate and narrow her eyes at him, before smiling once again.

"Chibi will stay with us some time," announced his mother. "Yuuki spent so much time with him, and begged my mom, so she gave it to us a few weeks."

He snorted; he knew who would repeal the idea, but what could be done? He was not going to throw out the dog nor sadden his brother with it, and it would be impolite.

"And Kotoko-chan?" his mother asked taking a seat at the table, frowning.

"Ai-chan made her go to the restaurant because she spends many hours studying in her room," explained his otōsan, pushing his plate to put his arms on the table. "She has worked hard to pass."

"Oh, Kotoko-chan!" Whispered his mother with her hands clasped to her chest. "Tomorrow I will make a special breakfast with lots of protein for her test."

"She's going to need more than that," said his brother with a mischievous smile, patting Chibi.

"Yuuki," he warned him, frowning.

"I won't tell her," his brother replied shrugging.

"Yuuki loves to Kotoko-chan, don't you?" his mother interjected in a singsong voice.

His brother straightened with his eyes narrowed. "No, who can love that baka?" He asked, crossing his arms.

Naoki shook his head softly, watching himself, a long time ago, in his brother. His parents laughed. Had he looked that way, refusing the inevitable? Yuuki's tone had been almost of given up, and his baka had sound with esteem.

What a blind and naïve person he was, almost to the level of a child. Big sign of maturity on his part.

"I missed being at home," said his mother, raising her arms festively.

He laughed softly along his father, aware of the hidden meaning of her words, her family. Also because she no longer considered Saga prefecture as her home.

He saw his mother for a moment, saying nothing; her presence gave back some normalcy. He expected other things to do the same.

[…]

"Where are you going, onii-chan?"

Naoki finished putting his shoes and looked at his mother, who was holding a knife in her hand, coming from way to the kitchen.

"University," muttered, turning to escape the scrutiny of her face, as the one she gave him at breakfast, when she laid her eyes on him and Kotoko repeatedly.

He knew that for his dramatic and cunning mother, things were happening, which meant doing plans to meddle. It had only taken her a half day to repaire the anomaly of her beloved daughter and him (for her gaze, she blamed him, guessing right); he didn't want to think what would she have done being there the last week.

In part, he thanked her absence; but, on the other hand, it would have been convenient her meddling so he didn't get things wrong.

However, if for her, since the beginning, had been clear that he met Kotoko and made her his girlfriend due to the condition, it showed that she always was one-step ahead and didn't intrude all the time.

He looked over his shoulder at his mother; perhaps he gave her too much credit, too much wisdom, and wit, but he began to support the idea of his resemblance to her on many things.

She analyzed him thoroughly. "Kotoko-chan knows, right?" she asked softly.

He dropped his shoulders and nodded, turning his body slightly. He thought, for a moment, that it wasn't accidental that Kotoko listened… but then he remembered that the last thing she wanted was to hurt her, or him; though she often did things that take him to his limit or went against what he wanted, which he deserved. Perhaps she had learned from his childhood and she had not realized it, just did things her way.

He shook his head in denial, he would not analyze his mother; it would cause a headache and he would not get the right answer. And it was not important at the time.

"Don't say what you would expect to listen." She said as she went back to where she came from.

He frowned and nodded to himself, turning his attention to the door to leave home and face what would happen. At least she hadn't said not to expect what he wanted to listen.

[…]

Naoki looked at his watch; it was more than half an hour after his estimation of Kotoko ending her test. While he waited outside the building of Social Studies, not so quiet despite being holiday—it must have been that many were taking tests again—, he had not seen her red hair.

He felt worried that it had gone so wrong that she didn't leave the place, because it'd delay her college years.

He snorted without looking away from the entrance of the building, in which at that moment went out a blonde girl. He dropped his shoulders in disappointment.

It unsettled him the pass of time with no signals of Kotoko.

"What are you doing here, Irie?" He frowned with the woman questioning him at his side and directed his view to the right.

The tallest friend of Kotoko, who spoke, next to the plump friend, looked at him with a frown. For him, the feeling of dislike was mutual, after last Christmas. Of them, he supposed Kotoko had trusted them with the problem.

"You have nothing to do here", said Jinko and he huffed, disinterested in the opinion that they had.

Although he was less upset, by the support they were demonstrating for Kotoko.

"You do not say anything?" Satomi asked. "We were right to advise Kotoko."

He resisted the urge to frown and require clarification, but he knew that she would reveal what was going through her mind.

