Chapter 9

1st October 2016

Dearest Emma,

Fall is upon us and my favourite time of the year, as the leaves start to change color, the nights get cooler and the ghost or zombies start to rattle in their graves awaiting the night of all hallows eve. IN my opinion, it is better than Christmas or Thanks Giving, yes, the food is great and every year I am sure I gain 5 pounds, though your father Denys it. I am going to jump a few years and talk a bit about the things your father and I did before your arrival.

Your father and I had now after 8 years and no child of our own accepted the fact it was not going to happen, well your father had accepted it long ago, it took me 6 years. About 3 years after we married father had been approached by a music producer Garrett at the Jazz Club who wanted a demo of your father's work. When he came home that night to tell me I was so proud of your father, I always knew his talents were being wasted in the club but he was happy and content there, who was I to tell him he had to be more ambitious.

Garrett gave your father his card and told him to call, he would help him get his demo done. The next morning your father was in a music studio doing what I love him doing the best composing music, honestly when he is in his zone nothing shire of an earthquake could break his concentration even then I have my doubts. Within three months the demo was ready, though I hardly saw your father during that time he was still working at the Jazz club at nights and in the studio during the day. Though I missed your father I knew this was his dream and I was going to support him no matter what.

Garrett took the demo to every record label he could and though Jazz is not a popular charts hitter some were interested, one wanted to sign your father up on the stop to work with their chart-topping artists to add a flavour of Jazz to their music giving it a uniqueness not heard on currently music. Your father loved the idea and signed a 6-month contract with the company to test the waters before he would commit long term. But like all things your father sets his mind to he was a success with two artists, both were young and new to the music industry and were willing to take a risk.

While your father was rapidly advancing in his career and living his dreams I had finally finished college but found it difficult to find employment, I quickly realised that though I love leisure and reading, I had spent so many years hiding away in the worlds my beloved books had created safe havens for me. I place I could escape my past, that I needed to step away from this fantasy worlds for a while and find a way to live in the real world.

So, with your father's support I left the bookstore that I loved working at and explored a change. Since I could not have children of my own I wanted to work with them especially trouble youth and there were so many that needed help and guidance or just someone who might understand where they are coming from and I believed even if I could make a difference in one young person's life I had done what I set out to do.

So with my goal in mind I started to look at this new career path, determined and excited about this, I worked hard and quickly was discourage as all the positions wanted either experience or qualifications of which I had naive, even though I had life experience having lived such a hard life with Renee before I went and lived with Charlie, I had survived years of abuse at the hands of both Renee and Phil and come out the other end living somewhat a normal life and could have loving relationships it was not enough.

One day I saw an ad on line for a home for youth with disabilities, though I knew nothing at the time about people with disabilities the position did not necessarily require qualification or experience so I applied and was successful.

I was naive and believed I could help these trouble young men make a better life for themselves, I was wrong. I spent the next year with four young males always wanting to either kill themselves or wanting to kill each other. It was an extremely stressful time for me and I did not cope with the emotional aspect of the job well. The constant fighting, having knives held to my side, pick axes swung at my head or watching one young male destroy the home over something minor causing so much damage and us needing to call the police on almost a regular basis.

I ended up having to leave because it caused a mental breakdown for me and took me 6 months to recover from. I was disheartened and felt like a failed, I could not help these young men. I quickly came to realise that not everyone wants to be saved, that violence is everywhere.

During the 6 months that I took off from full time employment I did some casual jobs for an agency during one of those days I was sent to a day program with people with a disability and discovered where I belonged. So, once I was ready to find full time employment this is where I started to look.

I finally found a position about 45 minutes from our condo and fitted right in. I learnt quickly about the different types of disabilities and found I worked well with those that at Autism or Down Syndrome. I also discovered a lot about myself. I still did not cope well with violent situations but those were limited events, but these clients I quickly was able to learn ways to prevent them from getting violent. Most of my days were spent teaching these individuals the basic life skills and good health. It was always amazing to me to watch one of them achieve something new even the smallest of things.

After the breakdown, I came to realize that I needed more help than just my therapist so I started seeing a physiatrist and worked with them on putting me on medication to help manage my mental health mainly my anxiety.

During these years was a major self-discovery for me, not only in my career but also in my personal life. I had started writing down my thoughts and feelings for no other reason than to get it out of paper. I never really had any intention of anyone seeing what I wrote but it helped. At the same time, I started to explore my own spirituality. I always believed in God and Jesus but felt there was more to it than what the bible had written.

I spent many years searching and reading, many times I came across books on witchcraft and paganism but being the good christen I was believed they were evil, till one day I walked into a shop that had a book I could not put down, I spent hours in that shop just exploring and reading this book till finally the store owner a lovely old wise woman came over to me. She saw what I was reading and I got embarrassed and put the book back.

She started talking to me about the book and why I was so intrigued by it, I felt safe with this woman and explained my issues to her, expecting her to laugh at me she didn't instead she offered me a cup of tea and a tale. During those hours, I spent with her listening to her explain the differences between witchcraft, paganism and Christianity I felt at peace and finally had a place I could go to seek the answers to the questions I had.

Once she explained to me that paganism or witchcraft were not evil and were nature based faiths that worked with duel deities and showed the similarities between Christianity and these faiths I was hooked. I brought several books and left the store at closing.

I returned many times to this bookstore learning as much as I came exploring everything this faith had to offer. I was not interested in the casting of spells, but more interested in the mythology of the gods, gaining a deeper understanding of the different faiths, that it is up the individual to decide how they want to practise.

I also started to explore crystal and herb magic and healing, I found I had a real aptitude for herbal magic/healing and would read anything thing I could get my hands on. I also found the strong need to explore the realm of spirit and psychic powers, again finding my calling I guess where I could read tarot cards without knowing their meanings and give reading to others with 99% accuracy or challenging, though even to this day I still question the information I have been given through challenging was it true or was it my own voices in my head.

About 4 years ago my therapist uncovered that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder, you might ask what that means, to many they would know it as multiple personality disorder. No, I am not crazy, well I hope not though now I can joke about it. But due to the long-term abuse I experiences as a child from both Phil and Renee I have several different personalities most a child some more traumatised than others, though there is an Irish Male he is fun and loves his Guinness.

When these personalities come out they do not always take over total control of me, my voice does change, there are changes in my personality and attitude. Some only appear at times of great distress or during therapy. When we first realised that this was happening especially the children personalities would come out all the time and I had no control over them.

There was even one time the scariest of them all where I thought I was possessed by the devil and he threatened to kill me. I try not to think about that night much it was one of the darkest moments and your father feared what would happen to me. But as always, he was wonderful and able to pull my main personality the one the world sees through enough for me to gain control again.

Many people do not know this about me, I am not ashamed by the personalities and have decided not the integrate them even though my therapist gave me that option, I know they are all parts of me and at times have different jobs to do. Edward has met them all along with my therapist and he knows what to expect from them and what my triggers are, I always know with your father around I am safe and loved.

Dearest Emma,

I hope I have not freaked you out learning these things about your mother, some might think you do not need to know these things, that maybe you are a child and should not know. But these letters are more for myself to say all the things I will never get to say to know in person. My next letter will cover Renee your grandmother and the arrival of you

Love is eternal

Bella Cullen