Chapter 34

Of giving and making efforts

Neither managed to react for a moment, crossing their gazes.

Naoki was stunned with the burning in his cheek and the amazed eyes of Kotoko as the sole focus of his attention. He would never have thought she would do something of that style, although he could admit he deserved it from her, after what he had said.

He blinked. It had been positive that she had slapped him, or he would have continued an argument that would worsen his situation. And nothing would have finished as he had expected.

Yet, actually, in his head, he was not so sure of what he would do, because his brooding on it gave him no satisfaction.

Collecting air, he put his fingers around her wrist and lowered her arm. "At first, my intention was to have a girlfriend to meet my father's condition," he began, not taking his eyes off her. "I told him I didn't want to be his successor in Pandai because I wanted to find out what to do with my life. He put me as a condition to introduce a young woman who assured him that I would settle down and help him fulfill his other desire, to have grandchildren." He sighed. "It happened the day before you gave me your letter."

» In light of that, I considered having a girlfriend to concentrate on what mattered to me, figure out what to do with my life, I had nothing that interested me. Then it felt right to get a girl to make my girlfriend and just focus on my future. You showed up, and yes, it was convenient," he admitted, closing his eyes for a moment; "but it was true what I said to your father, my intention was not to hurt you. I was a fool; I believed that, with you loving me and being who I was, it was good for my purpose."

His thumb circled on her skin, which rewarded him with a chill on her part.

"The truth is…" He smiled wryly. "I forgot; my mind put away the reason for making you my girlfriend after some time knowing you, and I didn't reconsider it until ten days ago, before you confessed knowing it. I knew you were not supposed to know about it, but it was too late."

Kotoko took a step backward.

"But I don't regret it. Otherwise, how would I have been able to know you?" He expressed, believing it.

"No."

A tear shed down her cheek and he stared at it for a moment, helpless, not daring to touch her and delete it.

"I… had never gone through so many strong emotions in my life; I was angry, jealous, thoughtful, happy, dazed, confused, hurt. I went through a number of new things for me, how was I to know what was going on with me?"

She let out a sob and he swallowed.

"Why… should I believe?" She whispered with a hiccup. "What if it is another attempt to deceive me?"

"My father, he… his condition was not serious."

"How can I believe you?" Kotoko looked away with eyes full of doubt. "Less believing I fell in love of a lie."

He felt like another slap from her. He decided to ignore it because he deserved those words.

"You didn't do it. Beyond the start, it was real. I was real."

She closed her eyes hugging herself. Then she opened them biting her lower lip.

He cleared his throat.

"I've realized that I'm not perfect and that you're the one who did not deserve to have me as your boyfriend," he declared. "But I want you by my side."

'Because I love you,' he said to himself.

"And I'll do what it takes to gain your trust, the time it takes," he whispered.

"How can I believe in you?" she murmured. "You don't even love me."

He opened his mouth, ready to tell her, but she refused gently, misunderstanding the long pause, and turned.

She walked away with slow steps, walking among the purple wisteria trees, hugging her body.

A breath of air lifted the few fallen petals of the cherry trees that bloomed before, and perfumed with the scent of wisteria, with the itching sensation that caused the flower.

Kotoko continued to move away from him. He felt a lump in his throat and his eyes stung because of wisteria. Was he going to lose her forever? Wouldn't he have one chance?

It could not be!

She was all he wanted in his life, the one that gave him true happiness; lose her, it did not compare to not get a dream, or feel a failure, or to experience living in a constant curse with his inability to connect with others for his differences with them.

It was a million times worse and more.

She had given him a dream, and experiences, and feelings to his life. Everything good that he had lived until then, had something to do with her. Intense emotions and moments that made him be more like other, more human. Without Kotoko, his life would be gray and… he could not handle that. He needed her.

He felt the pain of rejection… but Kotoko should feel worse; for him, she was always sincere in his feelings, and she lived in an illusion created by him and now it was difficult to understand his feelings were sincere. Even he would have felt incredulous listening.

He must rely on the sincerity and do something to show her that he cared for her, express that he loved her, in a way she understood and accepted what he felt. He refused to lose her.

He remembered the movie they saw on their first date. The protagonist resorted to sincerity, although he had done it before saying everything, but… he actually did not say how far his feelings were. If even they had slept together and he did not express anything. How did he expect her to believe in him? Could he lose for his pride and not talking openly just for once?

