Slow Burn

Chapter 5

While she waits for the lights to change, Kate thinks about where they might go, somewhere quiet they can talk. Her focus is trained straight ahead when she feels Castle shift his grip around her, tightening his arms if anything despite the fact that they are at a standstill, their feet firmly planted on the roadway. She hesitates for a second before leaning into his embrace, holding back the sigh that wants to escape her lips when she feels him do the same, her heart almost overwhelmed by how close she feels to him tonight.

Finally, Kate nods to herself; she knows the perfect place.

She drops a hand to Castle's thigh almost just because she wants to. Who is she kidding? She loves the feel of him, firm muscles tensing beneath her palm and fingers. She wants to kick herself for holding back all these months. Why was she depriving herself of this? Depriving her partner, too? It's not like Castle would have objected to her getting a little handsy, quite the opposite; he's always touching things. She told him to hold on tight tonight and he's taken her at her word: molding them into one on the back of her motorcycle every chance he gets.

Not for the first time she wonders if all the hard work she's put in by herself and with Dr. Burke meant that she healed herself some time ago. Maybe she destroyed her wall and simply didn't notice because the present became simply too comfortable - a safe place with her partner already by her side - for her to forge on and make the material changes they needed to move on with their lives.

When she's trying to fall asleep at night, and she thinks about how far they still have to go to get to where she wants them to be, she has a gnawing suspicion that she is simply afraid. But of this? With him? Right at this moment, she couldn't begin to explain why.

She squeezes Castle's leg and he flips up his visor. "I know a place we can go," she says. "I'm going to turn around, head back downtown. That okay?"

"As long as my mother is nowhere in the vicinity, I'm good. But then I'd follow you anywhere, Beckett. You know that." He grins at her to soften the impact of this weighty statement, which they both know to be true, before dropping his visor back in place.

She pats his knee and gestures for him to hold on. When the lights turn green, she makes a tight left turn to take them back the way they came. The Hudson is now on their right, closer than before, a dark ribbon edged with glittering gems of colored light that spark and disappear into the night. Before long they're zipping past Chelsea Piers with its bowling alleys, driving range and ice-skating rink.

Castle taps Kate's shoulder and points to the entertainment complex, yelling, "We need to go there someday," at the top of his voice until he sees her nod.

They haven't even talked and already he's making plans for the future. Kate marvels at what an optimistic human being her partner is; he brings light to her dark and damaged heart.

Up ahead in the distance, the towering mirrored monolith of One World Trade Center rises ever closer. Lights illuminate every floor of its slender form, culminating in a sharp point that glows like a diamond-tipped needle.

Eventually, their destination comes into view, and Kate indicates to Castle that she's turning off the road. As they approach the junction with North Moore she slows, signals right, then runs up the ramp at the crosswalk and straight over the sidewalk, drawing the bike to a stop as soon as she can, which happens to be right alongside an NYPD barrier.

As Castle dismounts, he finds his legs are a little stiff and shaky. He covers this up by scolding Kate. "Pretty sure you just broke a few traffic laws with that maneuver, Detective Beckett."

She turns off the engine, lowers the bike onto the kickstand, and pulls her helmet off. "Sorry, did I just hear you complaining about law-breaking, Mr. Castle?"

Castle watches as she shakes her hair out, how it tumbles down her back and shimmers against the dull sheen of her leather jacket; he's never wanted to touch her so badly.

"Castle?"

He jumps when he hears his name. She's grinning at him as if she can see inside his brain and read his love-addled mind.

"Sorry." He shakes his head. "You were saying?"

She tucks her keys into her pocket and holds out her hand. "Never mind. You comin', Castle?"

There's a concession stand at the skate park on Pier 25 where they get a cup of coffee. Though it's late, a few boisterous kids are still using the equipment on the playground, and along the Hudson River Greenway, cyclists, dog walkers, and joggers still swarm.

Kate adds a splash of half and half to her coffee and stirs it in. "Shall we take a walk?" she asks, indicating the quieter end of the pier.