"Yeah," supported the other, crossing her arms. "Kin-chan," his body tensed hearing the name, "is eager to ask Kotoko tomorrow to give him a chance."

"And we told her it was the best to do, you don't care for her; he will value her more than you do."

"And he loves her, he has for a long time."

It took all his restraint to keep listening calmly, he wanted to hit something thinking her words sink in Kotoko and led him to accept that guy, who was willing to take the chance now that they were not a couple because of his mistake.

"Oh yeah?" he whispered, raising an eyebrow, turning his attention to the door.

Ikezawa could try. He was not going to stand idly by.

She was better with Ikezawa? Before he could have believed it, but now his view was very different.

"He fights for her and he deserves her," Jinko said. "Not someone like you, Irie."

Sigh. "And how do you know?" he asked aloud, sarcastic. They had exchanged… what? A hundred words, more or less?

They knew Kotoko but could not say anything about him, less with their inability to understand him, when he barely did it.

"We know that he loves her and has been in love with her. And what's best for Kotoko."

"Weren't you the one that push her towards me?" he replied ironically, causing both to stay with their mouth open.

He appreciated that they defend her, but he'd not allow them to overstep certain limits. Mostly when they pushed Kotoko into the arms of that stupid, which the only recognition he should give was his devotion… he hated to ask himself if Ikezawa might be suitable for her, for his persistence.

Yes, he feared the guy, with his insistent personality like Kotoko's, given the chance, got to win her heart, as she did with him.

"Anyway, she already left," said Satomi after a moment, "an hour ago. We accompanied her."

"What are you doing here?" he asked, not quite believing it.

"We walked by and saw you."

"Our building, of Arts, is next to this."

Watching their faces and recognizing the truth about it, he knew he had no place being there.

"Where is she?" He asked, swallowing pride, because now that did not serve and they could know her whereabouts.

"She went home," whispered Satomi. He bowed his head in gratitude and took the way out of the campus, walking in long strides to reach soon the station.

Just a second he looked over his shoulder, checking that Kotoko did not come out of anywhere, and was watching him from afar.

[…]

Again, after breakfast, Naoki cursed, not having the address of Kotoko's friend, with whom she had been last night.

Upon arriving home the day before, his mother informed him that Kotoko would sleep at Satomi home's, that she had put her things in a bag and gone long before he returned.

Kotoko had refused his mother's request of waiting for him, as she said, and he had felt frustrated because there was no way of knowing where the friend lived. Said friend, surely, had delayed him the day before, so that the other had enough time to run away and hide.

Quite a coincidence, but it had been.

He was afraid that Kotoko chose to avoid him, staying at her friend's home until her father decided to leave home, though his mother had said that she only took two sets of clothes.

He didn't know if she would come earlier that day, or if she would do until the night; however, the circumstances made it clear that in the early hours of the day she would not appear.

He had barely slept, mulling over how could he get the address of the friend, and the only option left was Ikezawa, although it was clear that the other would not provide that information.

Tokyo was not as big territorially, but it was stupid to go out and to find a home without an idea to make to decrease the options. The friend's name was very common.

Deciding to move out of the bedroom, not like a caged lion, he grabbed his things and left his room to the stairs, descending rapidly.

Maybe Ikezawa would give him the answer; Satomi had said he'd asked for his chance that day. He could follow him and get her whereabouts. Or he could opt to ask the English woman, who was interested in the cook.

With this in mind, he reached the front door, changed his shoes and left without saying goodbye…

…in the most decisive time he had to face.

That time he could not wait the subway, so he ran for a taxi and went to Fugukichi, not knowing if he was fortunate to arrive strangely fast, or that he was so distracted by the situation that reality seemed different.

What he knew was that his heart cracked by the absence of the blonde-haired woman, and by the ignorance of the whereabouts of Ikezawa, which increased his desperation and desire to pull his hair.

"He's on a date with Kotoko," Satomi's voice said at his side, at the other side of the bar where Shigeo-san asked his employee.

Both he and Kotoko's father opened their eyes in astonishment. And he swore inside.

"I don't know where," added the friend, shrugging with a sigh; he noticed conflict in her face.

He nodded, said goodbye to Shigeo-san and left the restaurant with a heavy chest.

When the light of the bright sun of spring get to his face, he felt apprehension and resignation, rather than the good spirits that could offer the season. He could not walk around the city; even if he toured the sites for a date, there was no guarantee of finding them.