No.

"No!" he shouted, startling her, but Kotoko did not interrupt her walk.

He walked up to her and took a deep breath.

"I did wrong…" He spoke in high volume, making her stop. "And I'm sorry… Forgive me for making you feel used and betrayed… for causing you pain. It was never my intention."

She turned, her eyes flooded with tears.

"I would have done everything before hurting you," he confessed.

Her eyelids fluttered repeatedly.

"What can I do?" He asked, lost to the core.

"I'm not supposed to tell you," she whispered, looking down.

"I'm awful at this," he admitted with defeat.

And then he knew; when she lifted her face staring at him in amazement. He knew what he could do.

He smiled broadly, as he knew had ever done, and counted to ten before speaking. "Nice to meet you," he said.

Kotoko raised a hand as if to slap him, and he held it in his.

"Nice to meet you, Kotoko Aihara. I'm Naoki Irie, a medical student."

» You do not know who I am, right?, but I do know who you are. For almost two years, I've known you and you did that this man that people call genius discovered that he is not. You can understand the simple things in a way I cannot quite understand and see the world the way I don't, but it's better than my perspective. You can make ten percent of things I do not and are much better in them than I can be.

"I admire you for being you and for making me get me the answers I had been looking for. And more. I have no hope of you accepting me… but I confess my feelings with all my heart."

He put his arm around her and put his lips to her ear.

"Kotoko, I love you," he pronounced in a whisper, finally embracing her.

She leaned against his chest and he held her tightly in his arms, intending not to run away. He held her to make sure she was with him, that she was not part of his imagination, but that her smell and warmth give certainty that she was there, with him.

Moreover, because he had never felt such enormous need to hold her.

"You showed me that nothing else matters when you're by my side," he confessed, feeling his face completely red, betting for risk.

Kotoko separated, dumbfounded. "Naoki-kun," she whispered.

"Would you give me a chance?" he asked gently, in order to start all over with her and show her that what he wanted was to have her at his side. He could not live without her, his life dependent of her, although he apparently was alive.

"Naoki-kun…"

"A chance until you trust me and you decide to be my girlfriend again."

Another breeze blew and she looked at him in a way that made him cringe in the heart. Her face expressed doubt, but he also saw her appreciation, and the struggle to give her heart again… for giving him the opportunity he craved.

Kotoko closed her eyes and breathed deeply, making him hold his breath.

And she answered.

He only saw her nodded once to take her lips.

The sense of triumph filled his being and he kissed her deeply, capturing her mouth and getting to feel that she was his, that he had her with him again, and that he had a unique opportunity to make her happy and show that her place was at his side. That, despite not deserving her, he could not be away from her. That even with his imperturbability, only she managed to pass his barrier and that, just with her, he would change part of his actions.

He slowed the pace of his lips against hers, with a salty taste that he did not want to feel again of her mouth, unless it was of joy, and took off slowly and gently, to support his forehead to hers, after what seemed like an eternity.

He opened his eyes and found her hazel ones.

What would become of him without being able to watch them so closely?

"Will you take care of me?" Kotoko asked, blinking.

"Yes," he whispered. "Always."

She sighed and he squeezed his arms even more.

Just the sound of the breeze blowing, and their breaths, remained in the place.

He felt calm had returned to his life, because she was back in his arms, she had come back to be part of his world, where he would not allow her departure.

He would have done so many ridiculous thing if she had not grant him the opportunity he asked, just to have her.

But also calm, because he was happy.

She was letting him have her back and he would not be stupid this time.

A sigh escaped him, holding her as if she were to escape.

It took seconds, minutes, hours, an indefinitely time, until they had to separate. "Let's go home," he said, separating reluctantly.

She, after a long time, smiled, and nodded. However, when he wanted to move, she stopped him, forcing the grip of his left hand.

"Forgive me," she said, her eyes focused on his left cheekbone, where she slapped him.

He snorted and shook his head. "I deserved it," he said, shrugging.

Kotoko frowned; he led his forefinger to her forehead, pressing it lightly. "Let's go," he said again, dropping his right hand at his side.

She nodded and squeezed his hand again, making the short way home in silence.

At home, the door opened before they could do it, and his mother appeared on the other side, shrieking just by watching them. She turned to yell multiple exclamations, which made others went out of the living room, even Shigeo-san, who was there that night.