Castle's voice is low and husky with emotion when he says, "Sure. Let's do that." When she looks at his face, Kate recognizes the strain in his eyes; her partner looks as nervous as she feels.

As they walk, Kate unzips her jacket to let the fresh air cool her neck, but although she's warm she misses having Castle wrapped around her as close as he was on the back of her bike, and she wishes she'd thought to do this with him sooner.

She drifts nearer to him as she says, "Let's go further down the pier. We can find a bench facing the water, look at the lights over in Jersey City."

"You come out here a lot?" Castle asks.

Kate lifts one shoulder and lets it drop. "Sometimes…when I need to think." She kicks a pebble and sends it flying.

Oh!

"I had no idea," Castle says, feeling guilty somehow, although he'd struggle to explain why even to himself.

Kate glances his way, bumping arms with him in the process because they're walking so close to one another. "Why would you?"

"I don't know. I guess I just…" It's Castle's turn to shrug.

When he doesn't finish his thought, Kate decides that she wants to know the rest and so, instead of letting it go like she usually would, she pushes him for an answer. "What? Tell me what you're thinking?"

Castle gives her a long look. "I mean it," she says, "I really want to know." The surprised expression on his face makes her want to laugh or hide away in shame.

"Okay. Well, I think what I mean is that I assume I know what your life looks like when we're not together. At work. But…clearly, that's not possible. In fact, it's downright presumptuous now that I hear myself say it out loud."

Kate laughs quietly. "And since when has that ever stopped you?"

Castle slows to a halt. "Look, Beckett…Kate. I'm sorry I've been so nosey and pushy over the years. I had no right to—"

She reaches out to lay a hand on his arm. "Castle, don't. Please do not apologize for caring, for looking out for me. I know it maybe started out as a game. Let's annoy Beckett. But pretty soon it became about more than that." She looks at him, a nervous smile on her face. "For me, too."

Wow! He can't think what to say; she's really pushing herself to be honest, and despite that fact that she's the bravest person he knows, he's still taken aback by her courage tonight.

"I think I see an empty bench," she says, changing the subject and giving them time to catch their breath.

They sit down and spend the first ten minutes in silence, just drinking their coffee and watching people pass by. Eventually, Castle speaks up when he senses Kate's attention being drawn away from the seriously fit male runner in black Lycra shorts who just pounded past them. "What's up?" he asks, turning to follow her gaze.

Kate lifts her chin. "Just keeping an eye on those two." Her focus has switched to a couple of teenagers in dark hoodies whom Castle hadn't even noticed. "Wondering what they're up to."

"You ever just want to take a night off? Be a private citizen?" He grins when he sees her start to smile. How he loves her smile.

She laughs. "And what would that look like?" Her eyebrows dance up and down with the question before she bumps his shoulder. "You fed up hanging out with a cop, Castle?"

He turns to stare at her, face slack like he thinks she's crazy. "No! Never!" he insists.

Kate nods to herself and smoothes her hands down her jeans. "Yeah, I guess. What would you have to write about?"

This time he turns his whole body towards her until his knees are pressing into her thigh and he reaches out and takes her hand. "I'd follow you if you were a sanitation worker, Beckett. Or…or a secretary, or the Secretary of State."

"Yeah, way more perks on that last one." She's smiling to herself as she slowly shakes her head. "You know, I would never have predicted that it would end up like this." She glances at him quickly and looks away again.

End up? That's all Castle hears. End; how he hates that word when it comes to her and him. To them.

"End like what?" he asks in a pained voice.

"Sorry. Bad choice of words. I just meant that…that I never thought we'd find ourselves here. You know?" She turns to look at him for some agreement or to check that he's still with her.

"Here like physically here? At Hudson River Park? Or here as in…"

She throws her hands up. "Both. Everything. Here as in you and me, talking about the future after four years of life and death together and all the other crazy stuff that's happened in between. I gave you one maybe two weeks max when you started following me. Did you know that? I thought you'd either get bored or get shot. Or that I'd be so…frustrated with you that I'd shoot you myself." She laughs, loud and silly enough that the hoodie duo looks their way.