He felt his hands tied, entirely frustrated by circumstances. His heartbeat hurried as his head tried to solve the puzzle without good results. All escaped his control and it was bothersome; also, it caused him so much impotence, his intellectual ability didn't matter when it didn't serve in things concerning a loved one and the major obstacle in which he was.

He ran a hand over his forehead and pulled out all the air in him.

Then, the other side of the street, as if it were a miracle, he saw an unmistakable red hair, next to a tall guy with black hair with gel.

"Kotoko."

He followed them with his eyes, as he addressed the crosswalk, so he didn't lose them. He took a step forward willing to cross, but at the time, a truck passed, having changed the color of the light.

He almost said a curse aloud, hoping his vision would be free. But behind was another truckload; it was an evil spell that there were food shops and restaurants.

When they had passed his eyes turned to the direction in which he saw them and gritted his teeth when he didn't find them. The traffic light changed and he hurried to cross. On the other side, he dodged passersby at a brisk pace, using his height to see if there was Kotoko's orange hair between the sea of people who walked the streets that Tuesday.

He reached an intersection and looked everywhere and found nothing.

He turned his eyes to heaven, wondering if it was a joke his excellent fortune in that year.

Naoki chose a path where there were more establishments; but half an hour later, it proved to be in vain.

A mockery of life, mostly for the image of Kotoko and Ikezawa together.

[…]

He could not be so cursed, Naoki thought, leaning against the wall of his house, next to the front gate, hands in his pockets. He was waiting there to intercept Kotoko before she went it; it was the most desperate and inconvenient way to approach her, after a day of going around in circles.

Night was falling, the clock showed almost six past the meridian, and she should show up there in a short time, as it was her habit of not coming home if the clock passed seven.

He raised his head again when he heard a series of steps, then he lowered his eyes; it was the third time it happened in the ten minutes he had there.

He wondered if it was so out of him to do that, but he dismissed the thought just for that particular situation. He would not be so reserved once he managed to recover him, he'd only not be so…

He heard footsteps and his eyes fell on her little feet.

"Kotoko," he said, straightening up.

She looked at him shocked, backed and turned, breaking into a run.

It did not take even half a second to go after her, concentrating all his energy to reach her, which he made much faster than she would have expected. Still, the place where they stopped was the park.

"Kotoko," he repeated, holding her wrist, preventing her to continue forward.

Fortunately, there was no one else in the park, or it would have hindered his mission, when he saw her struggling to get loose, turning to hit him in the chest with her free hand, trying to escape.

He did not put impediments to do so, because he had the slightest suspicion that she did it to vent and get even, although deep down her attitude caused him a source of discomfort.

"Enough! Enough!"

"Let me explain," he requested, amid her punches and tugs.

"No!" she cried, shaking her head. "You'll confuse me again. And I do not want to!"

He was surprised that she just felt confusion and anger towards him that time.

"Why?"

"You used me! You lied to me!" she blurted, without moving. "You're a liar who only played with my heart and you took advantage of me!"

He let go of her wrist. This time, though hurt, he was more prepared to listen and face her.

"You made me your girlfriend just for convenience!" She looked at him angrily. I spent two years deceived and derided, devoting completely to someone with a cold heart, who does not care about anything but himself, to whom I do not matter in the least… Although sometimes, you acted as if you did and even you suffe… No!"

He denied.

"But it was a lie. You just care what you want and need. Leave me alone! Let me continue my life! Let me fall in love with someone…"

"Is that why you accept dates with Ikezawa?!" He interrupted with containing himself, shortening the distance between the two.

"Dat… And why do you bother?!" Kotoko snapped pushing him with both hands, not getting him to back away. "I am nothing to you! You only want a woman to take advantage of her and have her for your convenience! There are many that delighted would accept to be with you! I want to be happy! Kin-chan loves me! He has loved me for four years!"

He clenched his hands.

"He do loved me all this time!"

"And just for that you have to love him?!" He bellowed.

"Yes! Because he isn't a liar and has a heart! He has fought for me and he deserves to be given a chance and to be loved by me! He's worth it! How could be well for me to love someone who does not love me and hurts me?!"

"But you don't love him!" He disagreed, feeling his heart beat faster when he repeated her last sentence. She loved him. "You don't love Ikezawa, you love me!"

He didn't see coming the throbbing pain in his cheekbone… so he opened his eyes as much as Kotoko, while her hand remained open in the air, after slapping him.