Author Note

Please know this chapter was extremely hard for me to write and will be hard for every one of you to read. For those that struggle with child loss this may cause triggers, I encourage you all not to keep it inside speak to others, seek help, know you are not in this alone

8th January

Dearest Emma,

The time has come to talk with you about our greatest joy and our worst devastation.

Though Renee died a few years ago and it hit me hard dealing with the loss of a mother even a shitty one at that. There is nothing that can take away the pain your father and I felt the day we were told we were losing you.

I will take a step back and tell you about our greatest joy.

After so many years trying to fall pregnant and nothing worked, not even fertility treatments. Both your father and I were happy and accepted that this was our life, your father's career was taking off in leaps and bounds and I was loving mine.

After years of instability, my mental health was finally on track and I was feeling the best I had ever felt. After Renee's death, it took me a year to accept that no matter what I did there was nothing I could have done to stop her from being who she was. I handled myself and my actions just as much as Renee handled hers.

It was just after my birthday and I was driving home from work thinking I really should see my doctor about getting birth control but I drove straight past her office not stopping, thinking "just maybe I will use that last pregnancy test, I Know the results will be negative"

I drove home not thinking anymore of it, went about my business, and did the test. To my utter surprise and shock the test came back positive. I could not believe what I was reading, I knew I had to get to the doctor's office before she closed, but first I had a call to make.

I called your father and told him I needed to go to the doctor, him not thinking anything of it asked why, my response" I am Pregnant" .

My doctor confirmed my pregnancy and I went home in shock. Your father by this time was already home, opened the door picked me up in a massive hug. We talked about our shock and joy with the news and could not wait to tell anyone (I knew we should have waited till 3 months of the 1st trimester was over but but we could not) so we both called our families and friends.

To say they were all shocked was an understatement. Your father and I started to make plans for your arrival. At this stage, I was only 6 weeks but we could not wait to go through this pregnancy and have you at the end of it.

The next night our joy and world came crashing down around us. I started to spot blood, I was devastated at the thought I was losing you. This could not be happening I finally get to be a mom and it is already being taken away from me.

Your father rushed me to the hospital, they could not explain the spotting but did tests and my hormone levels had doubled since they day before, which was a good sign. They referred me to a specialist and I was placed as a high-risk pregnancy.

Even with reassurance over the next 7 weeks that everything was fine, I continued to spot blood at least once a week.

The best time was the first time your father and I heard your heartbeat, we both cried with joy. I swear if we had thought about it we would have recorded it so that we could at least have that with us now. Second best day was the day the specialist told us you were growing normally and even with the bleeds that he could not explain you were going nowhere until you were ready to be born.

During my pregnancy with you, I developed gestational diabetes very early on. I think I was 8 weeks when they picked it up. So instead of being seen monthly, I was visiting the hospital twice a month. Since I was already high-risk pregnancy the diabetes the diabetes it put me at a higher risk.

Not only did I have spotting the pregnancy but I also had mild cramping and could not stand or sit for long. I was determined to continue to work full-time until the doctors told me I couldn't.

I did not have any weird cravings, but I could not get enough of the salt and vinegar chips, or spicy foods, especially chillies. There were others but I could not get enough of the chips and I would attack anyone that had them and would not share

So, for the next few months your father and I planned for your arrival by buying anything we thought was cute. I had always felt you were a girl, but it was not until it was confirmed at our 19-week ultrasound that you were.

Your father and I had some names picked out both for a boy and a girl. Once we knew you were a girl it was official your name was to be Emma Hope Cullen. I had always loved the name Hope and considering we had given up hope of ever having you, we were proven wrong.

It was the weekend and I was 19 weeks and 6 days when the worst that could happen happened. I was awoken just after midnight with cramping, I dozed on and off but noticed if was happening every 15-20 minutes. I was so scared I was losing you.

Little did I know there was nothing going to stop that from happening.

After a few hours, your father took me to the hospital. Again, they did some tests and even though it was not conclusive, they gave me a prescription for an UTI, and ultrasound scan should the pain continue. So, I went home and your father had an important meeting that morning that he could not get out of. Though my fears had increased I encouraged him to go to his meeting.

While he was gone I rested and called to schedule my ultrasound for that afternoon. Your father met me there and our worst nightmare started when the tech looked troubled but did not speak but she brought someone in to look at the pictures. Your father and I had no idea what was going on until the second tech told us that there was a problem with my cervix looked. It looked like it was opening, they needed a specialist to look at the ultrasound. I started to cry, your father was my strength as we cried together for fear we were losing our only child.

After about 10 minutes everyone came back in the room, told us we had to go back to the hospital and that I could not drive myself and they called an ambulance. While I waited I relieved myself.

At the hospital while waiting I needed to go again and could not hold it, not only did I lose my bladder, my water broke at the same time.

They rushed me to the delivery ward. We both knew there was nothing to stop our worst fear, we were losing you. I asked Edward to call Alice and Jasper as I knew they would understand what we were feeling and would need.

I was offered pain relief medication but refused to take it. Jasper and Edward took our car home while Alice stayed with me talking, helping me. She was my strength while Jasper was Edward's. Though they had their happy ending they fully knew what we needed now.

Alice and I talked for hours, about what I could expect, service that would help keep our memory of you alive, the little things that would be important in the days to come, through my pain I took it all in.

One of the few things I still remember Alice telling me was no matter what, spend as much time with you as we could, because that was all we would get.

Alice as your godmother asked one thing of us, it if she could come meet you the next day. We cried together and shared this precious painful time together. I did not know it at the time, but Alice and Jasper became two of the most important people in my life and I will always be eternally grateful for them.

It was getting late and Alice and Jasper needed to get home to their daughter, and your father and I needed to be alone. But before Alice left she gave me a choice of two little knitted blanket that had a lot of meaning for her, for us to wrap you in.

The one thing I said to Alice was that I wanted you stillborn because I knew that I would not survive hearing you cry knowing I was losing you.

You were born sleeping 7th January at 1.33am…

Our world had been destroyed and there was no turning back from it.

Dear Emma,

This was extremely hard to write and relive, but I want you to know all the important events our lives. I know you are always with us and watch over me as I write these letters to you. For the next few years life was hard for us but, it did get better

Love Eternally, Your Mom,

Bella Cullen

Author Note:

Thank you so much to Sherry Neal and Carole Long for your support and encouragement. To all my readers that have stayed so far, thank you. I know how hard it was to read this chapter, but things will get better soon. Please, if you are troubled by the content of this chapter seek help even if it's just a friend, talk to them