"Wow! That's quite the confession, Beckett. Don't feel you have to sugar coat it."

She laughs again, quieter this time until it dissolves into a happy sigh and she stretches her legs out in front of her, the heels of her boots dug into the ground. "Yeah, I had it all planned out. In my darker moments, I was going to find some mope with an appropriate rap sheet, plant a drop gun under his nose and let him do the rest."

"You planned how you were going to murder me?" Castle squeaks. His eyes are wider than she's ever seen before.

She starts to laugh again. "More fantasized than planned. You were seriously annoying back then. But I would never have let it get as far as murder. I figured you'd drop the whole idea of tailing me after a little scare, maybe a light graze. A scar would have looked good on you, though, and don't pretend you wouldn't have loved showing it off."

Castle sits back on the bench and crosses his arms, no longer holding her hand or touching her in any way. "Okay, I'm not sure I like where this is going."

Kate giggles. "Relax. You grew on me. Pretty quickly, too," she says, poking his leg.

He leans back in with renewed interest. "I did?"

"Oh, shut up. You know you did." When he grins smugly, Kate chuckles and says, "Yeah, like that. I saw a lot of that face back in the day."

They fall silent, both staring out into the dark river where boats pass one another ceaselessly through the night, helicopters zip overhead and lights twinkle in the waterfront towers on the far shore of Jersey City.

"Are we talking ourselves into this? Or talking ourselves out of it? I can't tell," Kate muses as she fixes her eyes on the red glow of the Colgate clock to try to deal with how jittery she feels.

Castle bolts upright. "Hey, listen to me. You will never find me talking myself out of this. Okay? Never." He's so definite it surprises her. "Murder plots aside," he adds with a pout.

"But do you think we're ready for this? Do you know what that will look like? You said it yourself: you don't even know how I spend my time when we're not working together." Her face is open, but she looks a little lost. "I don't even know what brand of toothpaste you use."

Castle sighs and closes his eyes, when he opens them again he's smiling. "So you can choose the toothpaste, Kate, and when we're not at work we can do things together, whatever you want. The fun is in the finding out." He takes her hand and says earnestly, "I'm ready, Kate. I've been more than ready for a long time…but I think you know that already." She meets his gaze and nods contritely. The truth passes between them like a ghost, and Castle is content to let it go, choosing to celebrate where they are now, letting the past stay in the past. "And as for what it will look like? Yeah, I have a pretty good idea." He grins broadly.

"What if we make a terrible couple?"

"You really think there's a chance of that?" He nudges her. "Come on, Beckett. We've been in more high-pressure situations than most couples see in several lifetimes. We don't fight or fall apart, we get closer, grow stronger, and we work together to get out of whatever crazy stunt the universe has pulled. We're a real team, you and me. I'll always have your back, Kate, and I know that you'll always have mine. I wouldn't want it any other way."

Kate makes a face. "So, we're really doing this? We're having 'The Talk'?" she says, briefly covering her face with her hands and bowing forward over her knees as if she's winded by the enormity of it all.

Castle tries to lighten things. "This too much for you, Beckett? We could always put our helmets back on, talk through our visors like Darth Vader," he says to break the tension.

Kate's controlling her breathing like she's trying to avoid having a panic attack. "Are you embarrassed to talk about this stuff?" he asks, genuinely curious. "About how we feel about each other? I've seen you tackle some pretty difficult⏤"

She sounds frustrated with herself when she cuts him off. "No. I'm not embarrassed. I'm…I'm scared, Castle."

Suddenly, Kate gets up off the bench, taking her helmet with her. "That's it? You're leaving?" Castle asks, rising in a panic.

"I need to pace…to walk," she says, stalking away towards the metal guardrail at the end of the pier.

Castle grabs his helmet and follows.

The breeze is stronger the closer they get to the water, and the ends of Kate's hair lift and whip across her face, so she fishes a hair tie out of her pocket and twists it into a bun. Castle watches her, impressed by her dexterity, her style…just Goddam impressed period.