He sighed; and only for the happiness he felt, he accepted the jubilant words of their parents, and the contented smile of his brother.

This time, such display wasn't as upset as he would have thought.

[…]

Hours after dinner, even with the excitement of the day, Naoki was unable to sleep, so he left his room with the intention of going to the kitchen for a glass of water and then be quiet to have a good night's sleep, now that his martyrdom was over and Kotoko was his, thereafter.

He had felt so good when Shigeo-san gave his assent after dinner, alone, because, although it took time and effort, he'd get back Kotoko's confidence in him and get her to become his wife in the future. From that moment, that was his purpose.

He had a chance with her and he would not ruin it.

He left the kitchen with a glass of water in hand and went to the living room to sit on the couch for a moment, sipping his drink calmly.

Opening the door, he found a figure on the sofa, whom he quickly recognized as Kotoko.

She had an eye in the center of the table and she had not raised her head when he opened the door. Worried, he approached her, placing the glass on the table.

"Kotoko," he called, making him give a slight wince.

Even without looking at him, she spoke: "Dad and I should move out."

His heart raced as he sat beside her.

"I talked a lot with Satomi," she explained in a low voice, fidgeting with her fingers, "and I think I need to have a different relationship, I am used to living in the same house, so a normal relationship, separated, looks like a good idea."

He breathe. At least in the last hours she had not reconsidered being his girlfriend. However, it did preoccupied him a little that her friend had gotten her ideas that she did not like; influence in Kotoko, manipulate her, well, he did not see it as a nice idea now.

"Aren't you afraid that distance affects our relationship?" he asked her, feeling that he do it more to himself.

"I don't know; it's what I would like discover… I cannot go on if I don't know it. I have lived in a dream a long time."

"Try some normalcy might not be so bad," he said for her, who nodded.

That sounded logical, even weird coming from her. Although he felt dismay for being separated from her and give her a chance to fall out of love of him, it was something they needed. Or that Kotoko needed more.

He knew how hard it was what he felt for her, which had grown slowly, no matter if they lived in the same house—despite it influenced it—; he had to give her the opportunity to know her feelings, because the "relationship" they had seemed very one-sided.

He felt he owed it to her.

"That way you can concentrate in studying medicine."

"It doesn't bother me to have you with me," he showed his discomfort, shrugging.

She nodded.

He would bear to live in different homes, he thought. He could not see her every day, but he'd keep her close so she knew how important she was for him. It was not a separation in the full sense of the word, but a proof that their relationship could be kept and survive.

And she needed it, which was important.

Kotoko snickered. "All this time I have seen, heard and experienced things; I've thought a lot. Even though I need time to trust you again, I don't think it'd change what I feel for you, my feelings, even if yours…"

"I won't change them," he interrupted, holding her hand.

She finally looked up and smiled with a red face.

"Then at the end it will be good, right?" she asked in a hesitant and sweet tone that made her unique, that he could not help but smile in response and approach to kiss her forehead.

"Yes," he murmured, pressing her against his chest.

"Naoki-kun… today you talked more than usual," she said, whispering.

He smiled. "It was worth it."

[…]

Thursday night Naoki sneaked into the room of his girlfriend, with the most innocent reason, considering that they had slept together in a bedroom.

It would have been too bold of him to think they would carry out those activities with her father sleeping steps away, and the house occupied; in addition, their relationship wasn't that good.

He smiled. He just had something he hadn't given to her the day he looked for her, which he had kept in his pocket and forgot about. Being honest, during the day or while she was conscious, he would not dare to give it, as it got him embarrassed, even if he told himself that he would make efforts for her.

That said, now, in extreme stealth, he went into the bedroom of Kotoko, who was sleeping peacefully in her bed, her hair tousled on her pillow, hugging his cheap imitation, as if she didn't want someone to take it away from her arms.

The image made him feel proud. At least she proved that she still cared a lot about him.

That did not mean he would take it easy, he admitted.

Shaking his head, he held out his hand to the bedside table, where the lamp was on, and took the bracelet, making move the trinkets. There was a heart, a happy face, a candy, a bow, and a flower, all given by his mother.

However, there was nothing given by him, and he had to change it.

Looking at his hand, he wondered if he it was not stupid enough to place those three figures he had seen as he paced thinking. The meaning of a little man and a tennis ball weren't difficult to understand and accept for him, but the little Earth planet was too much. Very sentimental, if someone analyze it, especially if he was the one giving it.