"You? Scared?" he says before he can stop himself. "Not possible."

Kate puts her helmet on the ground and Castle follows suit. They both lean on the rail, he in his seven-hundred dollar, pleat-fronted charcoal pants and she in her sexy jeans and biker boots. They shouldn't work, but somehow they do.

"Look, I know you think I'm this badass warrior—"

Castle interrupts. "Which you are."

She tucks a loose curl behind her ear. "Thanks, but there are still plenty of things that scare me, too."

"Such as?"

"I don't know. Lots of things," Kate insists.

"Tell me," he says gently, reaching out to stroke her back with the tips of his fingers.

She thinks for no more than a second before she says, "My dad falling off the wagon. One of my team getting shot on the job." She pauses and turns to look right at him. "Losing you," she admits softly, even the thought of it making the words catch in her throat.

Castle resists the urge to jump on her fears and simply dismiss them; he respects her too much to do that. He reaches for her hand instead, lifts it to his lips and presses a kiss to her knuckles. Eventually, he says, "You'll never lose me. I'm the plucky sidekick you just can't shake. You should know that by now. We're partners, Beckett."

"Partners," she repeats, nodding her agreement. But then she looks at him. "Like Ryan and Espo are partners?"

Castle scans her face for a moment before shaking his head. "I can't lie, Kate. Feels like a lot more than that to me. I don't think there was ever a time Kevin thought about going down on one knee in the break room so he could ditch Jenny for Javi, do you?"

They start to laugh at the absurdity of that idea, but Kate quickly sobers. "Castle, you asked me a question earlier today and I didn't answer."

Castle watches her expression change, grow serious, and he starts to panic. He tries to see her eyes, but he just can't read them; it's too dark. Suddenly, he has a bad feeling. No. Please, Kate, he prays inside, don't give in to the fear.

He jumps in to avert disaster. "So, how about I ask you another one? Hmm?" he says, trying to keep the terror from showing on his face and bleeding into his voice. "An easier question, okay?" he promises, forcing a smile for her.

"Castle, no." Kate shakes her head. She lays a gentle hand on his arm and he sags under the weight of tension, feeling defeated and like he might just cry. She covers his hand with her own and squeezes; he tastes the bitter edge of consolation in her touch. He was so close, and this feels a lot like being let down gently until she says, "Rick? Rick look at me." She waits for him to raise his eyes to her. "I don't want easy. Easy is not who we are."

Castle frowns even as he raises his head to look at her, and when he sees her face lit by the ambient light, she's smiling and those are definitely tears glistening in her eyes.

"You…you don't want easy?" he asks uncertainly, daring to hope this is leading where he thinks it's leading.

She half-smiles and shakes her head. "No."

"Then…"

She drifts towards him until they're standing toe-to-toe. Castle watches her and his heart is in his throat. Her face grows a little fuzzy because suddenly she's standing so close, and he blames the wind off the water for the tears in his eyes, blurring his vision. When he turns to block the breeze with his back, she turns with him; two people forever in sync.

"I don't want easy," she repeats as she takes his face in her hands, leaning in to nuzzle her cheek against his, sliding her nose alongside his, closing her eyes because his skin on her skin is electric and she feels so close to him. A tear rolls down her cheek, and she finds his mouth with her eyes still closed. Her fingers feather along his jaw and the back of his neck as she arches onto her tiptoes and kisses him softly but firmly. She moans into his mouth, a needy, desperate sound, when his arms band tightly around her body and he kisses her back, ardently, groaning as he claims her with everything he has. They're all out of air when she finally eases back just a fraction to whisper her truth against his damp, kiss-swollen lips.

"I don't want easy, Castle. To hell with easy. I just want you."

TBC...

A/N: Lovely people who read and review: thank you so much! Reviews are like food; they make us write faster, and sometimes your comments even influence the story! Happy Memorial Day weekend to my American friends. I hope the sun is shining wherever you are.