Naoki sighed; he would place it because it didn't make sense to buy it and have it saved.

Carefully, he made room for everyone, checking at the end that the bracelet did not weigh too much, pleased to note that it didn't.

Then he left the bracelet where it was; she would realize it later.

He watched her again, before having to go and leave her. It did not look like anything disturb her sleep.

Leaning down, he placed a kiss on her lips before leaving.

[…]

On the weekend, with sighs and tears of his mother, Shigeo-san and Kotoko moved to a small house, recently vacated, near the restaurant of her father.

It was a perfect place for two and a convenient location to transport, so she had the means to go to college, and it was a safe neighborhood.

Naoki sighed anyway, depositing the last carton box in the central room of the house. He had gone to accompany them to carry their belongings, but also with the idea of going later to the restaurant, to talk with Ikezawa.

He said goodbye to the Aihara with a momentary glance at Kotoko and left the neighborhood, crossing the road to go to the restaurant, which would open much later, though he knew the assistance of Ikezawa at that time of the morning, thanks to Shigeo-san.

He needed that the cook definitely finished his romantic intentions with his girlfriend. He understood that she had that quality to win the affection of others, but he was tired to have the other behind Kotoko. He would not do it intending to be cruel, because he knew what it was to love her, he was just annoyed to have him pursuing her and he wanted to make it clear that he would be the one with her, the one who would make her happy.

In addition, Ikezawa deserved a little consideration after knowing that he supported Kotoko when he realized she was sad, which Naoki didn't know how to.

Taking a deep breath, he opened the front door of the restaurant, with a closed sign, and he went it, meeting with the dark-haired mopping tables and the English woman behind the bar.

They both looked at him.

"It's closed," told the man before cleaning again and Naoki, his hands in his pockets. Did he think he was stupid? He knew that it was a way to ignore him.

He nodded to the blonde, who understood and went to the back of the restaurant, directing a brief glance at the man from Kansai.

"I said we're not attending, Irie," said Ikezawa, mopping hard a table that looked very polished. "Go out."

"Kotoko is my girlfriend," he communicated taking a step toward the dark-haired. For him, she was, although he was on trial period. "Stop chasing her, Ikezawa."

The other played dumb and went to another table, which was already shining.

"If you want to stay as her friend, it is okay," he expressed, distrusting, "but whom she loves it's me."

Ikezawa looked at him for a moment, in silence.

"You don't know her, or know what she likes, you don't love her…"

"You're wrong," he cut, looking away. "You don't need her, and you can live without her… I cannot."

The other might have been those four years without her at his side, but he could not stand even a week away from Kotoko; and yes, he did not depend on her to live, he just decided not to do it, because his existence lacked color and emotions without her at his side. It did not make much sense. Ikezawa, however, already had all that and on his own could be motivated and encouraged himself to continue his daily life, without Kotoko.

It was stupid to think that he could rely that much on the presence of a woman at his side, but to himself, he could admit the great weight that she had in his life.

Moreover, if Kotoko's happiness depended on someone, it was on him.

In addition, just with her emerged his true self; anyone else got that. Kotoko had an amazing effect on him.

"All right," whispered Ikezawa after a few moments. "But you'll pay if you hurt her again, Irie," threatened with a fist.

He curled his mouth into a smile, turning turn to leave the place.

He stopped at the door. "Be smarter and pay attention to what you have close," he advised over his shoulder, pointing an eyebrow at the place where the English blonde had been moments before.

He chuckled when Ikezawa blushed, and left Fugukichi without weight on his shoulders.

[…]

Tranquility in a new day of school seemed strange, but at home, they already had a week and a half getting used to their routine before the Aihara, so it didn't seem to bother them too much.

Naoki would've believed that his mother would be downcast; surprisingly she wasn't, and with her chitchat, he dismissed the possibility a future depression by the absence of her beloved daughter at home. Perhaps that they kept in touch, and that Kotoko was still his girlfriend, had her at ease.

"Cream is a suitable color for a tablecloth?" she asked loudly over breakfast; it made them observe her with raised eyebrows.

"Mama?" Spoke his father with a confused face.

She laughed. "I have some plans."

"For the House?" asked his brother, continuing the conversation.

His mother nodded. "It gives me happiness."

He narrowed his eyes, but sighed after it. If decorated home kept her busy and helped her forget the the absence of his girlfriend, it was good, that way her enthusiasm remained on it. They could not object after she spent the first day sobbing by the lack of Kotoko under her roof.

Even Yuuki seemed slightly affected because she wasn't there, but was content to spend his hours with Chibi, or drawing, as a last resort.

He could not say he was very calm with that arrangement, he was just already getting used to the idea, especially when he was in contact with Kotoko electronically, which he would not have thought possible before. It was true that he didn't talk much, though; he answered to her and put more attention in not stop answering to the messages that required it.

Therefore, at least, it did not seem that the distance between the two enlarged. And he could see her on Saturday during their training.

"Yuuki, will you invite Konomi-chan to come home?" asked, and almost suggested, his mother, making Naoki shook his head, especially watching the pout that Yuuki put on his face, with his wrinkled brow.

"No, she's not my friend. She's one of the bad-ones in class!" exclaimed his brother, introducing a lot of rice in his mouth.

His father made a gesture of denial and ate his breakfast.

"But Yuuki, you could help her!"

"No way!" Bellowed his brother.

He stood to go to college, and put a hand on the hair of his brother, who had left to learn that such denial would get the insistence of his mother.

"Oh, it would be very exciting that she were in Class F and you in the A!" said his mother.

His father and he laughed, while Yuuki turned red of anger and surprise, Naoki didn't know which dominated over his face.

His mother seemed to have found the answer to the enigmas of the universe, smiling triumphantly.

He left the room with a mocking smile, checking his watch.

"All right! I will help her!"

Amused, he finished his morning routine to leave home; it'd be entertaining to see the stratagems of his mother with two children in sixth grade. For her, it was as if they were destined, not children close to their eleven birthdays.

He shrugged leaving his home and made his way to the station with a blank mind, reaching it soon.

He checked his watch; he was in good time.

The subway arrived quickly and he took it, occupying a corner, where he focused on reading a digital book of Pathology, which he was kind of advanced by then, even if still was the first day of the school year.

A while later, near the end of the chapter, he heard the announcement of his stop and kept his reader, preparing to descend into the sea of people who had packed the car in that Wednesday of beginning of classes.

He passed the turnstile and looked around, scanning the heads of those who were at the station, without finding the one he was looking for.

His eyes searched for the panel, where the arrival of the line Kotoko should take showed twenty minutes, meaning that if she had not taken the last one, she'd appear soon. There was a subway of that line each twenty-five minutes.

He checked his watch and snorted with his nose, going to one side of the station, without wondering of going. He'd wait for her.

Small and familiar hands took his right arm and he stopped, looking at his side to find the smiling face of Kotoko, with good mood to go to college. He knew her purpose was not repeating a test, as the one she had passed with remarkable note, but also he suspected that her joy came from seeing that he fulfilled with meeting her at the station to go to college together.

"Good morning," greeted her with her characteristic smile.

He nodded. "Good morning."

Kotoko released him and walked beside him to leave the station, humming a tune that he didn't recognize, although he suspected it belonged to one of the dramas she liked to watch.

He followed her on his periphery, attentive to the road, happy with her presence and that she seemed comfortable walking beside him.

He thought of her confession of not having a date with Ikezawa, but be helping Chris, and how that had been used by her friends… and even her.

Naoki had not reproached her anything. With what right? He had deserved it; it was something little considering his fault.

To his chagrin, the way to college was short and soon the campus appeared at his eyes, with the bustle of a new course.

In the distance, he saw a girl, classmate of Kotoko, waving her hands in greeting to her, inviting her to join her to go to their building.

He sighed and Kotoko offered him a smile, waving with one hand. "See you at lunch, Naoki-kun," she said, running to where the black-haired girl awaited for her.

He stared for a moment and thought that maybe it could be a truly successful year.

He turned and pulled out his cellphone, where he wrote a few words. He put it back to his pocket, knowing that sometimes he had to give in on something and reach a balance where his intentions were clear, without losing his style.

Naoki also knew that he had not earned her trust, and that every action counted.

He received an affirmative reply to his message, which made his mouth curl upward.

Yes, I'd love to go out on Sunday.

AN: I was almost sick with all this sappy. But, with Naoki's circumstances, he had to talk.

Before you think, Kotoko forgave him so easily, well, "personality".

So, next chapter is the last one. Originally, this was it becasue I love open endings, but I wrote more xD. I'll post it soon.